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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DP because of his ex.

164 replies

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:01

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

  • making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
  • constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
  • making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
  • constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
  • putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

OP posts:
Ontheedgeofit · 03/08/2025 06:38

Sorry I didn’t quite catch if your SC was a SD or a SS so a bit of a mix in my post above. But the advice stands regardless of gender.

Ontheedgeofit · 03/08/2025 06:37

I think your SC needs help. From you and from others, possibly a counselor. It’s going to be tough and they may have to endure a lot but they are already going through a lot. Your SC needs to learn about boundaries and what is acceptable and not even if it means cutting off his mother and leaving his siblings. Probably not a popular opinion but I just don’t see another way unfortunately…. And your SC is going to have to deal with this from their mother for the rest of their life. She would at least have a supportive home on your side so would not be alone in it. As for her siblings, are they getting the same treatment? Do they too have dads with partners? Or are they living with their dad and their mum? Maybe life isn’t as bad for them? You need to provide your SC with a loving home and help her build some boundaries.

Horsie · 03/08/2025 06:30

Harassing someone like this simply cannot be legal. I'd definitely consult a lawyer.

Odellio · 03/08/2025 06:24

I am stepmum to 2 SC with an unhinged mum (not anything as bad as you describe) and have our own young DC too. I would absolutely be seeking to be ‘living apart but together’ until DSC is 18 as a minimum in your situation. You have to protect your DC.

I know it’s hard to not feel guilty for DSC but they don’t exist without their mum so you personally cannot change that outcome for them.

PPs scaring you by saying it won’t stop if you move out, at least the police would be able to do something to help you then as it would be direct abuse.

MellowPinkDeer · 03/08/2025 05:59

I would stay but only with a restraining order and all contact to be stopped. If the SD is a teenager he can arrange all things through her. No need for mum to be involved. So sorry OP I have no idea why Ex’a sometime are so batshit crazy, it’s such a shame for the kids and Damn right embarrassing really isn’t it, grown women throwing their toys out of the pram because they are nasty and jealous.

Teaacup · 03/08/2025 05:50

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:27

one of the issues is, the mum has said things like ‘if you ever went to live with your dad I would kill myself’. So our stepchild feels they cannot live just with us. they’ve also said that they know their mother would stop them having a relationship with their siblings, which she absolutely would do.

Show quote history

You and Dh need to report the ex to social services and your step child needs to tell them about the abuse. He’s 14 so I think he can choose who to live with once SS is in involved.

JustMyView13 · 03/08/2025 05:44

I said YABU but purely because I think you’re naive if you think she’ll stop the attacks if you leave. She sounds absolutely unhinged, and I can see a scenario where she carries on.
Can you speak to a solicitor? You might have legal cover with your home insurance. It’s a tricky one but sounds like a case of the broken system allowing her to fall between the cracks. I’m struggling to see why police can’t be involved for harassment though. You should start a diary.

Muffinmam · 03/08/2025 05:39

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:25

what do you think he could be doing more?

Show quote history

It is not the role of social services to deal with the abuse - it’s your husband’s responsibility to take this matter back to Court and detail that is ex is alienating him from his child. If he can’t do that then he needs to move far away and not tell his ex his forwarding address.

The 14 year old can make a choice to stay with her mother. It’s four years until she’s 18 and even when she’s 18 this drama couple still not be over. You need to move with or without your husband.

notimeforregrets · 03/08/2025 05:11

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:27

one of the issues is, the mum has said things like ‘if you ever went to live with your dad I would kill myself’. So our stepchild feels they cannot live just with us. they’ve also said that they know their mother would stop them having a relationship with their siblings, which she absolutely would do.

Show quote history

I think your stepchild needs to be in therapy, would it be possible to organise that?

Teisen1990 · 03/08/2025 05:08

I've been in a similar situation so you have my full sympathy OP.

Is there any option to cut contact with the SC until such a time as they leave their mothers house?
It isn't ideal but currently the 3 of you are being abused because of that relationship. If SC doesn't feel she can leave the toxic mother yet I don't feel its fair for the 3 of you to continue to be damaged by it.

Alternatively as sad as it is for your child probably is best that you split from dad for a while. Your child deserves to grow up with a mother who isn't depressed and anxious and without being exposed to abuse themselves.

There isn't much that courts and social services can do to help you in my experience. Only tough decisions by you, but you only get one chance at a good childhood for your child who must be your priority

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2025 05:04

You can move out and even end your romantic relationship with your partner, but you can’t fully escape this mess. You share a child with this man. You will be adding another set of cms payments and another set of custody schedules to the equation.

You personally won’t be there day in and day out and that will probably be a net improvement, but the drama isn’t going away completely and in some ways may intensify.

Blueberrymuffinsforthewin · 03/08/2025 05:02

If she's putting things on social media and sending you paragraphs of abuse I'm pretty sure that amounts to harassment in the least. I'd continue to contact the police every time it happens. Someone I know wasn't initially taken seriously but the more they contacted the police the more they realised there was a problem.

Juststop2025 · 03/08/2025 04:59

Yep, leave. Of course you must. Get well away from her and hide from her. If your husband cares about the health and safety of your child he will support you in every way he can to get away from this dangerous lunatic.

This should have been reported to the police relentlessly, every step of the way. If he has not been doing that, why not?

You are a mother now, your first job is to protect YOUR child. You cannot protect your stepchild, and your husband either can't or won't do anything about the ex, so you must leave.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/08/2025 04:55

@Brokenn

Can your step child move in with you?

