AIBU with my expectations of life with a toddler?

Mine are long past this but we used to start bedtime routine at 6 ish, asleep by 7.
They went to bed at 7pm for years and years, even at primary school. Children really do need a lot of sleep.
I would get in from nursery, quick food, little play, bath, maybe quiet tv, story, milk,bed.

Mine were always whiney at home, we used to go out every day, only thing that makes the day bearable when they are small.

If he’s waking miserable and behaving like that of an evening then he’s almost certainly overtired and not getting enough sleep. If he was genuinely low sleep needs then he wouldn’t be so grouchy and would wake happy. I know easier said than done to persuade him to sleep more though! How long have you actually stuck with an early bedtime though, since he was in his current napping routine? It usually takes 2-3 weeks to see any improvement. But failing that do quicker dinners, get comfortable with the word no and hope it’s a phase that passes quickly.

I had to read the book Toddler Taming by Christopher Green, as each of my 3 reached that stage. Essentially though, it says that you need to remember that your child wants attention, and if they get more attention by being difficult, they'll do that. It doesn't mean sorting out endless positive tasks with them, but do give positive attention when you can and absolutely never give in to the whining behaviour. Be very boring when they're wanting attention for difficult behaviour, and don't give in to what they want to make your life easier for 10 mins....it backfires hugely.

Tough stage, too young to explain but old enough for demands! Despite all the terrible talk 2 was much easier for me.

I'd take down the expectation of his proper meal if he's eaten at nursery, offer a carpet snack and ignore any kicking off while you feed yourself.

Maybe he needs a longer nap if he can’t sleep longer at night - is he getting decent naps at nursery?

He does sound overtired honestly.

Tiredness bizarrely makes it harder for toddlers to sleep - when my eldest was about that age we happened to do a weekend trip with a really long drive - he slept the whole way and then the next week even though he was sleeping like normal his behaviour was so so much better, like he’d caught up on some of his sleep deficit.

19 months is the absolute pits IMO. Definitely the hardest stage with both of mine. It does get easier, OP.

Oh and @Floundering66 bedtime is also about 8:30pm here.

She’s in her cot from about 7:45pm, but just will not sleep before about half 8.

So completely feel you on the low sleep needs front!

8:30 is a late bedtime for a 19 month old, especially after a long day at nursery. Poor chap is probably just seriously tired.

I know it’s not fashionable, but my magic word was “no”. No discussion and no pandering to whinging or crying. At times you have to stand your ground. And mean it. Of course they don’t like it but otherwise dc rule the roost. Don’t keep being told what to do - you are the adult.

I used to have pre prepared meals for tea if I could. I did them as a batch for the freezer so just needed a quick whizz in the microwave. I also heated up dinner me and dh had the night before too. If suitable. At least the veg and then quick fish fingers or potato with cheese etc. If he has a cooked lunch at nursery you can swerve cooked every night too.

He is waking up quite early so maybe a snack before bed? I did have dc going to bed late because we wanted to avoid early mornings or disturbed nights.

I do think people worry about over tiredness a bit much - it’s a sleep training term and actually very rare in children, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that! If he was chronically overtired you’d know (speaking from someone with a fellow low sleep needs child - some of my friends that age are doing that overnight with a 30min nap!)

Does sound like normal toddler behaviour unfortunately :( I think firm and loving boundaries eg we are going to stop playing in 5 and I’m going to cook tea while you do xyz. Fine to validate the feeling (eg sing to your child while you cook, reassure them with how long it will be) but a bit of whinging might be expected. Perhaps some visual things (a timer etc) might help slowly build up patience?

I also agree with PP about having meal-prepped dinner ready to microwave. I still do this, and it saves me so much stress (and money!). We get home at 4:30pm and dinner is on the table by 5pm.
It only takes a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon to get it organised for the working week.

However, we do eat very boring food during the week, some variation of chicken/rice/broccoli or a pasta bolognaise. Pizza night on Fridays, and I save my fancy cooking for the weekend when DH is around.

19 months is a difficult age. I found it really exhausting with my first two DC (youngest is 14 months so I’ll be there again soon!). They are very physical and want everything RIGHT NOW but they aren’t verbal, which manifests in tantrums and screaming.

I agree with PP - stop pandering to every fussy moment. Let him cry and fuss for a few minutes, it won’t kill him. Otherwise you’ll end up rushing about like a headless chicken, trying to appease him every 5 seconds.

Regarding dinner, I always found this to be a really hard moment after a day of work and nursery. Having a bunch of easy-to-reach toys or Tupperware and him/her playing at my feet while I cooked always seemed to work. We’d listen to the Thomas the Tank Engine podcast, which they both found calming. I always made sure to sit with them to eat at the table, which helped with staying in the high chair and finishing their food. Even if DH wasn’t home yet, I’d eat a snack with them and sit with them the whole time.

I promise it gets better OP! I really think this is such a difficult age.

It's normal range, but right at the bottom end and if he's waking up miserable it does suggest he's not ready to wake-up yet. Is there anything you can think of that could be waking him prematurely? Maybe someone else getting up (even a neighbour), a cat/dog moving around, any household noise etc?

With the after nursery problem, I would try cutting the 4:30pm snack and having his dinner ready asap when you get home (batch cook or he can have whatever you had the night before heated up). Feed him as close to 5pm as humanly possible and see how that goes. This behaviour has all the hallmarks of being an overtired, hungry, overstimulated child. It's worth a try at least.

I wouldn’t bother giving him a proper dinner if he’s already had tea and a snack at nursery. He can just have a piece of fruit or a yoghurt while you eat your dinner.

agree with others to ignore him. I also pandered to my first and created a mini dictator! We had to stage an intervention when he was 3 as he had become unbearable. They need to learn to entertain themselves and also learn that we are not their servants!

He doesn't need a cooked dinner after a day at nursery - he could just have a picky tea or a sandwich. Does he like the TV? I'd give him a couple of episodes of something and a plate of something really easy to make!

I know you don't want to eat late but I'd rather prep and eat in the quiet after a busy day than with a screaming toddler. I also think he's tired, if you try to move bedtime earlier bit by bit you might see an improvement. Like everything's, it's just a phase and its not forever!

Just to add we’re very similar!

Shes an angel when we’re out and about, at nursery, with grandparents.

But evenings at home are TRYING. Constant crying over everything.

Her current thing is yelling ‘mummy up’ and grabbing me if I dare to sit down. She also wakes up grumpy.

I think she may have some molars coming through, but really hoping it’s just a phase, you’re not alone!

How are his naps? He sounds tired to me.

Does he nap during the day? He isn't sleeping a huge amount overnight so I wouldn't rule out tiredness.

I agree with pp that being comforting but holding your boundaries is really important. For example, with dinner, if he wants to get down that's fine, but then sit and eat your dinner and let him stop as much as he wants. Just keep repeating that it's dinner time now.

After nursery I would try and do dinner much earlier, is he not hungry way before 6pm?