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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

166 replies

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
AmIEnough · 06/08/2025 07:47

I would try try and do this without her help to be honest as she will throw it back in your face at every opportunity by the sounds of it

ShyMaryEllen · 05/08/2025 19:29

God.

Murdoch1949 · 05/08/2025 19:12

You would be foolish to accept her money. She's already disclosed that it may be a loan not a gift, big difference. Your life will be one of being beholden to her and her whims. You will be continually worried that a row will result in 'I want my money back in 3 months'. To live your own life you need to ensure she is not holding the strings.

ShyMaryEllen · 05/08/2025 18:45

Stillatitlikerabbits · 05/08/2025 18:05

We gave our daughter £20,000 towards a house purchase and when she was applying for the mortgage we had to sign a declaration that the money was a gift, not a loan and that we would have no financial interest in the house when purchased. I suspect the OP would have the same requirement, signing that document really does clarify the situation, and if DM tries it on later you have documentary evidence of the gift. It won't solve the underlying issue though, she's looking for control, which is simply not on.

The need to declare the money as a gift not a loan has been stated many times. Filling in a Gift Confirmation Form is something I have done very recently, and others have mentioned it too, but it seems people aren't reading the thread.

The OP has spoken to her mother, who has recognised that she overstepped, but people aren't interested in that, either. They just want to talk the OP out of accepting a gift of £50k because in their opinion a woman they have never met must be a control freak and will somehow manage to claw back money that she has signed away legally.

The OP has said that the matter is sorted, she has been gifted a smaller sum, and her mother recognises that the money is a gift. This was achieved by communicating, rather than jumping to conclusions and walking away - who'd have thought it?

Stillatitlikerabbits · 05/08/2025 18:05

We gave our daughter £20,000 towards a house purchase and when she was applying for the mortgage we had to sign a declaration that the money was a gift, not a loan and that we would have no financial interest in the house when purchased. I suspect the OP would have the same requirement, signing that document really does clarify the situation, and if DM tries it on later you have documentary evidence of the gift. It won't solve the underlying issue though, she's looking for control, which is simply not on.

ClaredeBear · 04/08/2025 20:30

meganorks · 02/08/2025 21:27

Don't take the money. It's not worth it. But you might not be able to anyway. When we bought our house my PIL had gifted us some deposit money. They were required to write and sign a letter stating that the money was a gift and not expected back. I don't think you'd be able to use the money if she states it's sort of a loan, maybe, not sure, might want some back at some point, not sure when.

Edited

This is what happened when we ha e our daughter money towards a house. I suspect it’s to ensure it’s not another loan that would need servicing. Ours was always a gift.

Hopingtobeaparent · 04/08/2025 20:23

Diarygirlqueen · 02/08/2025 21:19

There's no way I would take the money from her, it'll damage your relationship. If you have no other option, I would draw up a contract and keep it formal. This takes the power away from her.

1st post nails it!

This OP!

Mrsm010918 · 04/08/2025 19:18

I voted yabu just for accepting the money.

It doesn't come with strings, it's a whole frickin harp.

Original poster
Asbusyasabee · 04/08/2025 18:38

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't updated I'm a bit shocked I've had this many replies! Just want to do 1 brief update.

Spoke to my mum, she apologised about how she spoke at the party. Turned out she doesn't really have criticism of the house (or any I know of) but it's how far my partner will have to commute. We can't win, because being near enough to my family vs his commute being under an hour gives us a very small area to look in, currently no houses in our price range. Mum said the money is a gift, we are being gifted a lot less from her than originally offered as we found a property lower in budget. We are normally close and get on, but sometimes likes to give advice when not needed, our personalities are similar in some ways and not others!

We're moving nearer to my parents and brother because they're getting on with health issues and my brother is disabled. I want to be there so if anything happens I know what to do with my brother. He's in supported living, around 20 mins from where our new house will be. Also, we've moved around a lot and want to settle, and move ASAP so we can get school applications in by January - mortgage in principle might be enough, but will check with the only local, highly rated school in September.

Spoke to my partner we'll ensure I'm on the mortgage/deeds, it'll just a be a bit tighter for a couple of years and that's ok. I'll be working by the end of the two years. Even if it means we go to a different broker etc.

OP posts:
Lavenderandclimbingrose · 04/08/2025 18:37

Diarygirlqueen · 02/08/2025 21:19

There's no way I would take the money from her, it'll damage your relationship. If you have no other option, I would draw up a contract and keep it formal. This takes the power away from her.

Don’t. I didn’t when my parents were like this. I don’t regret it. Buy your own house.

Helen483 · 04/08/2025 18:35

ohsososo · 04/08/2025 15:37

Loads of reasons. If one person doesn’t work the. They are seen as a dependent. This brings greater risk to a mortgage lender.

