Are our teens not doing enough or are we expecting too much?

Quite simple. If they want dinner they have to wash the pots. No snacks before dinner or you don't cook them anything. Stop pandering to them and they will soon realise how good they have it. Yes I'm the mum of teenage boys and I too have found things in strange places!! My sons do the washing up, cooking, load the washing machine and run the hoover. Its called working together as a family. Keep spoiling them they will keep on taking. Yes they get up when they like in the holidays but still get their jobs done

It goes far enough and she can always earn more by doing extra jobs - she earnt an extra 20 this month by doing some maths and literacy work with her little brother to help prepare him for school, and she can earn more by babysitting.

That won’t go far these days! I think you need to double that amount!

I think clear and simple expectations and boundaries are reasonable.
eg If you make food - you clear up after yourself

We do not allow food upstairs at all. Can eat in the lounge but must take plate etc back to kitchen and ( ideally) put in dishwasher.

I used to have a specific shelf of food that was fair game for snacks - plus fruit/ crisps. Rubbish to go in the bin. Eat what you like when you like within reason but still expected to help with ( & eat) evening meal.

Yours are all old enough to bring their laundry down ( and probably put a wash on). It is interesting to see how running out of clean underwear focusses the mind….

The time for discussion is not in the heat of the moment - better at the end of a meal and some calm explanation of what you as parents need. Maybe hand them the issue to resolve? But the answer can’t be that you do it all.
Maybe ask them what they agree the sanctions for non compliance will be?

Good luck - it is a minefield- but you are right to want to raise the bar.

We also have horses. The one that does the horses doesn't have to do chores in the house as we keep our horses at home and its bloody hard work, much harder than loading a dishwasher. Our actual house is messy but the stables are immaculate 😆

My 9 year old has a time consuming hobby. She and DS(7) who is slowly ramping up in the same hobby. Are responsible for clearing the table, emptying and filling the dishwasher and are expected to keep their rooms tidy. DD is also expected to put her clean laundry away (I only do it for DS because he can't quite reach everything properly). They also do a 10 minute tidy right before bedtime to make sure the play room/living room/garden is free from anything they have played with or abandoned around the house. I think as teenagers they'll be expected to do more!

I agree with you. But also, because I could see my parents worked hard and loved us, I helped out without being asked. Eg I remember my parents rushing out to a party and leaving all the clearing up from dinner. My mum didn’t ask us to but my brother and I cleared up so they didn’t have to deal with the mess when they got home. Same for automatically hanging out the washing if the cycle finished and my parents weren’t home.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour OP

Growing up, my siblings and I had to do daily chores until 12 noon so that's the hoovering, sweeping floors, dishes, help with meal prepping, laundry, clean the bathrooms. This was all on our days off and during the holidays.

After that we were free to go out, or do whatever we wanted to do - watch TV etc. yet we still had to clean up after ourselves throughout the day.

It might be cultural; we never paid for anything as long as we lived with our parents but we had to cook taking it in turns and do chores, even any DIY jobs such as painting the house, gardening etc.

I currently have a two year old who loves to 'help clean' and before bed she is learning to tidy her playroom and put all the toys in the rest of the house away, I am trying to get the one year old involved too.

We all eat the same meals, if they don't eat it then they can have milk, yoghurt or some toast before bed because I don't want them to sleep hungry.

Edit: Try and see what works with your children to get them to do more, never be harsh x

I would not put up with that from teenager. She is 14 and she sweeps the floors of the main living areas (kitchen, lounge, hallway) every day, empties the dishwasher every day. She does the dishes 4 evenings a week during term time (during the summer she's been doing every weekday). She takes the bin out whenever she's asked to and puts the washing machine on when she comes home from school. She gets 20 euros a month pocket money for this and if she doesn't do her jobs she loses her pocket money - this incentive works very well!

Dh and I did loads for our dcs. They also had expensive hobbies. They helped a bit around the house. I was very easy going as a mum, nothing like some of the posts here. I couldn't have given a monkeys what their rooms were like as long as they brought plates and cups down. If they wanted to live in a mess then they could, I didn't care if it was in their own rooms. They all grew up to be lovely self sufficient, organised young adults with good jobs. They are and always have been good company.

I think that people do not appreciate what teenage girls with ASC are like. They're not just being spoilt or lazy.

Can you draw up a list of daily jobs that must be done or there will be a consequence? You dont have to go nuclear re the hobby but something like lifts or sleepovers etc cant happen if they can't walk dog and keep house tidy. But make it very clear what you mean by keeping house tidy etc . What the expectations are etc

For DD2 and DD3, I suggest that you tidy a given room to the required standard once yourself, then take a photo of it and give the photo to them. The task is then "when I get home at X O'Clock this room must look like this" and you can also offer some prompts for things that this might include, like picking up from the floor/sofa, hoovering etc.
That is a lot more clear as a way of communicating exact expectations and allows a certain amount of autonomy in how/when they achieve it - but cuts out any "I tidied this morning but then it got messy again" nonsense.

