For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Why is he solving a problem she created?

You need to find a new job - one that pays more.

In terms of how we're financing the wedding, my mum is loaning us money

Do not borrow money to fund a wedding-your relationship sounds on incredibly dodgy footing!

Your mum might need to lend you that money to help you get a house on your own before too long...

Sorry just saw marriage is on the cards. You need to discuss money before you get married- the set up you have no won’t be ok when you are married. Legally you are a unit so assets income etc is ideally pooled. Otherwise it is complex and requires a lot of thought.. what does he think will happen when you are married?? What do you think will happen when you are both married? I mean are you going to do separate food shops??? Really. And if there’s children later on how will paying for them work? I’ll bet you’ll be doing nearly all if not all of the drudgery and he’ll be penny pinching. Big big talk is needed. I’d be making sure he heard you on this before you get married. X

OP I'd think very carefully about having children with this man, he doesn't sound like he will be happy to support you when you are on maternity leave earning significantly less.

Do not have children with this man unless you are married and all money is pooled. See the millions of thread on mn where women do everything on a shoestring whilst husband controls all money - it’s financial abuse.

are you planning on marriage the two of you? It needs to be discussed… eventually if you are a couple you should be looking to put all
income into one account; and all bills paid for from this, savings included etc. Then what’s left is split between you somehow.

His behavior would concern me tbh and I would be questioning my commitment to him…

And if you start saying no, you can't afford it. And he goes anyway. Well, you will be afforded a preview of what your married life with this skinflint will look like.

I have lots of sympathy for you, having also quit a successful, but stressful, career once upon a time.

It seems to be that the two of you don’t share or communicate well. The news about increases in bills shouldn’t have been a surprise to you; how you were both going to manage a change and disparity in income levels should have been discussed and agreed much sooner. i think that lack of effective and honest communication about key issues is a red flag for any relationship, imo.

Better than being in rent? Judgemental match are you.

What's wrong with ranting. It's far better than a shared ownership property where the service charges are normally extortionate, and can and do increase at a moment's notice. You can't just get rid of a shared ownership property and it might be on salable once it's stock with an extortion at service charge. and with rental.You can just leave. It's much more flexible.

Ahhh, martyrdom and busy work? That's usually unasked for and not appreciated. If you choose to do unpaid admin for another adult, thats on you (and irrelevant here?)

What about HE starts a discussion on all the points you mentioned (even though I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t thought about many of them) instead to telling the OP to stuff it?

The issue here is not whether it’s better to stay in London etc…
It’s tge fact theyre getting married but can’t even contemplate having a discussion on what the future could look like.
It’s the fact he is assuming that it’s his way or the high way (ie I’m staying in london or we split OR I want this food therefore we’re buying it). It’s the fact Theres no negotiation going on. No allowances for the fact she has less money now
It’s the fact they’re not fully open with each other on finances. The fact prices went up and he saw cost of utilities going up but didn’t say a word about it says a lot.
It’s the fact he is blaming her. Theres no wish to help, support, put himself in her shoes.

But if OP wanted to be a housewife for the same reasons as reducing her hours because it was affecting her mental health and her partner didn't agree, would you also be saying he's being fair letting her go without? Your comment is basically saying her life has broken easier (even though it's gone to the same hours and level of stress as gis life) and that's unfair.

I don't think it sounds like he is getting all the downsides at all. He has someone paying in an equal amount that he does while he also gets them to pay 50/50 on lavish food or purchases that only he really wants leaving him with more left over and the OP actually short of money. You can argue it if you want but the person happier to their their partner without money while asking them to pay 50% of a takeaway only they want is a shit partner and you can't reasonably say they're the one getting the short straw. By paying 50/50 OP is already paying more % of her wage (something that's unfair apparently when reversed) and presumably has nothing left to save while he can squirrel money away and splash out while she pays 50% of a lifestyle he wants.

OP has only just said they didn't change the split when she earnt more, she hadn't actually said that before.

