Relationships - difference in work and pay

The op doesn’t want to have a chat with him about savings because she worried it might be awkward

so it doesn’t look like much transparency in finances re this relationship

I've reread OP's posts. Nowhere does she suggest her partner is in debt or borrowing money. So they obviously are supporting themselves.

They might not have a life style that you or OP aspire to but presumably have enough money for the life style that suits them. So who is anyone else to pass judgement?

Perhaps you should ask them how they budget and manage on the income they have?

OP’s partner is a woman

I’m 51, so definitely not having more children now! He doesn’t want children. Obviously, we’re at very different stages of our lives, hence the disparity in earnings. If I were looking for a life partner to have a family with then it might be an issue, but our set up works for us and we’re very happy.

You need to have a big conversation OP. From a slightly different perspective I spent a while as the poorer person in my relationship and it was awful. Partner wanted to do lots of things that I just couldn't afford and navigating that was very tricky.

He can afford a holiday. We’ve been every year. My point is that he can’t afford multiple trips away, so I go away separately with friends. And there’s invariably a conversation about the type of holiday and the cost because we have different budgets. He’s not flying business class obviously!

He’s not tight. He buys me gifts and flowers and always pays his way.

It started as a casual thing but he was kind, clever and funny and I fell in love with him. He’s got a strong work ethic but hasn’t had the same opportunities that I had growing up. No family support or encouragement. That’s not a flaw in his character, it’s just the reality of his upbringing. He’s 34 and went back to uni as a mature student to pursue his career. He’s now in a much stronger position to earn good money in his field of work. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

@pinotpony sorry but are you sure your partner isn't tight? 30k living in a shared house.... it's not exactly living on the bread line. He should be able to afford a holiday easily!

Some tight people have a lot more money than you would think. 30k is low compared to 95k yes but most people aren't on 95k.

You don't sound compatible.

They sound like a perpetual student who isn't quite a full adult and likes the student life of part time work and living in shared housing.

If you continue seeing them, you'll have to compromise on most things from shopping together up to holidays because there's not the get up and go that you have and it seems like you expect. Or you'll end up subsidizing yet another partner because this one isn't going to be pulling their own weight anytime soon. That will take away from your child. You're also showing your child that it's ok to subsidize a partner that works so little.

Honestly, the working only two days a week 3 months after they graduated would put me right off.

I have a similar imbalance in my relationship of 5 years. I earn £95k and, until recently, DP was working part time whilst studying. He graduated last summer and it has taken him a year to find a full time job in his chosen profession. He’s just accepted a role paying £30k.

I own my home. He rents in a shared house. I’ll occasionally stay at his but mostly he comes to mine. No intention to ever move in together.

There have been times when he’s struggled to “keep up” financially. But we just adjust our plans according to what he can afford.

We happily go for lunch in a dog friendly country pub. He can’t often afford to go to expensive restaurants so I do that with my friends or family instead.

We go to festivals together. I suggested a spa weekend away and he found a Groupon deal. We’ve just booked a holiday to Egypt next year and he’s saving up. I’m also holidaying separately with my kids and friends.

Very occasionally I’ll pay for something simply because I really want to do it. We recently had a trip to Rome, the holiday and eating out all split 50/50. But I wanted to do the expensive tours rather than wandering around with a guidebook, so I paid the additional cost of those excursions.

He’s much better at managing his money than me. I’ll buy things on a whim because I can afford to; he’s more restrained. I’m buying Holland and Cooper whilst he’s in JD Sports!

I don’t think a significant difference in earnings has to be a problem if you recognise and accept that it may limit some of the things you do together. You don’t love someone because of how much money they have.

I don't think you’re being harsh. Owning our own home is not a status thing for DH and me, it’s part of us planning for our old age. so we’re secure in a paid off home and not paying market rent. We see the “extra” cost of mortgage versus rent as a bit like a pension contribution, and therefore (to us) worth the sacrifice. I know to others it isn’t, and that is totally their choice.
From very bitter experience with an ex, I would say that having someone whose “risk-appetite” re finances is the same as your own certainly means less stress and resentment, regardless of who earns what.

She's already said they're both women.

you have to earn enough to be able to afford to live, otherwise you’re expecting others to subsidise you, which is the opposite of contributing.

Yes I agree you.

So this woman is in her 40's, barely works, is showing no ambition, no drive to work more. You're doing all of the planning in terms of dates and holidays etc and often paying for them. She's still living in a flatshare. All of this despite having the intellectual capability to develop a career, be more financially stable and make a greater societal contribution. You have a child... what kind of example is this woman setting? It's each to their own whether they are attracted to drive and ambition but when it has the potential to have a negative impact on your child, surely you have to question your judgement here?

I was replying to your point that people can contribute to society in different ways other than working. I was just saying that you have to earn enough to be able to afford to live, otherwise you’re expecting others to subsidise you, which is the opposite of contributing.

OP hasn’t said that their partner can’t afford to live. But if they are only working in a shop two days a week, they must have very low living costs…

I mostly can't believe you take your child to sleep in a house share with someone you've only known for a year! How old is your child, where do they sleep whilst they're there? I would consider this a potential safeguarding issue and very poor judgement f they weren't in the same room as you. Which I'm presuming they are not.

I don't know why you even introduced your child to this person at all so early on. You should step your child back from this mess first and foremost. You can consider what you want to do longer term but your child doesn't need to be caught up in this right now.

What difference does it make?

Are you male or female OP? You keep referring g to “they”.

You're incompatible. Eventually you having to pay for most things or refusing invitations as your partner can't afford them will grate on you .
ive read loads and loads of posts on here from women who married men who were 'free apirit' types who all said they regretted it hugely regardless of other attributes.

Lovely people are hard to come by - he’s just finished a degree - give it a bit more time . My DSD has taken 18months to get a decent job after her masters