To not go on holiday on Monday

Theteenandme · 2025-08-02T17:05:11+00:00

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont. After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough. My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him. Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts. I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here". We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh. He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do. He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

Ginseng1 · 04/08/2025 19:01

hmmimnotsurewhy · 02/08/2025 18:42

Oh please, not all teens are vile pieces of shit. I’ve just spent the day with a friend who has a 13 and15yo. So so well mannered, respectful, and lovely.

i would leave this vile child at home with dh and you go have a holiday

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Tbh most teen girls imo appear 'delightful' with other adults. my own DD who can be horrible to me (in particular) but also her dad is sweetness & light to everyone else!!

Ka1eChip · 04/08/2025 18:57

Theteenandme · 04/08/2025 10:36

They left this morning. I feel a bit sad now Im back in an empty house (and am feeling a bit teary) but I am planning on spending the next week locked away in the quiet and not talking to anyone apart from the cat. I am completely peopled out and mentally exhausted. A friend asked me out for tea and Ive said no.

I told my daughter that I thought we'd benefit from a few days away from each other. I told her that I loved her very much and that she'd have a lovely time with her Dad. She agreed.

She was a bit subdued this morning but I dont think she cares all that much that Im not going. She wont even notice when they are off doing their thing.

Funnily, it turns out that her friend is going to the same place so they've arranged to meet up for an afternoon. They meet up regularly but she is more excited about that than anything else.

Hopefully when they get back we'll all be recharged and have better attitudes towards each other.

The uniform shopping was because it's a new school and has odd trousers so she needed to try them on and we didnt have time to order them, return them and order some more. There is only one shop that stocks them so it wasnt meant to take as long as it did. If it was the same uniform that she has been wearing, Id have just bought them without her. Uniform shopping is soul destroying for everyone so I wouldnt have made her do it unless we had to.

Day trip wise, she has actually asked to go to some of the places with me. It's not just me dragging her out. The last trip we did, I also took one of her friends. Ive already said no more day trips this holiday because of her attitude. I had planned a couple so am a bit disappointed but never mind. I think the people who said it's the end of day trips were probably right.

Try to enjoy the time alone. Is she struggling with her MH at all? I only ask because sometimes teens lash out when struggling and often to the person they feel the safest with.

If it helps we had some truly dreadful years with my daughter and I got the entire brunt of it. She was under CAMHs and lovely to all the professionals and her dad but hideous to me. I ended up having a lot of support to cope with it so I hear you!

If it helps my daughter is now 20 and a complete joy. We have a relationship I never ever dreamt we’d have. Make sure you look after you and listen with empathy to her if you can. You will come out the other side. ❤️

snemrose · 04/08/2025 18:55

Well done op. Lots of self care for you this week.

Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 18:39

Teenage girls (often)are the worst. You are doing your best and they rebel against mums like nothing else
Can you and husband go away and send daughter to grandparents? Or just you go away somewhere nice , have a good break. You do need the support of your DH. She's playing one off against the other

Mine was a horrid teenager , hold your nerve ... She honestly is such a lovely woman and we have a great relationship now

Just a couple of years to go :)

MarySueSaidBoo · 04/08/2025 18:17

Well done OP, I think you made a good decision. Let yourself unwind... ready for the onslaught of when they get back.

Parenting teenagers isn't for the feint hearted. But it does get better. I had 3 very obnoxious and difficult teenage girls at one point - now as young adults, they're divine to be with and I'm so very proud of them all.

Tiswa · 04/08/2025 12:56

@Theteenandme so there has been things going on then.

my advice take this time to reset on both sides and now figure out how to rebuild - maybe do some smaller trips first together - do you go on walks etc whst does she want to do?

it isn’t easy particularly if school stuff gets in involved

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 12:12

Well done OP.
Good decision.
Space is good.
Drop the rope with her.
Sh wants space, so give it to her.

You badly need this break too.
Don't waste it feeling guilty.
Sometimes we need a break.

Your husband is a disgrace not backing you up so stop doimg shit for him.

Leave him to stuff.

Tidy the house today and have a week of enjoying it.

Hormones are raging in her, and perhaps you too.
But we are not our families emotional punching bag.

