For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Because OP was earning a six figure salary (significantly higher than his) before the pay cut and, during that time,:

1. Did not pay more than 50/50 despite earning far more than him
2. Actively participated in their expensive lifestyle.

She didn't go from £50,000 to £35,000. She went from £150,000-£200,000 down to £35,000.

Regardless, take home salary from £50,000 three years ago would be about £34,000. Take home from a £90,000 salary now is just under £56,000 (assuming a student loan and 5% tax contribution). OP's take home now will be around £27,000.

£34,000 in 2022 would be worth about £39,000 now (according to the Bank of England inflation checker). So their combined take home salary when they bought the house is equivalent to £78,000 and their combined take home salary now is about £83,000.

I'd be annoyed if I had almost doubled my salary and had to maintain exactly the same lifestyle as I previously had because my girlfriend, with whom I have no children, quit her job (after I said I didn't agree with her quitting and wasn't prepared to have both of us relying on me financially).

He’s not being reasonable and he doesn’t see you as a team, and stop going on holidays and eating out if you can’t afford them
he can go by himself.
You’re whole set up is very tailored to what he’d like and what he wants… I think you could do better tbh

may This kind of love never find me!!! I’d be gone if he can’t understand.

But she made the decision without his support and now he is under pressure as the main breadwinner. Support goes both ways. I don’t think they have the same attitude to money so will prove problematic.

Because they are supposed to be two people who want to share a life together, a partnership, supportive. This man is currently not showing any of these things.

Why should he though? The OP decided the quit her job and take home less money.

You should be paying 5% less of the mortgage than him due to your equity split.
Do you eat as much as him? Usually women eat a lot less, Id be calculating that carefully. Look for all the other ways to penny pinch with this prince as that is your life now. Make sure you charge him for any pregnancy labour in the future.
Or you could just move on and find a decent human to marry....

OP- you were working insanely hours, no work life balance?
And you made a move to improve your quality of life; your income is now lower, but it is a temporary situation as you have the potential to earn more, is that right?

I'd be thinking very carefully about marrying someone who cared so little about your quality of life, and didn't see the big picture.
Did he not care about the crazy hours you were working? Or was he annoyed that his fiancé was no longer a lawyer at a top firm?

In every long term relationship there are periods when one partner carries the other- whether it is financially, emotionally or otherwise. You clearly are a hard worker and have ambitions. Does he recognise this, or just see the current bottom line?

If you did indeed marry him, there would likely be times when fortunes were reversed and you earned more. It seems like the trick is to treat each other like a partner- with love, kindness and respect.

Is he treating you with love, kindness and respect?

Hmm two things stand out to me: 1. He had already decided he was paying about £200 more than you (which turned out not to be the case and was only £20) and 2. Although he agreed to a different split you feel it would cause too much resentment long term to accept (point 1 would suggest you are right about that).

This I feel does point to a certain lack of trust and teamwork on both sides. I would honestly suggest counselling if you plan to get married (I know - another expense but divorce can be expensive also). I do have sympathy for both of you - he paired up with a fellow high earner and just as things were taking off you reduced your earnings and you presumably thought you would like law and did not (completely understandable - you don’t know until you try and good move to get out).

Two cliched sayings have come to my mind - 1. Come live with me to know me, and 2. When money walks out the door, love flies out the window. It sounds as though you are just not compatible - I haven't seen the word "love" anywhere, so it might be best to call it a day now.

That only works though if as you say "you do your best for your partner" and "you work as a team". When one person feels they are working hard for the family (whether that be in a job or at home) but the other isn't then it doesn't work.

If your husband who earns more than you suddenly decided that he were to stop work, and despite you being unsure cracked on regardless. And then as a solution suggested that you sell your home and move to a different area would you be quite so understanding?

Those who are saying OP is responsible for taking a pay cut without agreement from her so called partner, remember that they were both earning 50K when they got together. Now he earns 90K and wants to spend more. So how come OP needs agreement from him for a career change and pay cut but he doesn't need any agreement for choosing to spend more? He is unilaterally choosing to spend more and imposing his lifestyle on her.

I think they should just split. There's no way I would marry someone knowing they are pushing me towards bankruptcy.

