Page 5 | To think the cafe staff should have given the money to this homeless man?

Eastie77Returns · 2025-08-03T13:15:56+00:00

I went to a cafe earlier today. There was a man outside who regularly sits with a sign stating he is homeless and asking for money. At one point a man came in, handed a member of the cafe staff a £20 note and left. It turned out he had given the staff this money to buy a meal for the homeless man who subsequently came into the cafe and ordered some food and drink. It was clearly a regular occurrence as the staff member automatically knew to charge the bill to the £20. When she had rung everything up she handed the man his meal and he asked for his change. She refused and said “No, the money is only to be used for food here. You know this. If you want to use any of the change you can order something else tomorrow” The homeless man became angry and shouted that he wanted his money. The whole episode escalated and he began banging a table. A male member of staff eventually escorted/pushed him outside. AIBU to think the cafe should have just given him the money??

andweallsingalong · 03/08/2025 17:50

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 16:02

To the posters who keep repeating I’m naive..I’m really not. I grew up in East London and have seen a lot of homelessness, poverty etc.

I am not discounting the fact the money could have been used on drink or drugs. Most people on this thread are however 100% certain that it would have which is baffling to me. No-one, including me, has any idea how and why this man has ended up where he is.

OP do you not find it ironic that you find it out of order that people think her likely has a drink or drugs problem. Yet are perfectly happy to assume that you as a passer by are untitled to an equal or more opinion on what should have happened to the money compared to the cafe and benefactor who know him better.

Kindly, you may have some experience in areas of high homelessness, but those of us with lots of experience with people with alcohol and drugs issues would a) trust the people who knew him better and b) be able to spot whether he had substance or alcohol issues at first glance.

mumofbun · 03/08/2025 17:49

Do you know the full situation of this man or the café? If not you shouldn't be judging them

I once got in a lot of trouble for giving freebies to a person with learning difficulties as it turned out she could be very violent - anyone looking on after that would think I was being unkind.

If he's really wanted to he could've ordered food up to the value of the money given and saved some.

Internaut · 03/08/2025 17:48

No-one, including me, has any idea how and why this man has ended up where he is.

Not necessarily true, OP. The man giving the money may well know exactly how he has ended up where he is, hence his decision not to give him money direct.

You seem to be avoiding questions about whether you gave him any money yourself, given that you feel so strongly about this?

Internaut · 03/08/2025 17:41

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 15:18

There was probably about £7 change. The cafe worker could have just given him the cash so he had some autonomy. I’m not naive. He might have planned to buy drink or drugs. Or not? I try not to make assumptions about people. If I was the donor I would have wanted the man to have food, drink and then allowed to spend the rest as he saw fit.

But this donor clearly didn't, otherwise he would have given the money to the man direct. For all you know, he did give him money directly on other occasions. The simple fact is that he gave the money to the cafe for one purpose only, and they would have been 100% in the wrong if they had decided to use it for a different purpose.

Toptotoe · 03/08/2025 17:41

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 16:02

To the posters who keep repeating I’m naive..I’m really not. I grew up in East London and have seen a lot of homelessness, poverty etc.

I am not discounting the fact the money could have been used on drink or drugs. Most people on this thread are however 100% certain that it would have which is baffling to me. No-one, including me, has any idea how and why this man has ended up where he is.

If you are not naive ( I think you are) then you are incredibly obtuse. The money was given TO THE CAFE not to the homeless person. I repeat - they have been given the money . If the donor wanted homeless person to have money they would give to him - NOT TO THE CAFE.
What he decides to do with the money is not an issue as he doesn’t have it.
i hope you have the courage of your convictions and gave this greatly wronged ( in your opinion) homeless person the money they needed?

UpDo · 03/08/2025 17:40

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 03/08/2025 17:38

Surely the cafe could have put the change 'behind the till' for the homeless man to credit them to use for future purchases? I think it's wrong that they should pocket whatever wasn't sent - it could buy the homeless person a coffee or whatever in the future.

OP says that's what they did.

PixiePuffBall · 03/08/2025 17:40

YABU. He would've just spent it on drugs

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 03/08/2025 17:38

Surely the cafe could have put the change 'behind the till' for the homeless man to credit them to use for future purchases? I think it's wrong that they should pocket whatever wasn't sent - it could buy the homeless person a coffee or whatever in the future.

Lilaclinacre · 03/08/2025 17:29

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 15:56

Of course most are addicts, how else can they deal with their situation? That doesn’t mean we should strip them of dignity and autonomy.

