My 6 year old daughter is a nightmare on playdates

Hopingtobeaparent · 05/08/2025 11:11

Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:45

This is exactly what it’s like

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I’ll be honest, I had a ? on ND for your daughter, OP.

Thegazelles · 05/08/2025 10:16

Sounds alot like by DS with Autism and ADHD at that age. He is almost 9 now and happily has playdates but at that age he would have too much expectation on what the DC should be doing. I would suggest inviting friends out with you eg take them to softplay for a playdate rather than having the DC in your home and try again in a year or so. Year 3 has been a real turning point for my DC in terms of maturity.

LondonSucks · 05/08/2025 10:12

Hiya, my daughter is very similar to yours in lots of ways. We had some sessions with a great educational psychologist recently, and we discussed something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which can be part of neurodiversity. I found it really helpful and she gave us some great advice on ways to navigate it, I'd definitely suggest looking it up and seeing if it resonates as it may help you to find different ways of approaching your daughters behaviour.

Sharingmythoughts · 05/08/2025 10:01

If possible could you invite 2 or 3 friends over to diffuse things a bit and keep it short and sweet for a while?

arcticpandas · 05/08/2025 08:20

When my asd son was younger (until about 12 y old) I actively participated in play dates to give ideas, structure or if free play just intervening gently when needed. This was in order to teach my son social skills and also letting the mate have a good time (I think they saw me as a "playmum"). It was so amazing to just sit back and do nothing when ds2 had playdates😄. I think you need to be more involved to see where things get tricky for your daughter in order to find strategies to prevent playdates going sour. She might just need some help in that area for a while so loook at it as an investment. You also get to be the popular mum with the children and some parents. But be aware that some parents will feel judged for not being as "invested" and give you snarky comments about letting the children play alors (even though you have explained multiple times that you would love that but it would end up in fight and tears because your son has a hidden disability🙄)...

GreenTurtles3 · 05/08/2025 08:04

Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 20:56

i have never really considered any additional needs, she seems okay at other kids houses but then im not sure how forthcoming other parents would be if there was an issue.

I asked another mum today who’s house
she has been to a few times and she said no
issues at all. She seems popular at school but i have noticed that she struggles to play when there is more than 1 child.

the main issue is she feels other kids are out to get her, but I am always in ear shot and can honestly say more often than not the other child has never done anything wrong. Same with her sister to be honest but I know siblings have a tendency to wind each other up.

going forward, play dates are absolutely on hold as it is no fun for any of us. Im not saying the entire play date is a disaster but a good portion of it is spent worrying about her behaviour. I literally felt after the last one like i
needed to lie in a dark room for a few hours to decompress 😂 lots of good ideas really appreciate those who have commented to give advice. Plenty to think about.

My 8 year old is exactly the same. She just gets a bit overwhelmed after a while and needs some space. Meeting in a neutral space for a shorter amount of time is my current strategy.

TizerorFizz · 04/08/2025 23:00

@BestZebbie This child is 6! She’s not fully capable yet! She’s not an adult. Op needs to try less play dates and shorter times. We never had one a week or even one every 2 weeks at 6. It’s not necessary and is over stimulating when child is probably tired already. Backing off could have great results and gojng somewhere neutral.

AlertEagle · 04/08/2025 22:56

Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:10

The past 3/4 times my daughter has had friends round, she is an absolute nightmare, I am at the end of my tether with it. She always falls out with whoever has come round and thinks they are out to get her/ shouting at her/ they won’t play what she wants. This is with different children as well, so it’s not an issue with it being 1 certain child. They always seem bemused when she is saying things things, e.g. she came to me when her friend was last here saying they wouldn’t play with her/ were saying mean things to her sister - however they kept saying what shall we play/ what’s wrong etc, and her sister (3) was happily playing along with her.

it does subside and she gets over it, but
it will probably happen for 20 mins x 2, over an average 3 hour play date.

is this normal 6 year old behaviour or AIBU to stop any future play dates until this behaviour stops?

My son does the same, he does it at school as well. School thinks it could be emotional disregulation or attention seeking.

LilySLE · 04/08/2025 22:25

I voted YABU to have 3 hour play dates at this age. We have gradually built up from about 90 mins when really young to about 2.5 hours now (age 7). That’s plenty - they do start to get ratty with one another and / or bored by the end of that time.

coxesorangepippin · 04/08/2025 21:48

Meet at the park

Then you can leave when you want!