Stop giving your everything to them.
Mind yourself too.

Justdontknowhow · 04/08/2025 12:02

Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:38

Because you cant leave a 14yr old by herself for a week. 🤣 Even if you could, she doesnt like being left at home by herself for more than about 5 hours.

But also we'd just end up arguing about her anyway.

And Im just pissed off with him and dont want to spend a week 1:1 with him right now.

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I also laughed out loud at that comment , just leave your 15 year old alone there for the week 😂😂 I have teens but no girl teens and from many friends with girls you don’t seem alone 😒
Id say you prob have to ride it out a bit although your dhs behaviour is so annoying!!

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/08/2025 11:57

@Theteenandme not a chance I’d go .
He doesn’t back you up so there has to be consequences. On him .
You need a break .
she has copied her father .

Long term I’d tell husband if he doesn’t change your leaving . I mean your Dd has a problem with you so he can solo parent then . Not like she is a baby .

Original poster

Theteenandme · 04/08/2025 11:23

Tiswa · 04/08/2025 10:55

What happens on the day trips? I still do it with mine and she is older (we are going to the theatre this evening) and it is a balance of her with her friends and her and me and family.

if she wants to go on them what happens on them?

and is it a move from middle to high school or a complete change of school.

because I actually think my kids are right we can get into a victim mentality with this (it said jokingly) and I can see it here - there are no victims just a mother and daughter struggling with the start of the changeover and communicating badly with each other and one of them currently ill equipped to handle it

Changing schools. It is her choice and the right thing for her but obviously there is a lot of emotion in doing that and it is a big change for her. She is very enthusiastic but it is scary (even if she wont admit to it) and she has said goodbye to a lot of her friends at her current school which is upsetting (she wont admit to that either!).

It also means she has chosen to give up a hobby that she has done for about 5 years. It was probably the right time for that anyway but again, big change and more goodbyes.

We do think she will be happier there because her old school wasnt right for her. We think a lot of her behaviour was linked to school so are keeping our fingers crossed (very tightly) that we'll start to see our lovely girl come back over the next few months.

They had a team building type day a few weeks ago to get to know your cohort. She came home beaming. We've not seen that in a long time.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 04/08/2025 10:55

What happens on the day trips? I still do it with mine and she is older (we are going to the theatre this evening) and it is a balance of her with her friends and her and me and family.

if she wants to go on them what happens on them?

and is it a move from middle to high school or a complete change of school.

because I actually think my kids are right we can get into a victim mentality with this (it said jokingly) and I can see it here - there are no victims just a mother and daughter struggling with the start of the changeover and communicating badly with each other and one of them currently ill equipped to handle it

Original poster

Theteenandme · 04/08/2025 10:36

They left this morning. I feel a bit sad now Im back in an empty house (and am feeling a bit teary) but I am planning on spending the next week locked away in the quiet and not talking to anyone apart from the cat. I am completely peopled out and mentally exhausted. A friend asked me out for tea and Ive said no.

I told my daughter that I thought we'd benefit from a few days away from each other. I told her that I loved her very much and that she'd have a lovely time with her Dad. She agreed.

She was a bit subdued this morning but I dont think she cares all that much that Im not going. She wont even notice when they are off doing their thing.

Funnily, it turns out that her friend is going to the same place so they've arranged to meet up for an afternoon. They meet up regularly but she is more excited about that than anything else.

Hopefully when they get back we'll all be recharged and have better attitudes towards each other.

The uniform shopping was because it's a new school and has odd trousers so she needed to try them on and we didnt have time to order them, return them and order some more. There is only one shop that stocks them so it wasnt meant to take as long as it did. If it was the same uniform that she has been wearing, Id have just bought them without her. Uniform shopping is soul destroying for everyone so I wouldnt have made her do it unless we had to.

Day trip wise, she has actually asked to go to some of the places with me. It's not just me dragging her out. The last trip we did, I also took one of her friends. Ive already said no more day trips this holiday because of her attitude. I had planned a couple so am a bit disappointed but never mind. I think the people who said it's the end of day trips were probably right.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/08/2025 09:58

Your husbands comments would infuriate me, just seen your update to 'I wasn't there' with him also saying 'there are two sides to every story' (yes but an adults side is likely more realistic than a sulky dramatic hormonal teen). He is basically calling you a liar and allowing a very odd dynamic to develop. Does he not acknowledge his part in this?