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Its not dignified to enable addiction. Even the experts working in homeless charities will tell you not to give them money.

Snorlaxo · 03/08/2025 17:27

OP- Do you think that the man was unreasonable not to give the cash to the homeless man directly? I’m not sure why you think that the cafe should have gone against the donor’s wishes and risked the homeless man not getting any tab in future?
Did you offer to buy him some bits in Lidl?

nellly · 03/08/2025 17:24

The person giving the money clearly didn’t want him to have the acrual
money though

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2025 17:24

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 15:18

There was probably about £7 change. The cafe worker could have just given him the cash so he had some autonomy. I’m not naive. He might have planned to buy drink or drugs. Or not? I try not to make assumptions about people. If I was the donor I would have wanted the man to have food, drink and then allowed to spend the rest as he saw fit.

If you were the donor ...

You were free to give the man £20 or £7 if that's what the change came to. Did you?

Ariela · 03/08/2025 17:23

I now never give cash to 'homeless', whatever the story.
Started with the guy wanting 10p for a cup of tea, so when I brought him a tea rather than gave him cash he chucked it over me angrily.

Recently I was accosted by a lady who claimed to be living in a tent, the tent had broken and she needed ££ towards a new one. I said 'No problem, lets go to Millets round the corner and I'll buy you a new tent' Well as soon as I said that, the story changed as she claimed actually needed cash to rent a room for the night from the council. When I suggested I accompany her to the council to pay this, it transpired that apparently she needed the tenner (fare actually less than half that, and a bus at the time about £2) to get a train to the adjacent council as that's where the hostel was. When I said I'd go with her to the station and buy the ticket she accused me of being weird and stalking, and stomped off when I told her no cash I will only buy 'things', food, or contribute to charities.
Later I could see she was farming the shopping precinct and being controlled by another pasty faced chap who took some notes off her.

SilkCottonTree · 03/08/2025 17:21

OP: AIBU?
90% of the posters: YABU
OP: no I’m not, I know better despite not knowing background of situation etc etc

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2025 17:20

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2025 17:14

I tend to give gift cards so that people have a bit of autonomy and choice without actually feeding any drug or alcohol habits.

I do get the point that was being made by that charity CEO, but many charities that work with the homeless advise against giving cash for very good reasons. So gift cards are a compromise that I have landed on.

Show quote history

This seems like a good compromise particularly if it's a voucher for a supermarket where they can get a range of goods

Laura95167 · 03/08/2025 17:19

The person who gave the cafe the £20 could have given it to the homeless man and there is a reason he didnt.

They didnt pocket the cash they kept a tab for the following day. Seems reasonable to me

MiniPantherOwner · 03/08/2025 17:17

Dilemma654 · 03/08/2025 17:06

For years I'd been buying food/drink/items for homeless people.

I really had my thinking challenged by a CEO of a national poverty charity.

By buying things for homeless people, you are further removing what little autonomy or dignity they may have left.

And if a drug/alcohol fuelled buzz keeps them warm on the streets at night and dulls them to their daily hell, then it's understandable.

So I now give cash. I recognise this isn't a popular opinion, but I'm choosing to give people back a little humanity.

While I do understand where you're coming from I don't want my money being given to drug dealers and funding the criminal activity that goes with that. I don't think either approach is right or wrong, homelessness is such a complex problem to try to solve.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2025 17:14

Dilemma654 · 03/08/2025 17:06

For years I'd been buying food/drink/items for homeless people.

I really had my thinking challenged by a CEO of a national poverty charity.

By buying things for homeless people, you are further removing what little autonomy or dignity they may have left.

And if a drug/alcohol fuelled buzz keeps them warm on the streets at night and dulls them to their daily hell, then it's understandable.

So I now give cash. I recognise this isn't a popular opinion, but I'm choosing to give people back a little humanity.

I tend to give gift cards so that people have a bit of autonomy and choice without actually feeding any drug or alcohol habits.

I do get the point that was being made by that charity CEO, but many charities that work with the homeless advise against giving cash for very good reasons. So gift cards are a compromise that I have landed on.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2025 17:10

OP, you have no idea what the donor's instructions were. The fact that he gave the money to the cafe, and not directly to the homeless person, would suggest that he wanted it to be spent in the cafe only.

