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Original poster

To have told my son about some of my (and his) history

64 replies

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:35

I have a DS 16 that I have a great relationship with. My own background is colourful to say the least. I was born and raised in a squat to heroin addicted parents, I’m now well respected in my region as a hardworking and influential businesswoman.

Me and DS were hanging out this evening, and I filled him in on some of my history (and his ancestry). He was surprised as this was really the first he knew about any of this. He seems to be okay, but a bit shocked. I asked him if he thinks less of me, and he did say ‘If anything I think more of you’. I guess I’m just worried I’ve put too much on him, he’s told me he’s blown away by the info, I guess because it’s my life story, I didn’t expect it to be such a bombshell. But of course it must have been for him.

Hes gone to bed, I’m still awake and freaking out that I shouldn’t have told him.

Should I have told him? Is he still too young?

OP posts:
Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:25

MavisandHetty · 02/08/2025 03:19

You are not responsible for your parents.

You’ve broken the chain. That’s something to be extremely proud of. You’ve taken responsibility for your own child, perhaps in ways your own parents didn’t for you.

Talk to your therapist about all this. You may be having feelings of regret simply because you can’t take this information back, put the genie back in its bottle.

It sounds like it’s not so much your son and your future you are worrying about so much as still dealing with yourself and your past.

Thank you so much, the genie in the bottle analogy rings true. I feel like I’ve done so much work on myself, I’m comfortable with where I came from now, albeit a little embarrassing in certain circles, but I almost feel like I’ve passed a torch of shame to my DS that he now has to deal with? Does that make sense?

I always knew I would tell him, but I didn’t think it would be tonight, I wasn’t prepared.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/08/2025 03:24

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:03

I guess because maybe im not the super strong role model I’ve always portrayed, I can’t really explain it, but there’s a shame that comes with your father not wanting to know you, growing up in squalor and addiction. I don’t know, my background is something I’m not proud of really, I thought I’d worked hard to overcome it, my son never saw anything even close to what I saw, but admitting to my lovely DS was really tough. I don’t know why I did it, I’m regretting it I think. It’s a lot for him to process

Show quote history

Well that first bit is bollocks. You absolutely bloody are the super strong role model he’s always known. If anything, you’ve shown him that you’ve achieved stuff against the odds, which makes you even more of a kick arse mum.

He’ll be fine; he’ll process it in his own way and I think you chose the perfect time to tell him. He’s old enough to cope with it and young enough to adapt. If you’d told him in ten years, it could have shaken his whole world view.

I think you’re panicking because that shame never really vanishes completely and you want to protect your babies from knowing that things like this even exist in the world. I’d imagine he’s very proud of his mum about now.

Velmy · 02/08/2025 03:19

I think 16 is old enough. I was a similar age, little younger, when I was filled in on some pretty unpleasant stuff about my biological father. I was pretty mature though so it was nothing I couldn't handle.

Sedgwick · 02/08/2025 03:19

You should be proud of overcoming your difficult background. Don’t focus so much on was this the right time to tell your son etc, it was always going to be tough whenever or however you told him.I think you need to stay strong and confident for him, he will follow your lead. You haven’t done anything wrong. We have a similar (ish) situation in our family, kids at university age and have only hinted at things so far. It’s hard to know what to do for the best.

MavisandHetty · 02/08/2025 03:19

You are not responsible for your parents.

You’ve broken the chain. That’s something to be extremely proud of. You’ve taken responsibility for your own child, perhaps in ways your own parents didn’t for you.

Talk to your therapist about all this. You may be having feelings of regret simply because you can’t take this information back, put the genie back in its bottle.

It sounds like it’s not so much your son and your future you are worrying about so much as still dealing with yourself and your past.

Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:17

I also have a half brother who I tracked down before my father died. From what I know he’s also a terrible person, we had little bit of contact but when I found out he’d lost his kids due to violence against their mother I cut all contact. For some stupid reason I mentioned to my DS that I had a half brother/ he has an uncle and it piqued his interest. He’s too nice a boy to want to have a relationship with someone like that, but I could see the interest, because he only has aunts and very few cousins. I just don’t know why I told him. But then I swing back ti thinking, he deserves to know, this is unfortunately his family.

