Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter found hubby was discussing me with other women and blatantly lying about me and flirting with them

109 replies

Gnomeymum · 03/08/2025 09:43

So my 11 yr daughter saw messages her dad was sending other women claiming he's virtually a single dad that his business is failing because of his devotion to our daughter etc these women were replying basically telling him how great he is and how I should appreciate him more and how lucky I am. Over time this became them saying they would treat him better etc and ultimately him telling one of them that I would be away taking our daughter to a kids family camp and she could come and stay! Our 11 yr old was very upset and replied to several of these women saying far from what they were being told her dad has had very little to do with parenting her, is workaholic and blames that for why even if I am ill he can't help. She told them about eachother and that we are married and together as despite his mental health difficulties and previous issues I am committed to our relationship and we are a family.
I'm not saying our child was right to have read his stuff. He had let her use his phone and notifications came and she looked.
I knew nothing until I was away camping with her ( he never takes time off to holiday with us.) he rang in the middle of the night shouting and balling about what she had done and saying he loves me but she can't come home and he doesn't love her or want her back as she's dangerous and a bitch blah blah. This was the first I knew. Half the camp heard as we were literally in a tent and he was yelling.
At one point he screamed that I should sort MY daughter out. I asked him how and he said he was having to deal with these upset women and they were going to get our daughter arrested for abuse. I said send me their number and I will call them to explain she's just 11. He sent one woman's number before changing his mind.
I eventually calmed him down and said I would talk to her and our daughter.
Next morning I asked our daughter for her side and rang the woman who frankly came across as totally vulnerable. She denied threatening to have our child arrested and said he had told her we were divorcing and I leave him with our child 24/7 so he can't work. She went on to explain that he keeps saying he cares about her. She went on to explain she has PTSD pmdd bpd depression anxiety bipolar and is addicted to pain medications. They had met when she was homeless after her kids were taken into care and he gets in touch whenever he's down.
I asked her if this helps her and she became upset and started saying she hadn't meant me or our child any harm and I'm not how he had told her. I actually felt bad for her and angry at how he is treating her too.
Our daughter explained her side to me and I spoke by phone with him and a few days later we went home. He was calm however our child has apologised for snooping in his phone but he still won't show me or explain anything saying he has the right to contact who he wants and that he has never met up or physically cheated since we got married therefore it's none of my business. I have really tried not to react knee jerk or go mad at him, the woman I do have contact with or even our daughter. I am bursting now with upset. I don't think it is fair how he talked about our daughter, fair to ruin our break away and he is taking no responsibility at all. He's done nothing wrong it's just talk. He's angry with me and wants me to punish our daughter in some way.
He keeps threatening to throw me or her out and I am financially dependent since I gave up my work to look after our daughter and help in his family business ( for no pay) opposite to what he tells these women I can't work or get training without him creating crisis letting me down on childcare or saying I'm needed in the family business instead.
I really don't think I don't do my bit.
He became ill with depression a few years ago and blamed his lack of libido on me saying I was fat and repulsive. I had gained weight after two miscarriages and perimenopause. I listened and did my bit losing over 3 stone! His gp told him loss of libido is part of depression and said to me he presents as autistic and that he just doesn't understand some things and I need to explain clearly and that I am doing a great job supporting him. He had said in front of his GP his libido was affected by me being fat and repulsive. His GP was really shocked and told him this was an indication of him being unwell as I'm not. ( At this point I was 9 stone size 10) I try to understand he is feeling bad but putting it all on me or a child really doesn't feel fair even if he is ill. This with these women has really messed with my feelings of trust and he is so angry and tells that I don't trust him and why should he trust me then or love me etc and no wonder he doesn't want sex with me if I don't trust him.. but even that's not true we have been intimate since he started antidepressants. I even slept with him since camp because he said he felt unloved by me. After he said he felt more loved but then still has not come clean about these women. He's now furious I spoke with V the woman whose number he gave me and says that's coercive controlling by me
Am I being unfair asking him to stop these relationships and saying untrue stuff about us to these women and be honest with me? He says that's coercive controlling of me. I'm so distressed by the whole thing.
I would hate to abuse anyone and I feel so mixed up and emotionally exhausted.

OP posts:
Autumnflowers2 · 03/08/2025 11:33

What a long post
When really all you needed to put was
I'm divorcing my husband, because he's abusive to my daughter and cheating on me .

freerangethighs · 03/08/2025 11:32

Your daughter asked the women to stop contacting her (married) dad and corrected the false information he'd given them. There's no abuse on her part. They're angry at HIM (rightly so), not at his 11 year old daughter.

