Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

If neither are married and neither have children with the partner then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not invite them

There are broadly three possible courses of action:

(1) continue the tradition as is and allow the grandparents to make the rules; this may mean the grandchildren are less likely to participate.

(2) tell the grandparents you'd like to book a larger house as some of the grandchildren want to bring their partners and follow through even if they say no; this may mean they are offended and/or don't join you (or it may not - if they are not comfortable having "non-family" in a house they've rented and are responsible for, your taking over may fix that).

Or (3) ask them what specifically is the issue with the two other proposed guests coming. Is it not seeing partners other than spouses as "part of the family" but if one of the grandchildren eloped tomorrow the new spouse would be welcome? Is it not knowing and therefore not trusting the individual partners? Is it that they see the tradition as something for the 9 people who've always gone and don't want to alter that? Or something else?

I think that what's normal in other people's families isn't immediately relevant if you choose option 3; you'll have to find out what the resistance is to see if they can be persuaded or if there's a fix or compromise.

Chip in to me would be everyone going pays their fair share of the total, thats what chipping in means

I completely agree with this and I wonder if there's something to this. What effort do the DGC make outside of these holidays with their DGP to build their relationship with their partners? And I say this as someone who is early 30s but been with my DH since our late teens and all our extended families built warm relationships with both of us very quickly, we both made a lot of effort, we are both very family orientated people. We've just sadly lost DH's final DGP which we are all very sad about.

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree though.

Oh come on. What 20-something wants to pay to take their grandparents on holiday? It’s a surprise they want to go at all!

The grandparents are not confused old duffers being conned into laying on a free trip. They have chosen to organise and pay for this year after year because they want the whole family together, and they know footing the bill is how to achieve that - and because they're paying, they want to say who comes and who doesn’t. That’s all well and good, but now they’re finding the free family holiday isn’t such a compelling offer after all when partners are excluded. They now have to decide which they want more - the trip with the grandchildren, or the trip without the grandchildren’s partners. I suspect they won’t get both.

Guess you either accept their invitation to pay for it minus the partners or book somewhere bigger, everyone pays their own and you invite the parents and grandparents to come.

I think as it’s the grandparents funding the holiday, they get to choose who to invite.

it is then obviously up to each invitee to decide whether to come or not!

It is all a bit unusual. My siblings and I stopped going on holiday with our parents in our early 20s. We used our limited money and annual leave going on holiday with partners and/or friends. It was only when we started have kids of our own that family holidays were mooted again, and we've had a few long weekends and short breaks together. My grandma joined us once (so we had 4 generations together) but it did get too much for her so she didn't come when we all went again a couple of years later.

In this case I do find it a bit strange that your adult children and niece want to come, but presumably they enjoy each other's company as well as spending time with the older generations. My suggestion would be to rent two houses so the adult children can stay in one house with their partners, then you/DH, DB/SIL and your parents can stay in the other one. Obviously that would increase the budget as you'd be paying for two 3-bedroom houses, but you said everyone is willing to share the cost.

So who pays for your husband and your brother’s wife?
Woud the partners of your son and niece be included when they get married?
Would they be included when they have children?
Or are they always going to be excluded because “there is no space”?

I guess your parents are entitled to say they don’t want to go to a bigger house and /or they don’t want to pay for grandchildren’s partners (married /living together or not yet living together). But the grandchildren are just as entitled to decide they want to spend their annual leave with their own partners, or people who are accepting of having them as a couple. It sounds like your son and niece have got their own family unit (no children yet, but if you’re living together you should be viewed as a married couple). Sounds like GP don’t realise (or refuse to realise?) that son /niece are in a type of “married” situation.

and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

The kids are happy to chip in and its not nice to use money as a weapon if the kids are happy to pay the difference.

What kind of a family doesn't allow partners to come.. why is ops dh or even the ops dad coming then.. they too are just partners as such.

What’s bizarre? Dh and SIL are married to their spouses.

The whole situation is well past its sell by date.

