To ground dd(13) all summer?

Grounding for the whole summer is extreme and one of two things will happen.

You will uphold the grounding and she will go into September feeling resentful, isolated and determined to be more sneaky next time.

You will fail to uphold and your threats will be meaningless.

Far better to impose a realistic sanction but have a proper talk about WHY you are so disappointed. WHY you need to know where she is and WHY curfews matter. DD is 20 now, but i recall having this sort of conversation with her and explaining that the sooner me and her dad know there is a problem, the more likely we are to solve it for you. Whether that means you are in trouble/out of your depth/lost/drunk/scared or worse - if we are lax with curfews, we won't realise until much later that something is wrong. Once she really understood the reasoning, she became so much better at communicating and following rules.

I would also say now is a good time to introduce a safe word. If she calls and says 'did you remember to feed the neighbour's rabbit?" you know she needs collecting. We also did this on a no questions asked basis.

Show her that you recognise she is going to want more freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility and a bit of caution.

For now though, rather than ground her, find my phone on as a default, final warning before a week's grounding which kicks in if anything else happens and at least one other friend's number every time she goes out in a group. My caveat to this would be that you need to talk to her about drugs/country lines and ask again what she was handing over. If you definitely saw something, she needs to tell you what it was in order for you to trust her.

You need to get DH on board though. You can't be pulling in different directions.

I'd be really worried about 1) older friends and 2) a possible hand over of something illicit in that she didn't want to tell you. Sit her down and talk to her about grooming and drugs, County lines etc etc.

She’s usually well behaved so grounding is over the top. I think talking with her when out for a drive or in a cafe would be helpful. Grounding is so depressing and bad for mental health. I would track on phone and ask her to check in with a text every so often as plans do change

I wouldn't ground her. I would talk to her and attempt to make her see how not telling you what she is doing causes a lot of worry. Having said that, it depends on what she was actually doing and where she was. How old were the other kids she ended up with? When you tried to contact her she did get back in 20 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. My kids used to do similar, a lot of the time they couldn't hear their phones, or it was in a bag somewhere (at the skate park etc.) I'm not sure being with some different friends to the ones she set out with at 13 is that big a deal - I didn't really tell my mum where I was even going in the first place, though I appreciate it's a different time.
The climbing out of the window thing warrants a chat. Especially if you're definitely sure she handed something over.

I'd be worried about county lines from what you're saying.

I wouldn't ground, I don't think, but have you anyone you could send her to that she'd love and will get her out of the area for up to the rest of the holiday. A good break away.

I'd ask my mum if she could take her, if it was one of mine. Several counties away and a totally different group. My dc would think they were having a treat too, which would help.

I'd get her a new phone with a new number, and restrict who is on the phone address book.
You can also get apps where you can view anything they send/receive. I don't like doing that in a lot of ways, but there's something going on here and you need to be aware.

Is she Y8 or Y9?

DD is 12 (Y7 going into Y8) and I would be apoplectic with rage but also beside myself with worry if this were her. I don’t think a full on summer grounding would help but there must be some consequences for her actions and most importantly, you have to get to the root of her motivation. Why is she sneaking out, why has she adopted an old phone behind your back?

If it were my DD I would take her on a dog walk, the two of us (this possibly isn’t relevant to you but anything that’s routine & relaxed works) and be completely open. Highlight the dangers of her actions and why you’re so upset and let her talk to you. Have the conversation about why being truthful is so important in a family unit and why you need to know where she is so that you can keep her safe. Share an element of your history if relevant - I know I wasn’t perfect growing up and it can be helpful for mother/daughter relationships to discuss history and experiences.

We haven’t gotten into the world of phones yet but I would absolutely be ridding the house of any old handsets so this can’t be repeated (was her older sister complicit?) and enforcing a daily phone check.

As you say, it’s important she has time with friends over the long summer, but equally important she has family time and that your channels of communication are open. If something was passed between her and this person then this won’t be the last you’ll see of this behaviour and the more open you can be, the more chances you have of nipping it in the bud.

I really hope things improve, it sounds extremely stressful.

I’d just have a strict curfew and make sure there is some kind of tracker on the phone and tell her that there will be big trouble if she’s not in when she’s supposed to be or not where she is supposed to be ie different town etc . I’d also make it very clear that forays out of windows will mean grounding during the day .

Connection before correction

Funnily enough 2 children of this age that I know have done very similar things recently..I think 13 is an age of risk taking...not seeing immediate consequences because of the desire of the brain for adventure and being peer motivated

Does your husband understand about the development of the teenage brain? Its a really huge developmental shift where evolution has designed them to push away from home and be focused on their peers.

