How to make my partner miss/appreciate me more?

Sorry, DH not DC! 😅

Hi OP, I think routine and being dependable is no bad thing. Perhaps your partner is more comfortable in your company now as you are reliable and what you see as less romantic is him relaxing because he trusts you. It does not necessarily spell disaster, your relationship is perhaps entering a new phase. 1.5 years in is enough time for mundane day to day domestic life to creep in and have a bit of a dampening effect on romance (work/ household chores/ bills/ life stresses and admin etc).

From what you’ve written about his previous relationship he is probably relieved to be with someone trustworthy. Unlikely he has fully healed yet either from the emotional trauma, the effect of which will likely show up in different ways and take time to process. It is also natural for relationships to progress beyond the chase and impress stage with big romantic gestures, although work is needed on both sides to avoid it dropping the other way into complacency/ taking each other for granted.

Avoid leaning on him hard with the insecurities and anxieties you describe as it may push him away but consider therapy and have a think about what makes you happy a) in yourself and b) in a relationship. Try and make more time and space for the things you enjoy and focus on the positives in your relationship. Work to nurture those things that brought you together in the first place and what you genuinely like and appreciate about each other.

I follow a bit of a principle that if affection is lacking I try to be more present and show more care ie hugs and kisses, making a cuppa, stroking DC back when he’s had a hard day etc and he does the same for me. It is easy for us to get a bit stuck in our hectic family life (two small DC) and easy for the hugs and affection to drop away when we’re stretched and exhausted, but even a bit of loving contact, recognising your partner and appreciating them in that moment can go a long way.

I’m not sure that you have been clear. You’ve said you feel he is less romantic and that you want to regain the power.

In what ways has his behaviour changed?

What power? power to do what?

Urgh, couldn't be bothered with this. If he wants someone 'meaner' more fool him; let him go find someone meaner.

ETA - sorry, I sent this without reading all your comments so I would add; you are looking at this situation through the wrong lens.

You are thinking - "what game can I play to stop these men going off me?"

When you should be thinking, "Do I want to be with someone where I need to play games to keep them interested?"

Be yourself, if the relationship is good enough, stay, if it's not, leave.

Agree with therapy. Put yourself first. A healthy relationship should be stable and easy and neither of you should take each other for granted. If its like this after 1.5 years I don't think he's the one for you.

You do sound very young, OP, and I don't mean that unkindly. It's just that wanting to pretend to be something you're not to try to get someone to miss you or whatever is quite an immature approach to a relationship. Why don't you just speak to him, tell him how you feel? Be honest, assertive, adult - don't play a game.

Instead of trying to ‘regain power’ you could try communicating with him. Ask him how he thinks it’s going, suggest how you feel that you could improve the relationship (but don’t say by being meaner).

You don’t mention love at all. Why is that?

Are you a lot younger than him?

Have you had any long term relationships?

No worries. I don’t think I was being rude, I was being honest in how you are coming across.
I apologise that I have come across that way and if I have upset you.

You still haven’t answered what it is you are wanting that you are not getting. Honestly I think this is all on you. You don’t sound like an adult you sound like a teenager.

There is truth to men preferring a 'difficult' woman. I think it is the sense of having to work to please her that appeals. But the person above who talks about backbone and the issues with people pleasers nails it. I have found I do better at work, with friends and with my husband when I'm more assertive and actually ask for what I want. It's a skill you have to learn over time.

Those guys were arseholes and obviously Exes, if you are happy with your boyfriend you.dont need to be "a challange:.

What is he actually doing? What has changed?

What will be will be, you need to just carry on being yourself and not change who you are.
My ex fiance had had drama filled relationships with his exes, ours was easy going and he said it was nice being with someone with out all the drama.
He suddenly went off me, left me for someone filled with drama although it didn't last, obviously liked it.
It sucks, I know, but you can't let it change you. Talk to him. It sounds a great relationship, maybe message more or reach out first. Flirt, plan dates.
It's supposed to be easy with little arguing.
Spend time doing your own hobbies as well as spending time with him, learn to love yourself.
I am with someone else now also, hard as it is you can't let the past take over your life much as you had painful times.

Also, if he stayed in a toxic relationship for years, it may well turn out that he does miss the drama and on/off nonsense and might find a steady reliable relationship dull. But that's not on you to sort out, that's for him to acknowledge and have some therapy and if he doesn't then run a mile. Why on earth would you want to recreate drama to keep a man who can't be happy in a healthy relationship?

What is he doing that leads you to describe him as getting complacent? 18 months in this all sounds very hard work. If he makes you happy carry on. If he doesn't, move on.

This is an excellent answer, read it again and again!

OP you need to focus on what you want. Be excited about your interests, hobbies and career. Stop making your life a function of someone else's.

Yeah I get that its expensive.

In the short term I think you need to start thinking about your needs and what you want to do and try to minimise the noise in your brain about what he wants. Try to do things for you without worrying about him etc. Tune out that voice that says he doesn't appreciate you.

Ultimately he either does or he doesn't. Nothing you do will influence this. If he doesn't appreciate you then he's not worth it and you'll be better off without him.

But tying yourself up in knots worrying about this certainly won't push him to appreciate you more. If anything it's more likely to push him away.

It does come across as manipulative and game-playing.

The point of a relationship is that it's easy and you don't have to put effort in constantly. You seem to think there's something wrong with that.

This is not his past relationship and it's not one of your past relationships, so there's no point in looking backwards.

As a PP said, he'll either appreciate you or he won't. If he eventually doesn't, or he finds the real you boring and predictable, then you need to split up if it gets to that point.

But what you can't do, is orchestrate what may/may not happen in the future.

But why are you worrying so much about what he's told you she did in a previous relationship?

It's in the past, you weren't involved and it has no bearing whatsoever on your current relationship.