Original poster

Joddlebod · 04/08/2025 20:14

BookArt55 · 03/08/2025 21:41

My son has adhd. Generally okay with playdates now, but i do a few things before it starts:
-explain the plan: I set the scene in a short, succinct way. I usually tell him the end phrase I will use and what we will do to end it. When it is our house he tends to be far more excited/harder to manage his feelings. So i encourage him to put special toys that he isn't willing to share in my room, kids aren't allowed in my room during playdates. I also suggest an activity before the other child arrives, usually something they have in common, or water play or something general. This helps to structure the playdate. I then have a snack prepared before so I'm nearby if he struggles. I also have a backup activity in my head incase free play doesn't happen naturally, or they aren't agreeing so I distract with the new thing.
I also consistently use the same plan no matter where if he starts to feel 'fizzy'. He's used to it now. I take him by both hands, bend down for eye contact, and i ask him to come with me to just 'have a minutes peace because your feeling a bit fizzy right now'. We then go and do breathing exercises. We practice these breathing techniques like blow the candle out, box breathing etc when he is completely calm so this has really helped when the feelings begin to build.
We roleplay, but I do it with what he likes (cars, tanks). I read books and we talk about the characters, and if I can't find a book that fits the scenario then I make up 'once upon a time' stories which for my son includes robots, army, aliens but always has a moral or story to support his learning about social situations.
I used to have to hover a little when we were having playdates, no distractions for me. Now I rarely need to involve myself. And he has great playdates inside and outside of the house.
It's tough, but every emotion is your child trying to communicate with you, whether they are or are not SEN. What is your child trying to tell you? That she struggles with these social interactions. If, and i mean if, SEN is a part of it then I think it's the same process but take it slower, it may take more understanding, time and calmness from you, and the more it links to the kid's interests then the better.
How can you teach her? What does she need to learn, break it into little chunks and not one big problem..

Thank you for this, some really good tips

OP posts:

MarySueSaidBoo · 04/08/2025 20:14

We had a strict rule of only one play date a week, and it was never more than 90 minutes. That way, we had 20 minutes when we got back from school for snack/drinks, then it was just over an hour of play then tidy up time/get ready for other Mum to arrive. This kept it quite short and sweet and all 3 of mine coped better. They were often so tired after school that extending their time spent with others rarely ended well! It got much easier by ages 8 to 9.

BestZebbie · 04/08/2025 20:13

The misreading tone thing is also very common in ASD - it is one of the ways the communication difficulties part can present.
A normal, firm or brisk voice can very very commonly be interpreted as aggressive 'shouting', an actually raised voice to anyone can be assumed to be personally directed.
Additionally, comments can be easily misinterpreted in both directions, especially if one person is being blunt and literal and the other reads everything as hints and 'jokes'. An assumption that other people have the same understanding as yourself can mean that if they don't and therefore do something unexpected which is not what the autistic person thinks is optimal they might seem to be 'choosing to be mean' rather than just being a different person.

Blablibladirladada · 04/08/2025 20:07

Yes agreed with others, change the scenery. If the park doesn’t work then try a softplay…to have a friend coming around is a more difficult skill for some to get and 6 is such a young age still. I would make it “easier” on her and take out the territory so she has to share more.

It does look like she doesn’t want to if I am honest.

Dancingsquirrels · 04/08/2025 20:06

TizerorFizz · 04/08/2025 09:31

If she’s ok at school it’s not send! They really will have spotted issues and they haven’t. Every single issue is a sen red flag these days. Poor child! It’s more of a my house, my way. She’s immature at playing. It’s not that unusual either. So change interactions with others and do shorter bursts.

Or, masking at school, then struggling at safe space at home. This is common with children who have ASN

Gardendiary · 04/08/2025 20:04

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/08/2025 10:49

Agree.

All six year olds have dubious social skills at times because they are six.

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I tend to agree. Just for balance, my dd has a diagnosis of ASD and is totally fine on playdates. She has always been able to manage 1 on 1, its larger groups that are a problem. There are all sorts of things that could be making it hard for your dd. My older ds found the pressure of 'hosting' hard and feeling like he needed to entertain another person, then there is navigating having someone in your space without the structure and rules of school and sharing. At 6 she is tiny and still learning how to do all this, some kids will master it straight away and for others it will take a bit longer.

Dancingsquirrels · 04/08/2025 20:04

BookArt55 · 03/08/2025 21:41

My son has adhd. Generally okay with playdates now, but i do a few things before it starts:
-explain the plan: I set the scene in a short, succinct way. I usually tell him the end phrase I will use and what we will do to end it. When it is our house he tends to be far more excited/harder to manage his feelings. So i encourage him to put special toys that he isn't willing to share in my room, kids aren't allowed in my room during playdates. I also suggest an activity before the other child arrives, usually something they have in common, or water play or something general. This helps to structure the playdate. I then have a snack prepared before so I'm nearby if he struggles. I also have a backup activity in my head incase free play doesn't happen naturally, or they aren't agreeing so I distract with the new thing.
I also consistently use the same plan no matter where if he starts to feel 'fizzy'. He's used to it now. I take him by both hands, bend down for eye contact, and i ask him to come with me to just 'have a minutes peace because your feeling a bit fizzy right now'. We then go and do breathing exercises. We practice these breathing techniques like blow the candle out, box breathing etc when he is completely calm so this has really helped when the feelings begin to build.
We roleplay, but I do it with what he likes (cars, tanks). I read books and we talk about the characters, and if I can't find a book that fits the scenario then I make up 'once upon a time' stories which for my son includes robots, army, aliens but always has a moral or story to support his learning about social situations.
I used to have to hover a little when we were having playdates, no distractions for me. Now I rarely need to involve myself. And he has great playdates inside and outside of the house.
It's tough, but every emotion is your child trying to communicate with you, whether they are or are not SEN. What is your child trying to tell you? That she struggles with these social interactions. If, and i mean if, SEN is a part of it then I think it's the same process but take it slower, it may take more understanding, time and calmness from you, and the more it links to the kid's interests then the better.
How can you teach her? What does she need to learn, break it into little chunks and not one big problem..