Also they lose the ability to make sensible decisions because rhe brain is focusing on other changes...like toddlers

Sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things already, ie chores/responsibilities, plenty of real life social interactions.
Like others have suggested rather than grounding I think tighter restrictions on WiFi/ phone would be better, WiFi off at certain times using router to restrict access on certain devices or block access to certain sites. As well as insisting the phone is not in her room overnight.

Grounding is a shit idea.

You absolutely need to know who she saw at night and what was handed over.
I suspect the late use of phone, unplanned meeting up with other friends, all of these are linked together.

I would ask her to show you her phone and her sister’s. You need to see the messages and see what’s going on. On both phones.
You need a discussion on the late night meet up (who, why, what)
And I’d tell her that until she has regained your trust, you’ll be tighter re rules - knowing where she is, earlier ‘curfew’, etc etc
I might tell her that you’ll have some system in place to know where she is (because you were so worried when she didn’t turn up ) etc….

What was her reaction when you finally got to her? Worried her dad would be angry, ashamed, really sorry? That would also dictate your response I feel.

Our job as a parent is to protect our children from the world it is to give them the skillset to (as much as anyone can) protect themselves.

And to create people who can live in harmony and respect others

an overhaul of what is acceptable behaviour but more realistic boundaries as to what is appropriate for her to be doing at 13 is what is needed

clear communication because some of her behaviour is completely unacceptable (and I have a 16 and nearly 13 year old) breaking trust isn’t on at all and needs consequences and if she ever breaks those again set our clearly what will happen (and I would go hard)

but then negotiate sensible boundaries

Its so easy for kids to feel out of the loop with friends, don't be the one who makes her feel that way.
Wifi of at X time, extra chores are much better.

Reduced screen time and a conversation to see what the pressures are to be online/meet others at night. Your WiFi provider may have the facility to check devices which are using your WiFi. It sounds like she is under pressure to meet expectations from others, and the mention of her being passed something is concerning. I hope it is just that she is just not wanting to miss out on anything.

I wouldn’t ground her all summer but I’d want to know what she climbed out of the window to give her friend and I would say if she doesn’t tell you, she doesn’t go on this trip with her friends.

Ummm. I think you need to ground for a week. Minimum and teach her about what can happen. Phoned downstairs at night. Show her some videos about phone addiction. Not sure about the package could be drugs, vape or post it notes.

We had a code of ‘how’s Boris?’ )the dog if I got that it meant on the phone or via text- I could go on life 360 and find her and pick her up - a text of it meant I could reply ‘Boris isn’t well. I really think as he’s your dog it would settle him if you were here’ so then she could leave without losing face.

Talk through emergency money in bra, how to de escalate etc

Give her a final warning and let her know what the consequences would be if the same behaviour continues. Grounded for a whole summer is too much given whats happened. Shes a teen and wants to be out with her friends let her know that you understand her and want her to have fun with friends and keeping her grounded isnt your intention but if you cannot trust her and reach her when you call then you will have no chance but to ground her.

I wouldn't call it grounding but I would be significantly reducing her opportunities to do this sort of thing. I would tell her she's shown me she's not ready to handle the level of independence we thought was appropriate and so she's going back to basics - home by say 5pm, no sleep overs, bedroom door open at all times. She can still see her friends but not to the extent she is mucking about like this.

If you need to ground her for 5 weeks in order to get the point across, then I'd suggest that grounding is not a very effective consequence.

What is the big trip and where? Can you trust her?

Grounding for the a few weeks would be the bare minimum I would do here

This is intolerable behaviour pacified by a generation of gentle parenting fanatics.

this. I mean I think its harsh anyway but who is going to police this? Your DH?

Why would you do that to yourself!!???

Think of different consequences.

If your dh wants to ground get all summer then he needs to be there all summer.
Or is he expecting you to do it?

Remove her phone for a couple of days. When is the big event? She needs to earn the right to go to that.

I think a frank conversation about how her dad wanted to ground her for the summer but you have managed to negotiate it down to one week on the basis that she does not break your trust again is the way to go. If you come down too heavy handed she’ll be angry and will continue down the sneaky route. If you reinforce that you WANT to be able to trust her and for her to enjoy some freedom, she’ll hopefully feel she’s had a lucky escape and will learn from this. Going through something similar myself right now, I can empathise. Teens are hard work xxx