To ground dd(13) all summer?

Whenever SS13 (nearly 14) does something silly I try to think back to what I was like and so does my DH. Truth is their brains are developing at this age and mentoring/guiding them to learn is better than punishment to restrict.

I was only having exactly that conversation with my best friends the other day when we went out for a drink (all the things we used to get up to at their ages).

SS has a tracking app on his phone that his mum and DH have access to. This week he has asked for his phone in his room overnight (as he has this at mummy’s) and we have explained that we will put focus mode on for the evening and he has our trust, but he is not to break that trust.

I am with you OP on this, have a good talk, agree some boundaries and agree some consequences if those boundaries are not met or are breached and go from there. Harsh punishment without giving her a chance is only going to lead to resentment and break all opportunities for connection, confidence and communication which are the goals you really want in this day and age. Make it all about trust.

Grounded three days, and phone removed for a day, trip is in doubt she’s let you down, if she behaves until her trip she’ll be let off with good behaviour but if she lets you down again she’ll be grounded for a week, and no trip. There’s a consequence to her behaviour but she is in control of its severity. I would use this time as well to discuss why those rules were in place and what could have happened by her breaking them.

My parents were very controlling with me as a teenager due to my mother’s anxiety. It damaged my relationship with my friends and left me isolated from social groups. I am not saying that’s what you sound like at all but I suspect you think your DH might be.

I understand she has broken your rules but I would start by reflecting on where the rules are reasonable and where they might be overkill.

As parents you always assume it’s the worst. She’s gotten into drugs or she’s being groomed by an older guy. But not unreasonable for a 13 yo girl to be mortified at the idea of her parents checking her phone, it’s also not unreasonable for you to want a sense of what she’s up to on the phone either.

Can you try a proper conversation with her where you let her in to your thinking? She’s 13, it’s time she started considering a broader perspective too.

A dead phone and being late seems minor. Sneaking out to talk to a mate at the gate also. I think you need to be able to parse between your DH’s OTT impulse to control, and what’s actually happening with your DD.

I also don’t think I would ground at all. I would sit her down and be like, “right well I am really stuck here between your poor behaviour and your dad wanting to ground you all summer - so help me come up with a way in which you take more responsibility and stop acting out”. I remember a conversation my Dad had with me like this and it was very powerful.

good luck!

I agree ,a week will seem like a lifetime to her. Tell her she needs to earn her privileges back.

Lovely, also this.

This.

If she’s lying and sneaking around you need to focus on the quality of the relationship you have with her. Sit her down and explain youd like her to be honest about what’s she’s doing and that you won’t stop her from doing anything without good reason (I.e risk to her safety) and that if she can just be honest with you and keep you in the loop it’ll work out much better for you both. Definitely impose some kind of less harsh consequence for lying to you, but even more so guide her into honesty and give her a bit of freedom. Celebrating her being honest with you and giving her a bit of extra freedom will give you much better results than just grounding her all summer with no real result from that.

It seems very harsh to ground a child (who in her own eyes is well on the way to adulthood) for 6 weeks when she is usually well behaved. It seems like an overly unfair punishment which will lead to her being more secretive, more likely to sneak out, and unable to feel she can come to you with issues. The loss of her friendship group - which will happen if she misses a whole summer with them - will have a knock-on effect at school. The only thing you said in your OP that concerned me tbh was the 'handing over of something' which does need some resolution but if you ground her for 6 weeks she is never going to tell you what it was.

Trust has been broken and I would be worried but I would not ground all summer. A week grounded then stricter boundaries to build up trust, such as not allowed out as late or as long or as far away as usual until trust built up again. Regular check ins by text or phone call etc.

I think it’s definitely too harsh. I would impose an earlier curfew for a week and if she sticks to it release it the week after BUT if she doesn’t stick to it, it gets an hour earlier.

That way she is getting a punishment but it’s in her then to do the right thing.

