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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be irritated at being asked to give my pronouns?

170 replies

purpledaze24 · 01/08/2025 09:34

I work in a very “progressive” organisation who are constantly trying to be sooo pc about everything 🙄
Almost daily I have meetings with colleagues, clients, and people from other organisations. At the beginning of EVERY meeting my manager asks everyone to go round and give their pronouns. It’s SO annoying! Every single person is always the pronoun they look like, my work also has nothing to do with supporting trans people or anything related, many of the people I’ve known for years, yet she still makes us do this every single meeting!! AIBU to be unbelievably irritated (and actually kind of offended) by this?

On a slightly different topic, I was at a friend’s barbecue recently and there was a young woman there who asked what my pronouns were. I answered she/her through gritted teeth and she said back “I’m he/him” (!) She was (what I assumed) was a slightly boyish lesbian. She didn’t appear to be making any attempt to look like a man. She even had long hair. She was just wearing “boyish” clothes (but stuff I’d wear sometimes). I thought how annoying it must be to go through life constantly having to “correct” people. Am I being overly judgmental by being annoyed by this? Like it feels like she’s just making a total mockery of gender and actually if I was a genuine trans man who desperately wanted to be recognised as he/him I’d feel like she was taking the absolute piss!

OP posts:
Alienbigcat · 01/08/2025 11:07

If I was feeling argumentative I’d ask what the purpose of the question was. And if they said ‘so we know your gender identity’ I would truthfully say I don’t have one, and reject the ideas under pinning that ideology. I’m quite happy to explain at length to any managers/HR my position and the law protecting my beliefs. But I’m rapidly approaching the end of my career and not looking for promotion.

TheKeatingFive · 01/08/2025 11:07

Or what about 'what else do you want to know? Star sign? Coffee order? Favourite sexual position?

SaladAndChipsForTea · 01/08/2025 11:03

Yanbu and id push back saying I don't feel comfortable sharing my pronouns at this point.

Basically imply you could be on a journey and its intrusive to assume you're happy to volunteer the information.

I hate it, I get that it's meant to make people who want to use alternative pronouns feel included but it's equivalent to doing a roundtable stating if you want to disclose your age, marital status or sexual orientation.

KnickerlessParsons · 01/08/2025 11:02

I've never been asked my pronouns, but if ever I am, my plan is to say "I really don't mind".

MascaraGirl · 01/08/2025 11:02

TheKeatingFive · 01/08/2025 10:59

I like the 'take a wild guess, I won't be offended if you get it wrong' approach

I might try this too!

TheKeatingFive · 01/08/2025 10:59

I like the 'take a wild guess, I won't be offended if you get it wrong' approach

MyNewFish · 01/08/2025 10:58

ask them to change it to 'share your pronouns if you feel comfortable doing so'. i just say nothing and get skipped. i've never said i have any pronouns

Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 01/08/2025 10:54

You/your/their?

If it's gender pronouns, then I'd say, "Whatever you think is appropriate".

TheKeatingFive · 01/08/2025 10:54

Lemniscate8 · 01/08/2025 09:59

I disagree! denigrating women and asserting the rights of men over them is right wing, in my opinion

Both wings are at it.

Pretending that 'gender' is more important than sex is a left wing tactic though

crumpet · 01/08/2025 10:48

Professionally, I would not try to confront your manager in front of an audience (unless other avenues have been exhausted). Can you speak to them separately to ask why it’s needed especially when people already know each other. And also speak to HR if that gets nowhere.

TitaniasAss · 01/08/2025 10:46

I was asked what my pronouns aren't at a meeting a few months ago. I replied that it had no bearing on what we were there to discuss. There was a kind of awkward silence for a few seconds and then every single person after me said something similar. It was a completely unnecessary question and it didn't warrant an answer.

FrippEnos · 01/08/2025 10:45

Like it feels like she’s just making a total mockery of gender and actually if I was a genuine trans man who desperately wanted to be recognised as he/him I’d feel like she was taking the absolute piss!

The problem here is "genuine trans", as far as I can see there is no longer such a thing as trans has lost its meaning. A couple of friends of mine that are transexual (a term hated by the new trans folx) say that in the old days the aim for a trans person was to pass as the sex that they wanted to be, now its a case of looking like a trans person or just a person.

SummerIsNotOverYet · 01/08/2025 10:44

I haven’t been asked yet but if I do, then I’ll waste their time like they’re wasting mine. So, I’ll have everyone refer to me as they and them and I’ll tell them I’ve hurt feelings and feel excluded when the managers misgender me.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 01/08/2025 10:40

Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask “does anyone here use different pronouns?” instead of making everyone waste their time?

limescale · 01/08/2025 10:39

In my line of work, this sort of nonsense would be met with snorts or derision.
I am fully aware of the sex and pronoun usage of the colleagues I have worked with for years.

At the BBQ, I'd distance myself from anyone trying to use that gathering to make some point. I'm there to enjoy myself with people I enjoy the company of.

anyzee · 01/08/2025 10:39

Why do you need to know boss?

Christwosheds · 01/08/2025 10:38

SprayWhiteDung · 01/08/2025 10:01

Were there some words missing at the end there, or did the initiator genuinely want to be referred to as 'it'?!

😂😂😂

MaidOfSteel · 01/08/2025 10:30

Adult, human and female, please!

I really can’t be doing with any kind of virtue signalling and I’m finding it harder to bite my tongue as time goes on. These people are deserving of a sarky response.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/08/2025 10:23

Well it's just daft fun so join in! Next time your in a meeting mix it up a bit and say "Hi, I'm Debbie They/Them" the following week "Hi, I'm Debbie He/Him" and so on...
We're all non binary right so you could be "Hi, I'm Debbie Chair / Coatrack"

ConnieHeart · 01/08/2025 10:23

SprayWhiteDung · 01/08/2025 10:07

Yes, that's a large part of it: they tend to love to think that they'll be foremost in people's minds and discussions continually. It's usually an attention-seeking goal that drives them.

Thanks. I thought maybe I was missing something

Slightyamusedandsilly · 01/08/2025 10:22

Can you not just do it in a bored monotone (at work) to express your feelings on it and instantly move on? We all have to do things at work we think are BS.

What you do in your private life is different. If you really want to, you can just say, that's private, and move on. Yes, others may thing you're an arsehole, but given they're people you're diametrically opposed to, presumably you won't care?

Malvala · 01/08/2025 10:19

I answer - “Sex based. Like my oppression”

Daffodilsarefading · 01/08/2025 10:18

Why does she need to do this? Seriously. Surely people just speak and say what they want to in a meeting. I don’t have to tell my team at every meeting who the hell I am.
If you need to address anyone surely you can just
say ‘I had a similar experience to Daffodil.’
I would tell her in every meeting I prefer not to say. Hopefully others will do the same and make her stupid point worthless.

Greenclock123 · 01/08/2025 10:17

@Lemniscate8 I don't think you fully understand what left and right wing means. Anyway, it is a fact - the trans lobby is firmly left wing and embedded in the Labour Party/ trade unions/ academics. I consider myself fairly left wing but on this, I firmly disagree with the trans insanity and can see it is rotting left wing politics from the inside. It is factually wrong to say it is right wing. Do some research and you'll see.

toomuchfaff · 01/08/2025 10:15

CalpolOnToast · 01/08/2025 09:43

Fuck me, I'm glad I don't do corporate. Would be hard to resist saying "why do you need to know what gender I am if you can't figure it out, are you going to treat me differently?"

💯