Wish I’d prepared this better

OP posts:
Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:03

hhtddbkoygv · 02/08/2025 02:55

Why do you think he'd think less of you?

I guess because maybe im not the super strong role model I’ve always portrayed, I can’t really explain it, but there’s a shame that comes with your father not wanting to know you, growing up in squalor and addiction. I don’t know, my background is something I’m not proud of really, I thought I’d worked hard to overcome it, my son never saw anything even close to what I saw, but admitting to my lovely DS was really tough. I don’t know why I did it, I’m regretting it I think. It’s a lot for him to process

OP posts:
Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:57

Thelondonone · 02/08/2025 02:39

He’s old enough and will be fine but keep talking to him. Counselling is an option (for both of you).

I’ve been through decades of counselling, on and off, I’m not perfect but pretty confident and strong in myself. I’ll definitely tell him that counselling is an option if he feels he need to work through what I’ve told him this evening.

OP posts:
hhtddbkoygv · 02/08/2025 02:55

Why do you think he'd think less of you?

Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:53

MavisandHetty · 02/08/2025 02:42

I don’t think 16yo is too young per se. You could argue it might be late. Did he never ask about his grandparents? Have you ever lied to him?

He seems to have reacted well. Let him digest this information at his own pace and make sure he knows he can ask more questions if he wants to. As a rule, I firmly believe we all need to know where we come from and who we are. It gives children a stable and solid grounding (even if it might not be the best start or one which might take time to come to terms with) from which they can move forward. We none of us can be sure our futures are ours, if our histories aren’t. We need to know who we are.

He never asked about my real father. He knows my mother and 2 stepfathers, and I have never ever lied to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:51

MavisandHetty · 02/08/2025 02:42

I don’t think 16yo is too young per se. You could argue it might be late. Did he never ask about his grandparents? Have you ever lied to him?

He seems to have reacted well. Let him digest this information at his own pace and make sure he knows he can ask more questions if he wants to. As a rule, I firmly believe we all need to know where we come from and who we are. It gives children a stable and solid grounding (even if it might not be the best start or one which might take time to come to terms with) from which they can move forward. We none of us can be sure our futures are ours, if our histories aren’t. We need to know who we are.

This really resonates with me because I grew up not knowing who my father was. No one would ever talk to me about him and it plagued my childhood. I was told I was taken away as a baby, but when I found him, in my early 20s, he sent me photographs of us together when I was 4 or 5 years old… a real head fuck for lack of a better phrase. He’s dead now.

I don’t want that for my DS. I’ve always been open and honest with my boy. There’s no medical conditions etc he should know about as far as I know, but I’ve always known I would tell him some day about my father, because he’s his grandfather and we share a genetic makeup and it’s a big part of my history.

I think I’m just freaking out because I didn’t plan to tell him like this. He seems to have taken it well, but I’m awake and panicking a bit.

OP posts:
MavisandHetty · 02/08/2025 02:42

I don’t think 16yo is too young per se. You could argue it might be late. Did he never ask about his grandparents? Have you ever lied to him?

He seems to have reacted well. Let him digest this information at his own pace and make sure he knows he can ask more questions if he wants to. As a rule, I firmly believe we all need to know where we come from and who we are. It gives children a stable and solid grounding (even if it might not be the best start or one which might take time to come to terms with) from which they can move forward. We none of us can be sure our futures are ours, if our histories aren’t. We need to know who we are.

Unsmart · 02/08/2025 02:42

You did the right and natural thing OP.
After all it's his family history too.

I think it's great that you have such a close and open relationship with him.

And he is right to respect you for what you have made of your life given your difficult start.

Thelondonone · 02/08/2025 02:39

He’s old enough and will be fine but keep talking to him. Counselling is an option (for both of you).