Explain the dangers of not knowing where she is. If something was to happen to her you need to know who she was with. It sounds awful but I’d scare her. She could be raped, kidnapped or worse. Let her know that no matter what happens she can tell you and call you and you will be there no questions no anger. If she doesn’t feel she can you rely on you she will hide more things.

If she is involved in county lines this is serious it is highly dangerous for both her and the entire family and the OP needs to make sure ASAP that this isn't what's going on. If it is, they need to contact police and children's services because this won't just go away.

I think it's relatively unreasonable to expect a running commentary of where she is and who she's with. That's the conversation for after she's home - 'met so and so and we did x and then met y and z and did a different thing' when you're comparing your days.

If she wants to send a running commentary because she's unsure of the situation she's in and wants advice / reassurance, that's different.

Inconveniencing someone who is coming to collect you is rude and it'd be just as rude for an adult. So teach back up options - battery packs / how to use a public payphone / carrying a spare Nokia brick or other phone with v long battery life.

It being the summer holidays and her being 13 and not much younger maybe time to let her have her own phone overnight and see how her sleep is affected. Aim is her understanding that sleep is important and the internet can wait overnight rather than external rules she's finding workarounds for.

Why did they feel the need to meet in secret at the gate? It's bizarre and makes them look guilty of something. Is the friend in difficulties at home and unable to visit at a more sociable hour? Make home a safe place for her to talk about what's going on.

All summer? Much too harsh.
sit down with her and draw up a list of rules and consequences.

One thing I would add would be childlocks or alarms on windows. At 13, they don’t get the risks of going out without parents knowing.

I read to 4th bullet point thinking you are being unreasonable to ground all summer.
I think I would prefer to increase restrictions on phones, remove devices and have a good talk rather than go to the extreme.

The part about sneaking out at night and handing over something is really worrying though. I’d still rather monitor devices and remove internet from a certain time. She sounds addicted to it and not able to regulate - very normal btw.

Can you find something else for her to occupy her summer OP? So she doesn’t realise?

This x

Agree

My Mum didn't believe in grounding and neither do I. She would prefer to let me go out and know about it than have me try to sneak out. If you do ground her she is just going to sneak out and you won't know where or with whom she is. There has to be a better punishment that doesn't isolate her from her friends which will just cause more problems for you. A temporary ban on tech at home. No snacks or treat foods. No pocket money.

I'm sorry I'm erring on your DH s side. Maybe her friendship loop is what she needs to be out of. Either she's being influenced in which case the more space the better OR she is the bad influence in which case your doing the other parents a favour and showing her your not a push over. She's not keeping to agreements she is just saying enough until she gets a workaround or enough time for her mum to push dad into caving in.

Too harsh. She will hate you forever.

Surely missing something she was looking forward to will make her think twice about her actions in future. Going by your way you might as well tell her she’s grounded for a week but don’t worry we will still let you do the fun stuff you planned. I’m with your DH, with your attitude to it she will walk all over you

Secret phones, handing over packages, meeting up with older children, climbing out of windows it’s screams county lines!!!!!
Have you got relatives who live elsewhere that she can go and stay with?

You won't be able to ground someone who climbs out of windows.

The bit that is most concerning is (1) older kids and (2) climbing out of the window.
the phone going dead and plans changing could be a one-off unlucky.
Myself I would take her phone for the week, and make her do family stuff (I guess grounding). Then she earns it back. Tracker on phone when it’s given back, no phones in bedroom (daytime or at night - shd can use it downstairs).

I dont think this is about punishment or grounding so much as changing some rules, expectations and boundaries due to safeguarding. She cant manage the amount of freedom and phone use she has, she doesnt know how to manage online safely by the sounds of it (ie hooking up with older teens and meeting a friend to collect 'something'),

Therefore its about supervision, monitoring, withdrawal of the privilege of particular types of devises until she is able to demosntrate better decision making skills. Its about protection rather than punishment. Who is persuading her of all of this anyway?