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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To embarrass dd(11)?

90 replies

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:20

I am an adult with my own dc, my mum has younger children (my half siblings). My dd and my half sister are a similar age (11+12).

My mum is an oversharer and has history of not respecting my sisters privacy. I don’t mind her telling me things because I’m an adult and can keep a secret but I have asked her over and over again to not tell dd anything which she was respecting.

My sister has had some, at least for her embarrassing medical issues recently. Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. I specifically told dd that she forgets about that and never repeats it which she promised to.
Next day she goes and messages my sister about what she was told.

Normally we take my siblings away with my dc in the holidays, my sister now doesn’t want to come obviously as she is upset that dd knows about her personal problems.

I’m really disappointed in dd for being unkind and breaking our promise and the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd so that she can experience what it feels like and so my sister isn’t in such a vulnerable position.

Wibu to? I know it’s unkind and makes me as bad as my mum but I don’t know what else I can do.

OP posts:

LoremIpsumCici · 03/08/2025 18:12

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 18:10

Genuinely how do you suggest I do that?
I have asked her so many times not to, aside from cutting contact with her which isn’t an option as she is vulnerable and doesn’t have any other support network plus she’s my mum and I love her.

Ultimately I would rather she told me than someone else though.

Show quote history

Just get up and walk out of the room every time she refuses to stop gossiping.

LoremIpsumCici · 03/08/2025 18:12

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:47

She isn’t often unkind but the way she said it was definitely meant to upset, she didn’t say btw your mum told me this she basically said ‘ew, that’s gross, why did you let it happen?’

Show quote history

Well she got her cues from you and your mum. You can’t be a do as I say, not as I do role model.

Original poster

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 18:10

godmum56 · 03/08/2025 18:02

But you know what she is like. I would be stopping her telling you private stuff about other people too.

Show quote history

Ultimately I would rather she told me than someone else though.

OP posts:

FioFioSILK · 03/08/2025 18:09

You daughter is just following the example she is being set. We gossip about our family! If your mum had been shut down initially by you it would have not been repeated. You're responsible for not allowing gossip. If you want a higher standard you have to set it. Do nothing to your daughter. She knows no better.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/08/2025 18:08

Did she message her using her phone? If so, she needs it to be taken away. If she can't be kind then she clearly can't be trusted.

There's no need to humiliate her but she does need a consequence.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/08/2025 18:05

Your Mum has a history of sharing your sisters business. Then you need to address your mother. Allowing her to talk in front of DD is setting a poor example. I think maybe next time in front of DD and ideally your poor sis too, you should tell your mother that going forward you would rather personal things were kept private and DSis can tell you what's happening in her life when she wants to. Put your Mum on the spot, call her out. Also ask her to apologise for sharing private info and maybe at the same time ask DD to also apologise.

My DS did a few things like that at that age, it was absolutely vindictive and meant to cause a stir. I don't think humiliation is the answer but good example by showing zero tolerance of others is. For a time there were little things I made a point of not telling DS and it would drive him mad and I would say 'I'd love to tell you but I feel you can't be trusted after the last incident.. let's wait until you are able to understand etc.' That seemed to work (eventually).

diddl · 03/08/2025 18:02

Why was she even telling you about your sister's medical issues?

KrisAkabusi · 03/08/2025 18:02

Are you 11 yourself? Two wrongs dont make a right. By all means punish her, but dont act childishly.

PInkyStarfish · 03/08/2025 18:02

The 11 year old gossips because of her ‘role model’ grandmother.

godmum56 · 03/08/2025 18:02

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:55

To be clear I didn’t engage in gossip with my mum in front of dd, once I knew what was being said I stopped the conversation and took dd away.

It was less than 10 words and I didn’t know what my mum was saying untill she’d said it.

But you know what she is like. I would be stopping her telling you private stuff about other people too.

godmum56 · 03/08/2025 18:00

Mrsttcno1 · 03/08/2025 17:24

YABU.