If you're not sure what to do about the holiday why don't you ask her. Say to her that you know that she hasn't been very happy spending time with you recently, she deserves a nice break and you don't want it to go wrong, does she think it would be best if you stayed at home which you're happy to do, or go along but put some stuff in place for gow you get along.

BIWI · 04/08/2025 09:39

The amount of victim blaming on here is truly awful. Those of you who either don’t have children yet, or don’t have teenagers should simply not be on this thread with your ‘advice’ and ‘words of wisdom’.

Those of you who have teenagers who don’t display this kind of behaviour - well, lucky you. Listen to other posters who do have teenagers like this, and perhaps show them a bit of empathy and sympathy?

I have two DCs, both boys - one was great the other was not so. So nothing to do with their sex, or upbringing, as they were both the same.

BIWI · 04/08/2025 09:37

Theteenandme · 03/08/2025 08:53

Taking on board everyone's comments, Im not going to go on the holiday.

Big disclaimer being that it depends on whether the train tickets were bought with my rail card because if they were I need to go or they wont be valid.

TBH @Theteenandme if the tickets were bought on your card, I’d be cancelling those (you can usually get a pretty full refund) and get your DH to re-buy the ones that they will need.

Smallsalt · 04/08/2025 00:23

Agix · 02/08/2025 18:16

Teenagers don't get nasty for no reason, despite plenty of parents being invested in encouraging that line of thinking (because they dont want to admit their own faults or part in the nastiness, or confront the fact they're lazy).

So, you do need to think more about the dynamic, what your teens problem is, and you DO need to talk about it.

YANBU for refusing thr holiday on the circumstances, but YABU for not trying to talk about it and sort this.

Yeah. They do

Charltonstrek · 04/08/2025 00:19

Sally690 · 03/08/2025 19:40

Three things i love about this OP.

One is that you instantly defend your dd when someone suggests she is vile. The second is that you say that you might not go on the week away but you're not going to guilt or blame your dd for it. Thirdly that you have a difficult relationship with your mum and really don't want that with your dd.

I think dd is growing up and starting to feel the need to break away from you and assert her independence. I think she is lashing out a bit as part of that process. You say you've started to realise this and are putting some things in place so she can be more independent - I think that is a really, really good idea. Don't worry that she doesn't appreciate you complimenting her when she does it well, a lot of people are not very comfortable with compliments. DS says exactly the same to me and at 19 (and ND) he's still in the 'growing away' stage and finds everything I say annoying or patronising.

I don't think she wants to go on day trips with her mum any more OP, that might be a big part of the issue. Let her go to town and buy her own clothes, if it's just school uniform then get it yourself online or don't drag her around with you.

I would be looking at her future now - what can she be doing that will make her more independent and also improve her chances as she gets older. Think about her getting a part time job, doing some voluntary work, hobbies that will feed into her career or build other skills.

She's at an awkward age OP and I'd put it all down to that. Pile on the independence in an encouraging, positive way and find maybe just one thing that she really likes doing and enjoys doing with you. Step back from the rest and encourage her to do things for herself with your support and guidance if needed.

I think she's going to be just fine OP. Stay calm with her and just calmly point out 'you're being rude' if that's what she's doing then move on. No need for it to ever escalate beyond that.

Yes that shows deep love and care for your child and I don't blame op for defending her teen.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/08/2025 23:58

pinenuts75 · 03/08/2025 09:48

Couldn’t have said it better myself, the only thing that worked with my son was to ignore him, but it was extremely difficult to do.

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Isn't it just!

Sally690 · 03/08/2025 19:40

Three things i love about this OP.

One is that you instantly defend your dd when someone suggests she is vile. The second is that you say that you might not go on the week away but you're not going to guilt or blame your dd for it. Thirdly that you have a difficult relationship with your mum and really don't want that with your dd.

