Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

336 replies

GazerJame · 02/08/2025 13:53

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/08/2025 20:27

gannett · 02/08/2025 13:57

Do you not have any control over what food you give him. Why don't you just say no? I'm so confused that this random child keeps demanding food and you keep just giving it to him?

This.

And if he's helping himself, put the snacks up high where only you can reach them.

PurpleChrayn · 04/08/2025 20:22

Why do people find it so difficult to say no?? You’re the adult here.

MacroBetty · 04/08/2025 20:15

Doesn’t sound like this is pure greed - he genuinely sounds very hungry and I wonder what is happening with food at home. I would actually mention this to the school. And I would have extra pasta or rice cooked so he could have as much as he wanted. But I would be strict with the snacks

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2025 20:10

As he is 7. How does he get home. Does mum collect ? Do you drop off ?

can you then speak to mum

Hotflushesandchilblains · 04/08/2025 19:57

Why would you not discuss this with his parents?

FancyCatSlave · 04/08/2025 19:54

I’d be flagging it to the safeguarding lead at school, just in case there are issues at home.

There are so many children who are hungry at home and it’s often missed. I’d want to be very sure he isn’t hungry before refusing food. I have a friend that teaches primary and there are lots of children that don’t eat much at all in the holidays as they only have free school meals.

But you can change the snacks and food offer to something very cheap and see how that impacts things.

independentfriend · 04/08/2025 19:42

The child is a guest and it's generally impolite to refuse a guest food. Children are people too. (Though yes, an adult would be unlikely to ask for thirds of dinner and would have better manners).

I think feeding him something filling first like Weetabix and allowing time for that to settle so he feels less hungry before you get to dinner is a plan.

He needs protein with the carbs - peanut or other nut butter on toast, cheese, cheap bacon etc to fill him.

Buffs · 04/08/2025 19:07

Make cheap nourishing food when he visits. Surely you can stretch to second helpings of pasta and rice pudding? Impose limits on expensive snacks.

Pessismistic · 04/08/2025 19:06

Hi op you need to speak his mother yes he can come around then go home for tea. I would also ask her how his appetite is at home just be honest with her tell her he has x amount of snacks then food but he asks for 2nd and thirds which is a lot more than my dc eats plus desert and your concerned you might be over feeding him. He might just like food, or could just be a greedy one or he’s not getting enough at home but this isn’t your problem I’m not saying he should be starved but if his mum is working she is more than likely feeding him. You can’t skint yourself for somebody else’s kid.

Summertimesun · 04/08/2025 18:51

This was me as a child. I was actually a little overweight because I stole food but I was underfed at home. My mum made tiny ultra healthy meals and they had no other food available, I was starving.
You’d never have known from looking at my home or parents especially with their professions but they have since acknowledged they didn’t feed my siblings and I enough.
Please give him cheap bits to fill him up, you just never know what’s going on

Bleachedlevis · 04/08/2025 18:35

Trishyb10 · 04/08/2025 18:16

Could be down to the parents, i have seen padlocked kitchen cupboards before and kids massively rationed and told no all the time, he,s probably delighted to get to your house, so hold judgement til you onow more and home situation x

Omg! Padlocks? Where did you see this? Are you a social worker? That’s awful. 😢

Calliopespa · 04/08/2025 18:32

Murdoch1949 · 03/08/2025 18:06

When they arrive in from school give them a drink, fruit and one treat type biscuit. Say 'that's it until tea time' and stick to it. Then load him up with pasta, rice or potatoes, veg and a normal portion of protein. The carbs are cheap to give him extra. State 'no seconds'. Your house, your food, your decision. Try to ease the friendship off before he's a teenager, he'll be a nightmare then. He's probably got a tapeworm.

eww...

Bleachedlevis · 04/08/2025 18:23

Try to find out more about his home situation. I was landed with feeding my son’s friends years ago when I was a single parent so I appreciate what you’re saying.
Meanwhile, why not make the same filling first course/starter every time he comes? for example, a tin of soup with small pasta shapes added. Very filling when served hot as it has to be eaten slowly!
My DS ( now 40+) had a friend who often hung around at tea time. I fed him and my DS seemed relieved. Turned out his parents were big drinkers and often failed to make proper meals. In the end, he virtually lived with us for the whole summer holidays.
I quickly learned to serve big starters like hot garlic bread and plenty of chips/mashed potatoes with the main meal.
Sorry about my long response, OP. Good 🌺

Trishyb10 · 04/08/2025 18:16

Could be down to the parents, i have seen padlocked kitchen cupboards before and kids massively rationed and told no all the time, he,s probably delighted to get to your house, so hold judgement til you onow more and home situation x

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/08/2025 18:05

GazerJame · 02/08/2025 13:53

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

YABU. Unless the kid is obese, don’t deny food. It’s a couple of times a week and no other issues. Just serve cheap food all the time like pasta. It doesn’t break the bank twice a week and it’s worth it for the entertainment and happiness of your own child. Plus you don’t know if there’s a backstory like the others have suggested or if the child isn’t comfortable eating at school and doesn’t eat very well there. My children tend not to eat a whole lot at school and wolf down a lot at home, especially one of them.

