To embarrass dd(11)?

Mum came round and tells me and dd all about it. - she was out of order.

It is worth asking why your DD decided to do what she did. Does this tell you something about her relationship with her aunt? .... that something is amiss there? She must have known you would find out, so something fairly powerful must be driving this. You need to tell her how disappointed you are in her whilst also being the adult and asking yourself what might be behind this.

Oh .... and talking of being the adult applies to this sentence of yours, which I can barely believe ...the only fair resolution i can think of is that I tell my sister a similar embarrassing story about dd Really? Do you seriously think this would be the action of a grown adult who needs to model good behaviour?

Head and wobble springs to mind .....

Also kind of speaks loudly that your mum doesn’t have anyone else at all
bar you she can possibly talk to about this. No friends? No partner? The child father if she’s single?

Omg no!

You tell your daughter to leave the room then. You’re a parent, can’t you work that out?

Well it’s not exactly setting a good example to your DD if you do tell something about her to even things out is it? “DD, don’t ever do that again, but I’m going to do it.”

Your mother is the issue here. It’s absolutely unacceptable that she even told you, never mind your DD. And whilst your sister’s feelings might be mainly of embarrassment at the moment, ultimately that will be replaced by anger and a lesson that her mother can’t be trusted. She won’t be inclined to go to her mother with issues etc in future if this is what happens.

Of course you would be unreasonable to deliberately choose to disclose a private issue relating to your daughter.
It would ruin your relationship and she would never fully trust you again.

This is on your mother who told a child something confidential about another child.

You need to work out how to reconcile between the two children but your mother needs to accept & acknowledge to her daughter that she is the one who caused the issue by disclosing private information.

She's ELEVEN. Kids ask questions. Kids do things they shouldn't do. Kids mess up. Kids do NOT need to be intentionally humiliated be their parent to show them where they went wrong. What's your Mum's punishment for gossiping and spreading personal information?

I can't believe you'd actually do this. Make her apologise and talk to her about the shame she'd feel in the same situation. But look at your Mum's actions first and foremost. She needs to shoulder a large chunk of the blame here.

I think that the adults in this situation need to start behaving like adults and set these 11-12 year olds a better example. For your half sister's sake I really hope that she has an adult in her life that she can trust if her family is so dysfunctional.

Your mum is responsible for telling you both your sisters personal information.

You are responsible for allowing her to do so in earshot of your DD.

Your DD is responsible for telling her cousin what she knew.

Your DD and your sister are the children in this.

You need to apologise to your sister for not stopping your mum - at least in earshot of DD.

Your DD needs to apologise to her cousin for repeating what she heard.

You need to tell your sister why you respect her discomfort about going on holiday with you but that you’d live for her to come and guarantee that this will not be discussed. I’d also suggest you 2 have a day just the 2 of you while your away with an activity is her choice.

But don’t put this on the 11yo more than you are putting it on your mum - or yourself.

Yanbu to ask dd how she’d feel if you told your mum or sister one of her embarrassing secrets but you would be unreasonable to actually do it. She’s already or about to start a phase of friendships that can be full of drama and humiliating her risks her repeating your behaviour when she deals with people at school bring dicks. Does dd understand why the tone of her text was mean? Did dd consider the possibility that sister would tell you and she’d get into trouble?

Your mum is the problem and Yabu to dismiss it as can’t control other people” when she’s a grown adult who should be able to control her impulses better. While she didn’t tell dd to text her aunt, she shouldn’t have shared the embarrassing info either. You could have said to her that you’ll listen to the gossip later when dd wasn’t around.

Do you share your embarrassing stories with your mums or will you, your dd and your sister accept that you should never share that kind of info in future?

You’re just going to have to keep repeating and asking and reminding that if your DD is there is need to be information that is appropriate to be said in front of her.

Or you’re going to have to only meet for chats when the daughters are not there.

It’s not her fault your mum can’t adult. Because that’s what it boils down to when she’s sharing embarrassing things about her daughter in front of your daughter who’s around the same age and possible friendship overlap, she’s not using her adult brain to go oh no wait DGD is there and she doesn’t or shouldn’t know about this.

Where does the OP say she deliberately upset her sister by saying something she knew would upset her. An 11 year old is old enough to know better particularly when she's specifically been told not to.

That is a horrendous idea and borderline mentally abusive. You and your mother need to not have adult conversations around your child. Do not punish her for the fact you and your mam were gossiping. Jesus christ on a bike.

I really don’t want this to come across as rude but it might be that you have had a not stable role model in your mother and as such you haven’t been taught how to react appropriately to situations (or at least your responses sometimes just miss the mark a tad).

We all feels as though our families are normal and just a bit ‘quirky’ until, for some of us, it suddenly dawns on us that they aren’t. They’re batshit. I get the very strong sense that you may have one of these families. And you haven’t necessarily been shown how to handle things in a normal way because this was a weird idea you had and your mum sounds not too great with her behaviour. Perhaps you need to do some learning on how to deal with kids so you have some more ‘typical’ go to responses when she does something.

I also say this because why do you assume your daughter was being mean? She’d just heard something funny and strange about her aunt, and as a child thought it would be a funny thing to talk about and that everyone would also think this thing was gross too. She probably thought she would be showing how clever and in the loop she was by bringing it up. Unless she has form for being intentionally mean?

Why didn’t you stop your mum? When you realised the way the conversation was going, why didn’t you say, “Mum, this sounds private. We don’t talk about this stuff when X is in the wrong so stop now.”

I know you've probably had an inappropriate example of parenting to learn from but please do not humiliate your DD, it won't foster a good relationship at all and will teach her to not trust you.
She needs to apologise sincerely and you need to make sure your mother doesn't do this again, protect your child from her strange grandmother.

why should you expect your 11 year old daughter to do better than your adult mother?....or better than you for that matter?

I think talking to dd about how she would feel if I went around telling everyone something embarrassing about her will do the trick

I would do this but I'd make it specific to her and really try and get her to think about it and hopefully squirm at the thought.

So not a generic 'what if I told her something embarrassing about you?'. A really specific 'what if I told her that you still wet the bed? Imagine that. Think about her knowing and messaging you and saying ew that's gross, how would you feel? Imagine she told someone else - how does that feel?' etc.

Strange and very unreasonable.

As soon as she mentions a name or an identifier, say "Mum I do not want to know" and massively change the subject. Tell her she is setting a bad example for your daughter and therefore she can no longer spend time with her.

so so true

I would tell your daughter what you are thinking of doing and ask her how she would feel if you did that.

If she is fine with it then do it, if not, then ask her why she thought it was ok to do exactly the same to your sister. See what she says and then make a decision.

Has your dd apologised to your sister?