Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

How did they force your husband to drink drive?

Your ‘outlaws’ sound awful.
Your husband needs to decide whose side he is on - if this isn’t you then you have your own decisions to make.

its not your in laws making your marriage misreable its your husband. he's chosen his parents over you again and again even in your most vulnerable moments. he doesn't care to even put his own children first. you need to have a come to jesus talk with him, and actually be willing to follow through. either he gets into counselling to deal with his enmeshment with his parents, creating and enforcing proper boundaries and working to heal the damage he's caused you're out. thats the only way to deal with this situation.

OP drove them all home. He was too drunk and did not get behind the wheel. RTFT..

Agree 100% - nobody made him get behind the wheel

Dh - I love you but this is not working as it is currently. I think we're both starting to feel a bit resentful of each other and I'm worried about where that will end up. We need to find a way to listen to each other and agree some better boundaries together that means we all feel heard and respected. So I'm booking us in for marriage counselling because I think having a place where we can go and talk about this and really hear each other will be good for us. It is very, very important to me that we do this and I hope you'll be supportive and give it a good shot as well.

If he refuses to go then I'd be opening a bank account in your own name and saving hard into it.

Obviously your dh is the issue here because he's unable to recognise how inappropriate his parents behaviour is and to put in place boundaries. He's also not recognising his own responsibilities eg. The fact he left you to clean up after they cooked. It can be hard for someone who's always been surrounded by dysfunction to recognise it, but that's where he needs to step up and support you and counselling is probably the best space you can create for him to reflect on that without judgement.

Going forward I would want to be no contact with his in laws and if he wants to continue that then that's up to him. But it's worrying they'd be so quick to undermine you in front of your kids. So there's a question mark there for me whether or not he can manage their behaviour in front of the kids or if the kids would need you there for that.

There's a point where unconscious ignorance becomes conscious ignorance and i think your dh is crossing that line and I think counselling might also create some accountability.

Your ILs are not the problem here - they are A problem but not THE problem. A man that won't stand up for his DW when she's treated like shit is not a husband. I would urgently try to get into counselling so your DH can hear from an unbiased third party that his parents behaviour is disgusting. If that doesn't work, I don't say this lightly but I'd divorce him. This will never get better.

Yay!!! Just chill man and have a spliff 😵‍💫

Goodness me, you all sound hard work.

As adults, sit down with your family and talk. Work out ways to solve the issues you all have. Listen to each other, hold each other to account, see each others point of view, compromise.

All of you.

I had a terrible relationship with my fiancé's mother. She eventually said I wasn't welcome in her house, which was a blessed relief tbh as I never saw that witch again. Unfortunately my fiancé wasn't able to be happy in a relationship where his mother and wife couldn't get along and we broke up.

It took me a long time to recognise my ex-Fi's part in the whole saga. He never had my back. Said all the problems were either in my head or caused by me. It really damaged me for years after we broke up.

Had our mil issues arisen post marriage I don't think our marriage would have survived.

When your Ils said you weren't welcome three visits ago, I'd have taken them at their word and jumped at the chance to stop seeing them. DH can go alone with the DC.

DH doesn't sound helpful or supportive of you outside of his parents either though. Letting you clean the kitchen, forcing you to drive....

Sorry OP but your DH is the problem. He doesn't care what you think or that his shitty family treat you badly. If I were you, I'd be separating from him and then you'll never have to see his horrible family again.

Your dh needs to go into therapy and discuss why his parents have so much control over his adult life.

In the mean time you do not see or speak to them again. Tell them clearly their behaviour is unacceptable, and you won’t tolerate it any longer. No Christmas cards - nothing, Your dc are not going either.

Your dh needs to wake up and grow a back bone.

Can you look at this another way?

Why would you want a close family unit with such dreadful people? You can already see how horrible they are!

As a woman with a good heart, you would want as little as possible to do with them, and for them to have very little influence on your children.

Grey rocking them, while pointing out to your DH when he should be washing up/staying sober/looking after the kids is surely the way forwards.

