Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

You need to have this precise conversation with your Mum. Be respectful of course but also honest. Say you’re worried that the money could damage your relationship which you value. She does sound like a loving Mother and Grandmother in many ways but just irritating in others. This isn’t abnormal! Take the content of this thread to her directly.

A great outcome would be that she understands how her behaviour is problematic and changes, and makes it clear the money is a gift never to be repaid and she has no say in how it’s spent.

A pragmatic outcome is that you don’t take her money but can be honest about why, thus not harming your relationship.

Budget for not having her money. If she comes up with it, use it for improvements.

You need to be free to make your own decisions. She cannot manipulate you like this unless you let her. The choice is yours.

YANBU OP but this is why I have never accepted help from my ILs.

MIL wanted to pay for our wedding and I said no.

FIL wanted us to buy a bigger house with “help” and I said no.

SIL offered to loan for buying our house and I said no.

Apprentky I’m awkward 😬 but no one other myself and DH have a say over our decisions.

You will have to have a written statement given to your solicitor to explain the 50j (anti money laundering I think) - we had to do this when purchasing with a gift from a parent.

the statement makes it very clear it’s a gift and they don’t expect it back, to ensure you have affordability. So it seems like your mum isn’t going to get past this.

if I were you I’d look for houses without it as she seems like she might flip flop to control you. I’d also stop giving her so much information about your houses. Don’t involve her in it, she’s not being sensible. She’s no more of an expert then you coz you’re buying a house in these current conditions and unless she has, she doesn’t know the market etc any more than you.

but you shouldn’t put money in to a house that your name isn’t on. Make sure you get a solicitor to draw up something that covers what you would get back if you separate to protect your asset and get on the deeds.

Don’t take the money. You will have to rein in your expectations perhaps but that £50k will be brought up every two minutes if you take it.

Don't take money from her.

She is just using this as a form of control and if you buy with her money it will be a constant issue in the future.

Also mum might try and move in - don't use her money

Are you married?

Op you HAVE to be on the mortgage. You can be ‘tenants in common’ and it can declare your different inputs so even if you aren’t paying much right now if you have contributed to the joint built up deposit you can protect that.

dont let the stuff with your mum let your husband steer you away from doing this.

Your broker might be steering you away as it’s more hassle for them to set up or increases their admin.

protect YOUR contribution

I am wondering if OP has a poor credit history so her DH can borrow more if she isn't on the mortgage.

Please don’t take the money. Buy what you can afford yourselves whatever that may be. Get a fixed short term mortgage and remortgage in a couple of years when (hopefully) rates are better and you can go onto the mortgage as well. If your mum is passive aggressive now about your house choice imagine how she will be when you actually own it and ‘do things’ to make it yours, decorate, new kitchen etc. I have a friend whose father in law had a £100k steak in their home (and this was 20 years ago) and he never let them forget it. He became very difficult and unpleasant as he got older threatening to take the money back (it was some sort of trust so they never actually would owe that share either) but because they then couldn’t afford to buy him out or downsize, they were stuck. Things are better now because he has early dementia and the kids have all left home, but the damage was done and my friend has left her husband anyway. So when they sell the house and split the proceeds, a large chunk after the mortgage isn’t theirs at all. In the early days she thought it was such a good idea but now she wishes they had just bought what they could afford.

@Asbusyasabee Re the proposed £50k loan, I think the bank will request a signed statement to the effect that it’s a gift with no strings which she won’t be looking to ever recover. So would your mum even do that considering you said she sort of implied it was a gift but might need to ask for it to be repaid back to her if she ever needed it back?

I believe you can still be on the deeds if you are not on the mortgage. Please get some proper advice op - good luck

Absolutely do not take the money.

I agree with pp's, don't take the money.
Not only is she using it to control you, shes already said there's a chance she may need it back.
I'd bet your house on it that at some point she'll ask for some or all of it back, then you'll have to either increase your mortgage or get a loan.
Don't wait for that day, cut her out, you can tighten your belts for two yrs until you go back to work.
Either that or put off buying until you're back at work.
Don't let anyone have that sort of power over you and your family, especially when it comes to having a roof over your head.

Definitely do not take her money. No good will come of it.

Do not take the money. It will hang over everything, forever, if you do.

I would also seriously think again about moving closer.

I wouldn't take the money. Buy the house you want and stop expecting approval from your mother, she sounds like a real pain.

Yes to this but it would still impact the borrowing because the multiple without her is higher because it’s being run as though she doesn’t exist. So he could borrow without her (as you say with the form) but at the ceiling that would be with her. It’s reduced because he is the sole provider for 2 people not just 1. It’s nothing to do with her being a risk personally, it’s how far his salary is being stretched as he’s supporting them both.

So when they do further checks pre mortgage offer, it’ll flag that she does exist and then the multiple offered will reduce in line.

I'm sorry she is being so controlling. Parents can get that way and when they do you have to shut it down immediately. My parents were critical of nearly every house I ever bought because they didn't like that I wanted to live in a small town instead of a suburban area like them. I would just say something like; "It's a shame that you feel that way, but I'm buying it so you might as well get used to it." Then they would shut up about it, but they probably seethed with resentment a bit. Not my problem. 🤷

I would just be straight with your mother. Tell her that gifting you the money does not mean she gets to decide what house you choose, and if she thinks it does, you no longer want the money. Shut that control freak bullshit down. Don't let her get away with it because you feel indebted. The fact that it's a gift means you get to do whatever you want with it. There should never be strings attached to a gift. If there are, it's a manipulative ploy.

Most lenders will not allow this

That

my mum did the same and then blackmailed me over everything with it. Don’t take the money

I would not accept the money under the circumstances.

That’s not true, the OP would just have to sign an occupiers waiver consent form to state that in the event the borrower cannot meet their financial obligations they would not have any claim to the property and would vacant as required. Any individual over the age of 18 residing at the property are required to sign this at the point of the borrower signing the mortgage deed.

Yup. The mere thought of her hissing at you at a family party made my stomach sink. Don’t let her call the shots, it’s got disaster written all over it.