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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2025 15:48

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 15:25

To clarify, I don’t think my fiancé is lying in a malicious way, but I do think he’s been vague. From the beginning, he always said the child wasn’t biologically his and that there was never a formal setup around parenting. He told me he was “there” when she was little and tried to be a good support figure at the time, but the way it’s been framed always made it sound like that part of his life was fully in the past. It’s only now, when I’ve started asking more directly, that I’m realising just how patchy the timeline is. He said they hadn’t seen each other in “years” but also that they exchange birthday cards. I didn’t know that before this week.

I also can’t stop thinking about how strange it is for the ex to reach out like this - especially without giving any indication of how this would even work. No mention of who would be supervising the girl on the day, no clear reason why now. Just a vague “could she come” as though she’s a long-lost niece and not the daughter of someone he split up with four years ago. It doesn’t make sense.

And like some of you rightly pointed out - what 7 year old even asks to go to a wedding of a man she hasn’t seen since she was a toddler? Kids don’t think like that. It must have been prompted by the mum, or worse, the child may not even know the invite has been “requested” on her behalf. Which makes me really uncomfortable. I’m not saying there’s a full-blown hidden agenda, but I am starting to wonder if this was less about the child and more about the ex trying to reassert a link.

If the little girl genuinely wants contact with him, I would never want to stand in the way of that. But a wedding is not the time or place for that kind of reconnection. It feels unfair on everyone - especially her.

I’ve decided I need to sit down with my fiancé properly, without emotion or assumptions, and just ask for the full story. Who contacted who, how long they’ve been in touch, what kind of communication has actually been happening, and what kind of relationship he wants with this child going forward. Because if she’s going to be part of our lives in any meaningful way, I need to know now. Not after we’re married, not when we’re suddenly having to make space for people I didn’t even realise were still in the picture.

I’m not looking to call the wedding off, but I do think I’ve been too trusting that this was all “sorted” and in the past. It clearly isn’t.

I think you’re being really sensible. Sit him down. Ask him what’s going on and then go from there.
I’d be making it perfectly clear though, that he tells the truth now and you won’t tolerate different versions/truths coming out later on.
Personally, I think it sounds dodgy as fuck wrt him being the potential dad but who knows?

Rewis · 03/08/2025 15:47

Since the wedding has more than just closest family. I would be tempted to put the decision on him and I would refuse to be the bad guy. I would baiscly say that if it really means so much to him to have this child there, then she is welcome. However, he needs to sort out all the practicalities. And then I'd throw in a question if he has thought about how this might be damaging for her. Coming alone to a wedding of a father figure she's unlikely to remember and hasn't seen i years and likely never see again. But again, up to him. If her presence is important, you'll be supportive.

Or be mature (unlike me) and sit him down and make his tell you the whole story. Share the messages. Give you a timeline. Him telling what is the master plan going forward. Her sitting at a corner and never seeing him again is a shit plan. So im thinking maybe he has see her. But I'll stand by refusing to be the bad guy. He needs to decide if this peroan is important to him or not.

Phobiaphobic · 03/08/2025 15:47

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

Meanwhile you come across as so sensitive and so, so kind. Not.

pictoosh · 03/08/2025 15:46

If she was 3 when he left and has only seen him a couple of times since, it seems odd for her to attend his wedding imho. Won't she feel like a fish out of water?
I can't imagine a 7 yr old enjoying that.

VeryStressedMum · 03/08/2025 15:45

prelovedusername · 03/08/2025 15:35

How does a seven year old “exchange birthday cards” with a man who isn’t her father and hasn’t been in her life for years? This is the ex’s work, and the fact that he hasn’t mentioned any of this to you it is worrying.

Sorry OP but I don’t think she’s done with him and he might turn out not be done with her.

Edited

I agree. Also very strange that the boyfriend didn't say to op oh look I've got a birthday card from her I'll have to get her one.
Did he thank the girl for the card, presumably via the mother?
His response is strange, just a vague she might remember me. And suddenly there's more contact than he mentioned. Which probably means there's been more contact than that.

DoYouReally · 03/08/2025 15:44

There's a lot to this that doesn't add up.

Has he really not seen her since she was 3 and had no actually contact with both the child & the mother for 4 years except sending cards?

He sends birthday cards? Does he have any other contact? Phonecalls? Facetime? Christmas?

If he genuinely has had zero contact with either of them in 4 years, I'm not buying his reaction to the mother's request.

No 7 years old wants to go to a strange man's wedding if she doesn't know him.

She wouldn't even know about it only for the mother.

If he isn't lying about the level of contact the only other logical explanation here is that mum is a little deluded and has told daughter that he's her dad and continues to tell others he plays a role in her daughter's life for some sort of keeping up with appearances and therefore if she isn't at his wedding that lie falls apart.

I would want a far better explanation from him that what you've got as it just doesn't add up properly.

Silverbirchleaf · 03/08/2025 15:44

Hotmagna · 03/08/2025 15:42

This thread is about you not being fully trusting of your fiancé

and rightfully so

ask to see the message exchanges

Yes.

Hotmagna · 03/08/2025 15:44

You say there’s “no plan” for the children in terms of children

so you and your fiancée haven’t spoken About having kids?

Silverbirchleaf · 03/08/2025 15:43

AliceMcK · 03/08/2025 15:30

My ExHs DD was invited to my wedding, along with her mum and half sister (not my Exs), my DH was fine with it. I loved this little girl as if she was mine and vice versa, it wasnt her fault her dad and I didn’t last. I was only in her life a few short years but they meant a lot to both of us. Over time and due to distance we don’t see each other any more but we do chat and message each other because we still care about each other.

