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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 18:19

I’ve gone from thinking this was just an awkward wedding-day situation to now seriously questioning what the foundations of my relationship have actually been built on. A few of you have pointed out things that make a lot of sense, especially around the paternity side of it. I kept brushing past that in my head because I didn’t want to believe it could be a possibility, but when you all lay it out like that - it really does not add up.

The wording he used - “she always told me from the start she wasn’t mine” - yeah, you’re right. Why would she need to say that unless there was ever a reason to think otherwise? If he met her when the child was one, and there was no overlap or confusion, then that conversation wouldn’t have even been relevant. I didn’t clock that at the time but now it’s glaring.

I’m also seriously uncomfortable about the idea that this child might think he is her dad. He hasn’t answered that directly. I didn’t even know to ask it before, but I will now. Because if she’s grown up believing that, and the contact has been going on behind the scenes, then this situation is miles more serious than just a weird wedding invite.

A few people asked if I’m planning to call the ex. I don’t know. Part of me wants to, but I’m also aware I don’t know what I’m walking into, and I don’t want to put myself in a position where it becomes a shouting match or something emotional and chaotic. That said, I do want the truth, and if that’s the only way to get it, I’m not ruling it out.

I haven’t seen the messages yet. That’s a line in the sand for me now. I’ve told him I need to go through them with him tonight, and if he refuses or tries to minimise it, I’ll take that as my answer. I don’t want to be the person who’s “so understanding” that I let things slide and then spend years regretting it.

I’ve also decided that the wedding is officially on pause until this is all properly dealt with. I haven’t said the words “postponed” yet, but in my heart, I know I can’t walk down the aisle until this is sorted. I don’t know if that means a few weeks or forever, but I’m not pretending anymore that this is just a one-off issue.

To whoever said I’ve taught him he can lie and I’ll still stay - that hit hard, but I hear it. I’m trying not to spiral, but I do feel incredibly stupid. I don’t want to be naive. I want to be brave enough to walk away if that’s what needs to happen.

I’ll come back and update once I’ve seen the messages and had a proper, honest conversation. Right now I just feel like everything I thought I knew is a bit upside down.

OP posts:
Tuttersw18 · 03/08/2025 18:19

You're not being unreasonable. I would say that your wedding day is not the place for you to meet her for the first time. It should be a day that's all about the two of you.

BunnyLake · 03/08/2025 18:19

Account734 · 03/08/2025 18:16

No, I just care about children. Why don't you?

Show quote history

Yet you’d be quite happy for a seven year old to be left at a wedding knowing none of the guests, to just fend for herself?

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 18:18

I am so sorry OP, but his time line, vague language and shady behaviour is completely a red flag.

I wouldn't trust him for a minute.
I think he was at the very least having sex with her BEFORE she got pregnant and he is guessing on her word it is someone else's.

He is seriously dishonest and there is not a chance i would be marrying someone so deliberately vague.

You don't seem to be able to get a straight answer out of him.

I'm so sorry.

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 18:18

diddl · 03/08/2025 18:06

Nope, she just needs to ditch the liar!

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Oh I agree totally, but you can tell from her posts that OP is weak (sorry to be unkind) and going to let him get away with it,

LoremIpsumCici · 03/08/2025 18:18

I think it’s nothing to do with you and you should be leaving it entirely to your DH to decide. This girl is no threat to you or your marriage so I don’t understand why you’d make an issue out of this.

BunnyLake · 03/08/2025 18:17

Account734 · 03/08/2025 18:13

Agree completely. What kind of a man dumps a child and what kind of a woman doesn't allow that child to be part of the day of the man she perceives to be her dad gets married. Sounds like you two deserve each other. Horrible people.

Show quote history

Who would look after the child at the wedding? There’s obviously a lot more to this than he is letting on.

Account734 · 03/08/2025 18:16

BobbiBrownJones · 03/08/2025 18:15

Are you the ex?

Show quote history

No, I just care about children. Why don't you?

MyLimeGuide · 03/08/2025 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BobbiBrownJones · 03/08/2025 18:15

Account734 · 03/08/2025 18:13

Agree completely. What kind of a man dumps a child and what kind of a woman doesn't allow that child to be part of the day of the man she perceives to be her dad gets married. Sounds like you two deserve each other. Horrible people.

Show quote history

Are you the ex?