I say this as someone who earns much more than my DH and I gladly share everything I earn with him - but if he decided to drop his income dramatically I would probably feel quite resentful as that luxury isn’t open to me.

I wouldn't necessarily resent my Dh if he did that. I'd want to know why. If the job is causing stress or ill health id gladly encourage him to decrease hours/pay

However after 35 years together ive learned that fiance in a relationship is a roller coaster. There's been times when both of us have had little money, when one has out earned the other or we've both been the same. The only consistent thing is we've both had each other's backs and made sure the other is comfortable and not gone without. After all we are partners that care and look out for each other.

To be bankrolled by a partner then the partner needs to agree. Surely.

I don't really understand your question.

Of course there are places outside of London where millions of people live for under 35k a year.

Or is your point that she's better off in London being skint every month to live with a man that wants a lifestyle she can't afford?

After you

Don't marry the man. He's not acer you, he's after what he can get out of you

Oh don't be so pedantic. Yes it's life just as it is with those with kids. Doesnt mean there aren't a large proportion of grown men who don't 209% manage their own "life" or whatever you want to call it when they live with a woman which is why I was asking if he does everything for himself. Don't be so naive.

Yeah. One day a week travelling to London from somewhere outside reasonable commuter distance would cost hundreds of pounds and take at least 6-7 hours. Commuter belt is down as far as Portsmouth now for daily commuters!

OP is talking about him spending about 15% of his take home income and increasing his hours by about 15% too. But that’s no biggie - he should just do it, even though he doesn’t want to so that OP can have what she wants.

OP clearly has form for not thinking through her decisions and making poor financial choices. I’d be running for the hills.

She could get a shared ownership property - not ideal but better than being in the private rental sector and perhaps better than being in this relationship. She also has the advantage of her work not being location dependent.

Is this really a man you want to spend your life with. Any good partner would be more supportive about a career change if you were burning out. It isnt as if you've asked him to support you through college, you are earning a decent wage for a bottom rung role. You also have potential for more income too, so it's only a short term issue. He sounds quite selfish and there is better out there.

There is wayyyy more to this than some of the simplistic comments.

He is right - if he earns £90k he doesn't feel like he has to scrimp on food etc. You cut your earnings voluntarily, and it doesn't necessarily follow that he has to make up the difference. If you think your earnings will grow rapidly, then maybe you should fund the gap due to your career change from your own savings. I bet that's what folks would say if it was the other way round...

There are also a bunch of positives which you shouldn't forget. He is probably also thinking about things like paying the mortgage down, upsizing the home, paying for kids when they come along, saving for retirement etc.

Even staying in London - it's expensive in the short term, but in the long run maintaining London earnings and buying and paying off a London-priced home will see you much wealthier later in life. Moving somewhere cheaper for the benefits that come with a lower cost of living tends to be a 1-way ticket - it's much harder to then come back to the higher cost of living location if you find you want to a few years down the road.

Maybe your discussion with him should include all of the above? As if he's thinking about those things he is looking out for both of your futures anyway.

On balance I'd probably try to agree (and hopefully he would) something like a 60-40 split - which is probably a compromise for both of you. But you also owe it to the partnership to be bringing your income up again as quickly as you can.

People in relationships without children doesn't mean they have 100% separate lives - they share a property and a mortgage fgs, how is that not a mental load they should split or in most cases one partner has to take on responsibility of remortgaging, scheduling overpayments for example? Who is arranging for repairs? Who is remembering to buy a gift for X's wedding next month and arranging transport there etc?

I'm agreeing each adult should be responsible for their shares which is why I'm asking if that was the case when OP was working more hours and much more unsociable hours. I don't know why you're playing dumb that because people don't have children they don't have shared life admin and that women tend to do more of it u paid and unrecognised by men who insist on 50/50 everywhere else

Something that I don't think has been mentioned - the OP wants to move out of London. How easy is to sell the it property? How much equity? Is it a flat? Leasehold? Cladding? Location? When is the fixed term of the mortgage due to end? Were these things considered before changing job?