For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

How old are you? Are you the same age? Do you want children?

It doesn't seem like you are on the same page at all about lifestyle and money, which would worry me.

If you quit law just before 1PQE and he's been in his career for ten years, does that mean he's a more than a couple of years older than you? Because I think that is relevant too.

For the food shop, the immediate solution is you agree on a list and he pays for any extras.

But you've got a deeper and longer term problem here, and you need to have it out with him and find a solution you're both happy with before you get married. This situation just isn't sustainable long-term and your marriage will fail under the pressure. Ask him if he was only with you for your earning power, and point out to him that a divorce will cost him a lot more than some adjustments will!.

I was married to someone who took this approach to sharing household income. It didn’t end well. Save yourself the bother by dumping him now and moving somewhere you can afford to (and want to) live within your means.

I think you have missed some of the OP updated, she was working closer to 90 hours a week, and couldn’t take the stress any longer.

The OP is also starting out in a new career, so will continue to increase her salary over time.

nobody went part time, and no he wasn’t supportive but at the end of the day she had to make a decision based on her needs and health.

shes not asking him to necessarily subsidise but right now can’t afford the expensive restaurant 2/3 time a week, 5 star holidays and luxury food shopping.

OP, there isn’t an easy solution, can you talk through your new career path, how long do you expect it to take to be earning back to where you were? If you have a plan he may feel more comfortable supporting the gap, being clear you aren’t expecting him to pay for your holiday, but perhaps cover the gap or you can’t go.

unfortunately it sounds a bit like he’s schooling you because you have changed things and he’s unhappy.

I had two boyfriends like this. I now have an unbelievably supportive husband who always understood I was on a lower income, and now I’m a SAHM who feels so supported and looked after and recognised for my efforts. I can’t imagine being married to either of my exes (who when I was a student on no more than £800 a month and he on £50k) had to pay 50/50 everything. These types of men don’t make good husbands OP.

He’s really clearly saying he doesn’t support your decision. My partner did a similar thing and didn’t really consult me. I’ve felt resentful of it, and that they have just left making up the shortfall to me and gone on their merry way.

However I do agree with you that the split of finances is unfair - and unworkable. It either needs to be each of you pays a % of your bills according to income (he pays 75%, you pay 25% and your percentages change as your pay does, so if he worked part time or was off sick you’d have to support more), OR you combine income into one pot, pay the bills, and then have equal access to the rest. The 50% each thing works for flatmates - in a marriage if one loses a job, gets pregnant, is caring, gets sick or gets a lottery win you need to be supporting each other not acting as separate people.

I think you need some pre-marriage counselling to talk about how you will deal with your money when you’re married, if you have kids, and what to do about it in the meantime.

What will happen if you have children after climbing the career ladder again? Will he expect you to pay 50% still whilst on maternity leave? Will he expect you to pay for nursery, after school clubs, holiday clubs or will these be split equally? Will he see it as your decision to have children, therefore you bear the costs of carefree your wage? I would think long and hard about marriage.

Sorry just saw you're engaged. I wouldn't marry him tbh, he doesn't see you as a team 💐♥️

Yes, but that sounds like a magic circle firms.
Magic circle law firms are a place I would never want to work.

I'd say it was a bit much for her to just give up a career because of one job

If she trained at a firm like that, she could have gone anywhere with that experience under her belt

She could have moved to another law firm that did not have such intense hours. They do exist as I work for one and I have a good life balance. I have never worked until two am in my entire career

I think she was too hasty in giving it up, and now she is expecting her partner to pick up the tab and change his lifestyle for her choices.

I get what you're saying - working those kinds of hours is no fun, and you certainly shouldn't have to continue like that if it's not for you.
I was deliberately harsh towards you in my previous comment, but to be fair to you, your partner doesn't seem too supportive. He would happily see you be deprived of little luxuries from the supermarket whilst he blindly chucks in caviar, lobsters and champagne, for example without a second thought.
He is right in that he earns a great wage to be able to afford this lifestyle, but to carry on doing so alongside someone who he is choosing to spend his life with as an equal partner is insensitive as he is paying no regard to how it makes you feel. This callous nature reeks of manipulation, assertiveness and control.
I'm afraid to say it but I think you two have grown apart.
You want a wholesome life, reducing your hours to seemingly spend more quality time with the people who mean the world to you and that has to be respected, but he doesn't see it that way sadly.

Tbh as you're not married you don't have a household income as such, you're two individuals. Presumably you own the property 50/50 so why should he pay more? Having said this my now DH paid more than I did before we were married under similar circumstances because he knew he would marry me and it was all our money. Your partner's attitude doesn't scream that he thinks this relationship to be long term 🤷‍♀️

I read your OP then looked back to see if this was your husband or partner. Seeing of course it is a fiance.

I would say don't marry him.

When me or my husband (and previous to that for a decade partner) have been unhappy at work the question has always been what can "we" do? Whether that's one person retraining, going part time or either person looking for a new job to cover the shortfall.

When I had our eldest I was a stay at home mum for 5 years. We would give each other our last penny.

There is no "we" in your relationship. Each person has to hold their own and sink or swim. How is that going to work if you have children? What about if one of you becomes ill and unable to work.

Would you support your husband if he became ill and unable to work - unable to get even universal credit because you earn too much? Can you honestly say that he would do the same for you? And I mean without you running up a debt to him or living like a pauper while he carries on as he is.

You have said that your earnings will rise. Trying to match your husbands earnings wouldn't be enough security for me knowing you are only one twist of fate away from having to struggle alone while your "husband" carries on regardless.

