For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

When they took out the mortgage they were earning similar. So it was 50 50. If she was earning 35k when they took it out and they agreed a budget for a property then absolutely they should pay proportionally. But this is not what happened here. Nowhere does it say he agreed to pay more when she unilaterally took a huge pay cut. She's not staying at home with the kids or anything, she's taken a cut in salary without his agreement

It does not sound like a partnership really

what happens in future, say if you got ill health and could not work at all, would he support you then?

I had to give up work at 44, my DH pays all the bills no problem, in sickness and in health and all that

What are you going to do when you have a baby, OP? When you're on maternity leave and broke and he's arguing about how much he should contribute towards nappies? Because that's the road you are on.

The problem you've got is that you aren't a team. He's persuaded you that because he pays a measly £70 more than you towards upkeep that he's being hard done to. He's not. I would very seriously be taking a long hard look at the relationship and asking yourself some difficult questions.

If you were a team, he would have accepted that supporting you with this change of path meant making some changes to his own expectations and path in return. It doesn't seem like he has.

Don't marry a man who lives in the same house but lives a completely separate life to you. Recipe for disaster.

You are married with kids, doesn't mention how long they have been together so not sure it's a red flag at that stage, however they should have agreed how they were going to split before she changed her job?

If you pay for different things and then pay whatever is left into joint account, why don't you have a joint account to start with like normal people?

My advice would be to call off the wedding for now.
If you have paid non-refundable deposits, write them off as a loss. Suck it up.

But you can't go ahead and get married to him when:

A) he doesn't have your back when it comes to your mental health, he didn't want you to leave your job and didn't care if it was making you ill

B) you can't agree on money issues, and you are using up your savings while he refuses to compromise, forcing you to pay for things you can't afford.

C) he is happy for you to borrow from your mum for HIS wedding. Yes, it is his wedding as well as yours. Where is his pride? Where is his responsibility? How can he think it is fine for his future MIL to pay for him when he earns £90k?
Does he even want to get married?
Have you discussed what type and scale of wedding he would want?
How much would be be prepared to pay?

See how he reacts to the wedding being cancelled. Is he bothered?

Then carry on living together, but refuse to pay for things you can't afford.
He suggest a meal out? You tell him you'd love to, but he has to pay.
Same for holidays - he pays for you or you don't go. Suggest going 50/50 on a week's camping in Wales instead.
Tell him there has to be two trollies when you go shopping, or two separate shopping trips - one for the basic essentials and routine food, and one for the fancy stuff. And he pays for the second trolley / shop.

This may sound petty, but he has to get used to the idea that he can't continue making you pay 50/50 for everything. What does he think should happen when you go on maternity leave? Does he expect you to return to work full time asap when the baby is tiny?

He will either change his attitude, or you will have to split up.

This!!!

You don't sound very compatible. Views on where you want to live, lifestyle and earnings are too different, and neither of you has been up for compromising.

I don't think it's necessarily unsalvageable, especially once you earn more, but I don't know that I'd get married in this situation. I do know I wouldn't be having kids.

It sound like a certain lifestyle and feeling ‘well off’ is more important to him than being a team and working as such.

If he feels not well off enough now, what happens if you go on to have kids? Who will be funding that? What about maternity leave, are things going to be split 50/50 then as well? I think it’s the right time to ask
those questions now OP so you know what lies ahead.

I am on your side. With 90k salary his take home is around £5k and after his 50/50 he’s left with close to £3.5k. You on the other hand have about £700 or thereabouts. He also seems to have no awareness or simply ignores the fact you cannot afford dining out etc to the same level as he can. Does he expect you to split 50/50 when you go out? Does he sult if you refuse to go out?

This doesn’t seem like a great relationship to me tbh. And i would grow to resent dining out etc with him, hows this supposed to be fun when you know you’re digging yourself a financial hole by trying to placate and keep up with his desired lifestyle.

Explain logically how a proportionate share isnt fair on the higher earner if it means they both pay proportionately to their wage but paying 50/50 when the lower earner pays in a higher proportion of their wage is fair. Like really how is that fair? And why does he get to agree or not to her career change but she doesn't get to agree or not on their mutual funds being used on expensive crap?

My partner and I have separate food shops as he is a smoker and meat eater and occasional drinker I am not. He gives me an extra £600 a month towards the food bill which I do on line.

