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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving DP because of his ex.

164 replies

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:01

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

  • making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
  • constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
  • making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
  • constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
  • putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

OP posts:
myglowupera · 03/08/2025 11:06

I know you’ve probably had plenty of posters telling you not to leave your DP, but they’re not the ones living with his ex’s shit.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left?
Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

It’s your life and your child’s life. You’ve done lots of fighting to keep everything going and it’s ok to say you can’t do it anymore.

PrincessofWells · 03/08/2025 11:06

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 11:04

Social services ARE involved (or have been)
As working with social services is voluntary, and they can't make the child move to live with their father even if they tried, I don't know what else people think they should be doing.

Show quote history

Removing the child to a place of safety?

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 11:04

JohnofWessex · 03/08/2025 11:01

One point worth making is that the Police, Social Services etc CAN get involved IF THEY WANT TO

The challenge is to get them to pull their fingers out.

As a 'for example' there are an awful lot of 'omnibus cover all charges' that can be used to prosecute the ex partner as well as some specific ones what is needed is the will to do it.

I might try making a complaint if no action has been taken by the Police

Social services ARE involved (or have been)
As working with social services is voluntary, and they can't make the child move to live with their father even if they tried, I don't know what else people think they should be doing.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 11:04

Consider involving your MP if the authorities won't act. My ex did a rival benefit claim causing me aoad of grief.. MP stepped in and helped sort it. They are bothered op.

Iamnotalemming · 03/08/2025 11:02

I would second speaking to an experienced family law solicitor. Police won't necessarily have advised you correctly and they will only know about criminal law not civil.

Good luck.

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 11:02

MumWifeOther · 03/08/2025 11:00

Surely the best option is full custody of your step child. Poor kid really needs to get away from this unhinged woman.

How you you propose they get full custody of a 14 year old who doesn't want to live with them full time?

AnaMRT · 03/08/2025 11:02

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 09:50

You know that social services can only get involved with a family with parental consent right? They aren't police, they can't 'come down hard'. This child has two parents. The other parent needs to protect the child, social services can't do it. They can't threaten to remove the child or any of the children because that's not how things work. They can't force the mother to do anything.

Show quote history

Yeah that’s what the OP has said as well. She said that Social services did what I was suggesting already. The mother has just been ignoring it as they can’t force her. Such a shame they can’t do more. It’s a shame that these types of people exist in the first place that put their needs and pain above their own children.. I guess ultimately you can only do so much to help people if they refuse to see their mistakes. This is why I would just let her unravel and get as much evidence as possible for an anti mol order. Sometimes you just have to people dig their own hole.

JohnofWessex · 03/08/2025 11:01

One point worth making is that the Police, Social Services etc CAN get involved IF THEY WANT TO

The challenge is to get them to pull their fingers out.

As a 'for example' there are an awful lot of 'omnibus cover all charges' that can be used to prosecute the ex partner as well as some specific ones what is needed is the will to do it.

I might try making a complaint if no action has been taken by the Police

MumWifeOther · 03/08/2025 11:00

Surely the best option is full custody of your step child. Poor kid really needs to get away from this unhinged woman.

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2025 10:54

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:12

We spoke to police about a non-molestation and they said because it mostly comes via our stepchild, ‘a third party’, it’s very difficult for them or the courts to do anything to help us.

Show quote history

Talking to a solicitor would give you civil rather than criminal options

NavyRose · 03/08/2025 10:51

This sounds really hard.

Something that stood out for me, you've envisioned leaving "even just temporarily until shared child is older." That suggests to me you just want a break from the chaos, but don't actually want to leave your dp. If you do leave he may not wait for you so you can get back together in future either. It's not a good plan.

Jochef · 03/08/2025 10:48

Brokenn · 02/08/2025 23:01

I can’t take it anymore.

My DPs ex is genuinely batshit. He shares a child with her. For the first few years of our relationship she was ok, but since we got married and had a baby in the last couple of years, she has amplified her behaviour to such an extent that I feel I have no choice but to leave my DP (even just temporarily until their shared child is older).