A couple of things - for a start, living together it would be better to have a joint account for bills, not least for transparency. Work out the monthly bill and mortgage outgoings and bung in half each a month (I know you’re trying to reduce what you pay but I just mean so it is all transparent). If you can’t see the money going out then I think it makes it less ‘your problem’ but also I think you should have access anyway. It is far easier to manage as well if you ringfence ‘bill money’.

It was your decision to take a pretty big pay cut so
I can see why he is a bit ‘why should I subsidise you’ for the bills but at the same time he ought to then see you can’t afford the high life. But you have done something that impacts holidays, your entire lifestyle for HIM and the only way he can have the things he wants, is if he pays for you, so I can see why he is a bit ‘hold on a minute I don’t want to not eat out, have nice holidays and so on’.

I think you need to go for a better paying job, whatever that looks like.

Sorry you're the unreasonable one. You should have agreed and discussed how this would impact your fiance and finances before you massively reduced your salary. I imagine there was a middle ground of a less stressful job in law with a middling salary? This is a completely different situation to one partner paying more because the other has kids and works part time.

She used to regularly work until 2.00 am in her previous job. I presume that she works normal full-time hours in her new job. Her partner works a standard 9-5 in his job.

The answer is to work as a solicitor in house. Defo fits 9-5 and much better paid than £35k. Get applying! Doesn’t matter if there are no positions in your practice area! You were only 1 year PQE so frankly you don’t even have a practice area!

Your partner is clearly pissed that he has a reduced lifestyle when you’re (in his mind) choosing to have a lower salary. I get where he’s coming from. He earns £90k he should be able to buy a treat in the supermarket!

Bottom line is your base expenses are £3k and you earn £35k- those numbers don’t add up!!!

If you had always been the lower paid partner and you had embarked on a joint life together on that basis it would have been reasonable to divide split living expenses on a pro rata basis.

if he had supported your decision to switch to a lower paid job it would be reasonable for him to subsidise that decision

As it is you made a decision he did not agree with. That's was your choice annd your right and you think you have done the right thing. However it's unreasonable to expect him to finance that choice.

Shop for food separately so that you are not subsidising his expensive tastes. When eating out insist on paying for what you’ve eaten and had to drink. That way you can eat a starter for a main course and drink tap water without being fearful of the 50/50 shared bill. As far as holidays are concerned it is perfectly acceptable to say I can’t afford to go.
Quite simply OP you’ve taken a dramatic pay cut but now need to cut your cloth accordingly.
if you are taking money out of savings to keep up with the lifestyle he wishes to lead you are jeopardising your future financial security in order to appease your partner and that’s not the answer to your current situation.

1- you need to be much more aware of the normal day to day spending that are coming out his account. It’s nice to say it has increased but by how much, is it the best deal etc….
No way you can budget ‘your’ expenses wo knowing how much you’re supposed to pay. At the very least, you need a joint account where that all common expenses are paid from (electricity, mortgage etc….)
2- Have you talked about what your financial arrangements are going to be once married. In particular, if you want children, ML, any time off etc etc…. Because if it’s anything other than in proportion of your wages/everything in the pot type of thing, I’d think twice.
3- rather than asking to pay more, refuse all the extra. Refuse going out, the fancy food, the hols and tell him you need to budget therefore you can only do <insert much cheaper version> Dint accept him paying ‘this time’ because he’ll use that against you. And just remind him that it will be like this until you have a better balance financially.

More to the point though, your fiancé has just told you he cares more about his bank account than your health/MH. You might want to think carefully if he is someone who cares and respect you enough to be the good LT partner a husband is supposed to be.

Whatever you do, do not have kids with this man.

If he's like this now, imagine what he would be like when you are on maternity pay!

I disagree with the posters criticizing you for changing your job. It sounds like law was not the career for you and you were in danger of burn out.

If he wants to buy expensive food or go out to restaurants knowing that you can't afford to, then he needs to fund that and not expect you to do the same.

It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

If you're splitting everything 50:50 despite the earning disparity, then really you're living a 62.5k life on a 35k income so it's hardly surprising you're struggling. I'm surprised you're only £200 short.

You may have chosen a different career but you are working, you were miserable before and your salary is expected to rise. 50:50 isn't fair when incomes are different and if he loves you then he should see finances as shared. I'd worry that if you had kids, he'd not pitch in any extra because you "chose" to take mat leave or whatever.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Don’t marry him! You have different values and fundamentally he is not prepared to put your wellbeing above his lifestyle. He will grind you down on maternity if you have kids and he sticks to this 50-50 thing. I can see other poster’s point about him not signing off on the job change, but the fact remains that you have an incompatibility on something hugely important. He is not for you.

This is insane to me, you aren’t in a house/flat share where it needs to be 50/50 you are engaged to be married! My husband earns over double what I do (50k vs 20k) and he pays much more of the bills than I do. Maybe I’m coming from this as someone who has never earned a large salary (and never will) but I am a big believer in doing what is right for you and your mental health and if getting a new job and taking a pay cut was what you needed to do, I feel like a partner should be supportive of that!

Before you marry this guy, you need to seriously consider his behaviour and whether you are right for each other anymore.
Sounds like he wants a different life style from you and doesn't care about your wellbeing. Was he really happy with you bringing home a large salary but never seeing you?!

I think you need to start saying no to the things you can’t afford, but also ask him how you are going to arrange your finances once married.

My DP out earns me by a considerable distance. Prior to having children we split everything 50/50, but once our first DC was born we split things disproportionately (in my favour) and he bought our house in joint names (which he pays for). I haven’t returned to work after second DC so we now have shared finances.

Now is actually not that difficult, but if your DP maintains this attitude throughout varying life circumstances it’s going to be very difficult.