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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel like my ex is dictating everything

34 replies

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 06:22

Hi bit long winded but I’m mum of 2 (teen ) and my 3year old, the father to my 3 year old and I have been split for over 2 years , due to binge drinking and his behaviour (long story short)
after the break up there was controlling and threatening behaviour I was granted a court order for 12 months (ran out now) my ex would take my son and never let me know how long he was having him wouldn’t give him back or just generally mess about too long to go in to
he will never agree on set days as he says he works so a lot of time he just gets him and when I ask when is he home he just says he’s keeping him for few days or when my 3 year old wants to come home , in past he often says he will go for custody full time he’s better off etc he prefers being with his dad he says.
my 3 year old really plays up when he comes home n uses bad language even calling me names that daddy has said n the last few times always says he wants his dad , dad takes him camping , fishing bikes and it’s amazing for my son he never stops
I feel like I’ve got no control over my son and I don’t know when he’s getting him or when am having him until , my ex has said when he gets somewhere he wants him more and I can just live my life and Iv already got a child ..it upsets me all of a sudden my toddler doesn’t want me , he knocks to collect clothes with him and my toddler won’t even look at me , and I don’t know if I just feel like am being selfish or if I should just go along , but everything is on his terms n am so emotional

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Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 18:34

Thankyou littleowl153 you’ve broke it down to what I was thinking , don’t think there’s another way I will be applying for a child arrangement order I am going to also seek some advice , he words it in a way where am wanting routine for me he always says stop thinking about you and your selfish but I don’t think routine is selfish , I feel slowly my son will drift away so it’s giving me the push

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LittleOwl153 · 01/08/2025 16:44

Please go to court and get this in place before you have to apply for school places i assume next year?

He is messing you about with days trying to take primary custody which will then give him child benefit and cms from you ... yes that's where he is heading. I assume he's wanting council housing... defianteky a child will help with that but if he is working he will have to pay- unless of course it is under the table...

Your kid is suffering from the uncertainty. Of course if dad is saying so you want to go back to mums or go fishing tomorrow he's going to say fishing. He says he wants to go to mum - oh shall we go to mcdonalds.... over and over until in the end he says no I want mum. The poor kid is probably being told you dont want him hence the bad words - wha5 is that doing to him?

Court will give him a routine. It will squash the idea of him getting a house if you get anything other than 50/50 and secures your cb and cms. It also means you can stop him from taking him from nursery and later school as and when he fancies - which is really damaging.

Go to court. Sort things out for you and your son.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/08/2025 16:43

Op read up on parallel parenting. That’s your best bet with an abuser, not co parenting.

And do go back to court. It sounds like he is using your son to get council housing. And then what? It’s very likely he will just ditch him. That will be so confusing for your son. Your son deserves stability and you are the only parent who is putting your sons interests first

Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 16:29

Hi sorry about the confusion , he’s living at his parents house but is going on saying he thinks he’s entitled to a place because he has him 50 50 when he makes decisions on when he just gets him , I’ve mentioned us going to court he said doesn’t need to be involved, he’s happy with just getting him when he wants and it’s my child decision and obviously I’ve just gone along but I’m seeing the affects now , I’ve been thinking things will be different when he goes to school it will get better but the way he’s talking about getting a place and wanting him more I just think he’s planning on keeping him longer , it’s so hard to explain and sometimes i don’t know if am doing the right thing , he’s not been the easiest to co parent with it’s always so up n down , he’s ok when things are going his way

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Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 15:02

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Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 15:00

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Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 14:56

he’d damaged my car previously an I couldn’t be bothered with the stress n threats , they couldn’t find him as his parents said he doesn’t live there after numerous attempts

my priority is getting some routine in my sons life not about money I’ve tried his way and it’s not working

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Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 14:48

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Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 13:10

Thankyou for all your support , your right I am dithering and I’m just going along with it I wanted court as a last resort ! I applied for child maintenance and he threatened me he had previously damaged my vehicle (hence injunction ) and says he takes him out and spend on him so that’s fine n he lives between mum n dads
its the whole control your right and uses my son I do feel like he’s trying to alienate him from me , he’s blaming me saying why should he pay out for a property when he has him 50/50 he should get help when nothing is official it’s just a mess court is only solution THANKYOU

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 01/08/2025 10:53

Go to court - that's the answer, it's the only answer. Go to court.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/08/2025 10:47

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

I know , he’s pressuring me to say he lives with him full custody so he can get housing he says it’s not fair he should be entitled to housing if he minds my son ( he earns good money but says he shouldn’t have to spend on renting ) so my mind is thinking I need to go to court it’s all a lot 😩

It sounds like parental alienation on his part if your toddler is coming home parroting phrases about you that his dad has said.