When I am reading similar threads what surprises me the most is that OP usually think they have absolutely no way of putting pressure on their children to do anything. At the same time children do not work, so they don't have they own money, have expensive hobbies that usually require somebody driving them to attend and have plenty of electronic equipment.

I never thought of my own parents as very strict, but my allowance would have been cut and my extracurriculars would have not been paid (or I wouldn't have been driven to them) had I behaved in similar way.

I wouldn't be surprised if they think they are really responsible and pulling their weight doing thankless tasks... because they do so at the yard. Maybe they've compartmentalised their home lives and their riding lives, and forget that just because they've mucked a load of s**t out of stable doesn't mean they have pulled their weight at home.

I think turning off the WiFi is a good consequence and will actually maybe help keep them accountable to each other as well.

Your dd 14 if capable of living independently will need to find strategies to manage her sensory issues so she can still maintain her home. Eg noise cancelling headphones when hoovering, using a particular fabric for cloths (possibly cut up squares of old clothing she's finished with and felt comfortable wearing), one of the scrubbers that means you don't have to put your hands all the way into the sink - there will probably be a bit of trial and error but it would be good to explore with her now what actually works for her before she's older. Alternatively she takes the lead on tasks that don't cause her discomfort like feeding the dogs or generally straightening things up/folding laundry etc since tasks can be split between you all.

I think you need to lay out clear expectations- x task, completed in x way, by x deadline or WiFi goes down.

I don't think you're expecting too much.

15 year old and 18 year old here....
You have very low expectations currently imho.
Ours have to clean up after themselves, contribute to the household by cooking and washing etc and also have set 'jobs' (recycling, cutting grass, walking dog etc). Both work too (15 year old only pet sitting so far as no jobs around here for under 16's). There have been moments where we have had to lay down the law a bit. But both DH and I work full time hours in demanding jobs. I am buggered if I'm coming home after a full day at work to dirty dishes and a pent up dog..... I'm not their house maid and they have to learn to live in a functioning household.

There are plenty of jobs for 16 year olds (and younger) if they actually WANT to work. People who don't want to work will always find excuses not to get a job.

With the horses do they treat them well, do the horsey jobs to a good standard? If yes then it’s possible for chores too. It’s just and issue of perspective and level of importance in their minds maybe?
With the meals id really encourage some independence in learning to make meals and contributing to family meals in making them. Especially for your autistic DD. It’s a great skill for the future. My autistic dc would forget to eat but that just causes issues. So it’s better to have eating windows. Good luck. Teens are tricky.

My DD is 22 now but at 15 had a part time job in a cafe and was then expected to pay towards livery costs, fees, farrier etc for her pony as well as to help out with basic jobs in the house, she has always had a very good work ethic but it was a battle getting her to help at home as she was always tired from school/work/yard. When she was 16 she worked pretty much full time all summer and then all through college to save for uni.
Eventually the pony did fall by the wayside as she just could not manage to keep everything going so I loaned him out and just kept my horse. It's a tough age and one where teens do need to start to understand a little bit of real life pressure and the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made.
She's just graduated and moved home, once she's in a proper job (PGCE first) she wants to get a horse again which is absolutely her choice as she will be paying for it, in the meantime she helps with mine.

They sound spoilt and tbh you are not really preparing them for adulthood by pandering

I’d stop them competing as it has no impact on horse welfare, withdraw WiFi or withdraw finance for other stuff (outings,phone etc) for their non compliance in clearly set expectations.

If they can get themselves organised enough to deal with the horses then they can get themselves organised to deal with a limited number of household tasks most of which can be completed in minutes rather than hours.

Use this as an explanation of exactly why they will be expected to complete their allocated chores and to show more reasonable behaviour around the house, eg general tidiness of personal belongings . Remind them that the care and wellbeing of the horses in obviously non negotiable, but your involvement in getting them to events is very much up for negotiation.

Its time to put your foot down.

The very least they can do is not make a mess, and tidy up after themselves. That's basic respect.

Fair enough you prioritise their hobby, I do, but they shouldn't give you more work.

My 14 year old hangs out washing, empties and fills the dishwasher, changes his own bed, puts washing on, hoovers. Has to be asked to do it and it often invokes eye rolls, but he does it?!

Well you're expecting too much in that you've let them get to this age and are now expecting them to behave in a way that you obviously haven't taught.

Sit them down and tell them what's expected. Next time it's not done just be firm and say until you're room or whatever is done then no friends round etc.

Mine know that at a minimum their rooms should be tidy, no dishes, dirty washing etc and if I'm out at work during holidays then by the time I get home dishes should be done and the hoover ran round.

We have a nearly 10 year old who helps to set and clear the table, puts all their toys / books / switch etc away once done with with it, always puts clothes in the washing basket and will put their own clean clothes away (the last one takes a bit of prompting)
They’ve started to make their own lunch etc which is great as they feel they have some autonomy

We’ve tried to set the expectation that we as a family are a team and everyone has to pull their weight (whatever that is) to make it work. We’ve had words a few times when the lip has come out that hobbies and treats are things we’re happy to pay for, but if they continue to be badly behaved or be an arse, I’ll rethink, and I’ve meant it