For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Or any type of decent man

the house spilt is 55/45 yet the mortgage payments are 50/50

all the decisions are based around what he wants

I suspect the housework isn’t 50/50

he will make an awful dad and husband!

is he paying towards the wedding?

Agreed. Marriage means two people becoming one. I don’t actually think either is wrong but of they cannot reach a mutual agreement now I doubt this marriage will last. Good to reassess now before the wedding day.

I would postpone the wedding, as I can see a divorce in a few years time as you are not both on the same page re so many things.

Why would you get yourself into debt to pay for a wedding, even if it is to your mother you would be owing the money.

How much is he contributing to the wedding.

Say no to the holidays and eating out.

Overall YANBU. However, it does sound a bit like you've decided to change careers unilaterally and I could understand why that might annoy him as he now needs to contribute more.

There are two possibilities here- either you fundamentally value different things- for him it is money, whilst you value quality of life. You may no longer be compatible.

Or, you've moved into a lower paying job and will climb back to earning more- closer to what he earns or more than he earns. In which case he isn't acting like a partner in a relationship and is a selfish ass. If you end up earning more than him, watch the worm turn.

Either way, I wouldn't marry him.

Get some legal advice if you can.

I think the main issue here it appears he did not agree to you cut your hours and he not a provider type of man.

Hello @AnyPomegranate

Ive read all your posts - but not the full thread.

I worked those hours for a firm in London. I get it. You’ve made the choice you’ve made - but I would be very encouraging about a good life in law outside London. But it is what it is.

It seems to me that the balance in this relationship is off. When all is well and you’re conforming things seem ok. When things aren’t balanced exactly nothing can be adjusted and then there is no room for negotiation. Like he wants you to pay for his expensive items - that’s taking advantage.

I would not get into debt for your wedding - especially from your mother. Save for it - see if he will make the sacrifice / invest in it ahead of time. Or cut your cloth to suit.

If he doesn’t need to be in London for work (seems like only one day a week) the he is choosing his comfort over your ability to live.

He has you in a double bind. He wants you to live a life you can’t afford, but won’t share resources.

Get financial counselling before marriage at a minimum. It will only get worse from here and you’re clearly not happy.

Divorce him, take half of everything you have, buy somewhere up North for a fraction of the price and find someone who doesn't treat you like a housemate.

My partner gave up a high paying job and now I am the higher earner. I just pay more than him. We have kids and I needed him happy and healthy, not worked to the bone and miserable.
If youbare planning a life, marriage and kids then you both have to want the same things. What would have hapoened if you stayed in corporate law and were on say 200k to his 90k. What would you think is fair. I would think its fair for 200k person to pay more than the 90k person. If you would be happy with that then you should suggest that tbe tables could very well turn again, or get even more skewed if you were on mat leave or had a child with additional needs and needed to stay home.
Its a good time to have all of these discussions.

Totally agree. DH have a similar earnings disparity, no kids but we split everything proportionately to what we each earn. I think his attitude tells you a lot about who he is as a person, OP, and in my opinion YANBU.

Threads like this tend to attract some very depressing responses on MN, though. If a person (of either sex) isn't working full time and beyond and earning the highest salary they can (regardless of childcare needs or the absence of them) then that person is apparently a cock/fanny lodger. I see so many posts on threads like this that read as money-obsessed. There are so many other things in life that matter too when two people are living life together supposedly as a team.

I wrongly assumed she had no savings (sorry).

OP has said she’s borrowed money for the wedding.

You don't need separate food shops, you need separate lives.

@AnyPomegranate can you communicate all of this to him that you don’t want to spend money on that stuff and reach a compromise

1. payments should be at least 55/45 to reflect the split

but also if he only wants things one way (his) and won’t compromise at all or listen to you is this how you want your life to be?

This is the crux of the problem isn't it, if you don't agree, what then? Why should her fiance get his way, why should OP get her way? Neither should happen IMO, anyone married or seriously planning on getting married should have been able to come to a solution to this problem between themselves before decisions were made, compromise is what it is all about.

The fact that her fiance is so rigid in his thinking that OP has had to do what she needs to do for her mental health without his approval proves that they are not compatible for marriage in the slightest and he will never care about her more than he cares about her financial input and his lifestyle.

Don't get married OP and don't ever consider having children with him, the fact that you are borrowing the wedding money from your mum instead of him financing it is another red flag, are you sure he is as keen on marriage as you are? Think VERY long and hard before you tie yourself to him legally!

I think that though I have some sympathy with the op. Married couples or those living together and have a child or children usually do work out finances proportionately but in this case she needs to pay an equal share or else not do all the expensive things her partner enjoys (and no doubt she also enjoys). It was her choice to take a substantial cut in salary and earning £35k is really not much, something has to go.

I agree with others that 50/50 is unfair when he owns a larger share of the property, not that this would make a huge dent, but it's the principle. I wonder what difference it would make if backdated too.

I would want a clear understanding on expectations if you have children. I just don't see him changing his current stance and would expect 50/50 forevermore, even if you take a huge financial hit for maternity and childcare reasons.

I'd be thankful to have seen the future with him while I had a chance to change it, and I'd get out of the relationship.

What has led you to make these assumptions?

similar to me and my DH i earn around the same as you and he earns 140 + 100% bonus. he pays for far more than me. actual mortgage we divide 50/50 (only about £500 each) and he pretty much pays for everything else. would be entirely unfair for me to pay the same or even just £200 less. youre supposed to be building a life together, he is coming off as stingy.

it could be argued she's financially supporting his lifestyle

Only in Wonderland.

Splitting joint costs in the fairest way isn't financially supporting someone though. Id agree if OP was staying at home and not earning or contributing anything. Instead she's earning less, paying more as a proportion of her income towards their JOINT costs and paying more towards their joint asset while owning less of it. A 50/50 split looks fair on the surface but usually it deceptively is benefitting the higher earner in a way it could be argued she's financially supporting his lifestyle, it's just not as obvious.

Completely off topic, but what industry have you gone into?
Back on topic, I don’t think either of you are particularly in the wrong here, but I’d be nervous for your married life. He seems to want the big shot high flying wife and lifestyle to match, you seem to be prioritising a steadier pace of life with less luxuries but more time.
Both valid choices, but both very removed from each other

Honestly, I don't understand the point of being married if it's not to pool your resources and support each other when needed. If you're planning to have kids, OP, you sound on the road to potential financial abuse.

It is relevant because on top of having her mental health on the floor and wanting to be hit by a car on the way to work, OPs partner wasn't even supporting her by picking up the slack on labour around the house while he has more free time just like he expects a 50/50 split financially while he has more money and is financially benefitting from her contributing 50% to an asset she'll only get 45% back on when they sell. I'm not detailing the thread, I was asking to see if OPs partner believed in fairness as a principal or only when it benefits him.