Definitely speak to a solicitor and a charity such as Rights of Women. Men like your ex will use their children and custody arrangement to continue their abuse of their ex-partners. That seems to be what your ex is doing.

You need a CAO where access arrangements are set out and agreed. If he then breaks them, you can take him to court.

RandomMess · 01/08/2025 10:38

Not having a home is going to prevent him having overnight contact. He’ll have to spend some £ and rent at least a room somewhere.

You can ask the police to do welfare checks if he takes him without your permission from nursery especially as you have no idea of where he is taking and keeping your son.

Do you have his car registration?

No wonder your DS is very distressed when he returns he finally feels safe.

Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 08:42

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Digitalhen · 01/08/2025 08:31

He doesn’t have a place to live to bring up your son? But you do?

Do you have anyone irl to seek help and advice from?

This sounds like an awful situation for you to be in, I’m sorry, you must miss your son .

BlueMum16 · 01/08/2025 08:30

Just go to court. Get some set days. If you ex can accommodate 50:50 then your DC will have routine and access to both parents equally.

If ex can't manage 50:50 right now you and your DC will have set arrangements.

Stop dithering and take some control back.

Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 08:09

there are no set days , sometimes in past he can go weeks without seeing him , the last few weeks he asks for him and then will just say il have him until he wants to go home or collect from nursery and keep him off the majority and say he’s taking him away or out etc , it’s hard to trust him because in past I’ve asked for him back and he will refuse or so he’s away there’s so much to go in to I ask for set days but he can’t give as he says work and he doesn’t have a permanent home so I’ve just gone along but im finding it difficult , he’s saying when he gets a place he wants him more so am not sure how this would work in court ?

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Digitalhen · 01/08/2025 08:06

You say you want your son to have a healthy relationship with his father. Do you want him to have a healthy relationship with you too? If your son is calling you names he hears from his dad it’s not a healthy relationship dynamic. It’s not respectful to you as his mother in any way. You as his mother have the right to say to the nursery you are collecting him. Please get some legal advice if your ex cannot stick to a regular healthy agreed upon joint schedule. Children need regular reliable schedules and predictability to thrive. The whims and wants of fun times by a child isn’t providing what they truly need. Are you sure those days missing are not the binge drinking episodes you describe? That your son is now part of? Is that a possibility?

Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 07:53

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Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:35

no he doesn’t live with my ex for no reason , I work and have put him in nursery days I work , he being nice asking me and as soon as I said I won’t be lying and saying he lives with you he called me all kinds and threatened me

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Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:33

Thankyou I just feel helpless I know my son loves his dad and I’ve tried to put it off for so long but I feel like my son is so different when he comes back and his little head must be so confused , I had to go to court over his controlling and abusive behaviour towards me , but I will begin the process I’ve got to I just wanted advise from someone looking in as sometimes I think is it just me

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Comtesse · 01/08/2025 07:29

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

I know , he’s pressuring me to say he lives with him full custody so he can get housing he says it’s not fair he should be entitled to housing if he minds my son ( he earns good money but says he shouldn’t have to spend on renting ) so my mind is thinking I need to go to court it’s all a lot 😩

Do not say he lives with your ex for ANY reason. That could come and back and bite you.

Wish44 · 01/08/2025 07:24

The hard work now for court wil be worth it once there is an order in place and you can build a schedule. This will also be better for your child. Who yes is too young to decide where they should be.

you can apply online yourself and do not need a solicitor ( though it’s best to have one for court)

do it op. This man is ruining your child.

good luck

Meadowfinch · 01/08/2025 07:23

Go back to court, get set days agreed, then I would change nursery, and have your ex collect your child from home.

Original poster
ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

I know , he’s pressuring me to say he lives with him full custody so he can get housing he says it’s not fair he should be entitled to housing if he minds my son ( he earns good money but says he shouldn’t have to spend on renting ) so my mind is thinking I need to go to court it’s all a lot 😩

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ComfortFoodCafe · 01/08/2025 07:19

Go to court and get it in writing. If toddler doesnt look at you sounds like hes being abusive to the toddler and saying things.

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