Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

DM had has a system for me and DB. Every morning before school I had to Hoover the entrance hall - took 3 or 4 mins. DB had to wipe out 2 wash hand basins. That started when I was 12.

Stop giving them money, stop the premium hobbies, tell them to get jobs and if they don't start pulling their weight, they'll be out of the house when they turn 18.

Some children really do have natural motivation and get up and go

Others need it trained into them and some with an element of carrot and stick

If the carrot that is the most effective is screen time/outings/nice things/ premium hobbies then its your job as a parent, no matter how inconvenient it might be for you as a family, to remove those things until and unless their ability to balance their focus across various other responsibilities in their lives, is much improved.

Until then you cant expect to have all these things and not take responsibility for the slightly more boring and mundane stuff, because guess what - grown ups have to learn how to tolerate and get on with boring mundane stuff. Life isnt full of horse riding and theatre trips.

Stop working so many hours both of you and relax more at home instead. Put your feet up whilst the three girls whizz around with the hoover and mop. Don't knock your pan in for your DC.

We learnt the hard way. It's not worth it. They need to learn to pull their weight.

My eldest 18 has to help with shopping trips, run errands on request, we have a whiteboard rota in the hallway for duties like recycling and dog walking. They can all negotiate with each other if they need to swap days depending on their schedules. Others are 15, 9 and 7. No one should feel like an island. Everyone must work together.

Your DD16 sounds like my youngest (who is also ND but a bit older). I eventually realized that with them the key was always to put in an element of choice into requests for chores. Eg - do you want to do the Hoovering of fold the laundry? Also very important was not to insist on it being done straight away.

I never managed to get my DCs to do as much quite as I would have liked but I'm pleased to say that both DCs are very good at cleaning. They both worked as lifeguards and were expected to clean out loos, clean windows, mop floors etc. This job plus the rota system they use in the leisure centre for managing the cleaning meant that in shared student flats, they were both on charge of the cleaning rota and in both cases they lived in sparklingly clean places, where everyone chipped in but nobody had to do much.

I have to say though, due to being ND, my younger DC seems less emotionally mature so everything is a bit harder with them. I am currently helping them make arrangements for studying abroad for a term. I've had to get much more involved than I did with my older DC did they did a similar thing at the same age.

One pre teen one teen here both do dishwasher, keep their rooms (relatively) tidy and take plates/ cups to kitchen after use. The teen will also do a wash ( of her clothes) now and again and they will both cook on request ( obviously basic stuff for the tween). Requests to help with other stuff ( taking stuff upstairs/ putting things away, hoovering) and generally met with resistance/ eye rolls/ big sighs or whines... We also have strops and the occasional tantrum.

Screen time is a privilege - not a right. You get it when you've done all your other jobs, and only up to a certain time (and/or limit in hours).

We have 3 between 13 and 15, 1 autistic, 1 adhd and one with tendencies. There's a rota of chores, that they agreed and even signed haha! If they are not completed (and we only expect to remind them once, if at all as it's pretty long established) there's an impact on their allowance - This is in theory, we haven't had to implement this yet!

15 year old has no restrictions on phone but does moderate their use well, the other 2 do have restrictions as to time and time spent, the middle child is close to having restrictions lifted as they are moderating well most of the time, the youngest still needs help keeping usage in check.

One has sensory issues so hates the dishes, but they are welcome to, and do, swap chores amongst themselves. We have stepped in where there's been some blatant unfairness in the early days. They are responsible on 2 set evenings for evening dishes, laundering their bedding/towels and P.E kits, plus all evening pet care. Any jobs not completed to a reasonable standard will need repeating. They have Sundays off.

There are set mealtimes, even if they're making their own, ie lunch between 12-2 or you've missed it, so it's a snack until next meal. This is just to keep everyone on a loosely similar schedule, and prevent all day grazing from our 1 veggie-dodging picky eater. We're always happy to provide seconds at meal times or supper where a meal has been missed and hunger is claimed.

Before bed they are expected to skim the rooms they've been in through the day and remove any dishes/rubbish/chaos they've created. No food upstairs, only water bottles, room bins emptied every Saturday along with tidying, dusting and vacuuming rooms. They don't complain, and there's plenty of room for understanding and assistance if they are ill, have one off plans, (or broken fingers!) that make it tricky for them to complete their set evenings.

Screen limits are up for discussion with very good reason, but often result in an extra hour today = 1 hour less tomorrow.

It sounds pretty rigid written done, but feels much more harmonious day to day, and more like clear guidelines!

