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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go on holiday on Monday

112 replies

Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:05

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont.

After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough.

My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him.

Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts.

I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here".

We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh.

He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do.

He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/08/2025 18:44

Let her go with her dad. You need the break. But you need to brief him very clearly about what’s been happening, and encourage him to talk about it.

Then you go somewhere lovely/do something lovely for yourself.

Teenagers can be vile, but that doesn't mean they’re actually vile. Flowers

Original poster
Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:43

Zanoni · 02/08/2025 18:34

I do think you should talk to her about why she feels this way, but it all doesn’t help that her dad is basically calling you a liar.
If this is just her being a stroppy brat I’d stay at home and enjoy the peace (although I’d be worried this would reinforce the daddy and princess against mean old mummy narrative)
Or I’d tell her you don’t want to spend your holiday feeling upset so seen as in her opinion you are so bad she is no longer invited.

I am worried that it will reinforce that Im an awful mum if they go and have fun.

But Im not going to guilt trip her. Ill be honest and tell her that I think we both need to have some space but Im not going to make her feel like that's completely her fault.

OP posts:
hmmimnotsurewhy · 02/08/2025 18:42

Menopants · 02/08/2025 18:18

I do think at this stage you must have to ride it out. ALL teenagers say this sort of shit. You make her feel horrible and rejected if you start taking it personally and refuse to go on holiday. Eventually they stop

Oh please, not all teens are vile pieces of shit. I’ve just spent the day with a friend who has a 13 and15yo. So so well mannered, respectful, and lovely.

i would leave this vile child at home with dh and you go have a holiday

Original poster
Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:38

Rocknrollstar · 02/08/2025 18:15

Why don’t you go with your DH and leave her at home? Have you tried talking to her and asking what is wrong? Go on a walk with her and ask.

Because you cant leave a 14yr old by herself for a week. 🤣 Even if you could, she doesnt like being left at home by herself for more than about 5 hours.

But also we'd just end up arguing about her anyway.

And Im just pissed off with him and dont want to spend a week 1:1 with him right now.

OP posts:
Zanoni · 02/08/2025 18:34

I do think you should talk to her about why she feels this way, but it all doesn’t help that her dad is basically calling you a liar.
If this is just her being a stroppy brat I’d stay at home and enjoy the peace (although I’d be worried this would reinforce the daddy and princess against mean old mummy narrative)
Or I’d tell her you don’t want to spend your holiday feeling upset so seen as in her opinion you are so bad she is no longer invited.

Original poster
Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:30

Agix · 02/08/2025 18:16

Teenagers don't get nasty for no reason, despite plenty of parents being invested in encouraging that line of thinking (because they dont want to admit their own faults or part in the nastiness, or confront the fact they're lazy).

So, you do need to think more about the dynamic, what your teens problem is, and you DO need to talk about it.

YANBU for refusing thr holiday on the circumstances, but YABU for not trying to talk about it and sort this.

She wont talk. In fact she shouts "this is why I don't tell you anything" at me regularly.

I think some of it is that I've probably not given her enough space/independence. For various reasons it's something I have struggled with but am really trying now I realised that was an issue. Shes stepped up to it and I have praised her. She told ne to stop being so patronising and sulked.

I have a crap relationship with my mum. I desperately want to do better with my daughter.

I dont think teenagers are inherently nasty. However I do think that they can just be nasty sometimes for no reason (as can everyone else).

We are in a weird dynamic and I dont know how to change it. Shes seemingly not interested in changing it. I know Im the adult so need to take responsibility for it.

OP posts:
Candlesandmatches · 02/08/2025 18:25

I didn’t have girls. But have plenty of friends who did. Any mine are now in their 20s.
But teens are hard.
Ask your husband to sit down with you. Explain factually that you need his support. Given examples of the rudeness. Calmly.
Teens need the Dads to set out the expectations sometimes. Around politeness to his wife and to you as their Mum.
Go on the holiday but agree before that you need some time to your self - a walk/afternoon to just read a book or swim or whatever helps you relax.
She can come but she doesn’t have to come out with you. She can stay at the accommodation if she wants.
But she can’t be rude. It’s unacceptable. And if she is she needs to apologize.
Teens can be hard. You need your husbands support to get through this together. If he wasn’t there then fair enough but you are his wife and facing this together is part of the deal. Does he think you would lie about what she is doing?
also don’t expect logic from her. Teens are often like huge toddlers but with a phone, more vocabulary but about the same amount of sense.

Menopants · 02/08/2025 18:18

I do think at this stage you must have to ride it out. ALL teenagers say this sort of shit. You make her feel horrible and rejected if you start taking it personally and refuse to go on holiday. Eventually they stop

Agix · 02/08/2025 18:16

Teenagers don't get nasty for no reason, despite plenty of parents being invested in encouraging that line of thinking (because they dont want to admit their own faults or part in the nastiness, or confront the fact they're lazy).

So, you do need to think more about the dynamic, what your teens problem is, and you DO need to talk about it.

YANBU for refusing thr holiday on the circumstances, but YABU for not trying to talk about it and sort this.

HardworkSendHelp · 02/08/2025 18:15

Don’t stay at home! Go on the holiday on your own and make them stay at home. I flipping hate not being backed up. What she said was done right nasty, not acceptable and you have every right to be annoyed. Your husband should have went through her for a shortcut for speaking to you like that. This shit that he wasn’t there!! You are a grown woman and hardly going to make this shit up for the craic. Big hugs OP.

Shitwithsugar · 02/08/2025 18:15

I'd not go. Let him parent his child. Maybe they will have a great time or maybe he will see what you mean.

Rocknrollstar · 02/08/2025 18:15

Why don’t you go with your DH and leave her at home? Have you tried talking to her and asking what is wrong? Go on a walk with her and ask.

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