But it isn't a fairer share if he didn't agree to it. It's only a fairer share if that's what you started with or he agreed to her changing careers.

If your job change was agreed with him then he's being unreasonable. If not you're going to have to suck it up. If you can pay your share of the bills then can he pay for the fun stuff?

I think this is a sign of the future of your relationship however. I'd be having second thoughts.

When you say you discussed it and he was not supportive did you actually lol at the figures and do any calculations and discuss that? Did he agree and he's gone back on it or did he not agree and you've done it anyway?

It's always worth remembering in these situations that neither could have got the mortgage without the other regardless of if one thinks they can afford the repayments alone. We don't actually know that he could afford the mortgage and the lifestyle he wants all on his own and I very much doubt he could live as comfortably if he didn't have OP paying 50%. He's not subsidising her at all at the moment btw (I mean, literally how? She's paying 50%) and if they split it more fairly he wouldn't be subsidising HER he would be paying a fairer share of THEIR costs

You’ll just have to make a budget for yourself and live within it which means agreeing a basic food shop budget which you split and then each of you buying your own ‘luxury’ items.

You’ll have to start saying no to meals out and holidays that are outside your budget.

And you can say no to the weddings - send a gift and say you can’t make it.

Your DP will either join you in your budget - be happy with a take away vs a meal out etc, or you’ll have to some things like holidays separately for now.

Please could you say which industry you’ve gone into? I’m desperate to retrain and change careers and prospects of £90k with 9-5 sounds like a dream!

Did you not consider this when you took massive pay cut?

We also think the replies would be very different if the op was talking about her partner who had done this. If a man quit his career less than a year after qualifying and wanted to downsize and move out of london and have her pay for more things.I can only imagine what you'd all say.

The truth is, you only get one life. If she's quit law after having qualified less than a year ago, then she's pretty young. Unless you qualified later in life, but she doesn't say that it sounded like a first career. So she's in her twenties.

She already hasn't lasted a year in a career with stress and anxiety and having to leave. Sorry but that's just an early career. Speak to any doctor a year out of medical school. It gets better with seniority and experience. She wasn't willing to stay the distance or even try.

Now she's got a very reduced earning capacity. She wants him to pay more of the mortgage. She wants him to move out of the city. She wants she wants.

this is probably a young man in his twenties two.Why should he if this is not what he wants. He only gets one life too. Everyone saying her health should come first and he should support her. Does he not matter. I could understand if they d been married for twenty years and had kids in this happened, but it's very early days. They already want fundamentally different things, and it's not going to work.

it sounds as if the op knows exactly what side her bread is buttered on. She knows that she wouldn't be able to afford to buy a property alone without his money.

It's a hell of a burden for him to take on someone with stress and anxiety who can't work a stressful job.And expect to pick up all the tab before they're even married and before they have children.

She’s asking way too much of him.

Key to all this in my view is that OP - as she says herself - wants the same lifestyle as him which isn’t unreasonable. She has likely done the basic maths and worked out that even when her earnings improve she would be much worse off as a single person even out of London paying off a mortgage by herself. On her current salary of £35k that would be even tougher. And I think that way of thinking is why she’s reluctant to end the relationship or have the conversation that may lead to that.

My understanding was she was only asking for him to cover more of the mortgage because he was refusing to cut back elsewhere. If she wasn’t having to try to keep up with his other spending she would manage the mortgage. There is also the point that she wanted to move and he refused. Cutting her cloth accordingly would be moving, he won’t let her, as I said. She needs to leave him. He clearly values material things more than her mental health. Thats not a man to marry.

You definitely need to start saying no. No I won’t come on holiday with you, I won’t go out for a meal, I’ll do my own food shopping. It’s fine for him to say the salary reduction is your responsibility, but not ok for him to then block the steps you need to take to make the books balance. If he doesn’t want to be with you without those extras then that says a lot about who he is as a person. To be honest his lack of understanding or support would be a pretty big red flag to me, is he going to say the same if you reduce your hours due to children later?

Borrowing money for a wedding with a man that doesn't sound supportive (having in mind you were stressed and miserable...you just didn't change job cause you lazy)

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 everywhere

I can't believe you're still going to marry this man, he cares more about money than he does about you.