Leaving DP because of his ex.

Op you need to talk to the police and see if she can be charged with malicious communication offence or harassment. This is not acceptable, and will be taken very seriously. There is even a case for stalking, which carries a long prison sentence and may be the deterrent you need. There could be charges of fraud and misrepresentation.

Why haven’t you contacted the police?

Social services are the wrong agency. Unless she is severely abusing her child, and there is evidence of such neglect etc they aren’t going to do anything. It isn’t their job to protect you, just the welfare of the child in her care - which doesn’t sound like it’s reached the threshold of intervention.

They aren't going to though. A non molestation order is civil and doesn't need police involvement.

Have you seen a solicitor about this? Are they right? I only ask as my ex was arrested for harassment/stalking and a lot was done via a their party…. They didn’t get charged in the end but it did stop the behaviour.

You know that social services can only get involved with a family with parental consent right? They aren't police, they can't 'come down hard'. This child has two parents. The other parent needs to protect the child, social services can't do it. They can't threaten to remove the child or any of the children because that's not how things work. They can't force the mother to do anything.

The police can charge her with actual offences which will be far more powerful than a non mol order that will probably be repeatedly breached…

By your own admission you knew already about the loony bitch before you got married. To betray your husband now that he has fathered another child would be ignominious.
Also, you are making the assumption this unhinged woman would leave you alone once you have left your husband. That's quite a leap of faith. She will probably carry on pestering you knowing that your baby is his baby, too. You will have to deal her deranged behaviour on your own. Say you move in with somebody else. Do you think they would be safe? Clearly not.
You need to have a very serious chat with your husband. Communicate in clear terms that you are so desperate that you are considering leaving. And then put together a plan of action to fight this bitch.

Re non- molestation order, talk to a solicitor, not the police. They can be worded quite specifically and with the best will in the world, the police are not trained in all aspects of the law.
Also, can you afford to get your SC in to see a psychologist privately once a month? It might help her to know she has someone to talk to who has no agenda, and won’t tell anyone what she said. It sounds like the poor kid has a lot on her shoulders.

Unanswered question from a PP-

Why is she so hung up on your DH if she has younger children that are not his? I presume they’re not his as you have made no reference to them as SC?

Did your DH leave her for you? And then she went on to have a relationship with another and when that failed turned her attention back to the man who, in her view, ‘started it all’?

If you leave him, SD has more disruption and she has got what she achieved.

Go and get PROPER legal advice from a Solicitor and take PROPER action. Did he and she ever have mediation?

How can it be costing you HUNDREDS more than it should be if he only has 1 child with her? That can be sorted with ease, surely?

There are many gaps in this story and whilst I can see you are distressed, people can’t give advice if things aren’t clear.

That isn’t correct because a non mol would generally include a prohibition on indirect harassment which means encouraging someone else to do it. You won’t get one (because it wouldn’t be the right category of family relationship) but your DP could. This is a civil remedy. It’s a straightforward process and you wouldn’t need a lawyer.

Harassment though is a criminal offence so don’t be fobbed off by the police. She is harassing you and for proceedings to be initiated you don’t need the special category of relationship you need for a family injunction. Be firm with the police.

Also be firm the Local Authority. Her behaviour is abusive.

Just a brief message to say please don't take your legal advice from the police. First, they really only deal with criminal law, not civil law so even the best could only give you half the posibilities. Second, they are not lawyers and at least some have an extremely shaky grasp of even the possibilities of even criminal law beyond their day-to-day, bread-and-butter bits of it.

Try to find a few long-experienced family solicitors and sit down with them for a brainstorm of the possibilities and options you have.

Op this sounds incredibly hard. My relationship has just broken down and a large party of this was due to his ex who was high conflict and highly manipulative. Not as bad as yours but felt like I was living under a microscope. (Long messages about everything that was wrong in our home, disrupting visits despite a court order, turning up where we were suppose to be, the list goes on and on) The main issue for me is that my now ex couldn’t deal
with her and relied to heavily on me and it was exhausting!

Unless you’ve lived it you have no idea how draining a high conflict / emotional unstable / manipulative ex can be. She’s also causes huge damage to her youngest child which has been heartbreaking to watch! Both children are going to need extensive therapy at some point!

I think they should have a formal meeting with the mum and print out all the long novel like messages she is sending her 14 year old about her threatening to kill herself if she stays with her dad etc.. explain to her that she is destroying her own an child’s mental well-being by being emotionally manipulative and abusive. It’s not normal to send those to a 14 years old. Terrible parenting and very damaging. Explain to her that they, Social services are there to protect children from different types of abuse and this consists of abuse. Is she continues to send those to her child the child will live permanently with her dad. They will also keep an eye on the younger children so they don’t get the same treatment and if she doesn’t stick to these new rules they’ll have to intervene. They are literally there to help struggling families and that poor child is struggling! Their mental health is being destroyed and even if OP decided to leave so that the mum would stop. The mum would eventually find another reason to emotionally manipulate and abuse that child and probably her other children. It will carry on into adulthood. OP removing herself will calm down this fire but not the others she’ll experience from her mum in her life. So now is the best time for SS to really come down hard and for the mum to get some therapy from GP. Otherwise those children will learn the same patterns and repeat with their children.

I think the idea of telling the doc not to pass on hurtful comments about OP and her partner is a good one. Abusive comments to the DSC should be passed on them though, and reported to Social services. I would also inform the school's wellbeing/ safeguarding worker about it too. They may have more clout reporting to social services.

PPs have made some really good suggestions imo.

1 - Contact the FRAUD teams for UC and child maintenance. They'll investigate her and she'll get into a whole heap of trouble, plus you gave further evidence for her batshittery.

