For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Before you took the new job with the pay cut did you talk about finances and did he agree to step up and cover the short fall? I'm not saying he's right you're wrong but I can't imagine taking a significant pay cut without first discussing the implications and how they were to be resolved.
If you just decided to change jobs with no discussion then you're being unreasonable.

I think you're right in that I have to just start saying no to going out etc. I did bring up the food shop with him and he essentially said, 'My penny pinching days are over, I earn £90k and if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to'. I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

Yeah I think when he says this, you need to say “that’s great, but I dont earn £90k, so you’ll have to pay for this.”
And yes, he wants all these fancy expensive meals out so you’ll just need to start saying “sorry I can’t afford to go there, can we go to xyz instead?” Or just say you can’t go out full stop. It’s like he’s not quite getting it yet, but if you put your foot down more like this, he might start seeing sense.

There really shouldn't be unless someone is playing martyr. Two presumably young adults living in a flat together would have equal shared responsibility in it's upkeep. What mental load are you imaginging in this situation?

Of course it’s unfair for one half of a “partnership” to decide, without agreement with their partner, to quit their job and insist their partner cover them! Of course that’s unfair!

You can imagine all you like but I imagine OP would’ve mentioned it if that were true because she would’ve been earning a lot more than him when she was an NQ at a top firm - that pays £150,000-£200,000! I bet OP was very happy with him paying 50/50 when she was earning twice as much at him!

If she were on maternity or reduced her hours to be a housewife or was doing childcare then I’d agree with you. In reality, she quit her job and has chosen to do one that is easier and less stressful. He didn’t agree with that decision, he’s already subsidising her and she’s demanding more subsidy. She knew, at the point that she chose to quit, that he wasn’t prepared to be the sole breadwinner and wouldn’t financially support her. That is perfectly fair of him - in an unmarried relationship, where she didn’t pay more when she was earning more, and where there’s no children.

If OP were a man, she’d have been absolutely obliterated on this thread.

I really don’t understand couples who split their finances this way - there’s always going to be one person who’s worse off, and if you have kids/take maternity, that’s likely to be you!

DH and I have both of our salaries paid into a joint account. All bills come out of there, we work out how much we want to save and move that into a savings account, then we put an equal amount of “pocket money” into our individual personal accounts. Always equal, even though he earns 3 times what I do. I couldn’t be in a relationship where I’m fretting about buying a cup of coffee while he’s splashing the cash - it wouldn’t feel like a loving, mutually respectful relationship.

He's a selfish arse. I can't imagine living as a couple with somebody and not sharing everything. It's like a business relationship. Just move out of London on your own.

If your post is accurate : "So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware)." ... Then it's not so bad that his initial reaction is not, yes darling, whatever you want darling, his instinct is, huh? I'm already paying more... Now you talk again, when you've had time to process. You definitely should have a joint account for bills and mortgage that you both pay into and you are both responsible for - you should have been aware that the bills were increasing, that's on both of you that you weren't. You should talk through how you are both feeling, what your hopes and plans are, if you're going to have kids how you envisage that working both time-wise and financially. Then go away again and process. Then come back to the conversation. See this as the opportunity that it is is, to know NOW whether you really do both see yourselves as a team, united against the crap that life is going to throw at you (illness, redundancy, etc.). Take this seriously, both of you.

Yes this should have been a conversation BEFORE you gave up your well paid job! It’s not his fault you are in the situation you are in. You are clearly NOT a team…move on

In the short term, you need to prioritise the shared bills. That will mean saying no to expensive dinners/trips/evenings out, and probably separate food shops. I can see why he feels it's unfair when he wasn't on board with you changing careers.

However, long term it seems very unlikely that your relationship will survive when you don't have shared values. He doesn't support you and you don't have the same priorities as he does.

It is not chilling out for goodness sake. Working 9-5 in a job with good progression is not chilling out. It OP is chilling out then so is her partner, he’s just earning more for his chilling out because he’s been doing this particular type of chilling out for longer than she’s been doing hers.

I genuinely despair of all the people claiming OP made the “choice” to have an easier life. I assume none of you have ever experienced or witnessed close up what burnout actually does to a person. I have. You don’t ever recover from it. Not properly.

There absolutely is and this is just quite a naive (and rude) thing to say unless your personal experience was having no life before children.

There isn’t much mental load in a relationship without children.

Because if they are partners then he could stand to be a bit more supportive instead of expecting her to whip herself daily for trying to be happier in her career?