Spinachpastapicker · 04/08/2025 17:31

ExtraFatFatBall · 02/08/2025 16:52

Ah. The weekly "big fat kids who eat and eat" thread. Who is going to do the "greedy bastard husband eats all my sweets thread"?

OP if you're a real person. And that's a big if, feed the kid if he's hungry. If you're on the breadline and can't afford a giant bag of pasta from ASDA for 2 quid you probably shouldn't be inviting people over. If you can't tell a child "no" you probably shouldn't be asking them over either.

As for those who thinks you shouldn't get food in for visiting children, what's wrong with you? Who doesn't feed guests and get food in when they know they will be in at mealtimes?

He’s not like an occasional dinner guest - he’s there a few times a week eating everything he can get.
That’s quite a burden on a family budget.
OP is perfectly entitled to say one portion is enough - if he doesn’t like it, he can go home and ask for more there!

DeLaRuiz · 04/08/2025 16:10

MibsXX · 03/08/2025 16:00

Because most of the replies center on oh just feed them, how could you not blah blah, it's not always that straightforward sadly

Show quote history

I totally get it, I got told off as a child for giving a snack to a friend. We couldn’t afford it. And we didn’t have food banks then. If you ain’t got it, you can’t give it!

Murdoch1949 · 03/08/2025 18:06

When they arrive in from school give them a drink, fruit and one treat type biscuit. Say 'that's it until tea time' and stick to it. Then load him up with pasta, rice or potatoes, veg and a normal portion of protein. The carbs are cheap to give him extra. State 'no seconds'. Your house, your food, your decision. Try to ease the friendship off before he's a teenager, he'll be a nightmare then. He's probably got a tapeworm.

MJ1980 · 03/08/2025 17:27

Why dont you see if you can have a bit of a conversation with him next time hes round and ask about foods he eats at home etc to get an idea of how things are

UpMyself · 03/08/2025 16:31

Not feeding hungry guests is one thing, but the boy is at OP's several times a week, and is requesting an inordinate amount of food.

A 7-yr old doesn't need 2 or 3 snacks, three bowls of pasta and then cake.

One snack, a bowl of pasta and cake is fine.

Notabikerchick · 03/08/2025 16:16

Not feeding hungry guests is incredibly stingy. Buy less snacks/ say no to snacks and let them have a decent meal!

UpMyself · 03/08/2025 16:08

Feeding him is one thing, but feeding 3 meals in one sitting is not right. That one is on the OP. She should say no.

MibsXX · 03/08/2025 16:00

DeLaRuiz · 03/08/2025 13:24

How do you mean..”shames”? If you can’t afford it, that’s that. On to the next solution. What has “ shame” got to do with it?!

Show quote history

Because most of the replies center on oh just feed them, how could you not blah blah, it's not always that straightforward sadly

DeLaRuiz · 03/08/2025 13:24

MibsXX · 02/08/2025 19:02

See, this is the sort of post that just shames a poorer family, those things you mention above were ( and still are) luxury items for my shopping list! Also stating such and such is affordable...not when your budget is already tighter than, well you get the idea!

If this was me, then someone (me) would have to be missing even more meals every week to accommodate ( which I would if a child was genuinely going without). I'd cope for maybe twice a week and be ensuring child went home the other days ( depending on how friendly my child was with them)

Show quote history

How do you mean..”shames”? If you can’t afford it, that’s that. On to the next solution. What has “ shame” got to do with it?!

CactusSammy · 03/08/2025 11:44

ClareBlue · 02/08/2025 22:43

This attitude is so prevalent on here and it's just down right sad. Not their responsibility, why should they, dont put yourself out, let council do it, school do it, teacher do it, bla bla bla. Not every thing is about who exactly has responsibility, somethings are just about doing something to help or make things a bit better because you can. A hungry 7 year old. Feed them if you are in a position to do it. If you really can not, then tell them or make sure they are not there for meals.

Show quote history

I agree. It's a kid, might not be your responsibility, but why not help them if you are able to?