2 - Consult with an actual SOLICITOR
I do feel you are being fobbed off by the police. They should be doing more.

3 - Raise concerns to SS about the care of the younger siblings. I can't believe they are aware how unstable this woman is and haven't got involved.

4 - Can't SC see her siblings through their (siblings') dad? Amazing he hasn't gone for full custody to get them out.

5 - Get THERAPY for SC. If you can't afford it check for local charities supporting teens and young adults, they often include counseling services. Check with the school too.

She is the stepmother and is specifically given this power by Part 62, s 3(d) of the Family Law Act. Op can take action herself if she wished.

The child is being alienated and it would be entirely appropriate to take action against the mother in the form of an order that the mother be restrained from doing so to the child. That action should be taken by the child's father who doesn't seem to realise the extent of the problem.

I know I am probably going to get flayed for my response but its just my opinion but I wouldn't/couldn't leave my DH over something like this, which is not of his making, or his fault.

We are a team and we deal with everything as such. His problems are mine, and vice versa and we will deal with and sort things together. As a unit.

For better for worse and all that.

I would be gutted if I were having family problems and he decided he couldn't cope with it and left me. They are the person who is supposed to have your back not jump ship the minute things get tough.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you be understanding if he decided to leave and leave you to it to just cope alone and deal with it by yourself?

This is an awful situation for both of you, it really is, and I am sorry that you are all having to put up with this. Its truly shit. But I don't think leaving him to cope with this on his own is the answer to your problems. If anything it could cause more of them and have him questioning your relationship and your marriage.

Except she IS harassing you without going through your step child - the benefit claims made in your name etc.
I'd try the police again. Consult a solicitor about what the law actually says regarding harassment through third parties. The police staff you spoke to may not have full grasp of the law.
Possibly also they don't fully understand the impact this is having on you, and the potential danger from this woman, and just fobbed you off because they don't want to deal with it.
This is obviously impacting your life hugely. I can't believe there isn't a law against some, if not all, of her actions.

Btw, threats of suicide would be seen as coercive control in a romantic relationship, which there are now laws against. Investigate whether this would (it should!) apply when used against children.

What do social services have to say about ability for your DSC to maintain contact with siblings if she tries to stop it? See a solicitor about that, too. A court may be able to mandate that contact happens. At least that gives a bit more control to your DSC in making decisions that aren't based on fear.

Can you get counseling for DSC, too, so they can learn about healthy relationships, and have some tools for dealing with the mother/coercive control? The added benefit would be that if the counselor has concerns about physical or mental harm, they will be bound by law to report it, which will add weight to your case.

What do you think they should insist social services do? Seriously, what do you think they should be doing?

There isn't going to be a court case for this 14 year old. Family courts won't force teenagers to live with parents they don't want to live with.

This
I haven't voted OP and I am sorry for what this is all costing you (in every way).
It would have such a negative impact on you all if you were to separate.
I don't have any solutions. I hope you are getting emotional support from somewhere

I’m sorry you are going through this! I would say your parter needs to record and report all this to social services and INSIST they do something as it’s emotional abuse to the child. Your partner needs to do this as it’s HIS job. Leaving it to you is causing too much stress and pressure when you’ve had a baby and need to enjoy your baby. You’ve tried the approach of trying to stop her and she can probably see (because she’s doing something every week) that it’s really getting to you and probably wants to break your happy family up. So literally do the opposite! At least pretend to her that it’s not getting to you. Treat her like a petulant child to her face and dismiss her. To her face show how unbothered you are and this will enrage her. Only then you can record everything. Get any evidence you can and take it to the police. Keep building a case secretly and when there’s enough evidence, get a harassment order. Clearly trying to contain her hasn’t worked so let her explode and go crazy and do her worst. Maybe speak to her in a public place and calmly explain that she is destroying her own child’s life but it’s not affecting you at all. She’s destroying herself for an ex. She needs to move on. When she explodes film everything. Why should you leave your husband and for your child to be without their own father because of her. Find your own anger and make a plan. Don’t let her destroy yours because she’s a brat and willing to destroy her own child over her crazy jealousy. Your choices aren’t only to either put up with this or trying to put out the fires. You can also put boundaries in a place. Your third option is to stop this completely by getting all the evidence you need by being brave! Don’t be scared of her. I say this as a complete people pleaser that I’ve been all my life but at some point you have to put yourself first otherwise your own mental health will suffer and to be blunt why should their lives matter more than yours? Surely you deserve to be happy to!

Just as not suggested so far -

You can write to ex's GP setting out concerns for ex's mental health (and DSD). They get lot's of these letters of concern and might be able to get mental health services involved with ex.

Sounds like she's done enough to DP to get a non molestation order, why are the police saying its not. Ask them to put in writing why not when you just show everything that she's done to you DP - use written evidence not your DSDs word.

Also talk to your DSD tell her to put everything her mum sats/does in a box - be that box in her head or in her phone - then lock it and onky open to add to it not to look at it all. In this way she maybe can learn that it doesn't affect her everyday life. Keep her with you as much as possible. Ask her not to show you what DPs ex has said cos it doesn't matter to you. Try to block that incoming stream of sh1t. Seek some counselling for her so she talk to someone about it all.

Call 111 ask for assistance with your DPs ex. She sounds unhinged. Put pressure on the health services to section her - if she's threatening suicide or to harm others its a real reason for sectioning someone. Social services can support this - frankly I don't know why she still has her kids with her! She is damaging them so deeply.

Ref you, please talk to your GP see if there is help with mental health they can provide.

How's your DP through this? How's hus mental health?

Please dont run away, you maybe need a little respite, but dont be forced out of your home by it. That sadly is what she wants xxx