I can’t detail all of her behaviours out of fear I’ll be outing myself, but I’ll list a few so you get an idea:

  • making threats to turn up at our house and death threats. made via their child and social media. this causes my stepchild to have massive emotional stress which we then have to deal with all the fallout.
  • constantly telling their child what an awful person my DP is and that he’s an abuser in every sort of way, and saying horrible things about me, I’m fat and lazy. she sends text messages and makes social media posts about us which my stepchild then shows us.
  • making fake child maintenance claims saying my partner has his child for zero overnights, which we still haven’t been able to resolve with them and it’s costing our family hundreds every month.
  • constant emotional abuse of my stepchild, she blocks them, tells them she wants nothing to do with them, threatens suicide all the time, sends them lists of reasons she hates them. It’s like a teenager bullying another teenager, except she’s an adult mother.
  • putting a phoney claim in for universal credit in my name, attempting to claim my babies child benefit which I got a rival claims letter for, me and my partner get lots of random post from companies we’ve allegedly signed up for recently, which we definitely haven’t and have never heard of the companies (I don’t have definitive proof this is her but it’s obvious given the context of everything else).

i kid you not, she’s done something new every week. every week we are having to deal with more abuse, more craziness. Social services are involved and have been for a couple of years, but frankly they are pretty useless. The police say they can’t do anything as she mostly terrorises us through the child (a third party as they say) rather than directly.

I just want to enjoy my baby. Would I be a terrible person if I left? I feel dreadful for my stepchild as they understandably already have huge trust issues and we have a great relationship. Also I love my DP and it’s not his fault his ex is like this but I am not myself and haven’t been for a long time, my family and friends have all noticed.

Having been through some of this, and some even worse I left. DD was 1. It was the best thing I could have done for my DD and my mental health.

Never underestimate the ex when there is a child involved.

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 10:46

Move out.
You have brought a child into this toxic mess who is being impacted by your understandable stress.
Your child deserves better than this.
No man is worth this stress.
Put your child first.

Jellybellycat · 03/08/2025 10:42

It is so sad that you and your DP should suffer further by separating. All because of this women’s behaviour.

However I don’t think you are unreasonable to consider it - you want peace in your life and you don’t want your own child caught up in this.

I think I would seriously need to consider moving far away from this women - literally putting miles between you. A fresh start where she doesn’t know where you live.

Startledwomeninredpjs · 03/08/2025 10:35

If you leave, she won! She just wants to hurt your DP IMO, did he leave her? Maybe tries some lies to see what happens, ‘split up’

(sorry not read full thread but didn’t want to read and run).

NescafeAndIce · 03/08/2025 10:33

Why haven’t you contacted the police?

@Nestingbirds OP has explained at least three times what the police response has been.

Northerngirl821 · 03/08/2025 10:33

You need to get proper legal advice and manage her behaviour proactively, through the courts if necessary. The police aren’t a reliable source of advice in a situation like this. Harassment even via a third party is still harassment.

PrincessofWells · 03/08/2025 10:24

Picoloangel · 03/08/2025 09:38

That isn’t correct because a non mol would generally include a prohibition on indirect harassment which means encouraging someone else to do it. You won’t get one (because it wouldn’t be the right category of family relationship) but your DP could. This is a civil remedy. It’s a straightforward process and you wouldn’t need a lawyer.

Harassment though is a criminal offence so don’t be fobbed off by the police. She is harassing you and for proceedings to be initiated you don’t need the special category of relationship you need for a family injunction. Be firm with the police.

Also be firm the Local Authority. Her behaviour is abusive.

Show quote history

You are incorrect. She is the stepmother and is specifically given this power by Part 62, s 3(d) of the Family Law Act. Op can take action herself if she wished.

The child is being alienated and it would be entirely appropriate to take action against the mother in the form of an order that the mother be restrained from doing so to the child. That specific action should be taken by the child's father who doesn't seem to realise the extent of the problem.

PrincessofWells · 03/08/2025 10:24

Picoloangel · 03/08/2025 09:38

That isn’t correct because a non mol would generally include a prohibition on indirect harassment which means encouraging someone else to do it. You won’t get one (because it wouldn’t be the right category of family relationship) but your DP could. This is a civil remedy. It’s a straightforward process and you wouldn’t need a lawyer.

Harassment though is a criminal offence so don’t be fobbed off by the police. She is harassing you and for proceedings to be initiated you don’t need the special category of relationship you need for a family injunction. Be firm with the police.

Also be firm the Local Authority. Her behaviour is abusive.

