Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

Could it just be they are fond of this particular house?

My dd has been with her boyfriend 4 months and was invited on a family trip away to celebrate her boyfriend’s grandparents birthday.

To be so dismissive of a 5 year relationship is so wrong.

This. It runs the risk. It seems odd to not be willing to expand it and everyone pays their way….

On what basis could you possibly determine whether homophobia or marriage is the issue? Do you think you have a greater insight into the motivations of two people you've never met and have read three paragraphs about on the internet than their own son?

The grandchildren are full grown adults. I cannot see why the grandparents aren't allowing them to bring their partners. It smacks of controlling behaviour. It would put me off going altogether.

Could it be they don’t want the partners because they are ‘unmarried’ in spite of being long term partners and therefore not really family to them? They are in their 80’s so maybe just have some outdated/old fashioned values.

I don’t think anyone is wrong here. I get why it’s nice to just hang out with the same family group as always and not have to have new people around but I also get that it’s nice to have everyone there and to enjoy everyone’s company. It’s not an old person thing though. Look at the zillions of Mumsnetters who don’t like to mix with people.

We pay for big family holidays for our adult kids and have always included any partners. It’s fun. However, I do like it when the kids all end up at home without partners. They revert to their childhood ways. It’s also great fun.

OP, have your parents mixed with the kids partners before? If not then I understand their point of view.

I don’t think anyone is wrong here. I get why it’s nice to just hang out with the same family group as always and not have to have new people around but I also get that it’s nice to have everyone there and to enjoy everyone’s company. It’s not an old person thing though. Look at the zillions of Mumsnetters who don’t like to mix with people.

We pay for big family holidays for our adult kids and have always included any partners. It’s fun. However, I do like it when the kids all end up at home without partners. They revert to their childhood ways. It’s also great fun.

OP, have your parents mixed with the kids partners before? If not then I understand their point of view.

I don’t think anyone is wrong here. I get why it’s nice to just hang out with the same family group as always and not have to have new people around but I also get that it’s nice to have everyone there and to enjoy everyone’s company. It’s not an old person thing though. Look at the zillions of Mumsnetters who don’t like to mix with people.

We pay for big family holidays for our adult kids and have always included any partners. It’s fun. However, I do like it when the kids all end up at home without partners. They revert to their childhood ways. It’s also great fun.

OP, have your parents mixed with the kids partners before? If not then I understand their point of view.

I would sit down with your parents and explain that in the not to distant future. Your children may marry and have kids(even if is a slight lie). And its time new traditions are made.
But that you will all split the cost of the full week/house. Not just pay the extra .

As long as the grandparents pay for the majority of the holiday, they get to determine the rules. Everyone else can decide to join or not.

Why jump to homophobia when the problem is likely to be these are girlfriends and boyfriends and not wives and husbands? The grandparents clearly don’t have a problem with partners in general because spouses from one generation are welcome,

Gradual change or none at all for the eighty years olds.

The old ones are very old. It is not worth extra drama and confrontation.

Why are some Mumsnet users so quick to treat the elderly like simpletons who can’t cope with the slightest change in circumstances, and must therefore be treated with kid gloves?

Okay, so they’re elderly. But they’re also in a position to take their entire extended family on holiday every year. You don’t accumulate that sort of cash by being daft. The grandparents know exactly what they’re doing by dictating who can and can’t come on this holiday. To cast them in the role of confused and vulnerable pensioners who think the war is still going on is insulting.

what weird and useless suggestions!

Option 1 - the two partners might have never met each other! Why on earth would they want to share a completely different property with a near stranger for a whole week, allowed to make a few guest appearances with the rest of the family for 'activities' but otherwise kept apart from everyone like a victorian mistress! everyone else settles down to watch a movie and they get turfed out into the night. family go out for a lovely meal together and they have to order a takeaway to eat in their bedroom or make awkward conversation with their partner's cousin's girlfriend.

what a shit holiday for them! and what a welcome to the family from people who might end up being the parents of OP's grandchildren!

Option 3 - doesn't even make any sense as the GPs aren't saying they don't have enough room for the partners, or only one partner is allowed at a time, they don't want any of them there full stop, so taking it in turns wouldn't make any difference.

Yes, it's quite healthy for these things to evolve. Arguably it speaks to a relatively well functioning family that the younger members are raising the discussion, rather than simply voting with their feet.

It might be worth saying to your parents that this is the (adult) grandchildren's attempt to keep the holiday going. The parents can refuse to adapt, sure, but they will be cutting off their nose to spite their face because it'll just precipitate the GC to stop coming.

If they want to keep doing the holiday, sooner or later they will need to meet the other adults half way. You only keep "power" in these situations by being judicious in how you exercise it.

Why does marriage make a difference? They live together - surely that’s enough to “prove” it’s a committed relationship

Sounds like it’s time for you to start your own family tradition and rent a house big enough for your DC and partners.

Not acknowledging your adult grandchildrens' relationships is really rude. Doesn't particularly matter if you're paying.

Maybe worth being blunt with the grandparents: the holiday isn't going to continue as it has the last x years. Your grandchildren are adults with limited annual leave and won't come on holiday without their partners.

You could make it a smaller holiday with no grandchildren, which might suit the grandparents better. Or go back to your original plan of going to a bigger house with room for everyone. Or have split accommodation: two generations in one place and the other generation in a separate house.

Grandparents don’t get to act as dictators. So long as the adults chip in for the bigger place then that seems a good compromise. If they have a problem with grandchildren’s partners then grandchildren are in their rights to say no thanks to a family holiday.

so it's reasonable to invite fertile couples only? Anyone's partner suffering from infertility is out?

Charming.

so if someone decides to never get married, but be in a stable relationship and have children, it's normal to never invite the partner?

Good thing gay marriage is legal in most of our countries then 😂

And I think its not unreasonable for the people who are invited to not go. As I said, its kind of FAFO.

If my children’s partners were not included in holidays, none of us would go.

What does family mean to you?

I know what it means to me and what I'd think was right.

Sounds awful, much better they just go away with their partners and you are left with the family.