Husband on the war path and alienating my friends

Let me rewrite the title for you

Unlike me, DH prioritising our daughter and standing up to CFs.

My response to him: 👏👏👏

At 9 yo, it's possible (but not ideal) to wfh and them having a friend over could be better. As long as they are self sufficient. You can't throw in the little kid from up the road! And you who are not even there do not get to make that decision.

"My friend’s daughter (9) and mine are in the same class at school and are very good friends."
Whilst it is possible that the girls are good friends, it's also possible that you just want them to be friends because of your friendship with the mother; and your daughter wants to please you so is sticking out 'being friends' with a girl who "has reduced my daughter to tears because she has said something nasty or mean". Frankly, your friend's daughter sounds like a horror, swearing at your daughter and reducing her to tears.

FFS, stick up for your daughter, don't force her into friendships that suit you and not her!

"... if we send our kids to their house, they’ll return with 2-3 minutes. I cannot remember a single time where they played at his house"
Yeah, I'd send the kid back home too; I am not his parents' unpaid childcare - which is how they are treating your family.

"Normally this wouldn’t be an issue as I look after the children but I am visiting family throughout the summer and DH is doing the childcare and working."
The parent doing the childcare calls the shots, you've buggered off leaving him to do the work so that means he gets to make the choices and you have no say in the matter. Are you annoyed on your children's behalf, or are you annoyed that his choices have highlighted to you what a doormat you are to your friend and neighbours?

As a matter of interest, your family is also your children's family, so why don't they get taken visiting THEIR family?

I'm Team DH on this one (who is not, by anyone else's standards bar yours "on the war path".

DH is doing the childcare and working.

How is that meant to work with your own 9 yo, her 9 yo friend and the young child from up the road?

If your husband is alienating your friends by actively parenting and having boundaries then I can only assume you are very passive and the people you call friends take advantage.

Are you visiting your family over the summer holidays because you are a teacher? Is there a reason why you didn't take your daughter with you to visit family? There is no reason your husband shouldn't solo parent whilst you are away but expecting him to work and supervise visiting neighbourhood children at the same time is a bit much.

Your husband has done nothing wrong, I totally agree with him.

Of course it’s normal to send friends home if they turn up and you’re working. I mean if they are of an age when it actually makes life easier to have a friend around, sure. I suspect the other parents are also working and send them away. It sounds like you need more childcare (and as the non-working parent on holiday generally I would think you’d be providing it).

The friend swearing on the iPad I probably would have handled differently. I simply would have ended the conversation and had a word with my own dd about that kind of language. If problems continued, I’d cool the friendship. Contacting the other parent wouldn’t have been my first step, but as the other parent, I’d be grateful to know.

He sounds a bit fed up and overwhelmed, but maybe because he feels like he’s doing all the boundary setting with no back up from you. I often have to be the one doing this and it does annoy me when Dh just buries his head in the sand.

Did this friend's daughter scrawl all over your walls before? Because this sounds familiar, down to you dismissing your husband's concerns about the other kid's behaviours and you prioritizing your friend.

You can't make your husband babysit random kids, especially when he's working.
Your mates kid behaved badly and your husband was correct to inform her parent.
How is he on the warpath? I can't see he's done anything wrong.

I work from home, if I'm working those friends are being sent home.
Ideally my 9 yr old will be childcare but sometimes life happens.

Do you work? Why isn’t your daughter visiting family with you?!

He sounds great. You sound like you don’t mind everyone walking all over your child.

Your thread title is ridiculous. Your DH is doing a great job at parenting and you are undermining him. Do you often micromanage him like this because if I was married to you I'd be pretty irritated by it.

Your DH has handled this appropriately the girl should absolutely not be swearing at your daughter and he was right to tell her mum. As for the neighbour child visiting when he's WFH of course that's not reasonable! He's working, I'd send the neighbour packing too.

Yes that's why I edited. Wasn't clear from the first reading, but I agree with you.

Never clicked agree on so many posts on one thread!

Team DH here too, he’s defended your dd while you’re more bothered about losing her friend’s mum’s friendship. Do you really think this child is a good friend for your dd?

Oh you again! You posted how badly behaved your friends child was and trashed your house, yet you were more concerned about your friendship.

im with your dh on this.

Fairly sure ‘as’ was a typo for ‘at’, and the friend’s daughter swore at OP’s daughter, not the other way round.

Bit difficult to get through your post as some elements are unclear but...

1. No one can WFH and care for children - it's impossible and unfair
2. If it's not a good friendship for your daughter then you shouldn't encourage it.
3. I can't see any warpath or alienation here... I see someone overworked who is not being supported equally by his partner.

Edited as I've worked out what you mean despite typos.

He can't work and provide child care you need to make proper arrangements for childcare

Two completely separate issues here, fortunately both with the same answer: he's being perfectly reasonable.

Your friend’s child swears at your daughter and frequently reduces her to tears by saying something mean or nasty to her? And you still want to encourage this friendship?

It doesn’t sound like a safe or healthy friendship dynamic for your daughter at all. When my daughter was 7, I moved her to a different school to get her out of exactly the kind of emotionally abusive friendship dynamic you describe.

You're being unreasonable expecting your husband to work from home while you're off visiting family for the summer, watch his child while wfh, and have another kid over.

He can handle the kids and their disputes, ect how he sees fit. You're not there and don't get to decide.

I think he was right about the swearing. You just want to keep things cool with your friend and he's concerned about the friend's daughter using abusive language towards her.

Your DH is doing a good job. Tell him I said so.

I was all prepared to think your DH WBU - but no, he’s right on both counts, and you are being a people-pleaser to the detriment of your family. Sorry!