At 14, she'd be gillick competent surely?

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 03:59

whatthesigma · 02/08/2025 23:23

Have you considered contacting social care? This is a clear case of parental alienation.

She's said they are involved but can't do much, because they can't. The child is 14. Unless the father can persuade them to move into his home full time then social care can't do a thing.

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 03:56

Haveyouanyjam · 02/08/2025 23:23

I understand why your SC feels the way they do, but if your husband has PR then he can stop him from going to his mum’s due to the concerns, if he will comply. Hard at that age of course. Ask SC what they want, how you can support them to live with you full time whilst still having a relationship with their other siblings.

The child is a teenager. There is zero point in trying to stop him from going to his mum's. This isn't how parenting teenagers works.

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 03:54

Deafnotdumb · 03/08/2025 00:10

This is happening via a third party, so the focus has to be on the stepchild. It's parental alienation and domestic abuse. Seek counselling for the child and really come down hard on SS. They are overworked and overwhelmed and the thought process is something like; "hard to prove and there's one sane parent at least." You need document the abuse so you can get DSC out of that toxic place. I also think she will escalate during that phase - abusers usually do when they are losing control - so be prepared for it.

If you need to leave to preserve your mental health; leave. But do it with a plan in place to preserve your family in the long run.

'Come down hard' on social services? What do you expect them to do? They can't remove the child from the home. They can't control how the mother behaves.

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 03:52

beAsensible1 · 03/08/2025 01:22

These things will come out in a cafcass interview and inform the courts decision though.

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She's already said the child is a teenager, it's not going to court

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 03:52

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:17

If we ever stick up for ourselves, not even retaliating, just sending an email for example saying to stop texting our stepchild in this way as it’s distressing, she escalates the behaviour.

Police say they can’t do anything as she’s not harassing us directly, she’s harassing via the child which is a social services issue, but they don’t seem to do much.

What do you think social services could do about her behaviour?

KieBecHinmac · 03/08/2025 02:32

I'd ring social services on her as she bring your step child in to it and causing kids to have panic attack and Id ring police every time she made a death threat and citizens advice can help you with child maintance claims but if social got involved you can go through them to sort it. She is clearly a selfish phyco that safeguarding issue to her own child and bully to everyone else.

Keep your head up chick... just think things could be worse, like you could be a nasty peace of work like her... But you not ❤️❤️🥰🥰

InterIgnis · 03/08/2025 02:18

lotsofpatience · 02/08/2025 23:51

This woman is a psychopath and you are desperate to find a way out. However, you know already that what you are suggesting would be cruel and heartless.

When you marry someone you make an oath to stick together through thick and thin. Your partner has done anything wrong so you can't be contemplating punishing him for the behaviour of his ex. Also, you need to bear in mind you that your baby is his, too. Do you really want to sever that bond between them?

I am sorry you are facing this challenge. But you need to get through it together as a family. Time to rise above.

Leaving wouldn’t be to punish him, it would be to protect herself. Marriage isn’t a cage she has to remain in no matter the cost to herself.

It isn’t his fault, no, but that doesn’t mean OP needs to sacrifice more of herself to suffer alongside him.

beAsensible1 · 03/08/2025 01:31

Why is she so hung up on your DP if she has younger children?

beAsensible1 · 03/08/2025 01:28

You can get SC a phone that they use only at yours so they don’t have to deal with the negative communication while away. Slowly start increasing time at yours.

once siblings are older social services can help facilitate visits with siblings and seeing them at school etc.

get sc in counselling to help them navigate a eventually realise it’s ok for them to leave or limit time at mums home. Maybe 1 overnight a week.

beAsensible1 · 03/08/2025 01:22

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:27

one of the issues is, the mum has said things like ‘if you ever went to live with your dad I would kill myself’. So our stepchild feels they cannot live just with us. they’ve also said that they know their mother would stop them having a relationship with their siblings, which she absolutely would do.

Show quote history

These things will come out in a cafcass interview and inform the courts decision though.

Devonshiregal · 03/08/2025 01:19

So this woman is sending her daughter reams of psycho messages threatening to kill herself if the child doesn’t do xyz (coercive control) and going off about the dad in all kinds of psycho ways (parental alienation if anything can be proved false) and all other sorts of stuff yet SS is allowing the child to remain with her and other younger (I assume?) children. Fabulous.

you said she does stuff on social media? How is this through a third party? Also, has she threatened you or your child? Even through sd - if they do x I’ll do y?

has she got a partner or an ex? Who is/are the fathers to her other kids? They might be worth contacting to try to get evidence she isn’t safe around her kids. If she is this batshit too what is their living accommodation like? If it is unsafe in anyway or she neglects or abused her kids in anyway I’d ask sc to take photo/video evidence. If her other kids are removed, your sc will be free to leave and live with you full time. And at that point I would run like the fucking wind and move as far away as possible.

it’s a bit sucky your husband chose to have another child when he knew how potentially dangerous this woman is. I’ve been in similar situation to him so I’m not even trying to be a dick it’s just that sadly you have to accept that there are things you can’t do when you have someone like this in your life. As he does have another child though, is he not concerned that you two are in a potentially risky situation? He should have sent you both away already and be visiting you during the times he isn’t at home with his kid. It’s awful that this is happening to any of you, but she’s something he’s stuck with but he can save you two somewhat.

oh also, I know you say your sc is wonderful but keep in the back of your mind that she could either purposefully or accidentally feed the ex info about you. So if you do move, don’t give her the address. It’s her kid after all, and a crazy mother can have a lot of control over a child.