AIBU with my expectations of life with a toddler?

Hyper and over-active behaviour is a massive signal that a child is over-tired.
Too many parents see their children (at bedtime!) running around like maniacs and say ‘there’s no way they’re going to sleep!’, when in fact that’s exactly what they need and in the right routine will do.
Best of luck xx

If he seems ready for sleep earlier in the evening and is waking up grumpy rather than refreshed then - if you can face it - I would be inclined to give the earlier bedtime a good go for a couple of weeks and see if there's any change after that. I am another one who thinks he sounds tired, and that is not a lot of sleep for a 19 month old. Sometimes they just need a while to adjust to a new sleep schedule. I would try a gro clock in the morning (there are lots of little tricks you can use like making sure the sun is up on it the first morning whatever time they wake so they have "success" staying asleep until they wake and then gradually turning it later a few minutes at a time) to see if you can gradually encourage him to extend his wake up time. I agree with others who said that if he was truly low sleep needs then he be likely to wake up more cheerful. You said "we" - do you have a DH who can share the load, e.g. by doing the early mornings if you are doing the evenings?

How much is he in nursery across the week? If he's in full time Monday-Friday then I would try to get absolutely as much as possible of the chores and practical stuff done outside the times when you will be with him (e.g. by batch cooking once a week if necessary even though it is tedious, or healthy convenience foods if money and availability allows) and keep weekends very low key so everyone can rest and recharge. Again, if you have a DH then make sure he takes him out sometimes so you get a break and a coffee in peace.

Will DS sit and let you read to him, by the way? Hours on the sofa spent cuddled up with books and sometimes snacks too always helped mine immensely when they were tired/fretful/demanding as they get that connection time with you but there is the distraction of the story going on. Might also help if you find it hard to get him to eat - just put out a plate of healthy snacks and let him help himself to anything he wants while you read.

Try jacket potatoes and beans, with the tatties in the oven on a timer to be ready for 15 mins before you get home.

Im sure we had a phase like that and she was tired and hungry after a day at nursery. Food on plate within 5 minutes of walking through the door made a big difference. And zero sugar (natural or added) with evening meal, as even stuff like fruit yoghurts we’re making a big difference to behaviour and bed). Nursery ‘snacks’ are so healthy there's no calories to keep them
going .

Why is sleeping on a mat heartbreaking? Stop guilt tripping.

My LO also uses a mat at nursery and she likes it! She’s always pretending do it it home with her doll with a little blanket

My older child was like this as a toddler, he's now almost 5. It was challenging to be at home with him for all the reasons you mentioned, much easier going out somewhere where I wasn't the sole source of entertainment! I realised what he actually needed was for me to be really firm about what I was and wasn't prepared to do, not ignore his tantrums but sympathise with his disappointment but still stay firm. He was getting anxious because he could sense me getting annoyed/frustrated but going along with some of the demands and then feeling resentful. He's now a lot better, very sensitive to changes in other people's mood still but much more able to entertain himself and accepting of our limits. Hang in there, it's a tough age!

Edited to add that my younger child is now going through the same "bossy" phase but it's far less pronounced, and he's generally not as sensitive as his older brother, so I think it's mainly a question of temperament.

He's just trying to get your attention and spend time with you and this is the only way he knows how. That's a long time to be in nursery and the thought of him sleeping there on a mat on the floor is heartbreaking.
Mine have never slept much and were all well out of any type of daytime naps by 18 months and weren't in bed until around 10 and up again at 7.
He wants his mum, plain and simple.

I’d give it longer to adjust to a new routine. He’s not sleeping much so I think an earlier bedtime for the next week should help. Mine are 3 and 2 and both go to bed at 6.30 and occasionally still nap in the day. Some kids are early risers from 5am unfortunately. If I push my kids to stay up until 9pm they will sleep in until 6-6.30 but be miserable for the following couple of days because it’s not enough sleep for them. Don’t let your desire for a later wake up time stop you from putting him to bed at an earlier time for his age, they will adjust as they get older and you can then teach them to stay in their rooms until a reasonable time in the morning!

Definitely get tea ready as soon as he gets home at 5 and straight into the bedtime routine. Good luck 🤞🙂

You’re his “safe space” so he lets it all out. As nursery he has to follow rules. My kids are the same - they go to grandparents and come home wild. When mil drops them off she always gives me the “CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN” look and constantly comments on how nicely they behave for her. I just smile and nod because I know it’s just that short space of unwinding then they’ll go back by to normal.

When they were toddlers the effect was hugely exaggerated due to all the developmental leaps, and yes being overstimulated or busy at childcare in the week could lead to awful meltdowns at thw weekends .

Ride it out calmly, it will pass

Honestly I would try the shorter nap for at least a week. He will take time to adjust. It might not help with the behaviour but should at least give you a longer night which will mean the days don't feel quite so long!

21 month toddler here. Sounds very similar. Bedtime routine starts at 7.30 ish and he gers to sleep at 8.30.
Definitely went through a phase in evenings when he wanted full attention meaning I couldn't cook or wash up, which was very challenging. Getting slightly better now. He gets back from nursery and just wants to go for a walk outside. Luckily DP can take him out while I do dinner and this seems to work. But can totally relate.

