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Original poster

Feel like my ex is dictating everything

34 replies

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 06:22

Hi bit long winded but I’m mum of 2 (teen ) and my 3year old, the father to my 3 year old and I have been split for over 2 years , due to binge drinking and his behaviour (long story short)
after the break up there was controlling and threatening behaviour I was granted a court order for 12 months (ran out now) my ex would take my son and never let me know how long he was having him wouldn’t give him back or just generally mess about too long to go in to
he will never agree on set days as he says he works so a lot of time he just gets him and when I ask when is he home he just says he’s keeping him for few days or when my 3 year old wants to come home , in past he often says he will go for custody full time he’s better off etc he prefers being with his dad he says.
my 3 year old really plays up when he comes home n uses bad language even calling me names that daddy has said n the last few times always says he wants his dad , dad takes him camping , fishing bikes and it’s amazing for my son he never stops
I feel like I’ve got no control over my son and I don’t know when he’s getting him or when am having him until , my ex has said when he gets somewhere he wants him more and I can just live my life and Iv already got a child ..it upsets me all of a sudden my toddler doesn’t want me , he knocks to collect clothes with him and my toddler won’t even look at me , and I don’t know if I just feel like am being selfish or if I should just go along , but everything is on his terms n am so emotional

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:16

But I know it’s important for my son I want him to have a healthy relationship with his dad but routines are important I think asking him when he wants to see him or when he wants to come or what he wants to do is just too young isn’t it ?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 01/08/2025 07:13

Just because he works doesn’t mean he can’t stick to a schedule. Go back to court and get a set pattern. Don’t let him carry on like this with no idea when he will return.

Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:12

Thankyou. In my mind I know it’s the right route , but then I see my son wanting his dad and I just feel guilty or selfish and seem to forget the past it’s been horrendous ,

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/08/2025 07:10

Court order.

RandomMess · 01/08/2025 07:07

This is why you get court ordered agreement, your DS needs a routine.

I’m unsure if you can ask to have a penal order attached from the get go but that means the police could arrest him for failure to return your son as per the CAO.

Can you currently evidence you are the primary carer- receive CB, take him to the majority of health appointments, pay for nursery and liaise with them etc?

Move communication to a court approved parenting app. Ask him to go to mediation. Put in writing always from the point of view what is best for your DC and appropriate for his age. That he needs to see both of you regularly and there needs to be routine. You can suggest shared parenting of 60:40 to you so share weekends etc again he won’t agree but it shows a paper trail that you are reasonable.

Does he have family looking after him? You can include that whilst it’s good for DS to spend time with his paternal family it shouldn’t be to the detriment of his relationship with you.

Does he take him to nursery? If so you can collect him from there. If not you include that it’s detrimental to DS to miss nursery on many consecutive days.

Next time he takes and withholds him you apply for an emergency court hearing to establish as primary parent (not sure of the correct current term) and have him returned to you.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/08/2025 07:02

Sounds like you really need to go to court and get it sorted

Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 06:51

my sons in private nursery so he will just go and collect him from the nursery , he will sometimes have him 3 or 4 nights(in past up to 11days) but then he might go missing for a bit , he rarely gives me a day he will be home just says until my son wants to come home , and now he’s saying he wants a place he’s entitled to one as he has my son majority of time

OP posts:
Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 06:34

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Undethetree · 01/08/2025 06:30

Go to court and get the custody in writing. Record everytime your ex doesn't abide by the court order.

Only communicate with him via a solicitor or a court app like Talking Parents.

Take control of this, you can!