Leaving DP because of his ex.

Oh sweetie, I totally understand how you feel.

my husband’s ex accused him of rape the day before our wedding, I can only assume it was in the hope that he’d be arrested before we got married. Fortunately they didn’t arrest him for a week so we were able to have a lovely week of married life. Then it went to shit.

He has been arrested for rape, CSA, torture, kidnap, general DV and CA…. Erm… probably more, around 7 times in total.

Myself and my (then) 10&11yo kids were also accused of doing CA but thankfully not arrested. She made up the most disgusting things but thankfully the police realised that she was bat shit and it never went further. They obviously had to arrest him and investigate (as they should) but it still angers me that she received no punishment for lying, even when we had 100% proof that it didn’t happen.

She even told Step son ALL about it and we only going out because he was really surprised that my husband got a job with the NHS “with your criminal record”, and he was really perplexed when we showed him the EDBS with zero on it.

Unfortunately step son was a chip off his mothers block and would just lie about everything, he even agreed to the police that we were all beating him with belts and shoes, but he was very young and the PS4 he received from his mother was hell of an incentive so we just ignored it.

thankfully at 15 step son decided to stop coming and I’ll be honest, our lives have been lovely, no more worry that the police are going to knock, no more social services involvement, the stress has gone (except a random call to DWP. She obviously got bored one evening). Even my husband (who fought hammer and tongue in court for 13 years to see his son) has admitted that he’s relieved, it’s like the clouds have lifted.

i do feel for step son because now he’s stuck with a psychopath who doesn’t leave the house, but he’s 17 and it’s his choice. We can’t force him and neither could court.

i wish you all the best, whatever you decide, but it won’t stop just because you leave, so if you stay in a relationship then it will just be the same old.

Is there any way you could persuade your SC to go to the police and show them the messages sent wrt the threat of suicide? Frame it has getting their mother the "help" she needs so that they won't feel guilty about reporting her. That way the complaint comes from the person being sent the threatening and abusive messages so the "3rd party" reasoning is no longer valid as it's the "1st party" making the report. It may also be the trigger to finally get SS to act to keep her other children safe as she maybe doing it to them and their dad as well.

Had all of this happened when you contacted the police? False UC/child benefit claims aren't via SC! I think I'd make online reports for everything anyway, eventually that bigger picture might be enough for something to happen.

I'd call them for welfare checks for every suicide threat too.

You make a good point but it seems she may have preempted that by getting the child to show OP the texts and social media. They could ask him to stop doing that but that would be telling him to disobey his mother and silently carrying the burden alone of knowing what she is saying.

OP Rather than leaving, perhaps your DH could shield you from all this by telling his son that going forward whatever his mother says is to be kept private between him and his son. As he knows what his mother is like to the extent he feels some responsibility to her other children he may fully understand why it needs to be like that.

I also think the fact DH lets DSC go their mum's just shows services that he thinks it's safe. If he felt she was that abusive then he wouldn't be allowing contact no matter what. I get at 14 they have a choice to some extent, but just take steps to force it to stop. If their DM then wants contact the courts will actually have to listen, and then isn't he likely to get full custody when they see all the evidence you have of her emotional abuse to her child?

Contact the step child's school and speak to them. The detrimental effect this is having on them in monumental. This woman can't be allowed to continue. Can't you block, send back letters, refuse mention of her in your house and just generally freeze her out. Over a long period of time this should have some effect.

Making a false claim for benefits is a crime. What happened when you reported this? I’d be getting a restraining order on her. I’ve not read through the thread.

