Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

Take the money, buy the house and tell her to butt out. Also once they have given over the money it's a gift, they can't legally ask for it back.

Make sure you are on the deeds if not the mortgage

Well the first thing is to tell her why you like the house, the location, the amenities and all that it offers and why it suits you and you prefer it to a new build or whatever else.

You can then point out to her that buying a house is an emotional as well as practical and financial business. It's like choosing a husband. You have to fancy him and fall in love and want to marry him and live with him. It doesn't matter if someone shows you the greatest person on earth. Regardless of his gifts and qualities, if he doesn't appeal to you and you don't take to him personally, you can't be made to have him.

And just as you'd have to live with him, you are the ones who will have to live in the house and you cannot possibly have that decision and choice of house made by anyone else, no matter how much you love and appreciate them.
She won't be living in it. It can only be the choice of those who will.

Last, can you enlist your father or brother to put in a word for you to help soften her dictatorial tendencies on this?

On buying under your own steam, if finances are tight, consider the mortgage term. How long is it under your application / offer? Mortgages don't have to be what used to be the standard 25 years, and age limits for paying them off have gone up in many cases.
Taking out a loan over a longer term could help and would lower the monthly payments, making it easier to manage the transitional period until you get back to work in a couple of years' time. Then you could up the payments.

@FinancialThyme
You cannot be a legal owner of the house if you're not on the mortgage.
That’s not technically true in the UK. Most mortgage lenders won’t allow it but there are circumstances where it’s possible and where it happens.

You say the deposit is yours and dp gets the mortgage in his name, then you can both be on the deeds.

Tell her that you want her to accept your choice of house and be happy for you. Tell her if she can’t do that then you don’t want the money. You need to decide yourself where and how you want to live.

Because she isn’t working so is classed as a dependent. If she isn’t in the mortgage, she will be ignored. If she is on it, she won’t be.

We had the same situation with DH, who was self employed and couldn’t prove his income. So he isn’t on the deeds or mortgage.

I thought inheritance tax gets charged to the estate.

What will you do if she decides she wants some of it back though? Would you be able to afford to just find the money, too many unanswered questions.

Only if the estate is over the IHT limit though, most aren’t.

If DM were to die within seven years of making the gift, you would be liable for inheritance tax on it. Worth considering if it is tied up ina non realisable asset like a house.

The solicitor will want to know where the deposit comes from and if it's a gift will want proof. A lender won't lend if it's a loan.

It's sad really. My DS is just buying a house and I'm so thrilled for him. I gave him the deposit years ago no strings attached.

1. Do NOT accept this 'gift', too many controlling strings, not worth the hassle.
2. Absolutely make sure YOUR NAME is on the mortgage. If it isn't, they won't put it on the Deeds either. The house will be in your DH's sole name. This puts you in a vulnerable position.

Who told you about borrowing less in joint names? Your DH or the broker? You need a different broker. I know a good one if you want to PM me for his details.

When my DH & I bought our first home together, I'd just started maternity leave. My DH had attended all the mortgage appointments as he did it away where he was working. When the Land Registry documents came through to sign, I queried with our Conveyancer why my name wasn't down. I only then found out that the mortgage advisor had decided by themselves that I wasn't worthy to have my name on the mortgage because I wasn't working (I'd literally finished working the week before, and was putting down a very hefty deposit to the house). I was pretty angry and made her add me to the mortgage, which delayed the move and really pissed her off. She made me out to be difficult. She hadn't explained to my husband either that she hadn't included me on the mortgage. She made me feel worthless, despite the fact I had been earning double what my husband earned until the week before. Don't let this happen to you.

I know, I was agreeing and emphasising. You're right

That was my point. It’ll be picked up post agreement in principle and kicked back.

Bank statements etc will all show she exists.

If she is so difficult, even if she lends you the money, then she would have to comply with AML regulations. Would she happily do that?

He's supporting her whether she's on the mortgage or not. If the intention is to pretend that OP doesn't exist at all and isn't financially reliant on her DH then that's mortgage fraud. It's a criminal offence and both of them would be in huge trouble.

When we were applying for mortgages recently, we could borrow less money if I was added to the mortgage. Sounds crazy but it’s not uncommon.

My Husband is a high earner and is 3 years younger than me. I earn a lower wage part-time. Because I am 3 years older they would only offer us a mortgage with a 3 year shorter term, than if my Husband applied for the mortgage in his name only. So applying together we could borrow less, have a shorter term and have higher monthly payments! Was a no brainer for the mortgage to be in his name only.

We have been married 20 years, have children together etc……so should we ever divorce I would still be entitled to 50% of the house.

Don’t take the money, then decide if you can really afford this house, or continue to look

Just refuse the offer from your mum, and stop talking tp her about the houses you see/want until you have bought and are ready to move

Take the 50k but put it in a savings account and consider an offset mortgage so that it can reduce the interest you pay but still be there in case mil asks for it back.

This evening, tell her you want to get your paperwork in order for the house purchase. Ask her if the money is a gift with no strings attached, a loan or if she needs it back now. Whichever she picks, draw up a formal letter right there to agree the gift or loan. You need this for tax reasons anyway.

once it is written and agreed, you can hold her to the agreement. If you make a choice she doesn’t like, just say “isn’t it good that different people make different choices” or “well we can’t all be just like you”. Keep it breezy and move on.

In theory I understand what you’re saying - it lowers his borrowing because supporting 2 people on one salary is a bigger risk. However, I don’t think it’s likely he will get the mortgage through without you on it, because lenders generally like (insist) on both partners who will be living in the property to be on the mortgage. It may well be kicked back pre offer (post agreement in principle).

OP the 50k aside - you need to ensure you are on the mortgage. Otherwise you won't be a legal owner of the property and will be in a very, very vulnerable position.
Who's told you they will lend less if you are not on it? I would not trust that and would be looking for another broker.
Tbh if you plan to return to work in the next year or two I'd wait to buy a property then when a second salary can be taken into account.

Don’t buy it unless you’re on the mortgage and the deeds, for a start, are you mad?!
What your broker has said is not true. And buy it without needing your mum’s money if possible, then put her money into ISAs or other safe investment so that if she wants it back you aren’t struggling to repay, and if she doesn’t end up wanting it you could overpay the mortgage in the future.

I’d thank her for her generosity but decline the money.

She’ll never be happy with what you pick and I’d never trust that she wouldn’t ask for the money back.

It would really piss me off to think she will comment on every little thing in your home, for the sake of £50k that you can actually get elsewhere
.. Look how she's been so far and she hasn't actually lent you anything yet... She will be relentless once you do actually ask for the money, and use the money. Imagine her commenting on everything from which way the toilet roll goes, to the sofa position, to the gardening....

That £50k will stick in your throat every day for the rest of her life. Is it really worth it?
The vague threat of it now being a loan, rather than a gift Is a huge red flag. Listen to your instincts...