You’re a grown adult with a child yourself and yet you can’t think of a single other way to deal with this? Genuinely? Wow

This. By all means have a convo with your daughter but this is on your mother and you should put the blame where it belongs.....she tells an 11 year old about other people's medical issues???? I mean W the actual F?

Original poster

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:55

To be clear I didn’t engage in gossip with my mum in front of dd, once I knew what was being said I stopped the conversation and took dd away.

It was less than 10 words and I didn’t know what my mum was saying untill she’d said it.

OP posts:

Internaut · 03/08/2025 17:55

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:47

She isn’t often unkind but the way she said it was definitely meant to upset, she didn’t say btw your mum told me this she basically said ‘ew, that’s gross, why did you let it happen?’

Show quote history

Maybe tell her that you will publicise her embarrassing information, give her time to take that in, but don't do it? Then have a serious talk with her about how she made your sister feel.

Darragon · 03/08/2025 17:51

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:29

Yes I know ultimately this is my mums fault but I’m not responsible for her behaviour and I am DD’s.
I believe dd understood that she shouldn’t repeat it and why, she did so purely to be unkind.

You're just passing your frustration onto someone smaller and weaker because you can't get at the person who's really responsible though. You could have interrupted your mum mid- verbal diarrhoea and stopped her if you'd wanted to.

bellamorgan · 03/08/2025 17:49

In that case dd needs to apologise and a chat with you about being hurtful.

You tell your mum again that she cannot say these things in front of your child she’s 11 and shouldn’t be burdened with keeping all these secrets.

HollyBookBlue · 03/08/2025 17:47

HollyBookBlue · 03/08/2025 17:42

Obviously that's a terrible idea! Do you want to have a good relationship with your daughter or not?

The thing you should do is apologise to your daughter for allowing her to hear gossip from your mum. You tell your daughter that you should have ended the conversation as soon as it began. Then you and you daughter both apologise to your niece because both of you indulged in gossip.
Then since you can't control your mum's actions, you need to make sure that you're ready to interrupt and end any further gossipy conversations she starts

Original poster

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:47

MissMoneyFairy · 03/08/2025 17:39

Don't tit for tat, why do you say your daughter told her just to be unkind, does she normally behave like that.

She isn’t often unkind but the way she said it was definitely meant to upset, she didn’t say btw your mum told me this she basically said ‘ew, that’s gross, why did you let it happen?’

OP posts:

steff13 · 03/08/2025 17:42

I am low-key horrified that you would consider this. You, your mother, and your daughter owe your sister an apology. But humiliating your daughter is not the answer.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/08/2025 17:42

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:29

Actually, you are responsible for your mum’s behaviour in that you are allowing DD to see it. When mum starts talking about someone it’s very simple “nope, we don’t do that, it’s unkind”. Move on.

HollyBookBlue · 03/08/2025 17:42

Obviously that's a terrible idea! Do you want to have a good relationship with your daughter or not?

Cruisinforcroissant · 03/08/2025 17:42

Can you day to your child you have said something but not actually say it.
Will this have the same effect but without the hurt/ impact.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/08/2025 17:41

If you'd previously told you'd mum not to tell dd anything why didn't you just stop the conversation.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/08/2025 17:41

LoremIpsumCici · 03/08/2025 17:35

Your mum is the problem. She was happy to tell all to you and your DD. And you enable it, so you are just as bad imho.

Your DD did your sister a favour by telling her that your mum gossips and tells all to you and her cousin (your DD).

Punishing an 11yo for telling her cousin that you and your mum gossip about her health issues behind her back is using her as a whipping girl.

Edited

It's her aunt, not her cousin.

Panterusblackish · 03/08/2025 17:39

tothemitis · 03/08/2025 17:29

It's also your fault. Tell your mum it's inappropriate or if you and your mother can't resist at least send your daughter out of earshot.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/08/2025 17:39

Don't tit for tat, why do you say your daughter told her just to be unkind, does she normally behave like that.

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