You’re being unreasonable so you shouldn’t expect him to effectively subsidise you - presumably you and him jointly own the house, so you should have thought much harder when deciding to quit your former job to work a job that pays less than the UK median. It’s you that needs to cut your cloth, not him.

Attitudes to money are usually entrenched and hard to shift so I really don’t think this relationship will carry on much longer. I would be looking to sell up but I get that would leave you in a financially precarious position unless there’s a huge amount of equity.

Interested to know @AnyPomegranate when you were run ragged working nights and weekends was your partner doing more 50% or more of the housework and cooking and cleaning etc? Or mental load? 🤔

People are referring to it as ‘chilling out’ because the OP has specifically said she took the lower paid job because it is less stress and much shorter hours - so yes, chilling out.

There is nothing wrong with that, I’ve made similar choices in life myself but I’m not sure why you want to pretend it’s not her motive when she had explicitly told us it is.

Well she said she has more earning potential however let's say she goes ahead and gets a 90k job next week, how is it fair to pay 50% of the costs when earning 35k and at 90k? They're supposed to be a partnership, if she's being cheeky by earning less yet paying proportionately more than he is, then why isn't he being cheeky by paying less proportionately of their joint basic costs? I'm not talking about luxury items btw, he should buy whatever else he wants with what's left over of HIS money, but they've decided to be partners and have bought an asset together, so he needs to get in the mindset of a partner.
OPs partner sounds like one of those guys who would suddenly "get it" if OP overtook his earnings, suddenly 50/50 wouldn't be so fair I imagine

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible though and please don't have children with him. He's all over the decision you made on your income but ignoring the conditions he's setting on your life also with determining where you live etc. It's not really just about money, he's not supportive. It gives me the absolute fear that you're going to end up tied to someone like that.

This. I love you but I can’t afford to stay here I’m going to have to move out of London and find somewhere cheaper whilst I build up my career. I can’t afford the life style at the moment.

God he sounds a selfish prick. DH & I have swopped roles over the years - at one point I was earning double what he did but now I have taken a step back into a less stressful more fulfilling role & earn significantly less. Our finances are shared so as long as we can cover the bills the larger earner just pays more and we have always fully supported the other to make the best/most sensible career choice which isn't always chasing the highest £££.
I would think very carefully before you marry this man. If you have children I can guarantee you'll be the one covering childcare out of your wages & having to use your savings during maternity leave because he won't let you stop contributing to the bills.

He is showing you who he really is. Quit while you can. He doesn't sound like a very loving partner.

If he has no empathy for his partner whose mental health was suffering working silly hours whilst he had nice normal hours and who had a long term plan that should get her back to where she was, then it’s not really very good is it?
It’s temporary, they should be working together as a team, working towards long term goals that make them both happy and equal. If he has to sub her for a while, then be should be doing so willingly. It’s not forever.

I too, would be worried about having kids.

At least you aren't married. That's east to break now...if you are trapped in a situation and you cannot afford to move, then you would be much more unhappy

It should be proportional once you're married, especially as he's insisting on living in an expensive bit of London rather than some place more affordable for you.

Ok, a couple of things.

You say he wasn’t supportive when you decided to change career. That’s a red flag in my book. My DH and I earn well and our lifestyle is based on that. However, if he told me he hated his job and it was making him desperately unhappy, I’d tell him to quit and we’d cut our cloth accordingly. A responsible adult will find another job to go to first before quitting, just as you have, but a loving relationship means not wanting your partner to be miserable just so you can live the lifestyle you feel entitled to.

I can, however, see his perspective on all of this. I was very briefly married before in my young adulthood.
My first DH was a dreamer and I very much carried him financially until I realised that his character was fundamentally lacking in any of the qualities needed to realise those dreams. I lost all respect for him and ended up feeling more like his mother than his wife. We got divorced. Barring children, disability or temporary situations, having a dependent partner rather than an equal one can be very damaging to some relationships. If he feels he is carrying you (I don’t know your relationship history) this may be why he’s not supportive.

I would tell him that this needs a full discussion or it may end your relationship and that both of you need to do 2 things in advance of your conversation: (1) state your own case. (2) think about what you think the other will say to make their case. Step 2 is actually the most important bit as it can really help lay the foundation for you to reach a compromise during that discussion. If you intend to have children in the future, make sure he has an answer for how he thinks that will work, too. If he tells you that he expects you to save for your maternity leave and carry on paying 50/50, run a mile!