For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

OP is happy to spend less and move somewhere cheap. She's now subsiding his lifestyle.

OP just tell him that either he accepts that you're moving somewhere cheap and can't afford the things he wants to do or that he's going to have to chip in. We were on far far less but dh was never tight about "his money" before we got married.

And that is a fair point why is the house split 55/45 on deposit but 50/50 on mortgage - he is basically gaining 10% of the payment

at the very least it should be 55/45 that is £150 each payment so far

Incidentally, what did he say when you proposed that you would like to reduce your hours down?

And did household expenses figure in the discussion? But I have no idea how people manage to live together if they don't have joint finances. DH and I rise and fall together with money.

What about “making big decisions collectively”.

If my partner jacked in their job for me to make up the financial difference without us clearly agreeing this - I would have an issue.

Are you planning kids because will it still be the 50/50 then
is everything else 50/50 housework etc

I think you need a long hard chat about the future how it will all work once you are married and the impact a huge mortgage is having

and then make some very hard decisions about your future

Would it make any noticeable difference if you at least paid the mortgage as per your split? I totally understand the share being different based on what was put in, but why pay 50% of the repayment and not 45%?

Sorry I see you did discuss, he opposed it and you did it anyway. I am not sure what the solution is. You have very different approaches to relationship finance and poor communication skills. You need pre-marital therapy to properly discuss these big topics.

I wouldn't spend much on a wedding, OP, because I can't see your relationship lasting much longer. He doesn't want to share with you and you want some of his money. It's not a good match, is it? You started off equal and that's how he liked it. You didn't share when you earned more than him, but now that you're earning a hell of a lot less - completely voluntarily - you want him to fund you.

You'd have to be insane to borrow in order to marry, especially borrowing from your mum and even more especially when you don't have a clear repayment plan. Between you you earn over £100K - why are you borrowing money to get married anyway? You know damn well you'll get carried away with the wedding and it'll end up costing a fortune. He will then say he didn't want chair covers or whatever and when you split up he'll want you to pay that debt.

You are clearly rubbish with money. You don't even know what proportion of your home that you own. Live within your means and if you do marry, marry within your means, too.

Difficult.

When you were a high earner with no kids, did you build up savings to support yourself through retirement-training / career change!

Honestly, I think you are asking a lot of your partner. To financially support you , and to move out of London! Someone who loves living in London ( me!) would not be happy to move out at this stage. Selling and buying is hugely expensive, I doubt you have yet built up much equity and moving back will be even more expensive.

But… is this exposing fault lines in your relationship? The unequal domestic work would make me very wary.

Are you planning children in the longer term? If so how would he then view finance pooling and domestic / child related work?

In the shorter term how does he see things after marriage? Does he still envisage separate finances? Does he see marriage as a ‘with all my worldly goods ..’ type contract? Did you plan marriage before or after your salary cut?

In an ideal world someone who is your life partner needs to be team partnership: you are at one over how you respectively support both the partnership and each other.

At the moment he is not in the same page as you over your roles in the partnership.

It’s a conversation that goes beyond who pays for what.

Would couples counselling help as a way to have the wider conversation?

Don't bother to get married then.

What about "for richer, for poorer?"

OP, although you point out that your gross household income is 25k higher now you are on 35k and 90k rather than both on 50k, the tax bands mean that your net household income has increased by less than half that. (~ 12,400 unless you have investment income).
The median average salary in London is 47k. Your decision to take a less-stressful job seems to be predicated on your DP shouldering the financial strain for a few years until you are earning well again, and he doesn't want to do that.
Of course many couples are ok with that, and DH and I have both taken it in turns to be the high earner, but if your DP is not comfortable shouldering that responsibility then there has to be a conversation about how you jointly go forward with something more sustainable than you living off your savings, before you do something as serious as getting married.

I think you should consider doing some sort of financial counselling as you are both approaching this very differently. Couples need to work together once you’re sharing things and if you have children together, that will make any niggles much worse.

You sound like you have somewhat different priorities in life, but most importantly very different ideas about how relationships work and what makes a true partnership. I don't think getting married when you aren't on the same page is a good idea. It sounds as if you imagine a somewhat more traditional relationship where everything is shared and "family money", and soon-to-be-DH is happy to shoulder more of the financial burden. He wants more of a modern partnership where you both aim to earn and contribute equally - rather more like a partnership of two individuals rather than a traditional married couple where "the family" comes first. Neither of these types of relationship is necessarily wrong if you both love each other, want the same thing and have a clear vision of how it will work, are flexible and good at compromising sometimes etc - but getting married when you don't have the same vision isn't likely to end well, especially if you plan to introduce children into the mix.

I agree with him. But then you have a difficult decision to make.

Did you discuss with him before quitting your job and what this means in the short and long term?

I would also write up a loan agreement that you BOTH sign…if he’s not willing to sign then don’t marry him.

You are taking a big risk getting married to someone who is selfish with money.

You can't assume you will always both be able to max out your earnings - there are often bumps along the way - kids, health problems, job losses etc etc

The main thing is to approach all your decisions, including money as a team, not as individuals or flatmates.

This doesn't get better when you have children and go on maternity leave. Your income is further reduced, your lifelong earnings are reduced, you will probably end up paying nursery fees. Have the hard conversation now about money, before you are married.

You would be an absolute fool to marry or have children with this man.

he couldn’t be clearer via his actions about the fact that he doesn’t see the two of you as a partnership.

dismiss his obvious feelings it at your peril.

What's with the attitude? You do know it's possible for it to be neither martyrdom or busy work and just be shit that needs doing that can't be left undone? Do I personally want to do absolutely everything with my partner that requires one person to do it? No, I'm happy to sit down and look at our bills for example, I just think it's fair that it's acknowledged particularly if one partners being an arse about 50/50 fairness so it's absolutely relevant if he's also watching OP do more at home.

I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.
The solution is you pool your money and buy what the person doing the food shopping wants to buy, within that joint budget.
If you were made redundant, would he chuck you out and expect you to starve?
Either share all your finances or leave him. Those are the only two options.

So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage

In a good relationship, this would be phrased as "We need to sit down and talk about our finances".

Totally agree it's on both of them to discuss, and pretty important to have these conversations before getting married, as maybe they'll discover they just aren't compatible. And you're right - he may not be considering those future costs and how to build a good financial future - we can't know.

I can't agree on the utilities point - we're actually going to blame him for just silently paying the increased cost rather than itemising the increases and asking for more every month? That sounds like a positive, not a negative.

I still think there's a balance of short-term and long-term here, and his attitude to finances may be a good thing for the long-term, even if not (from OP's viewpoint) for the short-term.

Also your mum lending you the money for wedding to me is a huge red flag.. I think you should postpone it until your DH can see what being married entails…!