He GAVE her the phone, she saw the messages. If she HADN'T he'd still be lying to these poor women and using a child to slander his wife. She did the right thing to her in what must have been a very painful and confusing situation for a child and everyone is better off because she did. And he should be thanking YOU too, for taking the time and trouble to clean up his mess.

He says that's coercive controlling of me. Asking your spouse to stop spreading lies about you and your daughter, to stop shouting and making threats, and to stop inviting strangers to stay in your house is NOT coercive control. It sounds like HE may be coercively controlling YOU. In addition to his manipulating you into sex and humiliating you about your weight, He keeps threatening to throw me or her out and I am financially dependent since I gave up my work to look after our daughter and help in his family business ( for no pay). You do all the work of caring for your shared daughter and household so he is completely free to work outside the home and you even do some of THAT work, but he withholds money and uses threats of making you and your daughter homeless in order to control you. DARVO - denying any criticism and then accusing your victim of exactly what you are doing to her - is a common tactic for emotional abusers. Pay attention to what he says about you because he'll be accurately describing himself.

I'm sorry this is happening, but please stop believing anything he tells you. And if you're in the UK please get in touch with Women's Aid as soon as you're safely able!

ELS20 · 03/08/2025 11:32

I do not know where to start. I was in an abusive relationship for five years so I speak from experience.

If my husband spoke to/about our child like that I would leave him immediately. It’s unforgivable. I can’t believe you think it’s your daughter who needs to apologise, she’s done nothing wrong and she was sticking up for her Mum. she’s probably confused as to why she has to apologise after the vile things he said about her!

If my husband blamed lack of libido of my being fat or repulsive I would leave him, how utterly disgusting, disrespectful and hurtful. And if he thinks that’s an acceptable way to speak about women do you want your daughter growing up around that?

If my husband messaged random women I would leave him - this is cheating, it’s emotional cheating. He did it behind your back and in addition she told nasty lies about you - for what purpose? Someone who loves and respects you wouldn’t do that.

I’m concerned that you are under his narcissistic spell, and you can’t see the truth because he has gaslit and manipulated you so much. The way he is treating you is abusive, controlling and manipulative. How would you feel if your daughter’s partner treated your daughter this way when she’s older? Your daughter is growing up seeing the way he treats you and learning that this is “normal” and that this is an acceptable way for a partner to treat her when she is older.

For what it’s worth, you are not the coercive, controlling one, he is. Nothing you have done is wrong.

Please, PLEASE get you and your daughter out of this. Children who are raised by narcissists usually have mental health issues, including many becoming narcissists themselves. If you stay in this relationship it’s will damage you and your daughter significantly. She will be mentally damaged and also will think that it’s ok to be treated the way your husbands treats you. You’re the only one who can protect her and she needs you to do the right thing. I left my abusive ex for me and my child’s safety and mental wellbeing and it’s the best decision I ever made. DM me if you like 🌷

thepariscrimefiles · 03/08/2025 11:31

This is a man saying that he doesn't love his 11 year old daughter because is dangerous and a bitch for revealing his lies to a vulnerable woman that he is trying to seduce. How can you be anything other than disgusted and appalled at his behaviour. He is a cheating, child-abusing arsehole.

You and your daughter need to have nothing more to do with him apart from via CMS.

PInkyStarfish · 03/08/2025 11:30

He has emotionally detached from his daughter and this presents a very real danger that he could harm her as he is divining in her being punished and that she is responsible for exposing him as being the piece of shit that he is.

You and your daughter need to get away from him as he is unstable and it’s likely to turn to violence now that his kicks from his group of admirers has been ‘ruined’.

Notsandwiches · 03/08/2025 11:29

Choose your daughter and yourself. Your husband is toxic (and I don't say that lightly). Please see a solicitor and get out. He is scum.

autienotnaughty · 03/08/2025 11:26

You need to tell him to leave and show your dd that you don’t need to put up with this crap .

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 03/08/2025 11:21

This can't be real?

FloofyBird · 03/08/2025 11:21

Op he's basically expecting you to punish an 11yo child for preventing him from shagging other women. Are you vulnerable yourself? You need to get angry! And ltb for your child's sake if not your own!

OneNewLeader · 03/08/2025 11:18

I think you’re also very vulnerable, through his and ultimately your actions, you are harming your child. She is what matters here.

