For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

I think for most, 50% of each wage wouldn't be enough to cover bills and household costs.

You could always alternate food shop weeks, it’s not a great solution though is it.
Grim that he wants you to pay half of his expensive shopping. I’d be very wary of having kids with him as well, it’s mean of him to behave like that and that’s a red flag.
and yeah at a minimum don’t go out with him for a while, enjoy the peace at home, get yourself some savings instead

As a comparison I gave up a very well paying job and will have £9 income for the next three years while I study. My partner could see how unhappy I was and didn’t want that for me. He earns a decent amount and is happy to support me and cut our cloth where we need to. You don’t have a life partner there in my opinion. Those saying you were selfish have maybe missed the fact that you were working until 2am frequently.

Financial abuse!

leave before you have kids.

he’s milking you

When I read posts like these I can never understand why couples agree on 50/50 for bills. Why not 50% of each wage? It is the only fair way, and the higher earner still gets more left over each month.

not rocket science isn’t?

What did your fiance suggest to help make things a bit easier for you when you told him you were struggling?

I don't understand why people are saying she's unfair for cutting her earnings and expecting him to subsidise her. OP cut her earnings, and is happy to cut her outgoings accordingly, and she did it for health reasons. She is also on a good wage, well above average in the UK, and has plans for earning more.

Her partner, on the other hand, has been utterly inflexible about any of the changes needed to support her health.

OP, I agree with the people who say he's not partner material.

The first two words of the post literally say ‘my fiance’

I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

You have found your own solution

I'm sorry, but this is on you. You decided to take a significant pay cut against his wishes and now want him to pick up the slack? Absolutely unreasonable.

You can't claim that he should pick up a higher proportion because you discussed it as a couple, when that discussion was he didn't want you to do it but you went ahead regardless.

You are not a partnership. You are not on the same page. You do not have the same values. You do not have the same life goals. You do not have the same level of respect and compassion for each other. Do not marry him.

If finance lies at the heart of everything you do (yes, I know it's important) rather than someone's wellbeing, I think you're on a hiding to nothing, sadly. If he can't see that you needed to make a change and support you, that's making life very difficult.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Different people do the finances different ways but I don't see much of a partnership going on here. Sorry.

Then OP should get the magical job that he has. Why is she only earning £35,000 if it’s just as easy to earn £90,000?

Are you able couple sharing responsibilities and a life together, or not? It seems not. People who love and care for each other support each other and don't want too see each other struggle through. He doesnt exactly sound committed.

whose mortgage is it? Joint?

what do you think will happen once you are married and potentially DC are in the scene.

I am in a marriage where I pay 50/50 and DH is earning 3 times as much as me and I work part time as I am the primary carer for our DC (both with complex needs). He holidays alone and I holiday (much cheaper with the DC). He didn't show is true colours until DC1 was born. I can see a lot of red flags in your post. I would have a good and hard think what you want from the future and this relationship and also discuss finances post marriage with him. If he intends to keep going like that, just run!

For now, I would cut back on going out and hols and maybe separate food shopping but the big question is really how you both see that working out long term esp with marriage and kids.

Agreed.

He should pay for his more expensive food etc. But you took on a joint mortgage, presumably after considering what you could afford, and you both agreed to it. It’s totally unreasonable to say “actually nah, I’ve changed jobs despite knowing what the bills are, and now I don’t want to stick to that agreement”.

We don't know he works harder than her though, he earns more now sure but before they were earning the same while he worked 9-5 and OP worked till 2am or at weekends.

This is a tricky one. I think neither of you are being unreasonable. Most people on here who say that they split outgoings proportionate to their earnings are married with children and perhaps one parent has cut hours for childcare etc. so are earning less.

It wasn't really fair of you to quit your job and then ask him to pay more as you wouldn't have been able to quit your job if you were single. But saying that you want to cut back to live within your means but he doesn't, which I can also understand.

It really sounds like all these conversations should have been had before you made the decision to change your job. If he isn't willing to compromise then not sure you have a future but I can see why he is reluctant.

Presumably your salaries didn't rise in lock step from £50k, so did you earn more than his £90k previously? How were the bills split?

I agree that you took the pay cut but the reasons you did this were for your health so it would concern me that he has not supported this. I think you urgently need to have a discussion about money before you get married. What would happen if you went on maternity leave, how would you pay for childcare. Dh has always out earned me but all money goes into one pot, when i had dc we cut costs together, we made sure we could cover expenses together. Ultimately if you cannot afford to do the extras you will begin to lead separate lives with him going put and on holiday without you as you simply cannot afford to join him. I am not sure you are financially compatible. I do see his point that if he earns well he should be able to enjoy it but this means enjoying it without you or leaving you in financial difficulties.

Completely and totally this.

All these “he thinks that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours” comments… no, it’s the other way around. OP wants all her income and some of his income while he works harder than her. She’s being completely unreasonable!

She didn’t give up work to have kids or benefit the household in any way. She did it because she wanted to, for herself, without his support.

And, as someone who works in a US law firm, I completely understand OP wanting to work fewer hours but I cannot fathom why she wouldn’t find a 9-5 job at a law firm earning £100,000 - which should’ve been easy. Based on the “we were both earning £50,000” comment - it sounds like OP actually quit during her training contract. If so, that was a spectacularly stupid decision financially. I would be absolutely livid if my partner is wouldn’t stick out a job in the short term to qualify, get a £100,000 job working 9-5 and instead quit for a £35,000 job and expected me to cover everything!

Separate everything. Food shops, going out, holidays. Sadly though, I think that this could lead to him thinking you don't care and detaching. Or he might think your being a mardy bump.
When you were struggling at work did he not notice? When you were working until 2 and on weekends? How did he react?
I'd hang on with the wedding. How much has been paid already, how is it being funded?

You need to set a budget for how much you’re willing to pay for a food shop/ meal out/ holiday etc and be clear with your partner that that is all you are going to contribute. If he wants to stick to 50/50 he will have to work within the budget. If he wants to choose something over budget he is going to have to do it solo or top up your half if he wants you to join. It’s not fair for him to insist on adding expensive foods to the trolley or to insist on an expensive restaurant which is out of your budget and still expect you to pay half.

I think he is showing you very clearly he does not see the two of you as a team. He wants a certain standard of living, and would have been happy for you to trash your mental health to maintain it. Now you are earning less, he doesn't care if he is leaving you short, and struggling, and he is not willing to sacrifice any of his wants to make it affordable for you. The two of you have very different views on what is important in life. I would be seriously reconsidering marrying him. How do you think it would go if you had DC, or were unwell and unable to earn? I don't think this is a man you can rely on to do anything but what benefits him.