Show quote history

You are incorrect. She is the stepmother and is specifically given this power by Part 62, s 3(d) of the Family Law Act. Op can take action herself if she wished.

The child is being alienated and it would be entirely appropriate to take action against the mother in the form of an order that the mother be restrained from doing so to the child. That specific action should be taken by the child's father who doesn't seem to realise the extent of the problem.

Sassybooklover · 03/08/2025 10:24

At this point seek legal advice from a good solicitor. If you have any evidence, or have logged incidents, you need to take this with you. The more information you can provide to a solicitor, the better they can help you. I absolutely agree that your step-child needs therapy, because the poor child is carrying a heavy burden around, that they shouldn't be carrying but more importantly, doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with. Leaving your husband is extreme and honestly I'm not sure the situation would be any better. Your husband does need to take the pressure off you, as much as he possibly can - for example only he sees the messages from his ex. However, therapy may be wise for you and your husband, either together or separate, because both of you need good mental health. A therapist can give you both strategies to help you cope.

Bonbon21 · 03/08/2025 10:17

Is the father(s) of her younger children involved with them? Could you approach him and discuss the effect she is having on his kids? Get him onside and work together?
Sorry if I have missed this info upthread...

Cannongoose · 03/08/2025 10:09

Hi OP,

im sorry to hear what you are experiencing.

Here are some suggestions that you might think about that could do something in the short term.

  1. Report her name/profile to whichever SM platforms she is using to harass you. Specify that you are the person she is threatening and/or harassing.
  2. Go back to the police and do this online so there’s a paper trail. Make a referral for a non-urgent crime. You can enter dates and specify details such as threats. Or get DH to do this.
  3. Ask Citizens Advice for guidance on harassment.
  4. Photo/screenshot any further written abusive messages to DSC.
  5. Try to ignore it by thinking you are taking action and you will not let her control your life or your happiness.
  6. Perhaps give the fraud department a call re the UC as others have suggested.
  7. Look for a solicitor that specifically deals with harassment, rather than family law as I can imagine solicitors would view the two matters as separate.
  8. If you stay with your DH ask him to come up with ideas to support DSC and minimise letting the DSC the distress it’s causing you so she’s getting less attention and less satisfaction from upsetting your family.

Now most of that is easy to say when I’m not you and while you shouldn’t have to do any of it or deal with it, it’s what I’d be doing in your shoes, I think.

I hope she’s mostly a keyboard harasser and that it’s not a real threat to you or your family but for the obvious risk that it may not be just that, I’d report any and every harassment to the police. A threat is a threat .

my only question is - are the messages you are being shown (at her insistence via DSC) not available to you independently? Ie if say on Facebook she posts something is that publicly (has she an “open” profile so that anyone can see her posts) or “just” to family/friends (hers)? I’m asking because I think a solicitor would be useful to you especially if it’s in the public domain and easily found.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 10:08

Delete all sm. Block ex in every way. Dp can message dsd without going through his ex now she's 14
. Delete any messages dsd tries to show you. Or remove her phone when she's with you /airplane mode...

Livelovebehappy · 03/08/2025 10:02

ButteredRadish · 02/08/2025 23:31

Defend you at the very least! He could go round there and read her the riot act. Make it 100% clear that he won’t put up with this bullshit and it stops now. If it doesn’t then he should be paying for a Solicitor’s letter before action or cease & desist. He should also be making it clear to Stepchild not to come running to you every time his/her mum says something mean about you, or to him when she says things about him; To only tell you when the mum is being abusive towards him/her. In other words “Whatever your mum says about me or Brokenn, we don’t want to know but if she’s hurtful towards you, absolutely approach us about it.

Edited

Agree with this. Whilst dsc feels they are helping by relaying to you what’s been said about you, it doesn’t help at all. Ex is using your dsc as her mouth piece in communication with you. Block that, and she will soon realise that this path to get info to you isn’t working anymore.

speakout · 03/08/2025 09:55

I would move out.

Op it's really up to your OH to sort this out. He knows his ex far better than you and at one point they were close enough to have a child- so she must have some redeeming features.

It is up to him to maintain a relationship with his ex that is functional enough to make sure that both children are being raised in a good environment.

He has a responsibility to sort this out. I would give him distance and you some calm while he does that.