So you still have a relationship with the child. Op’s dp doesn’t.

Hotmagna · 03/08/2025 15:42

This thread is about you not being fully trusting of your fiancé

and rightfully so

ask to see the message exchanges

WearyAuldWumman · 03/08/2025 15:42

I doubt very much that the little girl initiated the idea of attending the wedding: it's more likely that the mother suggested this to her.

ETA Yes, I'm swayed by my own experience. During lockdown, I got a phonecall from one of DH's kids asking whether their mother could represent them at his funeral. I later found out that it had been the ex's idea all along.

MeridianB · 03/08/2025 15:42

Well done for planning a calm conversation about it. There’s clearly more than he is saying. Hope it goes well.

Radiowaawaa · 03/08/2025 15:39

If he or the mum want to rebuild the relationship between him and the little girl they can do that any other day. Go to a theme park or out for lunch. Don’t reconnect on a day where he will be too busy to give her any attention.
I’m guessing that neither he nor the ex would be interested in that though.

He’s not seen her for years, he’s not that interested and she’s not that important in his life.

Sassybooklover · 03/08/2025 15:39

How does your partner's ex even know you're getting married??! Your partner isn't biologically this little girl's Dad, and was only in her life between the ages of 1-3 years of age. Does this little girl even remember him??? He has no real relationship with her, if he's only seen her a couple of times since the age of 3 and she's now 7. I'm confused as to why your partner's ex, has even suggested her daughter attend!! Who's going to be looking after her, if she were to come??? Or is his ex expecting an invitation as well?? The girl isn't going to know anyone, and even if she may have had contact with your partner's family, whilst her Mum was with your partner, she wouldn't remember them!! It's a crazy idea!! The answer would be no, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either.

Jewelanemone · 03/08/2025 15:38

ResidentPorker · 03/08/2025 14:45

Absolutely this. Poor child.

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Why 'poor child'? She isn't his and she doesn't know him. Why in earth should the OP have her at the wedding?

diddl · 03/08/2025 15:37

So why hasn't he invited her?

Did it only occur to him when his ex mentioned it?

Surely if it was important to him he would have mentioned it by now?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 03/08/2025 15:37

Unless your DP and this DC have had very regular contact with each other in the possibly, 4 years since the relationship with her mother ended I find it rather strange that the DC's mother, or any parent would even suggest that the DC spend the day in the company of a group of people that, bar one, they don't know, worse still haven't even met before.

Either she's looking to cause an argument between you both and clutching at straws that you'll cancel the wedding.

Is looking for an invite via an excuse of the DD.

Or she wants your new husband and you spending very little time together on your wedding day.

Wonder if it's a thing she'll do/does with other ex boyfriends.

MarxistMags · 03/08/2025 15:37

So completely out of the blue the ex asked if child could be invited ? How very strange. The child wouldn't know anyone either.
It's a no from me.

LongfordBandito · 03/08/2025 15:36

Driftingawaynow · 03/08/2025 15:11

Yep, there’s a lot of cunts about that’s for sure

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I think people who expect ex partners to keep in touch sporadically, confusing the poor child are the cunts in this situation

prelovedusername · 03/08/2025 15:35

How does a seven year old “exchange birthday cards” with a man who isn’t her father and hasn’t been in her life for years? This is the ex’s work, and the fact that he hasn’t mentioned any of this to you it is worrying.

Sorry OP but I don’t think she’s done with him and he might turn out not be done with her.

krustykittens · 03/08/2025 15:34

I think the child has got some notion in her head that going to a wedding, any wedding, is going to be magical and wonderful, when the reality is she is going to be bored to tears within half an hour and finding herself really lonely in a room full of strangers. But why the mother is indulging this is beyond me. I would say no, OP, but if your DH is still interested in being part of this child's life then he should offer another meet up as an olive branch. But his wedding day is not the best time to re-connect.

cheesymashfortea · 03/08/2025 15:33

I wouldn’t want this either. If it was a large wedding, maybe there could be an argument for it, but given numbers are tight and some actual family members won’t be invited, it’s a hard no.

WigglesMadness · 03/08/2025 15:33

Driftingawaynow · 03/08/2025 15:00

Be warned. @Helpmeplease2025 will also form an attachment with a child between 1-3 (critical age for forming attachments) and then walk away from the child.

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Thanks for the warning, it's important for parents to know that there's a person actively trying to get random toddlers to bond with them so she can abandon them.

Do you think helpmeplease2025 works in a nursery?

Createausername1970 · 03/08/2025 15:33

I think this has got more to do with the ex and her feelings, rather than the child itself.

She has found out her ex is getting married and she is a bit put out of joint, he didn't marry her. So she is trying to stir it up a bit, and has the perfect wooden spoon - her child.

I would do as a pp suggested. DP politely refuses but suggests a meet up in the park in after the wedding if child wants.

My gut feeling is he won't be taken up on it.

LongfordBandito · 03/08/2025 15:32

Driftingawaynow · 03/08/2025 15:08

not suggesting he raise the child, simply stay in touch a bit if they had a close bond, which it sounds like they did at one point.
I guess it depends how involved he was but if he was close and then simply walked out of the child’s life when they split I would not touch him with a bargepole personally. It’s worth thinking about, although sounds like OP can’t be doing with the uncomfortable feelings it brings up in her so it’s a moot point.
with the child having been out of the picture for so long as a mother i wouldn't subject them to it, as the bride has said this child is essentially nothing to them. It wouldn’t be child focused to send them

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Why are you assuming that "staying in touch a bit " is a positive thing?

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