To not go on holiday on Monday

Is your DD like this with her dad? I would not go on holiday. It's making you miserable and why should you put up with it. Why isn't your DH backing you? He's the issue too!

Hello op it's a funny age although that's no excuse but what I would say is don't react to it but instead take her aside and talk to her about it in a calm manner. Also can you leave her behind with friend or grandparents

I’m so sorry you are having to endure this. I only have sons, but I’ve heard the way their female friends talk to their mums and it’s shocking. I’d be broken if my child spoke to me like that.
My best friend also has a daughter who behaves horribly and she’s a great mum, way more patient that me.
They're a few years older now and all delightful girls, including to their mums, so try and hold on for the long term. In the meantime
i definitely think you should put yourself first. Dont go next week, treat yourself instead, you deserve it.
Try not to feel guilty about not going, you’ve done everything you can and tell your DH and DD you’re at the end of your tether. Time alone might change the dynamic between all of you.
And maybe if you can, tell them you’re so concerned about the situation you’ve posted here. They need to know how worried you are.
Good luck OP

https://amzn.eu/d/ca2vWqh this is such a good book, this too shall pass. Finding ways of communicating and understanding each other will help you both.

for now, try and go peacefully, have space from each other and ensure you have a private conversation with husband about supporting each other and being united.

The OP is at the end if her tether.

It doesn’t matter why or who did what.
It just means that, just right now, have a break from each other will do everyone a lot of good.
The dd to experience stuff wo her mum. And get the space she wants.
The OP so she can get out of overwhelm
The dh so he actually has to step up and do some f* parenting for a change. He might even get some insights (even though I’m not holding my breath)

Let them go on their own, give you and her time to think.
You say your relationship with your own mother isn't great, maybe that's the crux of it? Parents learn how to parent from their own parents, maybe delve into that and you maybe come up with why your relationship isn't great at the moment.
I was a shit teenager, said a lot of hurtful things, but I had undiagnosed nd and in the early eighties no one knew that.

I think you ignore her remarks and go on the holiday. Kicking off is what they do. You have to rise above it.

A week at home without a stroppy teen would be seductive. A break from each other can do some good.

Having issues does not mean they get to be rude to you and not get backed up by the other parent. No way I'd willingly put myself through a holiday of that crap. They'll be alright on their own.

Look after yourself OP.

You honestly are not alone. Some teens or most teens go through this stage and whilst they can appear lovely to others they are often dreadful to mums. At several recent family celebrations several people sang her praises and made a point of saying what a lovely girl she was etc etc. I could hardly believe they were speaking about my daughter.

Please just ignore any unhelpful posters saying how perfect a parent they are and blaming you etc.

I think you're absolutely right. If you stay home they will be fine and it will support DDs narrative that's its you. Far better to go and your H can at least see for himself how it plays out between you. You have this to deal with all the time anyway, so its nothing you're not used to, and at least you get a change of scene in a place you want to be, and can walk off for some solo time to enjoy it if it gets too bad. Go, but with your expectations of DD at rock bottom so you wont be disappointed.

Exactly this.

Yanbu! Take a break girl, you deserve it

A wet lettuce of a husband who doesn't back me up would make me wanna leave - is he her dad?

Teenagers are shite tbh, they terrify me, but tou shouldn't be feeling this worn down - its a phase and she will grow out of it. But for now its time for dh to do some parenting and give you a lovely break at home xx

Do you really think they’ll have an amazing time together if he is never spending time with her and his biggest issue with you not coming is that he’ll have to do the solo parenting for a week?

I would have a chat with her abd tell her that you feel you need some time apart. That you want her to enjoy her hols so you feel it’s a good compromise.

Re talking to her.
Yes ofc it’s a great idea. And ofc you realising you didn’t give her enough independence etc… is great. And so is realising your relationship with your mum isn’t great and maybe you’ve replicated stuff you did NOT want to replicate. But all of that take time. Talk about months and months. Not a few days.

To be honest, it might not be a bad thing for her to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable and it is her fault.

