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Original poster

Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

59 replies

Allromanticsmeetthesamefate · 03/08/2025 14:06

Family of 5, 3 teen DD’s, one off to uni September, PT job but will generally doing any chores that are asked of her.

Other two DD’s are how shall we put it, lazy as shite!

Youngest is 14 is Autistic, has sensory issues so anything involving dishes, cloths, food is a no go. She home schools so spends the most amount of time at home and the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot, everything has conditions, mostly time, I’ll do in a minute, soon, I’ll get up at half past etc etc. she is pretty gross in terms of dishes, wrappers, mug concoctions, worn socks, everything will be left or stuffed down the side of the sofa where she is sitting.

DD16 really should be in the midst of trying to find a pt job as she is in the middle of 10 weeks of school due to exams ending early. She will do the bare minimum and never off her own back, doesn’t do her dishes, lift clothes from bathroom floor, run a hoover round for us coming home from school.

It’s worth saying that both girls have a very premium hobby that does take up a lot of time and work and they put a lot into it, but it’s worth saying it also costs a lot of money and is an absolute privilege.

They are also treated regularly, theatre trips, shopping days, sleepovers where we will open our house to lots of teenagers and run them about, concerts the list of endless.

I do not grudge it, I love that we can give them a lovely life but DH and I work hard to achieve it with me taking on extra hours recently to create a bit more income but we are becoming more and more resentful to lack of respect they show towards us and effort they put in to help us around the house and it’s creating an atmosphere, particularly as DH is losing his shit daily at us working hard and coming back to half bowls of soggy cereal on sofa, dogs not fed, sinks full of dishes and teenagers still loafing around the house is PJ’s.

What are the expectations for everyone’s teenagers? How much are they doing, should DD 16 be working across the hols, should I be penalising privileges, phones, tv remotes etc or are all teenage girls like this and we are expecting too much.

What does fair family life and chores look like in your house?

OP posts:
TheTreeByTheRoad · 03/08/2025 14:27

So I'm guessing the hobby is horses?

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 14:27

The phones are not the issue. Teenagers have been too busy to do chores long before phones were a thing.

SeaToSki · 03/08/2025 14:25

And with the eating thing, mine can eat what they want (within reason) when they want. But have to keep it to the standard items I have for kids snacking (so they cant just demolish all the ham and cheese or the nice bread). Once they have cooked a couple of dinners for the family themselves, and know about the work that goes into it, you might find them being more thoughtful about snacking before dinner themselves. I also insist on them all sitting down for dinner with everyone that is home,even if they dont want to eat

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 14:25

Your problem has been letting them get to this age and not instilling a sense of responsibility in to them. To hope they magically hit teen and become different children is foolish. You have enabled them, you have to take responsibility for that.

Sit them down, tell them circumstances have changed and you need their help. Draw up a list of who is to do what and make sure they understand the “premium hobby” (just say what it is FFS!) is dependent on them doing their chores.

When you say they put a lot into the hobby, what does that involve?

Original poster
Allromanticsmeetthesamefate · 03/08/2025 14:23

Premium hobby is not as easy as stopping, it’s a lifestyle and comes with a lot of commitments that say stopping music lessons or giving up dance include.

It also keeps them very active and outside so although pricey wouldn’t want to restrict that though do realise something has to change in other areas of their lives.

I wonder if parents still remove phones/screens limit use, I feel like this is where the issue lies as they are just constantly on them.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 03/08/2025 14:21

Mine all had set jobs and if they didnt do them, then their privileges were cut. Not in any big dramatic way but just the next time they asked for something I refused as they werent pulling their weight in the house.

the only thing is to make sure the expectations for a job are very clear, so they cant skimp on it and call it done

we established the jobs list and the details of each job together as a family, then the 4 kids split up the jobs between each other on a weekly basis (owners of each job for the week were written on the fridge, so no backtracking) It taught them to plan ahead in terms of stuff they wanted to do or jobs etc and making that work with their chores.

the types of things that they were doing by 14 yrs were
clearing up the kitchen after dinner every night, loading dishwasher and running it
unloading dishwasher in the morning
own laundry
bins
cooking dinner 2 nights a week (and writing a shopping list in time for the online order)
putting the groceries delivery away
helping in the garden on an ad hoc basis
picking up their bedroom and bathroom before the cleaner came

user65342 · 03/08/2025 14:20

I think eating to a different routine in the school holidays is normal. However, all of them should be cleaning up their own mess as a minimum, putting clothes in the washing basket, etc and both of my DC have had part time jobs from 14 which funded at least some of the things they wanted.

AffIt · 03/08/2025 14:17

I'd be withdrawing the 'premium hobby' for a start.

I can't believe you're spending so much money on these ungrateful little madams that you're having to find an additional source of income.

They're spoilt and you and their father are enabling them.

Original poster
Allromanticsmeetthesamefate · 03/08/2025 14:11

Also do family’s accept teenagers just eat whatever you like and whatever time? DD14 has no routine to her diet, she says she down to ike breakfast but will quite happily eat a chocolate biscuit if it’s available, she will then go straight on to more main meal type things at mid day or stretch to much later, declare she is hungry as has not eaten all day and eat 4 rounds of toast at 5pm and then turn up her nose at dinner. I’m not sure how we have got to this point. We were in such a set routine when they were younger, 3 meals, minimum snacks, not a lot of processed sugar in the house, proud that they all drank so much water but they seems to have evolved into sugar obsessed sloths and the battle of daily arguing to do anything about it has worn us all down.

OP posts: