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Original poster

New Partner - Herpes - too many outbreaks?

61 replies

AlienSupaStar · 31/07/2025 18:15

Posting here for traffic. If it's inappropriate please report and I will get it moved.

Summary: I have met a man who I really, really like. He is attractive, kind, respectful, emotionally intelligent, intellectually curious, respectful of my co-parenting responsibilities and makes me happy.

He told me almost immediately that he has cold sores and has herpes outbreaks down below. I cant tell you how much I appreciated this honesty - we hadn't done anything at all yet at this point; not even a kiss - but he was so honest and clear and answered any questions I had etc. I have so much respect for how he handled it. I come from a culture where dishonesty by omission is quite standard when it comes to STI issues.

We have been seeing each other and it's great. I want to make it clear I have no issue with how he has handled it, or that he has it. He has fallen over himself to be communicative / keep me safe. We don't kiss when he has a cold sore obviously and we definitely have a very cautious approach to any other intimacy - he is fastidious about it.

He is respectful, considerate, communicative, careful and all this on top of the fact that I really like him.

My question is:

TLDR:
How often normally would you expect these outbreaks to occur?

Reason for asking is that he has had cold sores on his lips back to back for almost 3 weeks now. One went down and just when it was crusting over another one popped up.

Down below, it seems to take a really long time for them to heal and he absolutely shuts down any touching etc during these periods (rightly so, not complaining) but it just seems like these are a lot of outbreaks.

He doesn't eat well. He does a physical job and when he gets in he just eats anything. I have tried to add in more veg etc to our joint meals, more fruit, vitamins etc but I just feel like he is really run down. I am also not ready to sign up to doing all the cooking - we are just seeing each other at this point.

We haven't had a clear run of uninterrupted intimacy (from kisses to other things) for more than a week I don't think in 8 months. Is that normal?

I want to be sensitive; I in no way want to tell him how to manage his health but I wondered if this outbreak frequency is too high? It seems to be, to me, although I don't know much about it.

Any suggestions from anyone?

Other than trying to get him to look after himself more (diet, exercise) and trying to calm my fanny gallops, I'd really appreciate some ideas / lived experiences or anything. It just feels like it's very frequent.

TIA

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
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Mumsknot · 08/01/2026 17:47

@AlienSupaStar the reason I say this is I went out with someone who had it in 2016. I even went and got blood tests and all sorts and it said I didn’t have it and hadn’t picked it up from him. But a year or so later , I got an outbreak (having not slept with anyone in the intervening period). Turns out it can stay dormant and only when you get an outbreak and develop the antibodies does it show in your blood.

TealScroller · 08/01/2026 15:11

Avoiding kissing or sex while having sores helps, but it can still be transmitted if sores aren't present. I do think that he was very brave and responsible to let you know. He can take medication to help, but I think it's important to know that genital herpes is much more common than anyone thinks, I knew someone who had it and only ever had 1 outbreak (but told partners anyway). You could see how the relationship progresses, and if he's a decent sort he'll wait till you're ready.

Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 08/01/2026 15:06

Mumsknot · 04/01/2026 17:37

I have HSV2 but on my shoulder not on my genitals and it used to come as often as this (and that was when I was fit and healthy!). Post Covid it was even worse as Covid seemed to supercharge it and make it much worse.

The best treatment is Valtrex (Valacyclovir) which he can get from Superdrug Online. Note the stuff the NHS GP gives you (aciclovir) you have to take more often and people often forget which is why it doesn’t work as well. Valtrex you take once a day (and can take twice a day if needed).

btw even if you are not being intimate when he has outbreaks, he can still give it to you outside that time and you most likely already have it as it sounds like he has a vicious version of it

@Mumsknot

Thanks for your post and all the info in it.

I had no idea you could get it on shoulders.

I am slightly concerned that you say I might already have it. Why do you say that? I know about shedding but is there more I dont know?

This is all academic as we no longer see each other than to chat but I’d still like to know for my own information.

It seems a very cruel disease.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 08/01/2026 15:02

DurinsBane · 04/01/2026 13:30

Did you split with him?

Show quote history

@DurinsBane

Unfortunately yes. We are still friends though.

Am v sad about it all to be honest.

OP posts:
Mumsknot · 04/01/2026 17:37

I have HSV2 but on my shoulder not on my genitals and it used to come as often as this (and that was when I was fit and healthy!). Post Covid it was even worse as Covid seemed to supercharge it and make it much worse.

The best treatment is Valtrex (Valacyclovir) which he can get from Superdrug Online. Note the stuff the NHS GP gives you (aciclovir) you have to take more often and people often forget which is why it doesn’t work as well. Valtrex you take once a day (and can take twice a day if needed).

btw even if you are not being intimate when he has outbreaks, he can still give it to you outside that time and you most likely already have it as it sounds like he has a vicious version of it

DurinsBane · 04/01/2026 13:30

AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 20:53

@Batherssss @itsobviousright (most relevant user name for this thread).
Thank you for your comments.

FML.

Oh well. It is what it is.

FML. Such a shame.

Edited

Did you split with him?

mondaytosunday · 03/08/2025 23:57

I have herpes outbreaks on my lips. I haven’t had one for years. They peaked as a teen, often triggered by the sun.

TesChique · 03/08/2025 23:40

This sounds extreme, he should be talking daily aciclovir for this level of outbreaks.

Rubes24 · 03/08/2025 23:28

Everyone is different! I caught it 10 years ago and have had one outbreak during that entire period. I know that people who have more than 6 a year can get suppressant medication from the GP (I took it myself during my pregnancies and it had no side effects.)

Stephanie2018 · 03/08/2025 22:04

itsobviousright · 31/07/2025 19:02

Does he have hsv-2 on his genitals, or hsv-1? Either way, this frequency of outbreaks and time its taking to heal is not normal, unless he is very newly infected. With this level of outbreaks, I'd not be pursuing a sexual relationship with him as he'll be infectious prior to an outbreak, and even wearing a condom doesnt fully prevent transmission

Yes early on in the infected stage you get much more outbreaks. I get cold sores and in the first year or so I had them all the time. Touch wood I just don’t get them anymore!

BabyCatFace · 03/08/2025 21:48

I've had type one on the genital area for 20 years or so and I almost never get outbreaks now. Was he infected very recently? He needs to take aciclovir every day and zinc supplements but PP are right that this is his issue to address not yours on his behalf.

violetcuriosity · 03/08/2025 21:41

That’s so many outbreaks, I take suppressive medication and haven’t had an outbreak in 5 years now. I should probably think about coming off it but it’s just part of my routine now.

Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 20:53

@Batherssss @itsobviousright (most relevant user name for this thread).
Thank you for your comments.

FML.

Oh well. It is what it is.

FML. Such a shame.

OP posts:
itsobviousright · 03/08/2025 12:54

At his outbreak frequency, you are at risk of infection at all times, active outbreak or not

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 12:41

You sound lovely OP but you are parenting a man you have just met.

Its a mistake.

Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 12:33

HenDoNot · 31/07/2025 19:10

This is not normal.

He is disinterested in looking after himself properly and giving himself half a chance of curbing these flare-ups.

Only 8 months in and you’re trying to sneak more veg, fruit and vitamins into his food and coax him into doing some exercise? He hasn’t thought to seek any medical advice… Will you have to phone the doctors and make an appointment for him too?

Are you not finding this a huge turn off?

@HenDoNot @Blessedbethefruitz

I hear what you are saying. Thanks for saying it to remind me. I have 2 kids of my own - I don't need to be managing someone else's health. To answer @HenDoNot I really am not comfortable taking responsibility for managing someone else's health long term. Hence the confusion/frustration. I am not doing "health-related wife work" stuff for someone ever again unless I actually want to.

To answer your question, he does have a high sex drive so it's not that or him using it as an avoidant tactic. It's actually incredibly frustrating. I am not suggesting I am some crazy irresistible sex pot or anything but there is absolutely, definitely, the most amazing chemistry and we do want to DTD more (all the time in my case!) but it's constantly interrupted. Basically his sex drive is evident but there are so many interruptions. It's frustrating.

@FioFioSILK - you are so right. Thanks for your reply.

@Lafufufu I hear you. But I really like him. Like - really like him.

@BunnyRuddington no, his lifestyle could definitely be improved. He drinks too much (in my opinion) and sleeps too little (again, in my opinion). Oh gosh, this is sounding awful now.

@CountryMumof4 I am so glad to hear that your friend managed to find a way to manage it. I hope he remains well.

It's such a shame.

I also don't want to judge - I don't think anyone actively asks for this kind of diagnosis.

I should probably declare under the safety of a name change that I do have a perhaps over sensitive/higher level of over empathy which might be clouding things.

My dad infected my mum with HIV after f*cking around relentlessly for years and I remember her absolute trauma at finding out she had this disease through no fault of her own and the stigma and the judgement and the paranoia that followed to the point that she became borderline OCD about not infecting other people etc. When my mum used to come and stay with me she would never use my towels, she would hand wash incessantly, used a different bathroom etc. It was heart-breaking to watch because HIV is not transmitted like that but she treated herself like a leper.

I guess he reminds me of this?

I know Herpes is different and much more contagious but I see the same fear and self loathing in him and I really hate it for him.

We have discussed his sexual history and he is not promiscuous, low body count, faithful in his prior marriage. Just terribly unfortunate. He is absolutely devastated by it, he doesn't know where he got it from and he is so stressed all the time.

I might be mentally conflating issues, but I just would hate to be like the people who judged my mum for something that she never chose.

I think I am perhaps over empathic whereas I just need to be more practical. I think I will ask him to:

  1. See a GP - discuss and sort out meds
  2. Take better care of himself, by himself
  3. I will suggest / ask him to go for wider testing based on what people have said about auto immune diseases etc. I really appreciate those suggestions.

I will not say any of these things as an ultimatum I will just say that looking after health and making good lifestyle choices is really important to me.

I will remind myself that I don't owe anyone a compromised sex life out of compassion even though I would do anything to make this work because he is amazing.

Thank you so much for all your replies and input.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 12:07

OneNeatBlueOrca · 31/07/2025 18:26

How old are you OP? I know you've said you're ok about it but what if you do catch it? It's permanent. What about these long periods where you cant be intimate?

One life and all that.

Hi @OneNeatBlueOrca I am 44. This is first relationship after a divorce so yes I do question if I am sort of putting up with something I would normally run from because of other issues.

The long periods of no intimacy are hard - absolutely can't lie about that. Zero spontaneity as well which is difficult. However, when it does happen it is INFINITELY better than the past 22 years of my married life and in all other aspects he is everything I have ever wished for.

It's tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 12:01

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions - I really appreciate it. Sorry it took me a while to come back - we had a chat yesterday again and I feel better able to respond to everyone. I love Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienSupaStar · 03/08/2025 12:00

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 31/07/2025 18:24

Does he take medication for it? There are meds that suppress outbreaks and most people will only get one a year or less. This sounds very extreme

@SteakBakesAndHotTakes @RealEagle @Fiery30

he said that he previously took medication for it but it didn't seem to help. I have suggested that he re-visits the GP or sexual health clinic as his past experience may not be reflective about what is currently available. Thank you for the reply and suggestion.

OP posts:
Ameliadalison · 01/08/2025 08:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BunnyRuddington · 01/08/2025 08:08

HenDoNot · 31/07/2025 22:35

I think I’d rather find a man who I don’t feel the need to persuade or manage into taking care of his own health.

If he’s had herpes this long he is well aware of the medications, lifestyle changes etc, needed to stand a chance of trying to manage the condition. He’ll have been long ago aware of every bit of advice given on this thread - there’s nothing new or groundbreaking here.

Why do you think he has no motivation to try and help himself? Is it possible he has a really low/zero sex drive? Would you be ok with a virtually sexless relationship?

I do have to agree. If he’s not taking care of himself now then he’s likely to have pretty poor health long term. Are you ok taking responsibility for his health long term, especially when he’s not doing anything to help himself?

Snicksnacksnora · 31/07/2025 22:53

Mine flare up in, sun, wind, cold, stress, illness, exhaustion. And I can get so many outbreaks (like your partner), when it gets extreme (it’s so depressing) I get aciclovir medicine which I order from Superdrug pharmacy which prevents them, (I only discovered I could do this last year) So last year I started taking it, as I had probably 10 in may-June then I took it for 6 months and I didn’t have any until may this year so I am
taking it again now!! Maybe you could have a look and suggest it x

BopItWinner · 31/07/2025 22:41

Zoono · 31/07/2025 22:33

I caught herpes in my early 20s due to not using condoms during sex every time. I don't have the best diet and do struggle with anxiety. Despite this, I have only come out in sores twice. I'm now in my early thirties. I was completely honest with partner immediately and they never experienced sores down below over our 7 year relationship.

Condoms don’t always protect against herpes so you may have caught it even if you did use them.

HenDoNot · 31/07/2025 22:35

I think I’d rather find a man who I don’t feel the need to persuade or manage into taking care of his own health.

If he’s had herpes this long he is well aware of the medications, lifestyle changes etc, needed to stand a chance of trying to manage the condition. He’ll have been long ago aware of every bit of advice given on this thread - there’s nothing new or groundbreaking here.

Why do you think he has no motivation to try and help himself? Is it possible he has a really low/zero sex drive? Would you be ok with a virtually sexless relationship?

Zoono · 31/07/2025 22:33

I caught herpes in my early 20s due to not using condoms during sex every time. I don't have the best diet and do struggle with anxiety. Despite this, I have only come out in sores twice. I'm now in my early thirties. I was completely honest with partner immediately and they never experienced sores down below over our 7 year relationship.