To have told my son about some of my (and his) history

I’ve not read all the responses, but just wanted to add that kids are wayyyy more resilient than we credit them for and always (in my experience of working with them) appreciate candour and honesty over being patronised so I think you have 100% done the right thing. You sound amazing. Enjoy your day at the beach!

I come from a similar background. First off, I don't personally feel any shame at all, genuinely. I never have. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I'm quite open about it with friends - I think they all know the basics. I think anyone who's going to judge me for something like that isn't worth being round anyway. Same for your DS. It honestly won't scar him! My kids have known the absolute basic since forever - they needed to know why the GPs on that side are all long dead. I actually think reading your posts that this is hitting YOU very very hard, almost certainly a hundred times more than it'll hit him. Maybe let him be unless he actively asks and focus on your own reactions.

Breaking a chain is incredibly hard.
My mother and father both did similar, lots of abuse/substance use etc within their families. I’ve had a lovely, stable and warm childhood, and have seen them work hard to have their careers.

At 16-18 I kind of grasped it, it seemed huge and I was proud of them. Now with years of social work/mental health and therapist experience , and a parent myself, I can truly see it for the monumental effort it was for them and can’t ever imagine being so strong! I think so highly of them.

For me the question is OP, where is your son's father? I think all this might be a lot harder for him if he has his own issues with his father. It could feel like there are a line of 'bad' men that he comes from, especially when the uncle also is problematic - and where does that leave him in his mind?

This doesn't mean you shouldn't have told him, but if his father isn't around then hopefully he has some other good male role models in his life.

Your son sounds like a gorgeous lad. Well done OP xx

I don't think that shame will be passed on in the way that you fear, @User1230987 .

You experience shame because as a small child you were living in the middle of all the chaos and difficulty when you were far too young to process it. Your sense of yourself was damaged by it. Shame isn't an objective, realistic response. It is a symptom of the trauma you went through.

It sounds like your son has had a loving, appropriate home and that he has developed into a grounded, sensitive and kind soul. He won't feel shame because he hasn't been damaged by trauma. He might have lesser negative reactions, like perhaps embarrassment at the thought of telling others about this part of his family history. But not shame. That is something deeper and much more corrosive.

I can think of a few men that I have known who seem profoundly kind and empathetic, and whose mothers have been through bad stuff, such as domestic violence. I get the impression that knowledge of a mother's suffering can be something that creates a sort of resilient kindness.

That wouldn't be true if they acquired that knowledge in a manner that was too traumatic for them to deal with. But I don't think your conversation was of that sort. Distressing and exhausting perhaps, but not something that would overwhelm his psyche.

He may even have already picked up currents in your family life that had begun to shape his capacity to absorb what you have told him. Unconsciously, I mean. Even when we are putting certain things away at the back of our mind to protect our children, they do still influence who and how we are, and our children see us.

I also think children forget we are actual people who were children ourselves too. They just see us in Mother role. Dh and I have always talked about our childhoods with our children, partly because there are lots of funny stories but also because a friend of ours died in her 30s and her parents and ex rewrote history and it sickened us. We wanted our children to have our truth so that if Grandparents later told a different story to paint themselves in a better light, they would know the other side to it.

I think now is a good time to have conversations. Some children just never think to ask questions so best to just say what you want or need to say. Dh grew up very middle class and I grew up poor with low parental input. My children know that you can break the cycle and make a better life for yourself. I was the Mother I wished I had, I did everything differently to how I was raised. I know lots of people say they had a difficult childhood but social services were involved in mine.

I think you did the right thing OP, it is just a lot for your son to take in. He probably also feels awful that you had that childhood too.

In a lot of respects it will show your son that anyone can overcome adversity and you don't have to become the product of your birth.
You have completely changed your life from rotten beginnings that weren't your fault in any way.
I'm sure he will be very proud of you.

