Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

I'd cut the grandparents' decision-making out of this. "We've loved this tradition and plan to keep it up. With that in mind, we are now taking over booking and paying so that we bring along the next generation and hopefully the generation after them. This is the place DB and I are booking for this year, we thought you'd like this room downstairs so you have access to the terrace, but if you prefer the annexe let us know. Hope you can come xxx"

I can see both points of view.

For the grandparents, they’re paying a lot of money for a family holiday, which is a tradition they want to continue. They’re old, may not have many years left, and want this one week with their children and grandchildren. Having grandchildrens’ partners there will change the dynamic, making it more of a “group” holiday than a “family” one.

On the other hand, the grandchildren are adults, not kids. They have partners who they love, and presumably have limited annual leave from work, so want to spend their leisure time with their partners. They probably feel that their partners should be included in the same way that their grandparents’ DIL and SIL have been.

It’s difficult. I think on balance, whilst I understand the grandkids wanting their partners there, I’d be asking them to go along with their grandparents’ wishes. It’s only one week a year, and realistically will probably only happen a handful more times.

Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend

He needs to ask them outright if this is the case.
If it's true, in your DBro and SIL's shoes I would be refusing to go in solidarity with my DD and her DP of 6 years. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same in your shoes, to support my DN. I have a gay nephew and I wouldn't enjoy a family holiday knowing his long-term partner had been excluded.

You will get a lot of posters telling you that because GP's are footing the bill they are entitled to impose any rules and conditions they please. Personally, if their 'generosity' comes with so many strings I wouldn't want it. I certainly wouldn't turn a blind eye to homophobia for the sake of a free week away.

I’m already astounded that they are going on this kind of holiday without their partners of 5+ years.

I don't think the partners have to be invited and anyone is free not to go if that's not okay. Why can't they have a holiday without their partners? I can see at 80 they'd think only spouses should be invited and I'd also be wary of saying partners can come as presumably that could end up including more short term partners IYSWIM eg if your DD started seeing someone and thought it fair to bring him, I can see why the grandparents wouldn't want to open it up that way.

If that's the case how come OPs DH is invited then?

Either you include the whole family as it grows or you lose the family you had. I wouldn't go on holidays without my partner. What happens when the grandkids have their own kids?

You have to accept children growing up and starting their own families. They may be "the kids" to your parents but they are full grown adults with their own families and need treating as such.

What if the dgc get married or have kids would they still have to go solo. I wouldn’t go if my partner wasn’t invited and I wouldn’t go if I thought my dd was being treated differently due to her choice of partner.

I agree with this. They've had a good run of it if the kids have been going this long but the holiday was unlikely to continue in the same format forever. I wouldn't get into a big argument about it. You've made a suggestion regarding a bigger house. Your parents don't want to do that. Fine. But the adult grandkids shouldn't feel obliged to go on holiday without partners if they don't want to.

And they probably will decline it. I wouldn’t want to use some of my annual leave on a holiday where I couldn’t take my long term girlfriend.

The grandparents want time together with their actual family and are paying for it.

But they are inviting some people that aren’t “their actual family” - the partners of their children. It’s just the partners of their grandchildren they don’t seem to want to invite.

Neither position is unreasonable. The grandparents want time together with their actual family and are paying for it. If they don't want to include partners of their grandchildren, that's fine.

The adult grandchildren are free to choose whether to go or not. They might like time with family, they probably prefer time with partners so will opt out.

I wouldn't assume homophobia, just not being arsed to get to know new people.

Since my niece started bringing her partner to family events we've stopped going so much because he's a right berk. People eventually voted with their feet in either direction.

They are at an age where they might start their own families soon, would the grandparents allow them to bring their children but still say no to partners

Are you one of the GP?

I think if someone lives with their partner it’s rude to leave them out.

If no partners are included, then shouldn’t OP’s partner also be uninvited?

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, especially as they are willing to pay. Who in their 20s and 30s would want to use a whole week of leave with their grandparents and parents while leaving their partner at home. If I was the adult children, I'd either go but stay in my own accommodation, or not go on the trip.

This.

Do the partners even want to go?! Nothing worse than holidaying with someone else's family.

Dd's bf came with us last year for the first time. He added more to our trip. He's a lovely bloke.. Next year 2 x dd's are bringing bf's. And a baby!
Suggest 2 houses close by. We do this sometimes if we can't get big enough...
We add the cost of 2 together and divi it up among the earning adults.... Never had a problem doing it that way.

Very odd not to include them. Our DDs are adults and their partners are included on holidays/breaks. I wouldn’t expect them to come otherwise … they share a home with their partners.

Thankfully my lovely MIL adored DDs GF when she was alive.

Your parents are paying so it's their decision, but do they realise that their grandchildren are likely to stop coming if the status quo continues? Have you pointed this out to them?

I’m surprised the grandchildren haven’t already voted with their feet, I’m sure my dd would still accompany us she is 21 but my 23 yr old ds wouldn’t entertain a family holiday.

surely if they want the family holidays to continue and evolve they need to accept new partners to the mix.

if I was one of the grandchildren and my partner of 5 years wasn’t allowed to come on these holiday then I wouldn’t be going.

Forget about who has paid in the past and set a new precedent. I would find a property that accommodates everyone, split the cost between all adults, and ask who wants to go. Then if your parents don’t want to go find a smaller place and split the costs. Assuming that you will see your parents some other time.

If your parents are paying then they can choose yes, but they have to accept that it likely means the annual trip with their GC will come to an end.

Which seems very shortsighted for two (or three at most) partners coming along.

No i dont see why partners need to be included and it is their holiday they decide