Play her at her own game. She's batshit and the more you try and stop her, the more she will go on. Be batshit yourself. Some batshit options would be:
-All move away with DC, cut all contact, don't give her the address, and don't allow contact until she's had to go through the courts. But better still, move to a different country.
-Set her up to do something more illegal than she already is, then film / catch her, call the police and get her sent to prison
-some unfortunate unwitnessed accident happens to her
Honestly though, if the police and social services aren't helping and doing things the "correct way" is getting you nowhere, I'd probably just take my DC and leave, and just never contact them again. Your DC having contact with their dad makes them vulnerable to also be abused by her and I wouldn't let any child of mine be exposed to that, regardless of who's fault it is. Let DH get a court order for contact that you can contest due to the abuse from his ex putting your child at risk.
I know my post is ridiculous but I honestly just think these days nobody gets anywhere from doing the right thing and I'd just do whatever the fuck it takes to protect my child.

Well yes actually, it is an option.
Given that they've asked the police and social services for help and it hasn't come.
Weighing up the continued risk of harm to the father, OP and the shared child to continued exposure to this situation. I don't think we should judge if they walked away.
Also, the mother might then decrease her abuse towards the girl as the fuel (father) has been removed

As othwrs have said, i dont think this would stop if you break up with your partner. It might even increase as she'll have "won".

On another note - I think if you can, your step child would benefit from some outside support, is there anything they could access through school, wellbeing support or counselling?

If they've grown up with their mum regularly threatening suicide if they do X,Y, or Z, it'll be massively screwing them up, but it might just be normal for them.

If you or your partner say its not right or normal, their mum could twist that into you trying to turn child against them etc. But a neutral person from the outside, might be able to help them see its not normal and not their responsibility. What their mum threatens to do and follow through with, or not, is not their responsibility.

See a civil solicitor about a protection from harassment order and suing her for fraud or similar re the false claims

Having read the initial post

If she has made death threats via social media then go back to the Police now and don't take no for an answer

Ditto over the UC claims made in your name

I would also take them up with the Fraud team at the DWP

You can also ask for an anti social behaviour case review which if nothing else would make the police look at it again

And the poor dc. Social services? The poor kid’s life will be ruined by her. She sounds unhinged.

@Brokenn
I can imagine that, because of all her shenanigans, this behaviour is foremost in your mind and causing you untold mental distress so I empathise, especially as you have your own DC now and will be in "protect" mode.

Can you not try to grey rock her?

She threatens to turn up at your house, I assume she hasn't already so probably won't?

Get a ring doorbell or cameras.

Social media post, ignore them, who cares, most people will read them and roll their eyes.

Text messages to DC, don't look at them, let DH deal with them.

DC wants to discuss his "D"M you find something else to do, let DH listen to it.

She signs you up for something, ignore, bin or delete.

Make it clear to your DH that you are no longer going to allow her behaviour to affect your life, he deals with it, he is not to tell you anything unless you are directly at risk.

The authorities don't or can't help you (I'd check with a solicitor first to make sure you're not just being fobbed off)

You need to protect yourself mentally as this is taking such a toll on you.

It'll be very hard but it may give you your power back and remove her power.

Assuming you love your DH, splitting up seems an extreme reaction and who's to say that would end it, she's got you in her sights and leaving might give her another reason to harrass you.

She's clearly vicious with too much time on her hands.

Plus if you leave your own DC will be in that environment without you.

I’d go to the police. She’s stalking you.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? It is life destroying. I’ve long gone past the ideal of pleasing everyone all the time. We all have one life and you need to simplify the choices down and ultimately someone is going to get hurt.

The options seem to be

1. SC cuts contact with mother
2. DH cuts contact with SC
3. OP leaves marriage and breaks up another family.

Not ideal any of them.

I would push for No 1 with the SC getting support from OP and DH and SS… But this will not stop the abuse for a while unfortunately and possibly not ever.

OP I'm really sorry. Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt. No other kids in either house in our scenario, and DSD lives with us, but the drama, threats, blocking etc are all so familiar.

DSD is now 18 so it's easier. She shares the crazy communications with her Dad or her friends but not me.

Threatening suicide is child abuse, child services are aware of that? In our case, years later, DSD still gets blamed for "destroying her relationship with her poor adoring mother" by talking to CS and she knows on one level this is bat$h!t but on another she still loves her Mum (but hasn't seen her in 6 months).