Your son doesn’t need counselling from finding out his grandparents were drug addicts especially as he’s never been involved with them. He definitely needs to know that your brother is abusive towards women and shouldn’t be contacted. Just don’t use him as a therapist.

I think it depends how it came up. Was it natural, did it lead from his questions, or did you just...tell him? I'm not actually sure how I feel about the idea that things that happen before we were born inform who we are. I don't know. I don't think anyone knows how far that's true.

My parents went through all kinds of things before I was born that I feel ...fairly detached from? They escaped the Ba'ath regime when my father, who was a civil engineer, came under increasing threat to join the party. Family members were imprisoned, people they know got disappeared by the government, they crossed borders illegally to survive, all kinds of things. I learned about these things gradually I guess when I was old enough to know roughly was happening in the Middle East during the 80s and 90s and started to ask things like "wait...so how did you...?" But I don't feel like that's my history. That's their history. I was born in safety and comfort in the UK.

It sounds like he took it well, anyway. It seems like you have good communication between you. He was probably going to find out at some point and 16 is probably mature enough to absorb it.

You did a good thing.

You showed your ds you trust him enough not to judge you from your background.

and in response he’s shown you you’ve raised him well as he’s responded about how much admiration he has for you changing the oath you were born into.

I think you're a bloody hero! Nothing to add that hasn't already been said more eloquently than I could say it. So Im just going to stick to "YOU ARE A BLOODY HERO".

I have no advice OP but I just want to say I hope you’re very, very proud of yourself. My partner grew up in similar circumstances and not everyone manages to break the cycle. It’s very difficult. He’s only recently managed to come out the other side.

16 is a good age to start talking about these things. I’m very open with DD about my past because I didn’t want to normalise it in her head and teenagers have a lot of questions and over the years she’s responded very well. You got this.

I think everyone needs to know their roots. However, I hope OP you haven't done a trauma dump on your DS because not everyone is prepared to take in so much of information on others suffering especially someone they love. Please don't include graphic details.
You sound like an amazing mum and hope he just makes peace with this information.

I am so sorry, I really didn’t mean to upset you. I just know what that shame feels like. And how you can say things to other people that sound normal, until you say them out loud, and you realise all over again how awful it was, and on top of that, you’re worrying about the person you’ve told because they have no understanding of that sort of stuff, especially when it’s someone you love and your natural instinct is to protect them.

I honestly think he’ll be fine. He might not want to talk about it for a while, and that’s understandable because it’s a lot to take in, but I think he’ll gradually start asking questions here and there. Baby steps for both of you. I think you sound like an amazing mum.

You can only pass a torch to someone who accepts it. Your son is one further step removed from your parents, time has passed, he’s had you as his mother…his life is different from yours. Make sure he knows he doesn’t have to bear the shame. It’s not his.

Timing clearly wasn’t great, but maybe look at it like ripping off a band aid. At least you didn’t fret for days and weeks, rehearsing a speech! He’s 16. He won’t be as acute to all this as you are.

You both need time. Take it. There’s no hurry. You did the right thing. You’ll be okay with this in time.

I can understand given the extreme nature of your experiences growing up why you have been hesitant to share your life story eith your son.
But would find it more worrying, and more potentially damaging to him, if you didn't talk to him about your life growing up and his relatives . Of course not going into unnecessary graphic details.
It's natural for him to want to know who he is and where he came from as regards his family history.
I don't think secrecy is a good thing, apart from.in very exceptional circumstances.
I don't think you should regret telling him. I can only see your openess as being a good thing for your relationship and for his understanding of life.

@User1230987 Your beginnings should and will make your son million times more proud of you. You’ve come from that to who you are today. You’re quite remarkable.

This will be harder for you than your son. For you talking about it is dealing with difficult memories with all the difficult emotions attached to them. For your son it doesn't have that same emotional weight or trauma attached to it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, none of us are responsible for our upbringing, good or bad. Your son is right - that you have overcome your upbringing is something to be proud of. And that he recognises that is further proof that you have done a good job raising him.