I was the most awful teenager imaginable… said and did some terrible things, but I stopped when my mother decided to put up boundaries, stopped engaging with my nonsense and nastiness and told me bluntly she didn’t want to spend time with me as I was an unpleasant character and she didn’t enjoy my company. I was forced to have a good look at myself and reflect on my behaviour. She was right, and everything she said was true. And my dad backed her up, which was vitally important. I couldn’t play one parent off against the other. I decided to make a conscious effort to improve myself and speak decently to her from that point onwards. Now, I thank her for it - she was being my mother, not my friend, and she refused to allow me to behave in a way that made her dislike me. And we’ve had a great relationship since.

Let them go together (do something nice for you). Ask Dh to see if he can get to the bottom of why she’s so angry at you but be prepared that she either doesn’t know or because she’s a teenage girl who’s mum can’t even breathe without pissing her off.

OP you have my sympathies. Its not you its her she is unhappy for whatever reason and is taking it out on you. Also growing up and pushing boundaries.

There is a good poem on here something about holding onto the rope or similar which might help if you search.

Hopefully she will come back to you sometime soon. Also it could be hormones, she could be hangry is she doesn’t eat regularly, she could be a bit Neuro diverse or could be worried about GCSE’s, friendships, boys etc etc. But none of that is your fault.

Please go on holiday don’t cut off your nose to spite your face as they say take books, headphones and comfy trainers to go for walk if things take a turn for the worse.

I have a daughter like this but she is older than yours and she can be absolutely dreadful to me (rude, snappy, snarly, sarcastic, shouty you name it). I know how much it can affect you and how it can get you down. Mine is at University so we only see her in the holidays but she has been home since May and the crux is now she is bored and fed up I also think she may be affected by hormones, hanger, possibly a little Neuro Diversity and worries of her own (which she won’t talk to me/us about whether we walk, drive, go for a milk shake, spa day, nothing works).

Briefly mine can sometimes be nice, funny and pleasant (and whilst she is like this more of the time than she was previously this doesn’t usually last long and we never know when she is going to erupt). Last week I was close to tears a couple of times and dreaded going home from work also I am menopausal exercise helps me as does a moan and a laugh with good friends. Mine is less vile to her dad my husband than to me but she can also be absolutely lovely to other people too. I just get the short straw.

Keep smiling OP.

She had picked up on the fact you and hubby aren’t parenting as a team, and it has caused her to play up.
You need to actually parent rather than throw your toys out of the pram, you have just shoe. Her she has a paddy she gets her own way.
Get yourselves booked on to parenting courses.

@hmmimnotsurewhy I presume from your post you don't have teenagers or your own? if you met my 13 and 15 year old you would find them delightful, polite company. At home they can be both incredibly rude and unpleasant to me behind closed doors.

OP you have my sympathy, I am in the trenches with this too right now. I don't know what the answer is (though I suspect you will end up going, as would I!) but take heart from the many, many people who tell me their well parented kids go through this stage and come out the other end just fine!

The husband has sort of brought a solo parenting holiday on himself by wanting to be good cop and backing his DD over his DW!

I totally empathize with you Op. I would be tempted to stay home rather that grin and bare it for the week. I love my teen girls but they can turn on a dime without warning or reason. They can cut you to the core with their words and hurt you like no one else. My mum always says' it's because you're their safe space' I get it but it hurts. Hang in there and have a frank talk to your partner.

Your DH needs to get onboard and back you up. He needs to ensure he backs you up and that it’s unacceptable to treat you like that.

I disagree, some teens can just be horrid, they often take it out on those they feel safe with and trust ie you .

I’d leave them to it and have a week by yourself to decompress

OP, this sounds really hard. I feel for you and if you decide to go on holiday then you will need quite a bit of space to be on your own and with your DH.
There is one point that stands out from your post. You mention day trips. My DS of similar age has basically refused jolly family day trips since age 13. We do not organise days out as a family - we have another teen too.
He is just too grumpy a bugger for full days out so outings have to be short and sweet. Think no more than 2 or 3 hours. For example:

• a meal somewhere appealing to teens (ie pizza)
• gym followed by a coffee or whatever
• A walk at a woods/lake but by no means a long hike
• Ice skating, but this needs to be with a friend too

Look, he sees how horrible she has to you and he doesn't want her to be horrible to him so he backs her instead of you. It's really wrong of him.

I don't see anything wrong with saying that you don't want to go on holiday and you want a break on your own. You can have this you are sure they will have a lovely time because your doors will be nice to him so that he thinks you are in the wrong. Show them both that you know exactly what's going on and wave them goodbye and have a really lovely week on your own!