Eh? I didn’t mean literally!

Just that his parents had to focus on him being outside and getting as much exercise outdoors as humanly possible so he could expend as much energy as possible.

@TheAlaskanTrail68 put him outside then? When he’s whinging?

I would cut down the nap for more overnight sleep which might help with the behaviour. My DD was napping less than an hour at that age and not at all after she turned 2.

It’s interesting that he wakes up like this on weekends too.

Op the AI answer is as follows:

At 19 months, toddlers are experiencing significant behavioral changes as they develop a sense of self and independence, often leading to increased emotional expression, including frustration and tantrums. They are also becoming more verbal, but may still struggle with communication, leading to frustration. Additionally, they are developing fine motor skills and a desire to do things independently, such as feeding themselves or getting dressed.

(It went on to outline all of the changes in more detail in many areas of development.)

So it could just be his age and things will improve the more autonomous he can be?

If he is able physically, don’t hold him back with high chairs and cots but allow him to progress on to toddler beds and child-sized tables and chairs. Give as much autonomy and choice as possible within a set structure. It’s easy for us to get stuck in old “baby-ish” patterns and routines.

Ignore the bad and praise the good and try and be less reactive; stick to your routines and keep on top of your schedule and talk about what is happening next. If he looks continually frustrated, it might be time to give him things to do - within reason - that are slightly above his capability to hold his interest but not so far ahead that it ends in a meltdown, some toddlers are much more capable than you imagine.

And sole toddlers are just better outside in the fresh air and need to run around and find nursery overwhelming and confining. A sturdy energetic child of a friend of ours is now playing professional rugby as an adult 😆😃. It was hard to keep him contained in the house even as a two year old! 😃. He couldn’t sit still for meals and was always on the go and now that is his super power.

Mine went to bed at 8.30. Not all dc are sleepy heads. Even with after school clubs and dance it was 8.30! He’s sleeping at nursery and then again? Or do you mean home is at weekends? He might just be a whinger and he’ll grow out of it. I’d never go back to early to bed and waking up in the middle of the night! You at least have a a decent night’s sleep! Value that.

My survival tips (because it is surviving at that age some days!)

I do a lot of meal prepping so I need to do the absolute minimum for teas during the week. Sometimes ds will have a sandwich or even bowl of cereal if he is really absolutely exhausted after nursery and I get him to help me make it. He's had a decent meal when he was there and eats really good food majority of the time so if its a bad night then ill take the pressure off myself.

I would also keep oranges or other snacks in my car so he can eat something as soon as he finishes nursery while we're on the way home.

Sometimes I put dinner on and stick him straight in the bath/shower while it cooks to condense the evening routine if he's really tired.

I try to say yes as much as I can but it's not my job to fix everything/ give in to everything. So if there's a meltdown then I'll wait and say yes I know that's disappointing, are you feeling xyz and offer a hug when he's ready. Usually that actually heads things off pretty quickly and we can get on with the evening.

I tell him to pick two toys he can bring into the kitchen and play with while I cook. He likes this as he has control over what toys to pick.

We have a learning tower and sometimes if I'm waiting on dinner cooking we will make something super easy like wheaten bread while it's cooking so he doesn't have time to think about how hungry he is.

I've a friend who's got a glow clock that changes colour depending on the time so her son knows if it's not the right colour it's still time to sleep. If ds wakes early I just bring him in with me and try to get him back over. I found ds sleep went haywire at that age and actually it got better when he dropped his nap during the day and then he was ready for the earlier bedtime.

Honestly, we're all flying by the seat of our pants I think. You keeping yourself calm is the key. You're doing great!

Mine was a bit like that on nursery days. Tired and overstimulated etc. At that age we went for a stupidly early bedtime at around 6pm and that worked. It was literally, pick kid up from nursery, come home, have a snack, maybe a bath, a story and bed. I remember reading that the more they sleep the more they sleep and it worked for us. Obviously everyone is different though so it might not work for you.

It is a hard age. I remember mine turning into a little devil at 18 months and the tantrums were no joke. I just ignored them because everything I did made them worse. It is difficult and I hope it gets easier for you soon OP.

I found the opposite with my two who were also energetic. Especially when they were going through growth spurts, they needed more to eat not less, otherwise they would wake up hungry, so we had little snacks like mashed banana or broccoli mash before bed.

What would happen if you tried a 7:30 bed time? Would DS just fall asleep or would he cry

I think I had a breakdown at the 18 month mark with my DS. What you have described is, imo, normal - sorry, not what you want to hear I guess?

Consider ditching the baby chair and getting a toddler table. I found that was easier and caused less stress with DS as he could get on and off of the chair and eat and didn’t whine in the high chair. If he ate, great. If he only wanted a few bites, also great. I offered food - not much I could do.

Try to ignore the tantrums or make them into a game. Doesn’t want to put shoes on? Do who can put shoe on the fastest or turn it into something funny like these shoes don’t fit mummy! Do they fit bear, no. Do they fit mr monkey, no. Do they fit you! Yes, let’s put them on