For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Sure, that approach will really help 🙄

Health comes first, always.

You sound lovely OP - caring, hardworking, ambitious and pragmatic.

A loving partner would want you to be mentally well and would support you in making changes to your life to ensure you stay well. You of course would do exactly the same for him.

Together you would work as a partnership to find solutions to your housing and lifestyle following a change of career due to health issues.

You deserve to be with somebody who prioritises your health and well-being over throwing whatever he wants in a trolley.

As a PP wisely said - you don't need separate food shops, you need separate lives.

He sounds incredibly mean. I wouldn't get married to him if I were you.

if he's not able to work with you on this budget I doubt he's going to be the most supportive person as a life partner. Set aside a day at the weekend to do some life planning and see if he's serious about it all. If not go live somewhere cheaper and nice by yourself....

If you are getting married and creating a family this mine is mine and yours approach is likely to fail because there is a lot of extra cost involving child care maternity leave income loss etc.
I get why he things like this now, he was reluctant to you dropping your career, and he see the finances as separate. But the key here is if he is going to continue like this in the future.
You need to have a proper conversation about the future now before is late.
Do not assume you will earn more in the future if you are going to have kids. Maternity is stressful and more if you work full time. I know what I'm talking about because I am single mother working full time.
Think about the future as a whole and if you are not in the same page about finances think about leave the relationship before you get stuck with a single income and kids. Everything is possible.

Would you say the same thing if both partners were fairly high earners and then the man gave up his job for something less stressful and earned less?

Would you expect the higher earning woman to pay for her male partner's choice to earn less?

Changing career is one thing but it has to be a joint decision.

But then I can't, as ever in these conversations about family finances on MN, get my old head around percentages per person, etc., when couples are in a marriage and bringing up children.

Unless one partner has a drink/gambling problem surely to god incomes are for the family and used as such, not dished out according to earnings.

It's all very well young women paying percentages, equality & fairness and all that, but later it will likely be the woman who loses out financially in the long run, as she is the one who will give birth and have primarily responsibility for the children and this will affect her career and earning potential.

Yep - Little bit muggy.

Amazed it was agreed she'd pay 50% for 45% equity at time of purchase given they are both lawyers.

This is not the situation though? She says the house is held 45/55, not just a ringfenced deposit. When it comes to selling, therefore, he will receive 55%. Makes sense that he would pay 55% of the outgoings at least. Although I am of the view outgoings should be proportionate to income.

Not her share of the mortgage though…other things like she said the holidays etc…she needs to say no.

Yep, either works, as long as it’s properly reflected. Have done both in my time!

She is trying to cut her cloth accordingly, he won’t let her.

There's a difference between ring fencing your deposit and owning different shares of the property though and again opinions vary on this when marriage and partnership are involved and when one partner is left financially vulnerable and short of money with this split, while the other isn't and they get to financially benefit more when they split as well.

@Westfacing mine did, mine did exactly that started a new career at the bottom and worked his way up. The first couple
of years were very much me supporting him until his earnings where back and then we decided to have a baby and go on maternity leave and over time his has grown.

we were in it together and made sacrifices together in terms of lifestyle and holidays and all were joint decisions

Why the fuck are you considering marrying this person? What happens when/if you decide to have a family? Will he expect you to pay even you’re on maternity allowance?

tell him that expenses need to be proportionate as of now, that you need equal amounts of fun money and that you can’t afford to use up all of your money on the mortgage as before.

be firm now, it’s crunch time

Or unless he’s ringfenced his share of the deposit while they share the remaining equity equally. Which is definitely what I’d do.

@AnyPomegranate you mentioned he owns slightly more of the house - that should be reflected in the % of mortgage you pay, unless you aim to eventually pay in the extra to bring you to 50:50?

I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

Oh, call me old-fashioned - well I am old but do keep up to date with how couples these days seem to split finances - but how on earth can you intend to get married when you're contemplating having separate food shops?

You did rather test your partner's love for you when you gave up your big legal career after taking out a mortgage - imagine if a guy did this!

But she couldn’t afford the mortgage without him…he on the other hand could! He is subsidising her, she signed up to pay half and the. Reduced her pay when he wasn’t keen, and now wants to pay less..SHE needs cut her cloth accordingly

She is not overpaying her share.

That makes no sense.

If I pay the 20% deposit then a fair split is for my deposit % to be ringfenced and we split the rest 50/50 which the remaining mortgage payments do.

The split is fair.

Of course but he should be paying that share if the repayments as well then, not expecting he to pay 50% of the repayment and only get 45% of the equity

She's overpaying her share of the mortgage while he underpays and is paying 50% of the cost of items he wants and insists on buying allowing him to be left with money left over for himself. Hardly Wonderland.

The house split seems fair based on the fact he provided more of the deposit.

A cocklodger is generally described as a man doing fuck all work both in and out of the house and expecting the woman to run herself ragged keeping him in his preferred lifestyle. OP is working hard and is willing to compromise on lifestyle. She’s not asking her partner to subsidise her lifestyle, she’s saying she cannot afford to subsidise his. She is willing to cut back, he is not, and he expects her to keep losing money every month in order to maintain his spending levels. The only reason OP is asking him to pay more of the mortgage is because he won’t accept any reduction of lifestyle. If he’s insisting on the lifestyle he should pay for it. It certainly wouldn’t be acceptable for OP to be expecting her partner to pay for her to have expensive habits, but it’s also not acceptable for him to be expect her to live beyond her means to keep up with him. She’s doesn’t earn as
much as him. Even if we ignore how disgusting it is that he would have preferred her to have a mental breakdown than leave her job, right now his choice is that he can either pay more to subsidise OP, or he can accept that she will not be joining him in his extravagant lifestyle, he’s refusing to do either and demanding that she keep losing money every month.

For goodness sake OP just leave him. A man who refuses to compromise when your mental health is crumbling is not a man you want to settle down with.