Brilliant post

orangetriangle · 04/08/2025 19:59

As others have said girls particularly can mask at school and can fly under the radar not saying there is anything but just keep an eye on things

Arran2024 · 04/08/2025 19:53

My daughter was very controlling when children came to the house. She genuinely struggled to share her toys, her room etc. She was much better outside the house where she was actually very popular.

But this popularity didn't last - She turned to be diagnosed with autism and adhd. She had a type of asd called PDA, which is more sociable than other autism types.

Anyway I am not trying to diagnose your daughter with anything but it is worth noticing more about her relationships with other children and see how things pan out in future.

My daughter went under the radar at school as she role played being a happy, friendly pupil. This is very PDA. But things started to unravel from about year 4.

If you can, I would suggest you get her assessed by a speech and language therapist. They look at social communication as well as speech.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/08/2025 19:32

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2025 16:12

No it’s not wrong.

My dd was like this. I didn’t have a clue what was causing it. I tried everything. She couldn’t interact with other children like they did. It was the first sign.

School were useless. Even when she had anxiety age 10 and couldn’t speak to someone through muteness. She was classed as difficult.

Sailed under the radar through being quiet and compliant.

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Exactly. So many autistic girls never have any "issues" at school as they follow the rules, do well academically and don't cause a fuss.

Original poster

Joddlebod · 04/08/2025 19:07

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 16:28

Sounds like you aren’t actually supervising them, so best knock play dates on the head until you do or your daughter will end up with no friends.

Savage 😂

OP posts:

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/08/2025 18:11

Joddlebod · 03/08/2025 16:10

The past 3/4 times my daughter has had friends round, she is an absolute nightmare, I am at the end of my tether with it. She always falls out with whoever has come round and thinks they are out to get her/ shouting at her/ they won’t play what she wants. This is with different children as well, so it’s not an issue with it being 1 certain child. They always seem bemused when she is saying things things, e.g. she came to me when her friend was last here saying they wouldn’t play with her/ were saying mean things to her sister - however they kept saying what shall we play/ what’s wrong etc, and her sister (3) was happily playing along with her.

it does subside and she gets over it, but
it will probably happen for 20 mins x 2, over an average 3 hour play date.

is this normal 6 year old behaviour or AIBU to stop any future play dates until this behaviour stops?

I wouldn’t do play dates at home for a while. I would, like exercise, start small and build it up. Start with 30 minute park meet ups and once they are going well increase etc.

Also are there any patterns? Like does the play date start well and then something happens which triggers the behaviour? Perhaps if she gets tired as it goes on, shorter play dates may be the answer. If she’s always like that, I’d work on playing with her and her sister to work on argumentative behaviour but keep play dates short and in spaces where she can be with other children but doesn’t have to directly interact as much (parks, soft play, trampolining etc). Some children have the desire to be around others but need to be scaffolded with social skills.

Also worth asking her teacher if she has any experiences with this and if so, if there are any tips? It would be useful to work out if it’s just in the home or if there is different behaviour in different settings.

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 16:28

Sounds like you aren’t actually supervising them, so best knock play dates on the head until you do or your daughter will end up with no friends.

ImFineItsAllFine · 04/08/2025 16:13

Just don't do playdates. They aren't compulsory.

One of my DC doesn't like having friends round as home is his safe space. Park or soft play meetups are a good alternative, especially over the holidays.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2025 16:12

TizerorFizz · 04/08/2025 15:30

@tumblingdowntherabbithole With respect it really is not. As others have said dc can feel ownership of what happens in their house and with their toys. It’s very normal! Saying it’s this or that diagnosis is wrong. It’s probably jealousy and immaturity in a 6 year old. My DD did it with one child. Also dc don’t always play nicely. Even very reasonable pleasant dc can react badly to things they aren’t ready for.

I think schools will have noticed inability to work with others and playground spats. On MN every single issue is now Sen. We are crying out for some common sense!

No it’s not wrong.

My dd was like this. I didn’t have a clue what was causing it. I tried everything. She couldn’t interact with other children like they did. It was the first sign.

School were useless. Even when she had anxiety age 10 and couldn’t speak to someone through muteness. She was classed as difficult.

Sailed under the radar through being quiet and compliant.