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 03/08/2025 18:15

2dogsandabudgie · 03/08/2025 18:10

This. I would insist on a paternity test and if the ex is telling the truth and he's not the father then he needs to cut all contact otherwise this will end up very messy especially for the child. What happens if her mother gets a new partner or you have children?

If she is your fiancé's child then of course that changes everything.

Show quote history

How would you 'insist' on a paternity test in this situation? You would need the co-operation of the custodial parent or a court order, neither of which are likely to be forthcoming.

BobbiBrownJones · 03/08/2025 18:15

Why is he even in touch with his ex if they weren’t married and the child isn’t his - and why didn’t he tell you that he was?

Account734 · 03/08/2025 18:13

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

Agree completely. What kind of a man dumps a child and what kind of a woman doesn't allow that child to be part of the day of the man she perceives to be her dad gets married. Sounds like you two deserve each other. Horrible people.

SunnyViper · 03/08/2025 18:12

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

Give it a rest. The kid has nothing to do with OP and a tenuous link with her partner. It’s a batshit request from the ex.

2dogsandabudgie · 03/08/2025 18:10

GRex · 03/08/2025 18:03

I asked again if she’s his biological child and he still says no. He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now
Come on OP. It's right there. Look at it. Get him to do the DNA test now, before the wedding. Decide how you feel when the truth is out.

This. I would insist on a paternity test and if the ex is telling the truth and he's not the father then he needs to cut all contact otherwise this will end up very messy especially for the child. What happens if her mother gets a new partner or you have children?

If she is your fiancé's child then of course that changes everything.

BunnyLake · 03/08/2025 18:10

Ask him to explain why he was told the child wasn’t his if the child already existed before he had a relationship with ex.

Unless I am reading that wrong, but who says ‘by the way this child isn’t yours’ when you first start dating someone? Bizarre.

outerspacepotato · 03/08/2025 18:10

You need to ask him flat out if he was having sex with her around when her child was conceived. Never needed a test, mom said she wasn't his, come on.

You did not get the full story.

Have him do a DNA test ASAP. Put everything on hold until you get the results.

If he's her dad or even suspects he could be and didn't bother to get a test, he's a weak man who will take the easy way out of things. Kind of like he's doing with you. He's awfully vague about things

And hiding this contact from you while you were getting more and more involved, that's not anything in his favour.

Eddielizzard · 03/08/2025 18:09

So sorry you're dealing with this. It's truly shit. The ex may have some insight, and I personally would talk to her but I can see that you may not want to...

MoveOverToTheSea · 03/08/2025 18:09

Assuming everyone comes from a good place, the wedding is the least suitable place first this little girl to ‘reconnect’ with someone who was a father figure to get. They would NOT get to talk. She’d be surrounded by strangers. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Whether your fiancé/stbDH should stay in contact…. I feel this is a question you two need to have a chat about. It might be that seeing the child AFTER the wedding is a good idea. He might want to stay involved. But he needs to know it’s a choice on his part. He doesn’t have to regardless of the guilt tripping the ex is doing.
Im wondering what’s going on on the mum’s side though. Why is she pushing her dd to write birthday cards to him (the dd is much too young to think about it herself)? Does she have a partner? Does the dd have contact with her father?
Your DH needs to thread carefully.

MounjaroMounjaro · 03/08/2025 18:09

I'm trying to figure out who the birthday cards are to and from - his ex or the child? Where is his ex sending his cards to? Is he hiding them from you?

There's so much more to this than he's letting on, OP. As everyone says, he wasn't even with her until the child was one, so why doesn't he say that?

Are you 100% sure of this guy? Do you think he's been seeing his ex and the child regularly over the years?

MascaraGirl · 03/08/2025 18:08

The biggest issue to be addressed, is whether or not he is the girl’s father - and if he is, and is aware of this, why didn’t he tell the OP? Having a child from a previous relationship is hardly unusual these days.

Carpedimum · 03/08/2025 18:08

Just a thought, sorry nrtft, are you having a church wedding? Could she have meant that they could just attend the ceremony? It used to be sort of normal for randomers or people known to the family but not invited to the wedding, to turn up at the church. Otherwise, I think it’s a completely weird idea and I’d shut it down fast.

diddl · 03/08/2025 18:06

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 18:05

OP, you need to ring this woman. Ask her for her side of this “story”

Nope, she just needs to ditch the liar!

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 18:05

OP, you need to ring this woman. Ask her for her side of this “story”

JHound · 03/08/2025 18:04

The ex is weird. Why is your husband to be even thinking about it?

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