So my 11 yr daughter saw messages her dad was sending other women claiming he's virtually a single dad that his business is failing because of his devotion to our daughter etc these women were replying basically telling him how great he is and how I should appreciate him more and how lucky I am. Over time this became them saying they would treat him better etc and ultimately him telling one of them that I would be away taking our daughter to a kids family camp and she could come and stay! Our 11 yr old was very upset and replied to several of these women saying far from what they were being told her dad has had very little to do with parenting her, is workaholic and blames that for why even if I am ill he can't help. She told them about eachother and that we are married and together as despite his mental health difficulties and previous issues I am committed to our relationship and we are a family.
I'm not saying our child was right to have read his stuff. He had let her use his phone and notifications came and she looked.
I knew nothing until I was away camping with her ( he never takes time off to holiday with us.) he rang in the middle of the night shouting and balling about what she had done and saying he loves me but she can't come home and he doesn't love her or want her back as she's dangerous and a bitch blah blah. This was the first I knew. Half the camp heard as we were literally in a tent and he was yelling.
At one point he screamed that I should sort MY daughter out. I asked him how and he said he was having to deal with these upset women and they were going to get our daughter arrested for abuse. I said send me their number and I will call them to explain she's just 11. He sent one woman's number before changing his mind.
I eventually calmed him down and said I would talk to her and our daughter.
Next morning I asked our daughter for her side and rang the woman who frankly came across as totally vulnerable. She denied threatening to have our child arrested and said he had told her we were divorcing and I leave him with our child 24/7 so he can't work. She went on to explain that he keeps saying he cares about her. She went on to explain she has PTSD pmdd bpd depression anxiety bipolar and is addicted to pain medications. They had met when she was homeless after her kids were taken into care and he gets in touch whenever he's down.
I asked her if this helps her and she became upset and started saying she hadn't meant me or our child any harm and I'm not how he had told her. I actually felt bad for her and angry at how he is treating her too.
Our daughter explained her side to me and I spoke by phone with him and a few days later we went home. He was calm however our child has apologised for snooping in his phone but he still won't show me or explain anything saying he has the right to contact who he wants and that he has never met up or physically cheated since we got married therefore it's none of my business. I have really tried not to react knee jerk or go mad at him, the woman I do have contact with or even our daughter. I am bursting now with upset. I don't think it is fair how he talked about our daughter, fair to ruin our break away and he is taking no responsibility at all. He's done nothing wrong it's just talk. He's angry with me and wants me to punish our daughter in some way.
He keeps threatening to throw me or her out and I am financially dependent since I gave up my work to look after our daughter and help in his family business ( for no pay) opposite to what he tells these women I can't work or get training without him creating crisis letting me down on childcare or saying I'm needed in the family business instead.
I really don't think I don't do my bit.
He became ill with depression a few years ago and blamed his lack of libido on me saying I was fat and repulsive. I had gained weight after two miscarriages and perimenopause. I listened and did my bit losing over 3 stone! His gp told him loss of libido is part of depression and said to me he presents as autistic and that he just doesn't understand some things and I need to explain clearly and that I am doing a great job supporting him. He had said in front of his GP his libido was affected by me being fat and repulsive. His GP was really shocked and told him this was an indication of him being unwell as I'm not. ( At this point I was 9 stone size 10) I try to understand he is feeling bad but putting it all on me or a child really doesn't feel fair even if he is ill. This with these women has really messed with my feelings of trust and he is so angry and tells that I don't trust him and why should he trust me then or love me etc and no wonder he doesn't want sex with me if I don't trust him.. but even that's not true we have been intimate since he started antidepressants. I even slept with him since camp because he said he felt unloved by me. After he said he felt more loved but then still has not come clean about these women. He's now furious I spoke with V the woman whose number he gave me and says that's coercive controlling by me
Am I being unfair asking him to stop these relationships and saying untrue stuff about us to these women and be honest with me? He says that's coercive controlling of me. I'm so distressed by the whole thing.
I would hate to abuse anyone and I feel so mixed up and emotionally exhausted.