@AnyPomegranate you answered a lot of questions but not the one about planning children. If you do plan to have children with this man you seriously need him to change his attitude.

Likewise if you are seriously going to marry him.

Keep your pension!

If your respective shares of the property are 55/45, I take it you're paying 45% of the monthly mortgage payment?

I still can't get my head round taking on a new mortgage where you commit to bills of 1500pm (total 3k) and then actively making yourself unable to pay. Using savings to cover the shortfall was never long term and if the partner said no to subs then why go ahead before sorting out the finances. What was the plan? How did the property not go on the market immediately? Are you both in your 20s or is your partner older? Is there any equity in the property or will it just be lost in fees when it inevitably gets sold? The holidays and meals out are a bit of a red herring as the main stretch is your shared flat.

he is piling up groceries he wants and insisting she pays half. Insisting on a lifestyle she can’t afford.

@Emma6cat · Today 16:07

I can never understand my money, your money notion. Maybe I am old fashioned but if you are a partnership and in love surely you do your best for your partner and work as a team. My DH earns more than me, but we just put our wages together and pay everything out of that pot. Money is the root of all evil as the saying goes. I guess because my parents always said that they would never argue about money I hold the same values.

This. ^ The my money/your money mindset is very odd IMO, unless you are a couple who are just dating. Once you live together, and especially if you're engaged or married (and especially if you have children) the money should be pooled.

I know 4 couples who have been together 15-20 years or more, have a house together (mortgaged.) 2 of the couples have school age DC, and they don't pool anything. The man is the bigger earner in every couple, and spends money on crap/luxuries/hobbies etc and has much more surplus income, whilst SHE struggles to make ends meet. No sharing, no caring, he just says just 'well you go out and earn more money then if you want as much surplus income as me.' The woman even has to pay for childcare out of her meagre income!

Not the kind of relationship I would want to be stuck in. Also, this kind of man only believes in equality when it suits him. Thinks women should pay half of everything, but doesn't think he should do half the childcare or housework and domestic chores. Funny that. This kind of man is usually crap in bed too.

Yep, me too!

I genuinely cannot conflate not being supportive with outright refusal to countenance the proposal. I do not know the OP so it is possible that she is soft-pedaling his reaction but I do not think she is. In all her posts, she comes across as honest, truthful and fair. If he expressed doubts then surely that was the time when they could have discussed it and all the various ramifications in detail. It does not sound as if they did, but of course we do not know.
I should also add that if the fiancé had objections, it is on him to bring his counter-arguments, objections, financial projections and possible solutions to his fiancée. Did he do this? NO probably like most men because he could not be arsed and now the OP is being bullied into financial arrangements that have required her to stop paying into her pension and even to consider borrowing FROM HER MOTHER to subsidise his truffles, Wagyu steak and champagne lifestyle.

I was earning more than him at one point and we continued to split the bills 50/50. Honestly, it wasn't a conscious decision and if he'd wanted me to pay more I happily would've done so. It's more that we were earning the same when we first took out the mortgage so it made sense to split it 50/50 and we never really revised it from there. It's only come up now because I'm struggling to afford it for the first time Honestly, if you didn't offer to pay more than him when you earned more, I think it's pretty unfair to expect him to subsidise you now !

Putting that to one side, you have very different attitudes to money / lifestyle and I don't see that improving. I'd think long and hard about whether marrying this man is the right choice for you. Beware of sunk costs fallacy

I would be hesitant about marrying this man and having children with him

Apologies if I've missed this but is there a reason you couldn't split based on the base version of things then he top up to fancy if needed for now?

If you were married I would expect your finances to be pooled, but as you're not, he is right. I would however be saying no to all the nights out etc as you can't afford it.
Have a discussion about whether he would support you if married, before you get married!

I don't think I could stay with a man who is so penny-pinching and mean with money sorry @AnyPomegranate He won't change when you're married, and if you have children you will be living in penury compared to him with his big important job and his big fat salary. Making your wife-to-be pay half towards everything when she earns a third of what you do is not the makings of a good husband. He won't look after you when you need it. I couldn't move on from this. I'd be looking to end it, and move further north where it's cheaper.