Guessing the premium hobby is something like riding and you can't just stop owning a horse. What happens when you get cross with them?
It's a chore but is it worth sitting with the messy one for 30 minutes in their room each evening and guiding them in terms of clearing up?

No, not expecting too much.
my teens are ok at doing chores but they hardly do them off their own back. I prompt, nag and yell til they’re done.
They do their own laundry which they’re good at when they realise they have no more clean socks or underwear.
eating wise, they get up late, make their own break fast and snack or eat during the day but they know we eat dinner every evening and are expected to eat together if they’re in.

When my teenage niece won’t do what is asked, my brother turns off the wifi from his phone. He says he hears the shrieks of outrage upstairs and my niece will come thundering down at which point he says get on with the washing up of whatever.

it doesn’t sound like your two girls have any respect or appreciation of you? I don’t believe in all this nonsense about teenagers naturally being lazy and selfish and moody. I’m one of four and we were not like that because our mum didn’t let us be. Or maybe she just got very lucky!

I would not tolerate stuff like socks being left all over. I summon mine mid activity to clear up if they left a mess. If they protest bye bye screens. Oldest is only 11 but I’d not tolerate it to spread their mess in communal areas for anyone whose lifestyle I bankroll. If they don’t like it they can move out once old enough. Just make it clear what you expect and what will happen if they don’t comply.

Our teens are a bit lazy
”friends coming over later”
“not with the front room like that they’re not”
”they’re teenagers mum they don’t care”
”but I do”
………
”it’s not a negotiation tidy the room or cancel friends”

socks, cups, wrappers come out, room gets hoovered - do the stairs whilst you at it

basically if they want something they have to do something for it

You are definitely not expecting too much.

At some point they are going to have to get jobs and earn money. Moreover, there are not going to be as many workplace adjustments in place for the younger DD that she might be used to, so it might be time to start easing her out of her comfort zone as much as her disabilities allow. If she can scroll her phone and do 'premium hobbies', then she can learn how to clean up after herself.

Teens do not understand how much money life costs. Nor are they (in general) grateful.

don’t stop the hobby. Consider cutting back on day trips etc because honestly most teens don’t care about that stuff and working extra hours for them is insane.

if you are getting resentful then drop the stuff they don’t care about.

at a similar age I got mine doing their own laundry (basket, Ikea bag and airer each) and also started teaching them to cook so they could cook a meal each at the weekend. (This is initially more time consuming not less).

most teens go through an unhealthy food stage. Don’t buy it yourselves from the family budget and then at least they are funding it themselves and aware of how much it costs. It won’t stop them - mine got good at finding Tesco deals on eg broken biscuits - but it does mean they are paying out of pocket money.

I think hobbies and activities are essential, so I would absolutely keep that.
It's better they spend their time doing something useful for a start!

the most amount of time scrolling on her phone and not doing a lot,
that's easy, the phone goes!

should DD 16 be working across the hols
they both should. and cutting back extensively on screens

Can't - at least the 16- be more involved in her hobby? many teenagers at a great levels can start helping out with younger kids classes for example.

Can't they both do a bit of work around the hobby?

And I can and do turn off the wifi to get their attention. It works a treat. You will also want to make sure that they have phone plans that dont include unlimited data though. Clearly these limited ones are the cheaper phone plans which are the appropriate ones for kids that arent pulling their weight at home!!

Sailing?

I do enforce the regular eating times because we try really hard to prioritise having dinner at the table as a family still. But mine is a teenage boy a.k.a. a bottomless pit who can eat both between meals and then again at mealtimes... he does get bollocked if he eats right before dinner.

The rest just sounds like the natural state of a teenager, by which I mean, I think lots of teens default to this behaviour if you don't enforce something else.

It's a bit of a tightrope between needing to still have a good relationship with them, so not sweating the small stuff too much, but also remembering that it's our job to send them into the world knowing what a decent standard of living and how to actually do all that themselves. Plus, pitching in to do their bit so they know what that means and why they need to do it is important.

Start with a pep talk and explain what they'll not be getting if they don't do xyz on a regular basis, then follow through. Expect all out fall out until they settle into it.

They sound like normal teens, not particularly spoilt I wouldn't say, it's maybe just gradually slipped to a place you're not happy with whilst you were busy getting on with work etc.

If you want a higher standard that you and your H feel happy with then you just need to make the expectations clear and follow through until they get in line. It's in everyone's best interests really, they just won't see it that way.

I think it’s hard to get a summer job these days unless you work in a tourist area.

What is the 'premium hobby' OP,. I'm genuinely intrigued. Sounds like horses...

With the eating I would compromise that they eat dinner but can be more flexible about breakfast and lunch. And a list of tasks that need to be completed.