My 6 year old daughter is a nightmare on playdates

I would do playdates but much shorter like 1.5-2hr max at the weekend and in neutral spaces for a while. I would also think about how you're setting her up for the playdate eg is she thinking what toys or games to show them and getting stuck on that 'plan' etc rather than focusing on being kind, sharing, taking turns etc maybe adjusting conversations you have in advance will help? I would also consider taking the lead on structuring the playdates and have some activities planned out for now until she's able to navigate free play socialising.

I think it would do no harm to talk to the other parent about it before their child comes round as well so both children are supported to navigate it all.

Don't do this.

You'll make her feel shit and worry no one wants to be her friend and you'll hate yourself, and you'll really hate yourself if you find out she's got SEND and struggling with social issues and masking with other children.

Dd was absolutely adored by teachers in primary. Many ASD girls will pick the "fawn" option from " fight, flight, freeze, fawn" with teachers. She'd be distraught if she thought I was going to tell a teacher she'd been naughty.

Those are all helpful, and usual suggestions for children with SEND too.

I will join the ASD parent chorus and say DD did exactly this. Everything had to be her way, games should be played exactly so.

If I knew then what I knew now I would still invite kids over but have story time beforehand where we discussed all potential eventualities and sharing, and swapping turns and toys.

Most importantly I'd make every playdate a short one, 1 or 2 hours tops and tell her when the person will be leaving. I'd also keep playdates to once or twice a week and keep to just a few friends. Not new kids ever week.

I would use a doll house type toy to role play these scenarios with her, you coukd act out how she deals with these situations (talk to her how it makes her doll feel when your doll acts like that) and then roleplay other ways to manage it. But I would suggest doing it without mentioning it directly as her actions. Also role play breathing techniques, taking a time away to have a minute to calm down and then return to the fun.
I would also do some playdates at the park, if you can don't take the three year old. If you see conflict then talk daughter through alternative ways to manage it, if she continues with her choices then leave. But obviously have the expectations conversation before.
A playdate at something structured like a music class, or pottery painting type thing might be good too, the structure can help to build skills slowly.

This is me saying this if there are no SEND concerns. Stopping okaydates altogether does not help your daughter develop the skills she clearly struggles with.

It might be sensible to pause the home playdates for a bit, OP, but the way I would deal with this if it happened in our house (rather than sending playdate child home) would be to have a directed activity like cupcake making or decorating ready to go. Then if the playdate child was being unfairly treated by my DC, I would invite them to come and do it with me and the other DC and tell my DC to go upstairs and take some time by themselves and then they can come and join in when they're feeling more themselves and can behave nicely to everyone.

Playdates are generally ok in our house, but I've sent my DC upstairs to take some time out a couple of times when they've behaved badly. It's more "ok, this is not working, I think you need some time to regroup" rather than "go to your room!!" stuff. I think saying you'll send a child home due to your child's behaviour gives them too much power so I just try to make the playdate fun for the other child if mine's being a PITA. And I'd definitely limit to a couple of hours max.

Google 'social stories' - perhaps making one together in advance of the next play date might help? But if yoir still not getting anywhere I'd just have a break for awhile. My 7yo doesn't have many just due to logistical reasons but she's got loads of friends at school so it's not an issue.

How do you deal with it when it happens? Do you tell her off? I’d sharply say “don’t be so silly DD, if you carry on like this nobody will want to be your friend. Shall I take xx home now if you’re going to act silly?” That should snap her out of it.

Keep the play dates short and highly structured. You can almost set out a timetable like school. Eg.
snack 10 minutes
draw pictures 15 minutes
play with Lego 15 minutes
tidy Lego 5 mins
etc

Some people just don’t like play dates.

Particularly straight from school.

My DS could not handle play dates at all. He just wanted to come home, relax and do what he wanted to do without the pressure of entertaining a friend.

3 hours after school, if that’s when they are happening is also too long….. 2 hours maximum.

Also, are you giving a drink, snack at pickup? This helped my DS to be more balanced before we just stopped altogether.

This approach will probably be the most helpful, it has helped my son a lot.

I know it says it's for ADHD but I don't think it would be bad if she doesn't have ADHD - it's just a very focused way to coach social skills within the environment, which is needed for ADHD because they find it difficult to bring skills they learn in theory into the environment, so traditional social skills as taught to autistic children through books/courses/therapy often don't work as well.

If you click on the download PDF it opens the article.

chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

Could it all just be a bit overstimulating for her? I remember having people over in my teens and being really grumpy with how unreasonable they were and it wasn’t until I found out that I’m a massive introvert with a huge need for space away from people to decompress fairly regularly that it all started to make sense. Having people in her space might just be a bit much for her and she doesn’t have the capacity to understand that her frustration is more about her than it is about her friends at the moment.

3 hrs is too long, same with parties, the peak time is 2 hrs with some kind of snack/lunch in the middle to give them a few minutes to cool off and refocus. I always tried to include a walk to the park but it’s only 5 mins away so was easy to get to and gave them plenty of space to get away from each other a bit if they needed to. This time of year blackberry picking always went down well for a few minutes, then when we got home they’d wash and eat the scrumped berries.

It is a disadvantage not to be able to cooperate or rub along with others. Everyone should help dc to have friends even if they just watch a film!

Have you spoken up her about her behaviour? Explained how she needs to think about others feelings? At 6yrs old she should understand that.
Could she have a shorter play date with you closer at hand and a positive reward for leading with kindness?

They are learning all the social skills they need and for some it's harder than for others. I'd take the 3 year old out of the mix and suggest an activity for the two to do together. My son always wanted friends round, then didn't seem to know what to do with them or had enough quite quickly and wanted them to go home.

Ds is 10.. Been to 1 play date and we have hosted none.
He isn't showing any signs of disadvantage..
Just stop them op.

My son was similar too. He loved the idea of playdates, but couldn't play. He was too excited/ had very clear expectations of how it was going to be and was so disappointed with the reality.

As others have said, outdoor activities - lots of clubs - and something more structured helped him a lot. Once he got to ten or so, he had worked out how to be.

Also suspect he has ADHD or ASD, but very high functioning and never diagnosed. . .

Yes my DD is the same so we've really cut back on playdates tbh and I'm very clear that people won't want to come and play if she's like this. She even manages to argue with children I know to be extremely placid and chill

My dd did it too,Layet diagnosed ASD and ADHD