I've volunteered with homeless people, and the sad truth is that lots of them do have problems with drugs and alcohol. I can't say I blame them, as life on the streets is miserable, but there is nothing unreasonable about people wanting to help without feeding the habit. For all you know, the cafe may have been given strict instructions by the donor not to give the cash to the homeless man.

Dilemma654 · 03/08/2025 17:06

For years I'd been buying food/drink/items for homeless people.

I really had my thinking challenged by a CEO of a national poverty charity.

By buying things for homeless people, you are further removing what little autonomy or dignity they may have left.

And if a drug/alcohol fuelled buzz keeps them warm on the streets at night and dulls them to their daily hell, then it's understandable.

So I now give cash. I recognise this isn't a popular opinion, but I'm choosing to give people back a little humanity.

FortheloveofCheesus · 03/08/2025 17:06

Why is everyone assuming he planned to use the money on drugs? Quite the leap

The vast majority of rough sleepers in the UK have substance/alcohol abuse issues.

Catpuss66 · 03/08/2025 17:04

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 14:40

I wouldn’t normally advocate gate keeping on how people spend their money. I hate the argument that they will just spend it on drugs etc. It’s not up to me to judge how someone gets through their day, I either want to give money or I don’t but in this situation, I suppose if the donor has put a condition on it, and it sounds like it’s a regular thing, the cafe’s hands are tied.

On the other hand, someone has given £20 which I suppose might buy him two meals there. I assume the cafe is not doing it at cost, so they’ll be getting their cut of the £20. A Tesco meal deal would cost him less than £4, so he could eat 5 times v twice at the cafe? Or he could get one meal deal and a night in a shelter with a meal for £20. Or maybe he is out of toothpaste and needs some cash. People are too quick to jump to substance abuse, and don’t recognise that living on a budget is something homeless people are really good at. It’s just as likely he is calculating what the rest of that £20 could get him to enable him to live for the next few days.

Imagine eating a meal deal everyday. Maybe the person wanted them to have a cooked meal. We don’t know enough info to cast judgement. Kind of the donor to donate to them & the staff in the cafe for putting up with his outburst I am sure not for the first time.

latetothefisting · 03/08/2025 17:03

It doesn't matter what he might have wanted to buy with it, the first man gave the money to the cafe for a specific reason. If he'd wanted the "homeless" man (because a lot of people asking for money aren't homeless at all) to have it he would have given him £20 directly.

Perhaps the cafe worker was patronising, but equally perhaps she'd be arsey with anyone who kicked off and had to be escorted out on a regular basis - the fact that she said "you know this" suggests it's not the first time he's done this.

Behave like a dick, don't be surprised people will treat you like one. If you get something for free, kicking off (at minimum wage staff who are only doing their job) because you can't get more stuff for free is shitty behaviour regardless of your circumstances.

If he'd really wanted a deodorant or sandwich he could have asked if he could go and get one and then a staff member could meet him at the till and pay for it with the change - perhaps they would have said no but it would be more likely to have worked than kicking off. Or he could have asked the donating man (as clearly they had some conversation or he wouldn't have known to come straight in and ask for food) to get him those things instead.

You don't know the rules around people paying for others - she might be at risk of disciplinary or even losing her job if she deliberately gave person 2 person 1's change.

If you cared so much why didn't you give him money to buy whatever he wanted?

SilkCottonTree · 03/08/2025 16:59

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 16:02

To the posters who keep repeating I’m naive..I’m really not. I grew up in East London and have seen a lot of homelessness, poverty etc.

I am not discounting the fact the money could have been used on drink or drugs. Most people on this thread are however 100% certain that it would have which is baffling to me. No-one, including me, has any idea how and why this man has ended up where he is.

But the person who is giving the cafe £20 on a regular basis to feed the man a meal in all likelihood does know why the man has ended up how he has and with this background knowledge has on told the cafe not to give him cash.

The fact the cafe worker spoke to the man in a way that seems to indicate that he does often ask for the change in cash full well knowing what the arrangement is suggests that the donor does not want the recipient to spend the money in a way that the recipient chooses, which does suggests it would be spend on drugs or alcohol.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/08/2025 16:57

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 14:48

Why is everyone assuming he planned to use the money on drugs? Quite the leap. He may have wanted to go to Lidl and buy a few days worth of food rather than spend it on a single panini in a cafe? Or perhaps he needed a personal hygiene item. The tone adopted by the cafe staff member when she refused to give him the money was really patronising and I think that is what got my back up more than anything else.

It really isn't a big leap at all.