I think dd is growing up and starting to feel the need to break away from you and assert her independence. I think she is lashing out a bit as part of that process. You say you've started to realise this and are putting some things in place so she can be more independent - I think that is a really, really good idea. Don't worry that she doesn't appreciate you complimenting her when she does it well, a lot of people are not very comfortable with compliments. DS says exactly the same to me and at 19 (and ND) he's still in the 'growing away' stage and finds everything I say annoying or patronising.

I don't think she wants to go on day trips with her mum any more OP, that might be a big part of the issue. Let her go to town and buy her own clothes, if it's just school uniform then get it yourself online or don't drag her around with you.

I would be looking at her future now - what can she be doing that will make her more independent and also improve her chances as she gets older. Think about her getting a part time job, doing some voluntary work, hobbies that will feed into her career or build other skills.

She's at an awkward age OP and I'd put it all down to that. Pile on the independence in an encouraging, positive way and find maybe just one thing that she really likes doing and enjoys doing with you. Step back from the rest and encourage her to do things for herself with your support and guidance if needed.

I think she's going to be just fine OP. Stay calm with her and just calmly point out 'you're being rude' if that's what she's doing then move on. No need for it to ever escalate beyond that.

Menopants · 03/08/2025 18:26

hmmimnotsurewhy · 02/08/2025 18:42

Oh please, not all teens are vile pieces of shit. I’ve just spent the day with a friend who has a 13 and15yo. So so well mannered, respectful, and lovely.

i would leave this vile child at home with dh and you go have a holiday

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You are talking about a child. This behaviour can come from all sort of places. I can’t believe you would call a child a vile piece of shit you need to really examine yourself

Tiswa · 03/08/2025 10:56

And they need a safe space a space to let out emotions that tends to be home - if mine are good at school and friendships occasionally needing to let it out at home is normal

Tiswa · 03/08/2025 10:52

Having talked to a professional about this it is important to take stock about our reactions and how they can be perceived and how often these things can grow.

It is also important to note this isn’t about and never should be about apportioning blame because often these things spiral and both sides are caught in the negative trajectory downwards.

Shouting is just one form of negative communication there are many others and I can see them in the description of how you were that in trying not to shout other negative forms of expression came out. I suspect you may well have been in a shouting household and hate it so don’t do it not realising that in doing so you come across as a different form of angry and passive aggressive

Teenagers are hard mine is 16 and a lot like me. We work in the assumption that sometimes we will get in each others nerves and a open form of communication including arguing might follow particularly in stressful situations but we apologise

I think as well you hinted at maybe holding her back open conversations a bit about what you are both comfortable with

StasisMom · 03/08/2025 10:38

So sorry OP, this sounds very hard indeed. My DD was a horror at that age but is 20 in a few days and honestly, is 100% better. My point is, they do improve. If you have to go on the holiday, I’d maybe just be a little distant, but I don’t mean cold and very much pick your battles. Re DH, I wouldn’t be pleased, men all seem to want a quiet life but he’s fanning the flames by not supporting you. Whatever happens next week, I hope it goes as well as possible for you.

Cannedlaughter · 03/08/2025 10:35

Hi. There’s a really good book called ‘get out my life, but first take me and Alex into town’
it explains what is happening to a teen brain and why they do these things.
like all stages we go through, some display / feel it more than others. So someone saying my child doesn’t do it because I do X, Y and Z is often not because of that it’s because their child isn’t reacting to the hormone imbalance as strongly as yours. However we do end up reacting to the situation, me included.
The book helped me enormously, I got what was happening and the tips worked. The grumpiness doesn’t go away but our house turned into a home again.
let them go, buy the book, drink coffee and wine and recharge.

AbzMoz · 03/08/2025 10:22

Either everyone goes on the holiday or no one does, surely.

Regardless of when you’re at home or away, your DH needs to back you up. I wonder if you get all the bad cop scenarios (like buying uniform or requesting chores). Could you flip it so DH makes the parenting requests… I suspect DD will end up moaning to you that DH is now being unreasonable to her.

i wonder if you and DH are aligned on what’s ‘allowed’ - drinking, partners, swearing, fashion, etc… or if DD just plays you off against each other?