The debt to income ratio is worse

one person might have a lower credit score or debts.

Show quote history

Or, it's just a simple calculation, as in we will lend:

  • 3 x one person's income, or
  • 2.5 x two people's combined income (and op's income is zero)

This underlines why you should negotiate directly with the mortgage lender (to point out why the standard calculation doesn't make sense in this specific instance) rather than go through a broker (who can't bend the rules)

Moii · 04/08/2025 18:22

I'd only gift the money if my child's name was on the mortgage and deeds.

AlloaintheMiddle · 04/08/2025 16:35

ohsososo · 04/08/2025 15:37

Loads of reasons. If one person doesn’t work the. They are seen as a dependent. This brings greater risk to a mortgage lender.

The debt to income ratio is worse

one person might have a lower credit score or debts.

Show quote history

Thank you.
But the mortgage being based on the husband only doesn’t make their wife and kids disappear?
Therefore the risk doesn’t disappear.

I’m just confused considering they are married.

PrincessJasmine1 · 04/08/2025 16:04

I am on a mortgage as a SAHM, though I am self-employed and earning, but it just was quicker this way (didn't use a broker and didn't need a huge mortgage though).
As to your mom's offer, I would still take it, but repay it in many small installments. Why making life harder for yourself, just to scorn your mother. Show her you appreciate her offer and take it, but pay it back. Anytime she mentions it to anybody in the future, reply loudly that it was a loan and you are paying it back.

RCJJ · 04/08/2025 15:44

OP don’t take the money. Find a way to do this without her £50k. We had a very similar situation with my MIL, a huge song and dance about offering us an early inheritance to purchase our family home. She then criticised our house choices and viewings, wanted an update every single day, and later said we couldn’t have the money anymore unless she agreed with the purchase we went for.
The very short story is we turned the ‘gift’ down - it caused a fucking tsunami of an argument so fair warning there but were much happier for it without her endless criticisms and input. Even now, she’ll come over and critique things with our home (‘Such a shame the shops in walking distance aren’t very good’ I mean FFS) and I just go ‘well it’s a good job you’re not living here isn’t it!’ and move on!!!!!

ohsososo · 04/08/2025 15:37

AlloaintheMiddle · 02/08/2025 21:31

Sorry but why is the mortgage lower with you on it?

Loads of reasons. If one person doesn’t work the. They are seen as a dependent. This brings greater risk to a mortgage lender.

The debt to income ratio is worse

one person might have a lower credit score or debts.

Imaginethis · 04/08/2025 15:27

I can only repeat what others have already said.

i have given my DCs money for their house purchases. In both cases I had to provide a letter for the mortgage lender stating that this money was a gift and I had no further interest in it - I can’t now remember the precise wording.

If you do decide to take your mother’s money, it has to be a gift. She cannot ask for it back at some point in the future.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Snorlaxo · 04/08/2025 15:17

If you take her money you’ll have a lifetime of her moaning about the house that you’ve picked using her money.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 15:13

Ignore her. I would definitely be tempted to return her money and go low contact.

Helen483 · 04/08/2025 15:11

meganorks · 02/08/2025 21:27

Don't take the money. It's not worth it. But you might not be able to anyway. When we bought our house my PIL had gifted us some deposit money. They were required to write and sign a letter stating that the money was a gift and not expected back. I don't think you'd be able to use the money if she states it's sort of a loan, maybe, not sure, might want some back at some point, not sure when.

Edited

This.
The mortgage lender won't accept her money if it is a loan (because they insist on being the only lender). So she will have to clarify whether she is giving you the money or lending it.
Depending on how that conversation goes should make your decision clearer.

Secondly, I agree with pp who said ditch your broker and go direct to the mortgage lender.

CreteBound · 04/08/2025 14:20

Also you should be exploring how to get back to work, you are very financially vulnerable and getting bad advice from ppl close to you.

CreteBound · 04/08/2025 14:19

Holy crap!

a) Do not take your toxic mothers money
b) Under no circumstances listen to anyone who says you can’t be on mortgage or deeds that’s a HUGE risk. Get a new broker immediately and ensure you are in every conversation not just your partner. You need to advocate for yourself.

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2025 13:04

DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY!

Get a cheaper house, pay the extra, whatever but don’t take it. This will literally never end, every time you make a house alteration (decorating, new sofa, god forbid an extension) it will be disapproved of and every time you either spend money on something she disapproves of (holiday, car, new top), or fall out, she’ll be demanding her money back. It’s absolutely not worth it!

NewbieYou · 04/08/2025 13:03

Sorry but no way would I take money that she may randomly decide she wants back in cash…

PluckyChancer · 04/08/2025 12:49

You’re far too enmeshed with your mum.
At your age you shouldn’t need to be asking her advice about every little thing and you need to pull away more rather than move closer to her.