To think the cafe staff should have given the money to this homeless man?

The tone adopted by the cafe staff member when she refused to give him the money was really patronising and I think that is what got my back up more than anything else.

They probably deal with him several times a week you were there for a minute. Give him your money if you're sure he's off to do a food shop.

A local shop has a woman who regularly begs outside the doors. She will tell people things she wants like washing powder if they ask for items rather than money. She will then go back into the shop to try and return said items and take the cash.

They are now wise to this. And also know that she has a flat and gets dropped off to "beg" every morning. So they have started telling customers not to buy her anything.

They sometimes get people like OP getting uppity with them and calling them names. The staff are mostly either retired people who want to keep busy or young students, all on minimum wage and who are also threatened by shoplifters on occasion too

Get over yourself OP

The cafe staff did completely the right thing, were completely fair (it’s not like the cafe pocketed the change), and it’s a shame they have to be on the receiving end of abuse and aggression. I’d decline any more meals paid on in these circumstances.

What did he buy with the money you gave him OP?

I agree with the cafe. The money was given to the cafe to provide the man with £20 worth of food. If he couldn’t eat that much in one day he could go back the following day and have some more food.

You get toiletries and pants, etc at homeless shelters.

Most times homeless is a polite word for junkie and drunk.

That makes no difference to how respectful you need to be, but you do have the right to refuse to pay a dealer.

Any charity, organisation or person who works with the homeless will tell you not to give homeless people money directly. If someone is homeless, their best chance of getting out of that situation is by engaging with local services and charities. Regardless of whether they are addicted to something or not. Charities can provide essentials and practical support and shelters can provide beds, but homeless people often have nowhere to go for most of the day. So this man paying for the homeless man to go in the cafe and have lunch means that he has a meal, shelter from the weather for an hour or two, somewhere to charge his phone, connect to wifi and have people who are seeing him regularly. If you want to give someone money on the unlikely chance it will be spent wisely and not on drugs/alcohol, you do that and have the what-ifs on your conscience. But you can’t criticise others trying to look out for a homeless person in a more realistic and practical way.

Did you consider that you could have given him the £7 if you felt so strongly?

The original donor gave it to the cafe for a specific purpose. How did the homeless man even know there were left-over funds? He would have been better to have quietly eaten his fill without disturbing fellow diners and certainly without being abusive to the staff. As the member of staff reminded him, “the money is only to be used for food here. You know this. If you want to use any of the change you can order something else tomorrow”. He was not going to lose out.

It was the donors money to do with as he wished. And he wished for the homeless man to have food and drink from that cafe. Very kind of him, and probably someone he knows, and the cafe staff know the situation, and what he was most likely to spend it on. The donor DID NOT want to contribute to drink and/or drugs and wanted to be certain of that. This is why it’s literally advised not to give homeless people money directly. Sure, there are some who won’t spend it on drink/drugs, but unfortunately the majority will.

OP how much did you give him? You still haven't said...

I wasn't 'his' change. The money wasn't the gift to him. The meal was. The change belongs to the man who paid the £20 and he wants it kept on tab so the homeless man can eat another day, not stick it up his veins or whatever.

If the person who bought in the £20 wanted him to be able to use it anywhere he would have given it directly to the homeless man , they were quite correct and presumably he could come in and have the change in drinks / food at another time .

Interesting because most homeless charities actively discourage giving money...

BoredZelda

I auppose the bottom line is that people will support in one of a variety of ways and will chose what feels right akd comfortable to them.

And that is their right to do so - it's their money.

Some will give money in the assumption it will buy a few days of essentials from Lidl but not caring too much.

Some will want to provide a meal.

Some will want to give cash.

It sounds like I'm contradicting what I've just said about humanity and individuality but the dynamic is never going to feel fair and equal because it is inherently unequal when one person needs and another person gives.

But, ultimately, everyone will have their own boundaries, reasons and motivations and I think those can be very personal decisions.

As long as people are offering help and support, I don't think the exact nature of it should be criticised too harshly.

But the cafe clearly has some history with him, which you don't. You can't just step into a situation a judge it based on the 30 second interaction you saw. If you feel he needed autonomy in his spending based on what you saw, maybe you should have given him some money?

Even homeless charities say you shouldn't give homeless people cash.

If the guy who gave the money wanted the homeless man to have it direct he would have just given it to him. The cafe did nothing wrong here.

The issue with just buying stuff for homeless people is that it becomes about the person giving and not the person receiving.

Eg it feels good to buy a bacon sandwich and a coffee for someone but it feels less good to receive it if you don't like coffee and are a gluten intolerant vegetarian. Who is the purchase for the benefit of?

It's not that buying food is inherently denying someone their autonomy. The problem is that some people take the attitude that they're homeless and so should be grateful for what they're given.

"Excuse me... Hi, I'm just popping into Tesco. Can I get you anything while I'm in there?"

"Oh thanks, I'd love a chicken sandwich and a coke?"

"i dont know what they've got. Is chicken and stuffing and a diet coke? Ok?"

"Yeah, thanks. Although chicken and bacon if they have it and a full fat coke would he better!"

"No worries. I'll see what I can do 🙂"

This is a human interaction and exchange. Just doubling up on your own order in Costa and handing it to someone on the way out is the opposite.

OP, when you hand over £20 to the cafe, you can ask them to give him the change. Until then, wind your neck in!

It isn’t a huge leap to imagine that someone living on the streets would use money to help fade away into oblivion by taking drugs. We can talk about the removal of choice all we want, but ultimately a large percentage of homeless people abuse substances because it helps them forget where they are & blank out the endless monotony of their circumstance.

There are multiple charities who beg people not to hand over cash but to do exactly what this generous person has done (or donate directly to them, of course). There’s a hard & fast reason why they ask this - we don’t know the back stories & have no place to judge but drug use is extremely common amongst those who have lost all hope.

OP - if it bothers you this much & it does sound like an upsetting scene to have witnessed, charities are crying out for volunteers 🫶🏻

Whilst I utterly agree with you, if (and it is not unlikely) they spend it on drugs then this is fuelling criminal activity, county lines, gangs and child exploitation among other things, so I never give money. It’s a very difficult moral choice.

Why don’t you give him £20 to go and buy food and toiletries at Lidl then. Then come back and tell us what he’s spent the money on.

YABU.

It doesn't matter what else the homeless man wanted to spend the money on, as the man who donated the £20 clearly only wanted it to be spent on food/drink from the cafe, otherwise he would have given the money to the homeless person directly. The cafe is therefore correct in honouring his wishes.

I say this as someone who far prefers to give homeless people cash without strings. But not all people feel the same as me, and their wishes are just as valid when they are donating their own hard-earned cash.

That is what they did. And it seems it was ringfenced just for him, and not anyone homeless or vulnerable going in and asking if there are any drinks or food going for free.

It sounds like an arrangement between the donor, the homeless man and the cafe. But if he keeps kicking off then at some point he will be banned.