Your step child definitely needs therapy, and possibly family therapy with their Dad. A family therapist may invite Mum to partake but don't expect miracles on that front (DSD's Mum refused to engage once the therapist suggested she might be the problem, not DSD and her Dad).

It gets easier as they get older. Would it be possible for you to ask your DP to not keep you informed of the crazy? Honestly, part of me wants to know what's going on but my mental health is so much better since I don't. I mean if DSD comes to me for a cuddle I know something is up (she's 18) and DH will say "Oh, her Mum is blocking her again" or "Another poison pen letter arrived earlier" but I don't know the details.

Your DSC loves their Mum and wants her to be happy, but also loves their Dad and you and knows their Mum is the problem. This is such a horrible position for them to be in.

Over the years if we overhear calls between DSD and her Mum the tone is always placating but every now and again she'll errupt and it's always "Don't you talk about my Dad like that!" She's 18, she understands her Mum's opinion of her Dad concerns us not one iota, but she cannot stand to hear it.

If you need to move out, you need to move out. Living with the second hand crazy is so hard. Could you maybe try family therapy (for your DP and DSC to help them manage) and asking your DP to keep you in the dark (as far as possible) first?

Wow, this is a post and a half.
OP has already said that social services are involved. And yes, 14 year olds can generally choose which parent they live with and courts can't and won't make a child live with one if they don't want to. Social services can't threaten her with losing all her children. Or your DH should tell her that if she's not nicer to them, he'll take steps to get them removed - this is not how things work!

I would consider this as harrassment. I’d speak with the police to explain everything that’s going on. And show the evidence. Screen shot everything. Keep all emails and letters of proof she’s trying to claim money.
what she’s doing is illegal. It’s abusive. Maybe the police speaking with her with scare her into sense. Maybe it won’t but I would certainly consider reporting her.

They have already done that - why don't people read the OP's posts? The child wants to live with the mother.

You're advocating this man cuts contact with his child because of the abusive mother? Are you for real?!

Yes I would leave. I never believed the whole crazy ex until I experienced it for myself.

Some woman really are bitches and will do anything to sabotage a new relationship. I made it very clear to a recent ex that just because he pandered to his batshit ex and let her rule roost, didn’t mean I would be.

Enjoy your baby away from this shitshow.

She's said the child doesn't want to

Just a thought. I know it's easy for me to say, but could it be that you're giving her too much power, in your mind? I mean, what can she actually DO to you? Stuff like the phony claims you mention above can be easily proved by you to be fake.

I think she's caused you to have anxiety, which is making you spiral into thinking that you need to leave your husband. The fact is, she cannot do anything to you. Maybe have some cognitive therapy sessions to help realise that she actually has no power over you? Her current power is all psychological, imo. She's got under your skin. And if she causes you to move out, she's won! But the truth is that she is powerless over you and is acting like some big scary grizzly bear when in fact it's just a bear costume. Fuck her! You get some good sleep and then get on with having a great life with your husband, baby, and DSD!

Now, she IS doing real harm to your DSD. That is a child endangerment issue and Social Services should be on that. Your DH should be on their backs. Maybe a visit from SS might help her calm her ways.

Someone said that the DSD is old enough to choose where she lives, but is that true when abuse is going on? SS should threaten her with losing all her children. Or your DH should tell her that if she's not nicer to them, he'll take steps to get them removed. Either way, your DH and/or SS should be working to get through to her that her actions have real consequences. Or perhaps your DH should talk to her about getting help for her MH. Or tell SS that they should do that.

In the meantime, you focus on creating some nice happy family memories - family dinners, game nights, movie nights - and don't let her win.

Contact the police.

You have listed several criminsl
iffences there op. The police will be able to advise you. You need to do this regardless of where you choose to live. You also need to contact social services. She urgently needs a psychiatric assessment.

This is an awful situation, and one you do not need to live with. Call the police today.