There are many threads on MN with resources to contact, to help you leave this situation, follow them. It will be hard. If you continue with this abusive and deeply damaging relationship, you are complicit in the harm it’s causing your daughter.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 03/08/2025 11:18

Protect your daughter if you won’t protect yourself.

Muffinmam · 03/08/2025 11:14

What sort of assets would you get should you divorce this cheating, lying, abusive, disgusting loser of a man??

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 03/08/2025 11:14

For the love of God please get yourself and more importantly your DD away from this man

DinaofCloud9 · 03/08/2025 11:13

Your poor poor daughter.

5128gap · 03/08/2025 11:07

I think you need to focus on one thing only here. Getting your DD out of this situation. What your H is saying about you, whether he's trying to cheat, pales into insignicance against the importance of the harm being done to your DD. That a child felt compelled to contact strange women about adult matters is incredibly concerning. Her fathers abusive attitude towards her more so. Please put your thoughts and energies into getting her away from this situation and worry about your Hs behaviour towards you later.

tripleginandtonic · 03/08/2025 11:07

OP , why would you stay with someone who finds you fat and repulsive, let alone says it. That's without all the other stuff. Stop relying on him for money ( he'll have to pay CMS) get a job and stand on your own two feet, you and your dd will feel so much happier.

LoveSandbanks · 03/08/2025 11:06

He may be autistic, who cares. His behaviour is abusive. It really doesn’t matter why he behaves the way he does, it’s still abusive. Relationships should serve both partners and this doesn’t.

tara66 · 03/08/2025 11:05

He does not seem to think at all logically - aside from everything else - so is he actually sane??

Balloonhearts · 03/08/2025 11:05

I'm sorry, are you fucking insane? Do you have no self respect?

Why the fuck are you ringing these women, apologising? Your daughter won't be arrested, she's broken no law.

Why are you making her apologise to the father, and I use the word very loosely, who literally told her he doesn't love her and screamed at her instead of apologising to HER?!

Kick the lying, cheating (and it is cheating, you're deluding yourself thinking it's not) abusive cunt out of the house. Tell him to fuck off to one of his backup womens houses. He hasn't been wronged here, you have and your daughter definitely has!

You SHOULD be going mad at him and I don't understand why you aren't and why in God's name you aren't sticking up for your daughter?

Greyhound98 · 03/08/2025 11:02

He’s so fucked up, if he was a dog he’d be euthanised.
You really need to get yourself and more importantly your young daughter away from him because quite honestly, she sounds the most sensible one of you all.

JLou08 · 03/08/2025 11:02

You're not controlling him, you are the victim of coercive control and emotional abuse here. Your daughter is a victim. The vulnerable women he uses are victims. He is an awful, awful person. Go to women's aid, get support, get a good solicitor. Divorce this man and keep you and your DD safe from him.

Iamthemoom · 03/08/2025 11:01

Your poor poor daughter. I caught my dad cheating and got the blame so I know how she must feel. She has done nothing wrong. He is an absolute arsehole, depressed or not, there is no excuse for his vile behaviour. Please please LTB and choose your daughter who stood up for you and for what is right. What wonderful girl. I feel outraged on her behalf that he was able to shout at and blame her for his deceit. Your daughter deserves better and so do you. Get legal advice and get rid of him.

Juststop2025 · 03/08/2025 10:58

This really stands out to me "Next morning I asked our daughter for her side" what side? She was 100 percent in the right and truthful and trying to stick up for you and he's a filthy, lying, abusive, treacherous sack of shit - and you left her lying there all night in distress after allowing this pig to scream abuse about her before even asking her what actually happened?!

Apologise to her profusely and get her out of there. Then get her into counselling to help deal with the trauma this pig has caused her.

Hufflemuff · 03/08/2025 10:57

Im actually kind of pissed off at you for not jumping to DD defense and throwing that piece of human shit out in the street.

Your DD is a strong woman and you playing along with DH and making her apologise is potentially so damaging. You're putting out her fire.

Do you come from a background where divorce is culturally and religiously forbidden? It really reads like you come from a culture where a man's word is law.

You dont need a hand hold; you need a reality check. You're being abused. You're allowing your DD to be abused. This is not normal. You need to be stronger for your DD.

Sera1989 · 03/08/2025 10:56

Also I think your daughter telling these women the truth about his lies was actually very commendable. And him lying further saying they would get her arrested for abuse was just pathetic. It sounds like she already knows the score with him at age 11 and she deserves so much better than to have to deal with this

Swipe left for the next trending thread