Does "chip in" mean the adult children are covering the full cost of the house rental?

Or does it mean they’re just contributing the small additional cost of upgrading from a five-bedroom to a six-bedroom house?

Ultimately, it comes down to 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'.

It's time for the 'tradition' to come to an end.

If the other partners come I think your DD might feel a bit of a spare part being the only one without a partner.But then if the cousin and her brother choose not to come she will equally be the “young person”, which at her age she isn’t. Does she live with you? Does she have her own friends she could go away with?

Maybe it is time for the “tradition” to change, so you, your brother, your partners and your parents take the house and enjoy the week while the next generation use their precious holiday entitlement to holiday as they want to.

It just sounds like no ring no bring.

Up to the GP who they invite. Up to the GC if they accept invitation or not.

I wouldn’t get excited about this.

Your parents don't want to accept that their grandchildren are now full-blown adults in very serious adult relationships.

Yes, your parents are paying for the trip, but the grandchildren made it clear that they were willing to basically pay the way for their partners. Your parents refusal of this shows that they only want the holiday on their terms and they shouldn't be surprised when their adult grandchildren sit it out.

If I were your adult children or your niece, I would no longer attend.

@TheQuickHam I have DCs and niece and nephew with in the same age range and I'm afraid they just wouldn't go on a holiday to which long-term.partners were not invited. As PPs have said, they would prioritise spending annual leave with those partners over grandparents.

Furthermore if me and DH were in the position of having to choose to holiday with my parents or with our DCs, that would be a no-brainer too. So ultimately, while your parents are entitled to invite who they want, they are likely to be the losers in this scenario, the family holidays may well cease to happen at all.

Perhaps you could have a quiet chat with your parents to explain the changing dynamics and that their grandchildren are now autonomous adults who won't passively accept having their partners excluded.

Your parents need to accept that they need larger accommodation to include their grandchildrens partners, or that some of these adults choose their own holidays and don't attend.

You and Dbro need a good conversation with your parents.

Our experience as the next generation gradually doubled in size and the GPs got more frail (less physically resilient, deafer, changes in sleep pattern and eventually for DF the early stages of dementia) is that the group was getting bigger, louder and the GPs felt more disconnected.

Now in their early nineties, their appetite for big family events which had always been a feature has now declined radically. Their abilities to host have declined similarly although it was hard to manage this as DM would issue invitations then feel overwhelmed but wouldn’t acknowledge it because hosting has been a great talent of hers all her life.

It’s clearly not ok to deal with this by excluding live-in partners, but maybe you could work on a plan that could work for your parents - some great suggestions already on the thread including the two house solution.

Your parents can choose who to invite. Those invited can choose whether they wish to go but your parents should realise this may mean some won't be coming because they have limited annual leave and would presumably prefer to spend it with their SO.

All the grandchildren and partners could get their own house next to/near by to house with grandparents and parents

Gradual change or none at all for the eighty years olds.

Keep the holiday but also rent a nearby two bedrooms for the two partners for a couple of the nights.
Have the partners join in for all the day time activities for a couple of days. Slowly introduce the idea of them participating in the holiday.
Other options ..
Hire a smaller family holiday house and another three bedroom house for all the grandchildren for the whole holiday.

One of the grandchildren misses out each year and their space can be taken up with partners.

The old ones are very old. It is not worth extra drama and confrontation.

Technically yes those who footing the bill get to set the rules. But this kind of mean, non-inclusive rule-setting isn't conducive to happy families at all, and I suspect the grandparents are about to find out.

I wouldn't want to go if I was one of the grandchildren, and I think the OP and her brother should make it clear they'd be supported if they opted out.

If I was the OP's brother and if I really suspected homophobia was at play there's no way in hell I'd be going any more anyway, because I'd want to support my daughter.

I like the suggestion of just taking over the booking/paying yourself, if it's a family tradition you want to keep going. Then the grandparents can opt in or out as they choose - but it's more important to include the next generation's partners.

To chip in would be everyone cover their own share of the costs

That's what chip in means?