This sounds shitty OP. I wouldn’t have cleaned the kitchen after a c section, I would have left it for days and then bollocked DH for not doing it.

i would have gone ape shit at him taking baby out the ward, it just wouldn’t have happened.

the other stuff I can see happening in my marriage eg dh getting drunk and me having to drive home at 11pm with small children. I’m sorry some men at really fucking awful.

OP, can I ask if, PILs aside, you otherwise have a good marriage? If the relationship is otherwise good, he needs to see a counsellor about his acceptance of the way you (and probably him) are treated in regard to his parents. Your husband has acquired coping mechanisms to deal with his parents which are not healthy and he has probably been doing it so long that he does not realise how wrong it is. But now he has his own family, he needs to recognise this behaviour is wrong and the change starts with him re-educating himself and addressing it....not just for you, but for your kids.

Personally, whilst I don't think you have to like your PILs, you can avoid them, if you let DH take them to see their grandparents. The one thing that concerns me is what impression of "family" and "how its OK to behave" your children will get from your horrible sounding inlaws!

There is a difference between the PILs being OK people but just not your type, and being plain nasty and inconsiderate. Your husband is so anaesthetised to his parents bad behaviour that I wouldn't want my children to think that type of behaviour is OK, which he evidently does.

I have the same problem with my Mum and brother, his behaviour is bad and my mum just accepts it whilst the rest of us have to deal with the fall out.

You are not being unreasonable with your concerns. Do not let your husband blame you for their behaviour and his inability to tackle it as an adult.

Agree. OP can’t expect her DH to avoid his family for her. But she can expect him to have her back when they are behaving like arseholes. And if he doesn’t he can expect her to end the marriage.

They won't change.
Just stay away from them . Your husband can take the kids to visit but you dont need to.
I ended up in this situation and it worked well. My dh lost interest as the kids got older. And hardly visited them anyway.
I think looking back it was me who organised everything not him. So when I stopped he couldn't be bothered .

@Workingmummyof2beautifulkids

I am not sure what skyblue has said, but it strikes me that you can stand up and be assertive. You need to be as assertive as this to DH. From your description your husband is not putting you and your children first. It is good that he wants the children to have a relationship with his parents - but he should not be allowing PIL to belittle and ignore you.

you are in the minority. My MIL did the same to me, she has some strings. I almost divorced my husband but before that , cut her off for 5 years and made her come and beg for appology. The saving grace I had was that the father in law was step one and we were competition for her money.

My late mother in law was a bitter and twisted woman. She hated my dog, who she demanded be kept in the garden shed all the time that she was in the the area. She hated where we lived (the depths of the British countryside) 'It's just up one muddy lane and down another". She was rude to my mother who looked after my son whilst I did my very part-time job (two afternoons a week) and told me that her son had "made a dreadful mistake in marrying me'" and hoped "that he comes to his senses quickly and gets a divorce". I was the person who came to their senses quickly and got a divorce from him. He married again a few years later, and was apparently content, for which I was pleased.

this will end badly and in divorce. You will be shoved like a mat around anytime it suits them and your husband will take the kids here and there without you and they will try to turn them against you. You married totally wrong. Sorry. I am not fast to type such stuff but this is too much

What made my situation more bearable was taking the IL out of any conversation.

Turn it round to you ‘I was upset when I was expected to do x y z’

Im not feeling up to visiting

I wasn’t happy that you were too drunk to drive and didn’t feel cared for when

This is a DH issue and you need to address it and leave any 3rd party out of it

My in-laws are similar. Completely selfish a holes. So I just stopped trying. From now on, hubby deals with them. Goes to visit them. Kids are are older and dont want to go as they feel that they're ignored. I let him sort gifts (which he always forgets. His problem) and my life is generally happier not caring about them not caring about us. Hubby used to get pissy about it until he finally opened his eyes and realised they don't give a crap about him either. I hope you are able to get to this blissful state.

The only way this will get better is if your DH wakes up to this unhealthy enmeshment with his toxic parents. Your DH would really benefit from therapy to help learn that this relationship with his parents is deeply unhealthy and toxic.

If he doesn't wake up and learn that this isn't normal, then you'll either have an extremely unhappy marriage, or you'll divorce.

I don't hold out a lot of hope for him realising though, given how badly he talks to you and treats you. He's not a good man. Takes after his parents.